neocollectables  asked:

Wildcard: Matchmaker. (Kardace, Moof, you do seem to meddle in both of those...)

Meddle? Me? ;) 

Why yes, I meddle with everyone. 


“Are you sure that’s going to work, Mel-Mel?”, Heinz asked, voice wavering with uncertainty. “You said it yourself, couples with one good and one evil person never end well … “

A guilty look crossed Melinda’s face. “I know … they never do … but these two are so adorable together! And even if it doesn’t work out in the long run, poor Karl deserves some fun, right?”

Heinz smiled, nodding. He trusted his wife’s opinions on these things, she was usually spot on. “Okay, sooo … ” he fumbled a bit, “I just have to sound intimidating so he’ll think I’m his boss?”

“Yeah!”, Mel was excited. Formulating and executing these kind of schemes was almost as exciting as coming up with evil schemes. “Throw in some Choo Choo talk in there if he gets suspicious, and you’re good to go!”

Heinz breathed in an out like an actor preparing himself, and dialed the number; it showed up on the other side as a blocked ID, and Karl picked up right away.


“Helloooo, Karl? This is, uh, this is your boooss … ” He tried to keep his voice stern and unfaltering, like his counterpart’s.

Mel whispered to him: “No hesitation. Whatever you think of, just go with it!”

On the other side of the line, Karl said:  “Yes, Sir?”

Oh, good, Heinz thought. He’s buying it. “I need you to come to my- to the first dimension right away. Leave all your weapons and your watch at home and wear a tux, okay?” He realized he shouldn’t have phrased is as a question and quickly fixed it.  “I-I mean, do it! Because I told you to!” Mel gave him the thumbs up.

” … Is everything okay, Sir?” Karl thought that he sounded very odd. Truth be told, if his former boss hadn’t been going through some intense personal hardships these days, Karl would have been very suspicious. But given everything that had happened, it was understandable that Doofenshmirtz was a bit …  off.

“Yes! Just come, now!”, Heinz tried his best to imitate Doof’s snarl.

Karl frowned. “But without weapons, Sir? Is that … wise?”

“Get mad!”, Mel whispered again, and right on cue Heinz hissed as if someone had made a lewd pass at Vanessa. “Are you questioning my judgment, Karl?” Mel applauded silently, grinning.

“O-of course not Sir, my apologies. I’ll be there right away.”

“Good. I’m texting you the address. Don’t disappoint me.” Heinz hung up and let out a relieved breath. “Nailed it!”, he beamed.

In the second dimension, a very confused Karl shook his head. Was Doofenshmirtz in danger and he had just failed to decipher his former employer’s code? With a dejected sigh, he fished his only tux out from his closet, and silently thanked Mel for throwing that ridiculous Yule Ball last Christmas; because otherwise he’d still have to buy a tux, and in his dimension it’d be nearly impossible.


Now that her husband had performed brilliantly, it was time for Mel to do her part. She opened a portal to the second dimension and made her way to Candace’s house. She rang the doorbell, and was greeted by a Dooferall-clad Candace Flynn grabbing her arm and pulling her in.

“Mel? What are you doing here?”, she narrowed her eyes, for once not wearing her black shades.

“I have a present-for- yooou!” Mel sang happily, dangling a beautiful black dress in front of Candace’s face.

” … Don’t be silly, you know I’d never wear that.” Mel had some crazy ideas, but this was a little much. Smuggling chocolates, she was okay with, but this? “You must have hit your head pretty hard if you think I’d ever go anywhere looking like that.”

Candace was very firm about it, but Mel simply smirked. To her, it was almost like a predator surrounding her prey. “But you’d look so beautiful in it. And, no offense, but that Dooferall isn’t very flattering at all. Have you even felt it? It’s so smooth, it’d be so comfortable!”

The teenager raised an eyebrow. The dress was beautiful, and she liked Mel, but she was still evil … could she really trust her? “No, thanks. It’s beautiful but I wouldn’t be caught dead in a dress. What if the Normbots invaded right now and I couldn’t fight them because of my attire?”

“Oh, trust me, you can fight in a dress. You can fight.”, Mel nodded solemnly, with the look of someone who knew what she was talking about. “Besides,”, she added, now with a cheerful smile, “don’t you want to look extra beautiful sometimes?”

