50 shades of chocolate

ok so i work at this grocery store and today this old woman came through my line and goes “you know what, have you gotten anything for yourself today young lady?” and i was confused as of what she meant and she was like “well one time i had just broken up with my boyfriend but i didn’t want to feel like shit on valentines day so i just had this flower company send flowers to my office and everyone was like ‘oooo who are those from??’ but little did they know they were from actually from myself! look the point is, if someone is not taking the time to love you, make sure you love yourself.” and to this day that’s the realest and most inspiring valentines day story i’ve heard. love yourselves today guys, or at least think that it would probably make this old woman smile to know that u do.

au ideas: embarrassing dork edition
  • You’re a bartender and I’m the last customer on a Thursday night and I’ve been shamelessly flirting with you for the last 2 hours and the world is very blurry right now but you’re like a lovely grounding beacon of light and I totally said that out loud, didn’t I?
  • It’s 3am our B&B’s communal kitchen and whilst I admire your persistence in baking an army of cupcakes, you don’t seem to be very good at it. Also I really don’t want to get a fire extinguisher

  • You’re the curator of a modern art gallery and I just sat on a stool that I didn’t know to be an installation worth more than my right leg

  • I’m at a christmas function with work, and I’m outright insulting the decor to everyone I meet. Turns out it’s your house, and I’m only slightly sorry because who in their right mind has curtains that colour.. wait your Grandma made them oh no 

  • You’re the cute customer that always buys the same coffee each day, and I’m the barista who doodles on your coffee cup but I accidentally gave you the wrong order in rush hour and turns out you’re highly allergic to nuts oh god im so sorry

  • I’m the history student who slammed into you with 5 textbooks and I think I accidentally picked up your thesis and I’m sorry I made you miss the draft deadline but it’s really, really good writing!!

  • I’m waiting for the next train with my headphones blaring music & I’ve just turned around to see you on your knees with guitar and tears down your face and looking at me to answer. I’m so sorry I have no idea who you are and I think I just missed my own mistaken marriage proposal & I’m so sorry for you

  • I’m the new student in your dance class, and because we have an odd number, you have to do all the demonstrations with me and I’ve just landed really heavily on your toes and I might not know dance, but I do know that crunch sound was not good..

  • I’m a training nurse in A&E, and you’re sitting on a bench sobbing, and after a good hour of offering comfort, turns out you accidentally sat on your brother’s finger and sprained it, and now we both feel a little silly

  • I’m dressed as half an OTP at comic-con, you’re the other half, and we keep running into each other around the stalls and we keep getting asked to kiss which would be totally fine if you weren’t the most attractive person I’ve ever laid eyes on

  • I’m the Keeper in the Quidditch National Final, and you’re the commentator who keeps flirting with me over the microphone so in half-time I go up to the commentator’s booth to ask you out but it turns out the cameras were still running and the entire nation just saw us make out oh no

  • I’m your biggest competition in the Great British Bake Off and there’s no way I’m letting you get all the praise from Mary Berry so I’m spiking all my cakes with rum, how do you like them apples? Wait… we’ve used the same recipe… the producers are going to love this - let’s get Mary Berry tipsy

  • I’m a primary school teacher and you’re the OFSTED inspector I flirted with at the bar last weekend whilst trash-talking my job oh my god what have I done

  • I’m a journalist covering the local dance show, and you’re one of the lead dancers but you’re gorgeous and I’ve fluffed all my questions and in my embarassed haste to leave I step on your pointe shoes and you don’t have a spare pair & I’ve ruined the show tonight oh dear 

  • You’re talking about Game of Thrones with your friend on the bus, and I’m in the seat behind you, dying inside, because I haven’t caught up yet and what do you mean Jon Snow might be dead
    Alternatively, I’m smug as you like because I’m reading the final few pages of Dance with Dragons and you have no idea how wrong you are

  • I’m late for a meeting as I leg it through the park, and I’ve just collided straight into you and your child & I’m buying you apology replacement ice-cream

  • We’re at a festival parade and your lovely homemade flowercrown is shedding flowers, so I’m picking them up to return them to you at the next corner

  • I’m working the graveyard shift at a corner shop & I’m highly amused by the bedraggled customer buying frozen onion rings, bubble bath, half a basket of chocolate, matches, and the 50 Shades of Grey paperback - I admire your eclectic taste

  • I’m buying the weirdest stuff at past midnight in the local shop, and you’re the cute cashier whom I recognise from my English class oh my god why

  • I’m on the subway with 3 huge canvases of art that I’m submitting to the local gallery and you’ve fallen asleep against one but this is my stop

  • I’m the tired retail worker & you’re the cute customer I’ve been flirting with for a while and I made you laugh so hard you knocked over a display at the end of the isle & now you have to buy 30 dented cans of sliced peaches and your blush is just the cutest
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The signs as awful 50 Shades quotes

Ares: His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something

Taurus: I must be the color of the communist manifesto

Gemini: My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves

Cancer: I am all gushing and breathy—like a child, not a grown woman who can vote and drink legally in the state of Washington

Leo: My anxiety level has shot up several magnitudes on the Richter scale

Virgo: I sit up and reach for the orange juice, drinking it down too quickly. It’s delicious, ice cold, and it makes my mouth a much better place

