concept: I run a little coffee shop in the city. It’s hidden by the big buildings and a local hardware shop. The walls are painted pastel blue and one wall is white brick. Polaroids and old vinyls line the empty blue walls. On one side of the shop, a old couple sit, one drinks black coffee, the other drinks half & half. Across the room a high school student finishes reading Hamlet. At the bar sit two people who would’ve never talked and by the end of the night one slips the other a napkin with their number written in blue pen. The mason jar full of tips is half full of loonies and 5 dollar bills. The hair is messy, my feet hurt, and my soul is content.

Me to Christian Borle: I’m not saying I’d be over your baldness but

*slides crinkled 5 dollar bill*

If you could sing Whizzer Going Down from In Trousers that’d be pretty great (bonus dime if you get the rest of the Falsettos cast to join you)

So here’s another “Sounds Extremely Fake But Actually Happened” Story from my occasionally interesting life.

I was working at a McDonald’s in 2007, when I came across this very specific five dollar bill. Someone had drawn something very distinctive on this particular 5 dollar bill, a small gun pointed at Lincoln and the words “Bang. Long Live John Wilkes Booth.”

Weird. Seen weirder. Whatever. It goes to the back of my mind.

Two weeks later, two very real, very intimidating looking FEDERAL BUREAU OF FUCKING INVESTIGATION AGENTS come to my McDonald’s and talk to the people on my shift, specifically me because I was the one who was working the drive-thru window that night and was handed that fiver.

My extremely limited understanding and drawn conclusions of exactly what happened is this. 

APPARENTLY, this specific five dollar bill had been previously used in conjunction with actual, literal domestic terrorism, and the drawing on it stood out enough that if anyone ever eventually complained about it, which someone eventually did, it would pop up a sort of red flag, and then these FBI guys would try to trace its circulation history in the vague hope of being able to get some dirt on these guys.

So like, a very long time after the terrorist thing happened, it was just randomly in circulation until eventually it reached the point where some dude just randomly used it in my McDonald’s. 

Some time after that, like with someone’s change or something, it went out again to circulation through three or four more people until it reached whoever it was complained about the drawing on it. 

Red flag pops up. FBI starts working its way backwards hoping to find a way to connect that fiver to the terrorists, they reach me and my shift from that night. Question us. Finds the license plate or something of the guy who gave it to us from the surveillance cameras. Goes on to question him. 

I never hear anything else about it.

Retail Thoughts of the Night

-Customers who fight over who should pay are the worst. Especially if one hands me her card and the other says, “Don’t let her pay. I’ll pay,” then look at ne like I need to make a serious decision. Just split the darn bill and get out.

-If you come up to me and ask me what counts as a senior there and get me confused while you’re mad, then follow by saying we don’t do senior discounts anyway, you wasted two minutes. Congratulations.

-“Here’s a 100 dollar bill for a $6. I’ll stand here with my hand out while you waste your last 5 dollar bill because managers refuse to do anything.”

-Manager: If anyone calls for a manager, call over the headset.
Me: *Calls over headset five times*
Manager: Why didn’t you call over the headset?

-Literally no host, so I have to sit everybody and run a register.

[slides jeff davis a 5 dollar bill] turns out erica and boyd never actually died it was just the alpha pack creating fake memories. derek never held erica’s dead body. he was imagining things. it was actually just a bag of flour. he likes baking. erica and boyd are in hawaii. they return happy and smelling of sunscreen and perfeCTLY UNSCATHED 

Silly Haters

One thing about me is that I have no time to “hate” or go to another SBs page and ask questions about how she gets what she gets. Or ask why she doesn’t do this or that. For the person or “few people” out of the thousands of followers I have that believe that my money pics are just the Same bills 🙄🙄 hunty my nails are different in each pic so clearly each week I am getting new money. And for those that don’t know I always ask Jet for small bills. It is easier to keep up with. Any female can get 5 100 dollar bills and blow it in a second. Smaller bills just makes me cherish it longer. And ALSO I keep telling you “haters” that I still have a damn job that pays me a paycheck each week. Jet is a grown damn man and even though he has the money I don’t go asking for things I don’t want. If I want an MK over a Rolex then that’s what I’m going to get. Let’s keep in mind he has been with me for a long time know and Ive been a SB for 5 years so obtaining nice things isn’t an issue for me. I am grateful to him and don’t just wine like a baby begging for a Rolex and a Lambo. I just like what I like and get what I want. I post my pics to show I’m not some fake frog like some people so Instead of worrying about my items and my money how about you post a picture of what your SD has given you? I started getting 500 a week and that was when I was 18. I’m 23 now with 2k a week. Just because it’s more money than the haters will EVER see doesn’t mean you need to come for me And I ALSO said that sometimes I get 2k and sometimes I don’t. But Jet ALWAYS makes sure I’m taken care of. I went from switching schools, losing a job, and my financial aid to becoming an assistant manager, graduating college this August and finding a great SD that cares for me. So why hate? Why write me anonymously? 👀 oh because you jealous…it’s okay hun. I’m use to it. Don’t come for me without thinking I won’t read you to filth.

i wanna make a incomprehensable zodiac post so here goes
  • currently drawing dicks: libra, aries
  • hey look i found a 5 dollar bill on the ground: cancer, leo, virgo
  • reading a walt whitman book right now: taurus, pieces, capricorn, aquarius
  • sleeps on couch sometimes: scorpio, gemini, sagittarius