5 great tweets

oh wOW would you LOOK AT THAT !! looks like calum’s thicc ass does know how to use a phone and even hold it angled close enough that he could help an entire world bless up™ with a selfy and yet… and yet he chooses to take another picture of a random leaf or ashton looking at a random leaf like why calum what did i do to deserve this is this because i brought up THAT snapchat video but like you said nothing to be ashamed of baby ok listen i should have let it die the way you let try hard die so i will be a humanitarian and promise to not discuss your holy nut™ for the rest of janutary if you’ll just post a god damn selfy. think of the children calum so young and having to learn fully the extent of the cruelties of the world. they need a selfy from you. do it for the children

5 Great Tweets - @overlandparker

And now for 5 Great Tweets from the funniest real estate agent I know, @overlandparker:

Great, now that only weirdos say “The Rapture is coming,” I’m going to have to start screaming something else when I climax.

My son asked why I’m drinking. My silence must have been a good answer because he turned around & slowly walked away in my wife’s heels.

Well, Son, maybe I’d be able to transform your Optimus Prime back into a semi-truck if it wasn’t the God damn Rubik’s Cube of Satan.

Every time I think I’m a smooth talker with the ladies, karma reintroduces me to that hot cashier at Target that is a complete bitch/deaf.

I’d like to tell you I can keep you safe son but let’s be realistic here, we’re dealing with a closet that has a goddamn monster in it.

My 3 y/o just said to go away because he didn’t want me anymore. I know he doesn’t mean it, but it still makes me sad to see him this drunk.

Follow Michael on Twitter here and on tumblr here.

*Note: I’m aware there are 6 tweets here; I tried for 20 minutes and couldn’t decide which to remove. They’re all too good.

5 Great Tweets - @matthewdolkart

And now for 5 Great Tweets from Cat Fancy magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, @matthewdolkart:

Short-list of the things Law & Order ruined for me: jogging in Central Park, taking a long walk by the East River and autoerotic asphyxiation.

Look mom, no hands. No hands! Mom. Look. LOOK! That guy has NO HANDS!

I don’t need a grocery checkout divider because it’s clear where her night with Bacardi ends and my night with multi-cat litter begins.

Getting ‘shitfaced’ is not a euphemism for getting drunk. Not at my parties.

Just because there’s a ketchup stain on my t-shirt, doesn’t mean I’m a slob. The difficulty level of eating a hot dog in bed is ridiculous.

Follow Matthew on Twitter here and on tumblr here.

5 Great Tweets - @imaudihere

And now for 5 Great Tweets from one of the funniest sociopaths on Twitter, @imaudihere:

WOMEN, right? They’re always all, “blah blah blah” and I’m like “huh?” and then they’re all, “ROAAAAARRR!”. Wait. I’m thinking of dinosaurs.

It’s true what they say; you don’t know what you have until it’s suing you for alimony & setting fire to your Lord of the Rings collection.

They say curiosity killed the cat. Which is true, because “curiosity” is also what I nicknamed my shovel.

I don’t care if you’re laughing AT me or WITH me, as long as everyone agrees that there’s no need to bring the cops into this.

I hate how my dentist is always like “you need to floss more” and “that’s not enough money for this much heroin” and “I’m not a dentist”.

Follow Rob on Twitter here and on tumblr here.