Wildcard: Matchmaker. (Kardace, Moof, you do seem to meddle in both of those...)
Meddle? Me? ;)
Why yes, I meddle with everyone.
“Are you sure that’s going to work, Mel-Mel?”, Heinz asked, voice wavering with uncertainty. “You said it yourself, couples with one good and one evil person never end well … “
A guilty look crossed Melinda’s face. “I know … they never do … but these two are so adorable together! And even if it doesn’t work out in the long run, poor Karl deserves some fun, right?”
Heinz smiled, nodding. He trusted his wife’s opinions on these things, she was usually spot on. “Okay, sooo … ” he fumbled a bit, “I just have to sound intimidating so he’ll think I’m his boss?”
“Yeah!”, Mel was excited. Formulating and executing these kind of schemes was almost as exciting as coming up with evil schemes. “Throw in some Choo Choo talk in there if he gets suspicious, and you’re good to go!”
Heinz breathed in an out like an actor preparing himself, and dialed the number; it showed up on the other side as a blocked ID, and Karl picked up right away.
“Helloooo, Karl? This is, uh, this is your boooss … ” He tried to keep his voice stern and unfaltering, like his counterpart’s.
Mel whispered to him: “No hesitation. Whatever you think of, just go with it!”
On the other side of the line, Karl said: “Yes, Sir?”
Oh, good, Heinz thought. He’s buying it. “I need you to come to my- to the first dimension right away. Leave all your weapons and your watch at home and wear a tux, okay?” He realized he shouldn’t have phrased is as a question and quickly fixed it. “I-I mean, do it! Because I told you to!” Mel gave him the thumbs up.
” … Is everything okay, Sir?” Karl thought that he sounded very odd. Truth be told, if his former boss hadn’t been going through some intense personal hardships these days, Karl would have been very suspicious. But given everything that had happened, it was understandable that Doofenshmirtz was a bit … off.
“Yes! Just come, now!”, Heinz tried his best to imitate Doof’s snarl.
Karl frowned. “But without weapons, Sir? Is that … wise?”
“Get mad!”, Mel whispered again, and right on cue Heinz hissed as if someone had made a lewd pass at Vanessa. “Are you questioning my judgment, Karl?” Mel applauded silently, grinning.
“O-of course not Sir, my apologies. I’ll be there right away.”
“Good. I’m texting you the address. Don’t disappoint me.” Heinz hung up and let out a relieved breath. “Nailed it!”, he beamed.
In the second dimension, a very confused Karl shook his head. Was Doofenshmirtz in danger and he had just failed to decipher his former employer’s code? With a dejected sigh, he fished his only tux out from his closet, and silently thanked Mel for throwing that ridiculous Yule Ball last Christmas; because otherwise he’d still have to buy a tux, and in his dimension it’d be nearly impossible.
Now that her husband had performed brilliantly, it was time for Mel to do her part. She opened a portal to the second dimension and made her way to Candace’s house. She rang the doorbell, and was greeted by a Dooferall-clad Candace Flynn grabbing her arm and pulling her in.
“Mel? What are you doing here?”, she narrowed her eyes, for once not wearing her black shades.
“I have a present-for- yooou!” Mel sang happily, dangling a beautiful black dress in front of Candace’s face.
” … Don’t be silly, you know I’d never wear that.” Mel had some crazy ideas, but this was a little much. Smuggling chocolates, she was okay with, but this? “You must have hit your head pretty hard if you think I’d ever go anywhere looking like that.”
Candace was very firm about it, but Mel simply smirked. To her, it was almost like a predator surrounding her prey. “But you’d look so beautiful in it. And, no offense, but that Dooferall isn’t very flattering at all. Have you even felt it? It’s so smooth, it’d be so comfortable!”
The teenager raised an eyebrow. The dress was beautiful, and she liked Mel, but she was still evil … could she really trust her? “No, thanks. It’s beautiful but I wouldn’t be caught dead in a dress. What if the Normbots invaded right now and I couldn’t fight them because of my attire?”
“Oh, trust me, you can fight in a dress. You can fight.”, Mel nodded solemnly, with the look of someone who knew what she was talking about. “Besides,”, she added, now with a cheerful smile, “don’t you want to look extra beautiful sometimes?”