” …. I don’t have time for that, I have a war to win.”

Mel sighed. It was time to bring out the big guns. Just like that, her eyes started to well up and she was on the verge of tears. “I-I’m sorry. It’s just that we haven’t seen each other in so long, I just thought it’d be a nice gift. Gosh, I’m so stupid! Can … you at least try it on for me?”

Candace was at a loss for words. Was Mel really crying because of a dress? “Ugh, okay, don’t cry. I’ll put it on really quickly. If I get arrested for this I’m ratting you out.” She took the dress and retreated to change, never seeing Mel’s smirk of victory. She put the dress on, and was amazed at how good she looked. The dress was flattering, and not too revealing. Mel was even right about it being comfortable! She walked out of her bathroom and found Mel holding her phone with a serious look on her face.

“Apparently there are Normbots in my dimension! I’m so sorry, I really need your help!”  Melinda opened a portal and jumped right in, not wanting to give the teenager a chance to reply. Candace was confused, but if Mel was in trouble she’d help her. Cursing herself for trying on the darned dress, she followed the evil girl into the first dimension, hoping Mel was right about the ability to fight in a dress.


Karl arrived at the address given to him. It was a lounge that could be rented out for parties. The place was very elegant, but Karl wasn’t paying attention: he was worried and on duty. “Sir?”

” Erm, not exactly … ” Heinz was near the door, with a sheepish smile on his face. His shoulders raised in a shrug and he said, uncertain: “Gotcha?”

Karl scowled, his anger growing. “Did you trick me into thinking you were the Emperor?”

“I, um … Mel will be here any minute!” Heinz rushed out of the room and locked the door behind him, not wanting to deal with an angry former Head of Torture. Karl heard the key turning and cursed, running to the door. He pulled on it and kicked it, shouting threats at Heinz, but the door wouldn’t budge. Resigned, he crossed his arms. “Why did I leave my weapons at home? I could’ve blown a hole through it!” Just as he was about to try knocking it down again,  another door on the other side of the room opened.  Candace was lightly pushed in, and Mel locked that side too, trapping both of them in there.

Karl’s jaw dropped. “Miss Flynn?”

She turned to face him, raising a surprised eyebrow. “Karl? What are you doing here?”

“Melinda’s husband tricked me. You … you look very pretty, Miss Flynn, but you don’t happen to have your belt with you, do you?”

She shook her head. “No, and I assume you don’t have anything on you either?”, she smirked a bit and added, “and you look good too.”

Karl smirked back at her. “Your assumption is right. What a childish plan, to lock us here together.”

“Mmhm.” Candace frowned; maybe the situation wasn’t as bad as it looked. “But do you remember the first time we … hung out? She ambushed us there too, with Melinda.”

“True, at the Slushy Burger. It … wasn’t a bad day … “  He looked right at her, wondering why his stomach was suddenly turning.

Out of nowhere, some sort of ballad started playing, and Karl groaned. “Is she serious?”

“This is ridiculous!”, Candace growled, frustrated. And then she started thinking of that time they shared a dance in some school gym. “Well Karl, it looks like we’re trapped anyway, and we’re not getting out until she lets us … maybe we should just enjoy it.”

” … You’re not suggesting … “

She walked up to him, resting her hands on his shoulders. He blushed, completely frozen, and she smirked. “Your hands go in my waist, see.”

He narrowed his eyes and grinned, placing his hands where she told him to. “Don’t get so comfortable, Miss Flynn. If I remember correctly I’m the better dancer here.”

She laughed. “In your dreams, Karl. In your dreams.”

In a room above theirs, watching the surveillance cameras, husband and wife high-fived each other for a successful scheme.



“Yes, I know she tried to kill you, Doof. I was there. But you’re the one who said you miss her, and- hold on, someone’s on the other line.”

She pulled the phone away from her ear and pressed the button to pick up the next call. “Hello?”

Aaaand right on cue, it was Melinda.  Since their breakup it felt like high school all over again: they were always calling Mel to vent or ask for advice. Not that she minded, she missed high school and she loved hearing both their sides. But hearing Melinda explain how the assassination attempt had been a one-time thing that had only happened because she snapped, Mel realized something: it was time to interfere.

