3 seconds to mars

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.
The signs as bands who were at their prime in the early 2000s
  • Aries: Cute is What We Aim For
  • Taurus: My Chemical Romance
  • Gemini: The Academy Is...
  • Cancer: The All American Rejects
  • Leo: Taking Back Sunday
  • Virgo: Fall Out Boy
  • Libra: AFI
  • Scorpio: Panic! At The Disco
  • Sagittarius: Green Day
  • Capricorn: 30 Seconds to Mars
  • Aquarius: 3oh!3
  • Pisces: Metro Station
Looking back, I can’t remember the truth. I blew everything out of proportion so I could feel the hurt and betrayal and write about it in vivid detail. It was my own method of torture. My own undoing; and I enjoyed every second of it.
—  c.j.n.

Imagine Jared helping you after a break up

“You don’t have to go” I hear Shannon speaking from the bedroom door, “This is also your apartment”

“No, it isn't” I mutter, “And after what I had to witness, I can’t believe you are asking me to stay”

I hear his sigh before leaving the room. Shannon knows that he fucked everything up and I thank him for not begging me to stay.

I place the last couple of shirts on my suitcase before closing it up. I take a last look at the bedroom, noticing how out of place my luggage looks on the floor. My eyes move towards the bed, bringing me images of what I had to see just a couple of hours ago. I can feel the tears forming on my eyes, but I can’t allow myself to cry again. Shannon doesn’t deserve my tears. Just one tear escapes from my eyes before I use my sleeve to dry the rest. Just keep yourself calm for a couple of minutes more, in one hour you can cry and destroy everything that gets in front of you. But now, just keep calm.

I spent just four months on that apartment, reason why I have only two suitcases with me when I reach the living room. Shannon’s eyes travel from my luggage to my eyes, and I’m not able to hold his gaze.

“Do you need help?” He dares to ask.

I shake my head, taking my luggage and walking towards the door. I take the apartment key out of my keychain and let it drop on the small table next to the door.

“It wasn’t all my fault, you know?”

I turn around to face Shannon one last time, he looks angry and his arms are crossed on his chest.

“I may have been too busy with work, but you were the one who kept her heart looked up. I love you, but you didn’t let yourself love me back”

“That’s not true” I whisper.

“You lie to me, you lie to yourself…” Shannon shakes his head in frustration, walking towards me, stopping a few feet from where I stand, “You never loved me, and we both know the reason why”

His eyes look hurt, and for the first time since I found out what was going with Shannon, I feel guilty. I let out a smile, a hurt one, and get out of the house. There’s nothing more I can say to him, and there’s nothing that he can tell me that’s gonna fix what happened.

When I’m on the street I realize I have nowhere to go. I sold my apartment when we decided to move together, and my family was miles away from me. Shannon would have laughed at me, seeing me take my phone and dial the number that saved my ass more times than he would have wanted to.
“Hey, I was just thinking about calling Shann” I hear his happy voice from the other side of the line, “Emma and I have been thinking of having a night out”

“I’m not going” I whisper, my voice breaking.

“What? Are you alright?”

“Can you come pick me up? Something happened”

“Sure, just tell me where”

I decide that the coffee shop in the corner would be a nice place to wait, since the weather keeps getting worse by the minute.

The girl behind the counter greets me with a smile and writes my name on a cup, “Your usual Latte?” She asks me, I nod leaving a couple of bucks on the counter.

I decide to sit on the back of the place, leaving my luggage on one side. My phone is the only distraction I have for the moment, I check my emails and answer a couple of them before I hear the front door open again.

Jared enters the place and it feels like everyone turns around to see him walk inside. He is wearing his hoodie over his head, but once he takes it off I can see how messy his hair looks. With a smile glued to his lips, he walks towards my table. I allow myself a quick look at this eyes, and that’s when he notices something isn’t right.

“You’ve been crying” He whispers, leaning on the table to reach my hand, “What’s going on? Why… What’s all this luggage doing here?”

I want to answer, I want to tell him everything, but the tears get hold of my eyes and my view of his hand on mine gets blurry. In no time, I’m letting go all the pain on my chest. Jared gets up from his seat to move his chair next to mine and hold me in his arms. I can feel the beating of his heart when he puts my head against his chest. I let everything out, feeling his hands caress my hair, and his heartbeat as a lullaby.

“He cheated on me” I finally say, noticing how his hands stop caressing my hair, “I found him on our bed with a girl”

All I can hear is the intelligible conversations of the other people in the shop. Jared stays quiet, holding me for what it feels like hours. I want him to talk, to say anything, I just want to hear someone say how much they understand me. I need someone to lend me a hand, because now that I say it aloud, it hurts even more.

“Who?”

“I don’t know, it was just a girl, probably from work”

His hand starts moving again on my hair, and my heart starts to feel a bit warmer.

“You can come with me” He whispers, resting his cheek on my head, “We’ll fix this up, don’t worry”

Jared takes my luggage and takes it to car, while I sit on the passenger sit. I can see him through the rearview mirror, still hearing Shannon’s laugh in my head. Without noticing I take my hands to my face, trying to erase his laugh from my memories, trying to forget I was going to marry him.

“Ok, everything’s ready” Jared says, entering the car, “You okay?”

I nod, taking my hands off my face, giving him the most sincere smile I can. A smile appears on his face as he starts the engine.