” …. I don’t have time for that, I have a war to win.”
Mel sighed. It was time to bring out the big guns. Just like that, her eyes started to well up and she was on the verge of tears. “I-I’m sorry. It’s just that we haven’t seen each other in so long, I just thought it’d be a nice gift. Gosh, I’m so stupid! Can … you at least try it on for me?”
Candace was at a loss for words. Was Mel really crying because of a dress? “Ugh, okay, don’t cry. I’ll put it on really quickly. If I get arrested for this I’m ratting you out.” She took the dress and retreated to change, never seeing Mel’s smirk of victory. She put the dress on, and was amazed at how good she looked. The dress was flattering, and not too revealing. Mel was even right about it being comfortable! She walked out of her bathroom and found Mel holding her phone with a serious look on her face.
“Apparently there are Normbots in my dimension! I’m so sorry, I really need your help!” Melinda opened a portal and jumped right in, not wanting to give the teenager a chance to reply. Candace was confused, but if Mel was in trouble she’d help her. Cursing herself for trying on the darned dress, she followed the evil girl into the first dimension, hoping Mel was right about the ability to fight in a dress.
Karl arrived at the address given to him. It was a lounge that could be rented out for parties. The place was very elegant, but Karl wasn’t paying attention: he was worried and on duty. “Sir?”
” Erm, not exactly … ” Heinz was near the door, with a sheepish smile on his face. His shoulders raised in a shrug and he said, uncertain: “Gotcha?”
Karl scowled, his anger growing. “Did you trick me into thinking you were the Emperor?”
“I, um … Mel will be here any minute!” Heinz rushed out of the room and locked the door behind him, not wanting to deal with an angry former Head of Torture. Karl heard the key turning and cursed, running to the door. He pulled on it and kicked it, shouting threats at Heinz, but the door wouldn’t budge. Resigned, he crossed his arms. “Why did I leave my weapons at home? I could’ve blown a hole through it!” Just as he was about to try knocking it down again, another door on the other side of the room opened. Candace was lightly pushed in, and Mel locked that side too, trapping both of them in there.
Karl’s jaw dropped. “Miss Flynn?”
She turned to face him, raising a surprised eyebrow. “Karl? What are you doing here?”
“Melinda’s husband tricked me. You … you look very pretty, Miss Flynn, but you don’t happen to have your belt with you, do you?”
She shook her head. “No, and I assume you don’t have anything on you either?”, she smirked a bit and added, “and you look good too.”
Karl smirked back at her. “Your assumption is right. What a childish plan, to lock us here together.”
“Mmhm.” Candace frowned; maybe the situation wasn’t as bad as it looked. “But do you remember the first time we … hung out? She ambushed us there too, with Melinda.”
“True, at the Slushy Burger. It … wasn’t a bad day … “ He looked right at her, wondering why his stomach was suddenly turning.
Out of nowhere, some sort of ballad started playing, and Karl groaned. “Is she serious?”
“This is ridiculous!”, Candace growled, frustrated. And then she started thinking of that time they shared a dance in some school gym. “Well Karl, it looks like we’re trapped anyway, and we’re not getting out until she lets us … maybe we should just enjoy it.”
” … You’re not suggesting … “
She walked up to him, resting her hands on his shoulders. He blushed, completely frozen, and she smirked. “Your hands go in my waist, see.”
He narrowed his eyes and grinned, placing his hands where she told him to. “Don’t get so comfortable, Miss Flynn. If I remember correctly I’m the better dancer here.”
She laughed. “In your dreams, Karl. In your dreams.”
In a room above theirs, watching the surveillance cameras, husband and wife high-fived each other for a successful scheme.
“Yes, I know she tried to kill you, Doof. I was there. But you’re the one who said you miss her, and- hold on, someone’s on the other line.”
She pulled the phone away from her ear and pressed the button to pick up the next call. “Hello?”
Aaaand right on cue, it was Melinda. Since their breakup it felt like high school all over again: they were always calling Mel to vent or ask for advice. Not that she minded, she missed high school and she loved hearing both their sides. But hearing Melinda explain how the assassination attempt had been a one-time thing that had only happened because she snapped, Mel realized something: it was time to interfere.