When she finally hung up the phone, she started to plot. This was a difficult couple: they were both murderous psychopaths with egos bigger than a mansion, and there was a lot of bad history between them. From brutal torture to an assassination attempt, they were at a point where most people would claim the relationship was beyond salvation. But Mel wasn’t ‘most people’, she was the Social Dictator and a master of manipulation. They were both her best friends and they were obviously unhappy without each other; while they were dating, they seemed perfect together! And most importantly, since Mel and Heinz were, in Mel’s opinion, soulmates, she couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe their 2D counterparts were, too, and she feared they were going to lose their soulmates if she let things run their course.  So it had become clear to her: she had to concoct the biggest, baddest, most amazing evil matchmaking scheme she had ever come up with.

After thinking on it for two whole days, Mel was sure of three things: one, Melinda felt too guilty to try and approach Doof again. Two, Doof needed to see Melinda truly cared about him. Three, their weakness was each other’s sexiness. So what was going to make Melinda forget her guilt for a second and prove her feelings to Doof, hopefully earning his forgiveness? The answer was obvious; she couldn’t believe she took so long to figure it out! She needed a  death scare.  The sexiness would just have to be played out naturally, as it usually was with them.

Mel got to work immediately. She found a bag of fake blood in her closet of disguises and dipped her hands on it, splashing a bit on her dress while she did it. “Darn it, another one ruined. This thing doesn’t come out. Ugh.” Slightly annoyed, she then rubbed her eyes hard, to make them redder and puffier, and headed to Melinda’s house in the second dimension.

“Mel?”, Melinda’s eyes widened when she saw her friend. “Are you hurt? What happened?”

Mel took a deep breath before answering, making sure her lips were quavering and her voice was breaking. “I-it’s Doofenshmirtz. The Resistance attacked, and … well, things aren’t looking good. E-Especially so soon after the stabbing, I-I think you might … want to go say goodb-

Before Mel was even done, Melinda was already racing to the streets, ignoring every rule that forbade her from running in the Tri-Doof Area. She was panicking, she couldn’t stand the thought of losing him! He was the love of her life, she needed to save him somehow! Or at least make sure he died knowing she loved him! She ran as fast as her legs could carry her, bursting into DEI with Mel in tow, desperately looking for him …

… and she found a very surprised Doofenshmirtz looking down at her from his throne.  

“Doofenshmirtz!”, she gasped, tears coming to her eyes. “Y-you’re okay? You’re okay! Oh, thank evilness!” Despite her better judgment, she threw her arms around his neck in a tight hug. He scowled and pushed her away. “Of cooourse I’m okay, now you better get out of here, traitor, before I have you doomed!”

Melinda froze and slowly stepped away, too hurt from his comment to yell at Mel for lying to her. Mel decided it was time to interfere. “Doof, wait a second. She, um, she thought you were dying. I may have … led her to think that … but see how worried she was? She rushed here without even thinking of the consequences!”

He blinked, taking sight of the ‘blood’ on Mel. “Is that true, Melinda?”

“Yes. I-I’m sorry … I shouldn’t have come here … but yes. I couldn’t stand the idea of losing you! I love you! Everything I’ve been telling you since the assassination attempt is true, all of it!”

The dictator let out an irritated sigh. “I know, I know. It’s just very hard to truuust you now.”

Melinda nodded. Doofenshmirtz looked so attractive sitting there that it gave her an idea. ” … Well … maybe … you don’t need to trust me just yet.”, she purred, walking towards him and swinging her hips.  ”I didn’t trust you for a long time … but that didn’t stop us from getting together …”. Melinda stopped mere inches away from him, tracing a pattern from his jaw line to his cheek with her finger.

Doofenshmirtz smirked, closing the distance between them. “I can’t argue with that!” As much as he wanted to, how could he resist her? And deep down he was touched she had ran all the way there for him. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her onto the chair with him and kissed her deeply. She was quick to position herself on his lap while eagerly kissing back.

 And Mel knew immediately  that it was time to give them some privacy. Smiling smugly to herself, proud of yet another well done evil matchmaking job, she returned to her dimension.

neocollectables  asked:

Drink Me .....you and Karl if that's alright

Drink Me: I will write a drabble about my character taking shots with yours.