It doesn’t takes us long to get to his apartment, the streets look awkwardly empty now that it has started to rain. Jared takes my luggage inside the building, and I follow him as we enter the elevator.

I can see his reflection through the mirror and I can’t help but ask myself how two brothers can be so different. Jared notices my eyes on his reflection and offers me a kind smile. I can’t return the smile, so I just lower my head to keep getting lost in my thoughts.

His apartment looks a bit messy, but is the kind of mess that Jared understands. Both of my suitcases end up in his guest room.

“Make yourself at home, once you are ready come to the kitchen, I’ll prepare something to eat”

I nod, sitting on the bed. Jared stares at me for a few seconds before heading towards the door.

“Jared?”

He stops, but does not turn around to look at me.

“Thank you, for everything”

It takes me an hour to set a few of my things in the drawers, get a shower and get the balls to head to the kitchen. Once again, Jared is here for me, holding me, showing me that I’m not alone. I sit in one of the stools, his eyes look away from the pan in his hands for a few seconds to look at me.

They do not have the same eyes, not even the same color, but these eyes remind of the ones that made me cry earlier. Jared seems to notice something isn’t right almost immediately.

“He called, let me finish here and we’ll talk, ok?”

I nod, feeling my body tensing at the thought of Shannon talking with Jared.

From the way Shannon and I met must have been a sign of how our relationship was doomed from the start. We were at a club, I was with friends, Shannon with his brother and Emma. We all had our eye on Jared, you just don’t find someone like him every day, and we knew that. Two of my friends tried their luck, both being rejected by the mysterious blue-eyed man. I was the only one who didn’t want to do it, and I got bored of their endless conversation about this handsome man. I end up in the bar, drinking a beer alone, when Shannon appeared by my side. He recognized me from my group of friends, and we talked about their attempts to seduce Jared. When he asked me if I was enamored by his brother too, I couldn’t say no.

Shannon knew all along that I had feelings for his brother, but that didn’t stop any of us of trying to make our relationship work. After the last couple of months, Shannon started ignoring the matter completely, and we didn’t spoke about it unless we were fighting.

When Jared finishes cooking and serving dinner, both of us sit on the dinner table. He’s too quiet, and I’m too tense.

“What did Shannon say?” I dare to ask, after two whole minutes just looking at my plate.

“He wanted to know if you were here” He says, “He also asked me if I…”

“If you what?” I ask him, even though I know what’s coming.

“If I had already fucked you”

Now that the words have finally come out of his mouth, a long sigh leaves his body. My body is more tense than before, and I feel the tears threatening their way out. My attraction for Jared was the Achilles heel of our relationship, and I wasn’t really surprised that he would ask Jared something like that.

“I’m sorry” I mutter.

“It’s alright” Jared says, holding my hand tight, “He’s hurt too, he made the wrong decision and knows it”

“Yes, but he shouldn’t…”

“Hey” He stops me, taking his other hand to hold my chin, making me look him in the eyes, “He fucked up, we both know that. Now, you need to recover from this. I’m not leaving you alone”

I nod, feeling a single tear rolling down my cheek. He’s right, I need to get over this and move on.

Jared lets go of me, asking me to try what he prepared. I nod again, trying to show a smile to let him now that I was being serious about getting better.

We don’t talk about Shannon again during dinner, Jared talks about work and how stressed he’s feeling. Emma becomes the center of our conversation at one point, even the idea of getting a dog once I find a place to live and how I should name it.

Once we finish, Jared asks me if I want to watch a movie, or just find something on tv.  I accept, there’s nothing else I  have to do. We watch the dishes first, leaving everything clean before laying on the couch. Jared searches something on netflix and we end up watching something old.

We keep our distance, laughing at times, sharing a few smiles and looks, but never touching. I just want to feel at home and forget about everything, so I end up ignoring how uncomfortable can be at times trying not to get too close to the other.

When the movie ends we stay in silence for a couple of seconds, even a minute, just looking at the credits roll.

“I should go to bed” I mumble, but not even moving an inch.

“Do you have to work tomorrow?” He asks, turning to face me. I shake my head, avoiding his eyes.

“Thanks again” I whisper one last time, finally getting up from the couch, “I’ll see you tomorrow”

I walk fast to the bedroom, leaving the door closed behind me. And, suddenly, everything comes back to my head. The tears start rolling again, my chest tightens and I feel a scream wanting to come out of my throat. My breathing turns heavy, and it’s like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders. I need air, but I can’t move my body to get to the window. Out of nowhere, I can feel a pair of hands on my shoulders, and Jared’s voice trying to bring me back from my little hell.

“It’s okay, try to breath slowly” He says, doing it himself so I can imitate him.

I do as he says, being carried to the bed, and sitting on it. Jared’s hands never leave my arms and shoulders, caressing me and lifting up my head so I can see him in the eyes.

“That’s it, you are doing great”

I can feel more air going through my lungs, and my whole body starting to relax. In just a minute I’m okay, breathing normally, but feeling my body as if a truck ran over it. Jared smiles at me, caressing my hair.

“Can you stay with me?”

“I’m here for you, don’t worry” Jared whispers.

Jared nods, helping me lay on the bed. He lays by my side, getting his body close to mine, covering us both with a blanket. His heartbeat serves as my lullaby again, leading me to calmness immediately.

“Everything’s fine” He whispers again, and I believe him.