When she finally hung up the phone, she started to plot. This was a difficult couple: they were both murderous psychopaths with egos bigger than a mansion, and there was a lot of bad history between them. From brutal torture to an assassination attempt, they were at a point where most people would claim the relationship was beyond salvation. But Mel wasn’t ‘most people’, she was the Social Dictator and a master of manipulation. They were both her best friends and they were obviously unhappy without each other; while they were dating, they seemed perfect together! And most importantly, since Mel and Heinz were, in Mel’s opinion, soulmates, she couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe their 2D counterparts were, too, and she feared they were going to lose their soulmates if she let things run their course. So it had become clear to her: she had to concoct the biggest, baddest, most amazing evil matchmaking scheme she had ever come up with.
After thinking on it for two whole days, Mel was sure of three things: one, Melinda felt too guilty to try and approach Doof again. Two, Doof needed to see Melinda truly cared about him. Three, their weakness was each other’s sexiness. So what was going to make Melinda forget her guilt for a second and prove her feelings to Doof, hopefully earning his forgiveness? The answer was obvious; she couldn’t believe she took so long to figure it out! She needed a death scare. The sexiness would just have to be played out naturally, as it usually was with them.
Mel got to work immediately. She found a bag of fake blood in her closet of disguises and dipped her hands on it, splashing a bit on her dress while she did it. “Darn it, another one ruined. This thing doesn’t come out. Ugh.” Slightly annoyed, she then rubbed her eyes hard, to make them redder and puffier, and headed to Melinda’s house in the second dimension.
“Mel?”, Melinda’s eyes widened when she saw her friend. “Are you hurt? What happened?”
Mel took a deep breath before answering, making sure her lips were quavering and her voice was breaking. “I-it’s Doofenshmirtz. The Resistance attacked, and … well, things aren’t looking good. E-Especially so soon after the stabbing, I-I think you might … want to go say goodb-
Before Mel was even done, Melinda was already racing to the streets, ignoring every rule that forbade her from running in the Tri-Doof Area. She was panicking, she couldn’t stand the thought of losing him! He was the love of her life, she needed to save him somehow! Or at least make sure he died knowing she loved him! She ran as fast as her legs could carry her, bursting into DEI with Mel in tow, desperately looking for him …
… and she found a very surprised Doofenshmirtz looking down at her from his throne.
“Doofenshmirtz!”, she gasped, tears coming to her eyes. “Y-you’re okay? You’re okay! Oh, thank evilness!” Despite her better judgment, she threw her arms around his neck in a tight hug. He scowled and pushed her away. “Of cooourse I’m okay, now you better get out of here, traitor, before I have you doomed!”
Melinda froze and slowly stepped away, too hurt from his comment to yell at Mel for lying to her. Mel decided it was time to interfere. “Doof, wait a second. She, um, she thought you were dying. I may have … led her to think that … but see how worried she was? She rushed here without even thinking of the consequences!”
He blinked, taking sight of the ‘blood’ on Mel. “Is that true, Melinda?”
“Yes. I-I’m sorry … I shouldn’t have come here … but yes. I couldn’t stand the idea of losing you! I love you! Everything I’ve been telling you since the assassination attempt is true, all of it!”
The dictator let out an irritated sigh. “I know, I know. It’s just very hard to truuust you now.”
Melinda nodded. Doofenshmirtz looked so attractive sitting there that it gave her an idea. ” … Well … maybe … you don’t need to trust me just yet.”, she purred, walking towards him and swinging her hips. ”I didn’t trust you for a long time … but that didn’t stop us from getting together …”. Melinda stopped mere inches away from him, tracing a pattern from his jaw line to his cheek with her finger.
Doofenshmirtz smirked, closing the distance between them. “I can’t argue with that!” As much as he wanted to, how could he resist her? And deep down he was touched she had ran all the way there for him. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her onto the chair with him and kissed her deeply. She was quick to position herself on his lap while eagerly kissing back.
And Mel knew immediately that it was time to give them some privacy. Smiling smugly to herself, proud of yet another well done evil matchmaking job, she returned to her dimension.