Karl narrowed his eyes when he walked into the seedy bar. The dimly-lit, run-down atmosphere screamed “bad news”, and even though he wasn’t in his own dimension, his defensive instincts kicked in; he closed his fist around the grip frame of his blaster, prepared, if anyone tried anything.

He was surprised Mel had asked to meet her here. This wasn’t the kind of place she would ever go to. He scanned the room and quickly spotted her, sitting at the counter. He walked up, footsteps echoing in the wooden floor, and sat on the stool next to her. “Afternoon, Mrs. Doofenshmirtz.”

“Oh, hey Karl!”, she smiled at him. “I just wanted to give you the updates. He’s almost healed and doing much better now.” Truth be told, she could’ve easily said that on the phone, but she was worried about the kid. The last time they spoke, he seemed nearly depressed, so she had decided it was better to see him in person, to check up on him.

Karl nodded. “Thank you. That’s good.” Although he didn’t show it, he was deeply relieved that his boss was going to be okay. He was about to get up and leave, when he saw a drunk man tripping across the bar. “Mrs Doofenshmirtz, why did you ask me to meet you here?”, he scrunched up his nose with slight disdain.

“I was meeting a potential client here. You know, someone who wants me to acquire something for them. It was a safe place for that, and I figured since I was already here …” She shrugged.

“I see … well, I must be going. Have an evil afternoon, Mrs-“

She cut him off. “Wait! You’re already here, what’s the harm in staying a little longer?” He looked glum, even for his normal standards, and it only increased her worry. Mel motioned to the bartender, batted her eyelashes and purred. “Two pornstars, please.” The man nodded and moved to the back, and Karl’s eyes became wide as golf balls. “What did you just ask for? What kind of movies are they shooting in the back?!?”. He was horrified.

Mel burst out laughing. “No, silly! A pornstar is a shot. It’s a really sweet one, you’ll like it.”

Karl stared. “I … don’t drink. And I thought you didn’t either.”

She shrugged again. “I usually don’t, and under no circumstances do I get drunk. But trust me, you can drink up to three shots and you’ll be fine! It’ll help you loosen up a bit!”

He scowled. “I don’t need to loosen up.” He was also afraid of what he could reveal if he lost his inhibitions. Not so much to Mel herself, but to enemies of the Empire.

The bartender came back and set two shot glasses filled with blue liquid in front of them. Mel gave him her most charming smile and thanked him, and he stumbled back, muttering that it was on the house.

When she looked back at Karl, her green eyes were filled with sadness. “Karl … one of my best friends almost died. You’re not okay either. I know you’re worried about revealing state secrets, but you’re not gonna get drunk. And you’re in my dimension. I’ll keep an eye on you, I won’t let you spill any secrets … I promise. Can’t you have some fun, just this time?”

Karl was surprised. He had no idea she knew about his fears. Why hadn’t she mentioned it before? He eyed the blue drink. It was tempting to forget about his failure for a while. But he couldn’t.

“I … can’t. I really should go.” He started to get up from the stool, when Mel said, smugly. “Right … because last time you learned you can’t hold your liquor. So you’re scared.”

He gritted his teeth and sat back down. “Fine. No more than two shots.”

She smirked and raised her glass. “Cheers!” He clinked his glass on hers, unsure, and poured it down his throat at the same time she did hers. Both slammed their glasses down the counter together. Mel smiled, he coughed, throat burning with the liquid.

“Bartender! Four more, please!”, she beckoned. Three for each was a safe limit.

…. for her. Mel forgot to take into consideration how much of a lightweight Karl was. One shot and he was already a little tipsy, giggling at her.

She snickered. “What’s so funny?”

“Why is the blue drink called a pornstar?”, he laughed. “It makes no sense!”

She laughed, more with him than at the actual ‘joke’. It was nice to see him enjoying himself for once. When the bartender returned with four more shots, Karl took out his wallet and paid for them before Mel had the chance to try and get them for free. They raised their glasses and downed one more shot.

Karl was getting to that point where he became extremely honest. Mel knew she could take advantage of it to ask him about anything, but by now she knew him well enough to figure things out on her own … she didn’t know what to ask. But when his expression went from completely amused to almost devastated in five seconds, she knew.

