4.08: the ex files


Yesterday I was talking with my friend about my ex boyfriend, A. Ya know, the one that got away, the one I will forever be in love with.

I can’t help but feel like we are meant to be together. Even after all this time, even after everything that has happened with him. I would, in a heartbeat, be back with him.

And when Ryan and I broke up, I held on to this hope, this nostalgia, this dream that now A and I could be together. But he has a girlfriend and that doesn’t feel like it’s going to change any time soon. So really, the ball is in his court if and when they break up.

But the thought of it was making me crazy that I had to let that hope go. I had to give up the fairytale and let my heart free. I feel much more at peace with everything, but I’ll never stop loving A.

Batman, Batgirl and Catwoman

Guise, ok lang na may naging Batgirl si DJ dati kasi in the DC universe indi nman si Batgirl yung minahal talaga ni Batman – it’s Catwoman, aka Selina Kyle.

In fact, Batgirl aka Barbara Gordon isn’t even in the Top 10 Females that Batman aka Bruce Wayne fell in love with. 

So kung sino man yung dating Batgirl ni DJ, deadma na… nakita na niya kasi yung talagang katapat niya — yung Selina Kyle/Catwoman ng buhay niya.

So guys kalma nlng tayo sa ex ni DJ. Kasi nmn if you think about it, masakit nga talaga siguro that you see a person who once had strong feelings for you publicly declare that whatever he’s feeling for Kath is something he never felt before, and that those past feelings pales so much in comparison to what he’s feeling now for another girl. 

If you were in her position, even if you’ve moved on, may pitik pa rin yan. It’s probably more ego than unrequited feelings for The Ex at this point.

Basta, si Batman indi para kay Batgirl. 

Si Batman para kay Catwoman lang. 

Tapos ang usapan. 

Mulder: hi. I’m looking for information about Hannibal Lecter.

Freddie: do you want to end up as a sandwich?

Chilton: I don’t know. I think he’s more of a roast kind of guy.

Mulder: I’m still here.

Freddie: Hannibal’s on his Murder Honeymoon with Will. I don’t think he’s going to want to take much time away from that.

Chilton:: I think he’ll want to impress Will. He courted the profiler with his cooking. He’ll continue doing it now.

Mulder: seriously, I’m still here.

Freddie: he’s already got Will. He doesn’t need to keep courting.

Chilton: Hannibal is a very romantic guy. He’s never going to stop courting.

Mulder: hey, guess what? I’m. Still. Here.

Freddie: and if Hannibal finds you, you’ll always be here. Well, a part of you will be here, inside Hannibal and Will.

Chilton: and probably outside of them too. I bet Hannibal would craft some pretty cool murder tableaus out of this guy.

It may not be easy, but it doesn't have to be hard

In January I started seeing a therapist.  Shortly after I started, Jeff and I broke up so the topics of discussion quickly changed from how I wanted to handle life to how life was handling me.  I was okay with that for awhile, but by the time I started traveling for work in the spring I was done letting life call the shots. 

I went back last week after I was feeling COMPLETELY overwhelmed with life. I knew my brain was fried, my heart was hurting and my emotions were raw and I just needed to have her help me sort it out.  

Self-esteem has always been a problem for me. It’s revealed itself in different ways over the years (short temper, being a victim, emotional eating, putting myself in bad situations, choosing bad friends, complacency, etc.) and I knew it was playing a huge part again but I couldn’t figure things out. 

We talked for a long time. (Ha! I can’t believe I just said that. Yeah, we talked for 50 minutes. That’s what you do in a session. I’m weird.) A lot of the strongest emotions had to do with my weight, and the therapist helped me get to a conclusion that –STILL– shocks me. 

I’ve mentioned a few times on here that between Jan-April 2008 I lost 60 pounds.  My starting weight then is the same as my weight now. Rather than being the inspiration of “you’ve done it before so you can do it again!”, lately it’s been “WTF is wrong with you?! Why’d you let it get back to square one? And why have you been at this point ALL YEAR and have really not made progress?!”  Just hearing myself think so negatively about that situation is incredibly hard. 

We talked about what was different in each situation.  In both situations my relationship ended in February. (yeah. I don’t like that month.) I was trying to lose weight before each of the breakups. When the first relationship ended in 2008, I hated how I looked at the time and I hated how I got there.  The people that I’d been around were incredibly negative/condescending, I wasn’t having fun with the day-to-day of my life and, even though I did NOT realize it then, I wanted to change EVERYTHING about my life at the time and the breakup was the chance to do that.  I found myself working out by myself (with no clue of what I was doing, but more motivation than I knew what to do with), eating good food (without a second thought) and just trying to get a grip on life. 

The difference now is that while I don’t like how I look right now, I actually really love what got me here.  Tailgating and pub crawls with friends, lunches out with people, baking, being busy with life — all of it.  So why am I not making the changes that I **KNOW** I need to make?  Because I don’t want to change what got me here!!!   That…I don’t know what to do with. 

One of the suggestions that my therapist made was to stop looking at things as hard.  They may not be easy, but that doesn’t mean they are hard.  It might just be a challenge.  Like drinking water and not Diet Coke – water is literally the easiest thing for me to drink. It’s not hard! It’s just a choice.  A salad at a restaurant isn’t HARD to order. It’s a choice. 

I’ve prolonged writing this post for over a week for the fact that I feel like it’s a realization that helps, but absolutely requires action.  In the past week, I’ve been thinking about it, but haven’t taken the action.  That sucks to realize, but it takes a commitment to change your life. 

I want to fix it. I want to change. I want things to be different. I want to feel completely different physically but equally, if not MORE happy than I am right now. 

So…there’s that. 

Mulder: Scully… I think you have a drinking problem. Bedelia: were you married to Hannibal Lecter? Mulder: no. Bedelia: did he and his new boyfriend cut off your leg, cook it at 200 degrees for several hours, roasting it in garlic and making it smell so good, you wanted a bite? Mulder: no. Bedelia: trust me, I don’t have a problem. I have a coping mechanism. Mulder: your leg looks fine, though. Bedelia: I went to the same doctor Chilton went to. The guy’s a miracle worker.

Well, Queen, you win again.

Queen said it best “Another one bites the dust"  (wow, that sounds really calloused when I think about it.)

Jeff and I broke up this morning. While it’s really sad, we both felt it coming a little bit.  He’s not sure he’s really in a place to be able to offer what our relationship needed (and he says that I’ve been clear since day one in what I was asking for) so we’ve made the decision to go seperate ways. 

It’s very very very tricky …shit. WE LIVE TOGETHER.  Luckily my old roommate never rented out my old room and I’m able to move in with her for a month or two until I figure out where I want to go.  (thinking that at 29, it’s high time I live by myself for a bit.) 

Jeff and I are aware that we need some time apart from each other and really just keeping it to talking about when I can move all my shit, but we both are hopeful that after some time/space/adjustment we’ll be able to be friends.  There’s been so much….invested.

BTW - Things you’ll regret saying during a break-up: "You’re afraid of losing the time you’ve invested in us? Welcome to Wall Street"  Yeah, that one’s gonna haunt me for awhile.

Oh and for the record, I’m aware of the whole "There’s plenty of fish in the sea” theory, but….I HATE FISHING.   So…don’t say that comment. kthanksbye.