Libra: My subconscious has reared her somnambulant head

Scorpio: I’m so glad I decided to wear my best jeans this morning

Sagittarius: My hormones are racing

Capricorn: The remaining subclauses of this clause 15 are to be read subject to this proviso and to the fundamental matters agreed in clauses 2-5 above

Aquarius: Grabbing it quickly, I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill

Pisces: I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet and falling head first into the office. Double crap—me and my two left feet!

anonymous asked:

I have a question about a different question you recently answered that someone else asked. In it you mentioned how describing someone's skin be comparing it to food could be seen as offensive. Does it just apply to minorities? I’ve never heard of anyone getting huffy over someone being described as having ‘Milky-white’ skin. If someone has the skin tone of caramel I don’t see why you should say otherwise. Is this just a Tumblr thing, since everything is seen as offensive here? I don’t get it.

1) Does it just apply to minorities?

If by “minorities” (more about that word choice here) you mean People of Color, it depends on who you ask, but primarily yes–it is especially problematic when describing the skin tones of People of Color. 

2)  If someone has the skin tone of caramel I don’t see why you should say otherwise.

It is offensive, especially when used by white people to describe the skin color of people who whites have historically oppressed and treated as objects rather than human beings.

3) Is this just a Tumblr thing, since everything is seen as offensive here?

No, it isn’t just “a tumblr thing”…

If White Characters Were Described Like People Of Color In Literature (via BuzzFeed)
Starbucks Skin Scale (via TV Tropes)
Race in YA Lit: Wake Up & Smell the Coffee-Colored Skin, White Authors! (via Author Sara Ockler)
Vary Your Color Words—But Be Careful With Skin Tones (via BookWorks)
Ten Tips on Writing Race in Novels (via Author Mitali Perkins)
Are We Food? (via Rich in Color)
Othering or 50 Shades of Chocolate. Food as metaphor for skin-tone. (via Author Craig Laurance Gidney)
Eight Easy Tips for Writing a Diverse Story (via Mythcreants)
Characters Are People, Not Food (via The YA Kitten)

4) I don’t get it.

You don’t have to. When numerous people say they are offended by having their skin tone compared to food, you can either choose to be compassionate and look for other descriptive words, OR, you can choose to ignore them and not only risk offending many of your readers, but also be guilty of tired, lazy, and cliche descriptions. Your choice. :)

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Have a question? I’d love to hear from you, but please be sure to read my ask rules and master list first or your question may go unanswered. Thanks! :)  

2

Hey guys! I just reached 1,000 followers on my blog and I wanted to thank all of you for making this possible! I honestly never thought I would get this far but for some odd reason, I did! You guys make wrestling a lot more fun than it already is! I love you all and again, thank you so much! Keep rockin’ and rollin’ ya’ll!

(Btw, sorry about the editing. The one time I try to do it, I suck at it.)

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If I forgot anybody, I’m sorry!

Maltesers! (aka Dan Howell's Porn Post)

For baingani 

LISTEN UP AND SIT YOUR ASSBUTT DOWN
I’m going to tell you about
MALTESERS

These bitches are the most goddamn flavoursome mini chocolate melt-on-your-tongue malty treats you will ever eat
Above we observe traditional Maltesers

But they also come in a paler variety
50 shades of grey more like 50 shades of variously coloured delicious chocolate coating

They come in different sizes
Usually the bigger the better
“Share bag”? Yeah right. You eat all of these suckers to yourself.
Sharing is a sign of weakness, sucker.

You get these boxes choc full of them from your Nan at Christmas

Maltesers chocolate bars are a hunky chunk of pure heaven
forget about those divides between your man’s six pack
the only lines separating firm squares you will care about from now on are the lines on these babies

There’s even seasonal variations
like these lil buns for Easter with a bonus appropriate pun

And if you’re super lucky you will get a whole freakin maltesers easter egg with corresponding brand-name chocolate packets

Maltesers hot chocolate! this stuff is a malty frothy mix that gets foam all over your face
Only weaklings add only water, The more milk, the creamier it is

This lil pot here contains a thick malteser flavoured milk shake
you put the maltesers in it, stick the lid back on and follow the instructions
SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE ‘N’ SNACK

YOU CAN BUY THESE THINGS BY THE BUCKET

Mixed flavour buckets - wow

This tube is at least half a metre long and it is filled with little chocolatey balls
Another christmas staple

MCTEASERS

DID SOMEBODY SAY 25 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS BECAUSE THIS IS WHEN THESE BABIES COME OUT TO PLAY

MERRY FReAKIN CHRISTMAS EAT A SOFT FREAKIN RUDOLPH
His insides taste divine

If you go to any tea shop in England, there will be slices of this for sale
WELCOME TO HEAVEN ONCE YOU HAVE TRIED SOME MALTESER TRAY BAKE ALL OTHER CAKES ARE RENDERED WEAK


MALFREaKInTEasERS

GOD BLESS BRITAIN

While everyone is probably out on dates or watching 50 Shades of Grey, I’m just here eating lots of chocolate while crying over the Notebook. I swear my life isn’t this sad all the time.