“What’s bothering you?”

He looked down, into the empty shot glass, words starting to slur. “I failed again. I failed Doofenshmirtz, I failed my sister, I failed my parents … I even failed you when I killed you.”

Mel was really surprised to hear him bring up his sister. She only knew the girl existed because the Carl in the first dimension had a sister, and Mel had no idea if Karl’s was even alive. She watched him take the third shot and did the same, still completely sober. “Karl … Doof is fine, it wasn’t your fault. About your parents, there was nothing anyone could’ve done … and for me, think of it this way. If you hadn’t turned me, we wouldn’t have had vamp blood to give Doof and heal him, and he would’ve died. So … you didn’t fail him, you indirectly saved him!” , she said that last part with as much enthusiasm as she could.

Karl squinted at her; his head was spinning, and he didn’t know if it was because of the drunkenness or her twisted logic. He nodded slowly at her … well, at the two Mels he was now seeing.

Not satisfied that he was still upset, Mel asked. “What’s your full name, again?” Of course she knew the answer to that, but she also knew it was the one thing that made a drunk Karl laugh.

” … Carl Karl!”, he snickered. “My name is Carl Karl! Pfft! Who has a name like that?!”

And he wouldn’t stop laughing. Mel grinned. “Come on Karl, I think you’ve had enough shots. I’ll walk you to my DEI.” It was safer to keep him in her dimension until he sobered up.

He tried to get up and slid off the stool, landing on the floor. Mel laughed and asked if he was okay. He got up, stumbling. The rest of the bar was too drunk to notice his fall.

“Yeah … how … how come you’re drunk not? NOT … drunk?”

“I don’t know, Karl … I guess I’m more resistant than you are.”

“Resistant … I hate the Resistant … Resistince … Resistance! … Expert, no, except for Miss Flynn … she’s so pretty. Have you noticed how pretty she is, Mel?”

Mel laughed and played along. “Yes, she’s very pretty.”

Eventually they arrived at DEI. Mel’s husband greeted Karl with an excited hello, to which Karl replied. “Did you know my name is Carl Karl? Isn’t that the funniest?”, he laughed again.

Heinz mouthed the words ‘drunk?’ at Mel and she nodded; he just chuckled.

Mel was going to lead Karl into the guest room, but as soon as he saw the couch  he threw himself face first into it.

“Ummm … the couch it is. Evil night, Karl.”, she waited for her husband, and they went upstairs, whispering about how their days had been.

A little while after they were gone, Karl was still talking. “Carl Karl … hehehe … what a name …”

And then he passed out. 

itsevilgirl  asked:


Grenade: Write about your character being manipulated by someone of the opposite sex.

(I am so sorry that it’s taken me so long to write this. Manipulation is not my forte. At all. So this drabble is probably going to be really dumb)

He was sorely disappointed in himself.

No, ‘disappointed’ was the wrong word. Furious. He was furious at himself for falling for what had to be the oldest trick in the book.

Stupid stupid emotions.

…though, he had to admit it was quite clever of her. To…trick him like that. To taunt him to come closer to the cell door and then grab his shirt and pull him into a kiss.

He had been…weak. Regrettably weak. All his defenses, his reserved attitude, gone. With just a single verdammt kiss.

While he had been happily enjoying the unexpected sign of affection, she had swiped the key to the door that he’d been stupid enough to keep on his person and pulled out a pair of handcuffs that she apparently kept in one of those compartments on her belt.

She had then proceeded to handcuff him and even laughed a little at his dumbfounded look as she unlocked the cell door and pulled him into the cell as she left.

“Maybe next time won’t end in one of us in a cell.” she had called back to him as she left the cellblock.

Resigned to what he’d have to do to get out of the cuffs, Karl sighed as he dislocated his shoulder and proceeded to rotate his wrist clockwise until the palm was facing upwards. A couple of semi complicated steps later and he was free.

Making a mental note to make sure to remove ALL of her gadgets next time, Karl slipped the cuffs into a pocket and left the cell. Maybe he could melt them down for a potential project. Or return them to her in a similar fashion to how he’d received them.

One thing was for sure, He wouldn’t fall for the same trick twice.