5 ill

I’ve been feeling restless the last few weeks so I thought that maybe I’ve reached the stage where I can do a bit of exercise and it won’t send me into another full-blown relapse, so long as I’m very careful about it.

My parents have been taking the doggus out for a walk every other day. Problem is, she drags like hell and nobody has bothered her to actually train her out of this. (We’re all ADHD as hell and are generally pretty bad when it comes to training our animals. I was the only one who trained our old dog to sit and stay and so on, too.) She drags so hard that she’ll yank me off my feet – and she weighs half as much as our dog who passed away six years ago, who dragged like hell but I could still handle.

So I figured, oh what the hell, may as well knock out two birds with one stone and train the dog.

Thankfully, she is a very smart dog! She dragged me about 30-40 metres down the road yesterday before she started realising what I was doing, and toned the dragging down quite a bit. I only took her about 200 metres up the road before I started getting pinged by my body it was time to stop, but we made a ton of progress for such a short outing.

Today she was much better right out of the gate. I went about half of the distance today to be on the safe side with my illness, but the dog was much better behaved overall.

If you give her an inch, she takes a mile – if I’m so much as the tiniest bit slack on enforcing the training, she goes back to pulling, but so long as I’m vigilant and patient, she gets the hang of things very quickly. 

Now it’s just a matter of getting it to be enough of a habit she forgets to push her luck. The test will be if she gets walked by someone else, will she immediately go back to dragging them or will my training stick?

For now, my parents are all “:D” because they’ve gotten tired of walking her (because, like I said, they won’t train her), and now they’re reassured I won’t blow my body up again doing this they’re like “Oh man we better let you do all the dog walking, so that we don’t give her mixed messages!”

“Well, if you like, I can show you how I do it – “

“Hahaha nope that won’t be necessary don’t worry about it we’re sure you’ve got it handled :D”

i say “i’m seeing a therapist” and he takes a step backwards. why he wants to know. what happened. what made me like this, basically. what was the final step that pushed me safely into the side of scary people like them.

there’s a lot i think about. like how my illnesses effect me outside of the actual symptoms. like beyond the weight there’s a second river to drown in.

i mean we don’t talk about having to stare at employment papers where they ask you to self-identify your problems. that little bead of sweat that forms when you worry - what if i don’t tell them and i need help? what if i tell them and they think i’m a risk factor? what if they won’t give me the job?

we don’t talk about the way some people act when they find out. the ones who are rude about it are one thing. but then there’s those people you thought were your friends who act like you just told them you’re infectious. who become weird and distant and suspicious like a switch flipped. like if they get to close to you, you’ll give it to them.

we learn to be okay with things we overhear on the bus but we never get used to it coming out of the mouth of the people we love. we carry this secret with us like a rotted fruit, clutching it to our bodies. we’re ashamed of our scars in front of our boss. we don’t talk about our panic attacks during lunch breaks. when the cop pulls you over “i’m disassociating” isn’t an excuse we can open the page on. when you watch people make these ranting posts about how real friends always text back, how if someone loves you, they’ll find the time to spend. success stories make other people cry with inspiration while some part of your brain is saying you can’t do that, you’re not like them. things are uglier at the bottom. you can’t explain why you can’t just make friends. you can’t write because you’re depressed but when you’re depressed you write best. you can’t eat today and no don’t ask why please. nevermind taking the train. never mind trying to be happy. never mind reading books and watching movies and wondering where exactly are people like you in hero stories. i watch a video where a man tells me that being depressed is just a mindset. when i wear all black someone remarks i look particularly emo today. it’s 2017 does anyone say emo anymore, i ask her, and she laughs, “you just look like one of those fake-depressed girls.” okay.  

i don’t tell him my therapist is actually why things don’t happen anymore. why i’m getting a handle on it. my tongue feels swollen. i feel embarrassed talking about it. in the highest twist of irony, i think of how many people know my problems anonymously on the internet. i almost spill out all my troubles onto him. instead i tell him it’s just a precaution. that i think everyone should really see a therapist, they’re brain mechanics and we all need a tune-up now and then. he relaxes.

okay. okay. i’m sorry i’m one of them.


Harry Potter Art Challenge- Day Eight : Favorite Quote

This is a quote from Dumbledore in Goblet of Fire. I thought it fit every character in the book so..

I’m sorry I’m rushing this so much but I have no time

Commission Me


The Lizzie Bennet Diaries 5 Year Anniversary - My Name is Lizzie Bennet - Ep: 1 (April 9th 2012)

Who am I? I’m a 24 year old grad student with a mountain of student loans, living at home and preparing for a career.

quadrants are good: tiny brain

quadrants are bad: big brain

quadrants are a clever piece of worldbuilding that can make good analogies to already existing relationships, but trying to compartmentalize one’s feelings for someone the way the trolls try to do in the comic (and how everyone else does in fanon) is Bad and even presented as such, similar to how heteronormativity negatively affects people in real life: bigger ascending brain

quadrants are fun: biggest astrally expanding brain


Ryuji: dude, was that supposed to be your confession?
Futaba: I should’ve known Inari wouldn’t be able to pull this off…..
Yusuke: look! He’s so touched he’s speechless!!!


more p5 comics


happy 413 /╲/\〳 ᴼᴼ ౪ ᴼᴼ 〵/\╱\