word count: 3.2k genre: angst warnings: cheating, toxic relationship, mentions of depression, graphic depiction of suicide [A/N]: I love Dara. This isn’t meant to slander her or anyone. This scenario is purely fiction!
Time is a one way street that not even the most powerful of mind’s can find an alternate route for. No matter how hard you wish, want, pray for it to change time will always remain as one of the most unyielding obstacles you’ll ever face. It can’t be rewound, altered, or stopped no matter how hard you try. It’s an hourglass that the whole of humanity isn’t strong enough to flip over and start again. In short, it’s one of the most terrifying things man has ever encountered. It dictates everything that happens from the moment you’re born to the moment you die and every minute detail in between, so it’s not right to call you paranoid for being so preoccupied with the concept of time. You have legitimate reasons to be worried.
For one, you’re not getting any younger. Even if your reflection assures you you’re far from looking old enough for people to mistake you as someone’s mother the little details are made obvious the harder you look. Maybe it’s your eyes forcing you to see things that aren’t there with the way you’re always so subconsciously worried about your looks. Maybe it’s the fact that no one knows your face better than you. The most plausible excuse, though, is that you’re constantly trying to keep up with your wife’s eternally enchanting beauty.
It’s no secret that Park Sandara was YG Entertainment’s jewel from the moment she signed on. She excelled as an actress, a model, an idol from the very start with just her gorgeous face as a basis. Though YG claims to promote groups that value quality in music over the beauty of their members it’s quite obvious that having a pretty face didn’t hurt in terms of being a rookie idol. Dara was named 2NE1’s visual from the gate and that title was never in question. It wasn’t so much that Bom, Min Ji, and Chae Rin were ugly, more so that Dara was just the prettiest of all of them. That in itself was obviously subjective, but with so many people saying the same thing it becomes the truth.
This fact isn’t lost on you whenever people make an attempt at scandalizing your relationship with Dara. From the start that had always been everyone’s goal; to tear you down to a point where you’d leave on your own accord, and for a time, you did. There was only so much abuse you could withstand without a few of the more toxic words slipping through the cracks. Even the things you knew to be false were brought into question. Why was Dara, such a famous and beautiful idol, giving you the time of day? The truth was the two of you had met completely by chance. If one thing or another had gone even the slightest bit differently you would’ve loved out your entire life without ever knowing Sandara through anything other than a screen. Time had dictated that the two of you would meet and so it was.
At the time you’d been working as a law firm secretary. The job hadn’t required you to know much about the law going into it, but you had picked up things along the way. Your law firm wasn’t very noteworthy outside the fact that the lawyer you worked under had shown up on the news quite a few time after getting picked up for a case that is now seen as iconic enough to make TV dramas about. Your likeness is always played by someone who resembles you in the most minute ways. The color of her hair, the shape of her body, but always much prettier than you had been during the time of the case. You would know since there are old newscasts with you lingering in the background as well as that single tabloid about Dara that had cropped up the day after your meeting.
She had been ordering food at the same restaurant you’d been eating lunch at for the duration of the case. Of course, she requested a private room to avoid fans just as you’d asked for one to avoid reporters, yet the only room left that day had been the one your boss had reserved. It was big enough to house a party of twenty, so your meager five people wasn’t putting a dent in the space. Dara had politely asked to join you and kept to herself until you were leaving. It wasn’t a big deal, the way she asked you out, if anything it was as low profile as possible. She just asked if you wanted to meet up there next week and handed you a napkin with her number on it. How she knew you weren’t a lunatic Blackjack is still unknown, but it was obviously a chance she was willing to take since you’d met under such uncommon circumstances.
Obviously you allowed her to court you as she saw fit and eventually ask you out officially. YG hadn’t been against the notion of your relationship being made public, Dara had been the one to worry over the backlash. At first you’d thought it was because she was embarrassed over how mundane your life and your look were, but after just hours of going public you realized she was trying to protect you. It’s amazing that you made it as far as you did with a hundred people suggesting that you kill yourself before you woke up every morning. They hadn’t really bothered you anyway. You were more worried about the people who said Dara would be better off with someone else. Namely, G Dragon. The fans that preferred Daragon over you were scarier than people who would rather you be dead than Dara date anyone. They had no sense of respect or morality, even to your face. It was easy to brush off people that hated you over the Internet, but in real life it had been much scarier.
Your first encounter with an anti-fan had been just as random as your first meeting with Dara. They’d recognized you as you were going to work. There were a few insults throw at you before you got in the building that you had gotten over by the end of the day, but by then there was a swarm of antis crowded around the front entrance to the building your law firm was housed in. Security snuck you through the back exit and you resigned the next day. It’s amazing that you never thought to use the law against them since you worked so closely with lawyers, attorneys, and the likes. You had simply learned to live with it which proved to be detrimental to your mental state of being until after a year you called it quits.
Sandara had been less than pleased with your decision. She argued with you for days on end before giving up and allowing you to leave. Her excuses ranged from love conquers all to she had to deal with the hate just as much as you did. You’re still not sure to this day that she was truly looking at it from your perspective. She intentionally signed up to be ridiculed by millions while you were just getting dragged along for the ride. It wasn’t fair of her to assume that you could withstand the same amount of hate as her and still be unwavering mentally. Dara didn’t understand that you weren’t the same as her, but she was sure she understood you. So much so that she didn’t tell anyone of your break up, opting instead to use 2NE1’s busy schedule and world tour to her advantage. She was completely convinced that you’d return to her after being apart for a few months, and she’d been right.
Why you returned to Dara wasn’t clear. You love her, yes, but relationships are built on more than just love. Being with her obviously wasn’t very healthy for you, but something had made you rethink it. It was probably the same reason you’re stuck in a reminiscent mood now. You realize it doesn’t get better than what Dara can give you. It’s been made obvious time and time again that Park Sandara is an ethereal being that transcends the standard of beauty known to man and she settled for you. It would be impossible for Dara to date anyone without someone saying she can do way better, and it’s the truth. Dara could’ve ended up with G Dragon, but she waited for you instead. You’re too old to be messing with people’s emotions like an immature teenager, so return to her you did. It didn’t take long for the two of you to get married shortly after. To the public you’d been dating without conflict for a few years, you’re breakup didn’t exist outside of the two of you, so no one questioned why the two of you jumped into marriage in such a short amount of time. Good thing, too, because Dara never gave you a straight answer for why she suddenly proposed after a few months back together. You’d always assumed it was because she didn’t want you to leave again.
Now you’ve run into a new wall that will either halt your marriage or yield so the two of you can continue on until death do you part. Usually your fights are about who’s turn it is to do the dishes or the laundry. Dara always insists she’ll do it later or it isn’t her turn and you end up doing it yourself even though you’re well aware even a pop star can figure out how a dishwasher works. But this is something completely different. If Dara won’t work with you on this it’ll be the end, and this time you won’t come back. You’ve had your time to think this through with how long Sandara has been away in the Philippines doing promotions for her new movie. Now all you need is her approval which sounds odd since you’re a grown woman, but this decision involves both of you.
“Dara, let’s have a baby.” You say gently. You hadn’t tried to butter her up before broaching the question. You hadn’t made her favorite foods or spent the entire day raving about how amazing she is. Instead you’d ordered takeout and tried to glide your request in between choosing the next movie to watch. Dara sets her food on the coffee table before turning to look at you. Her beautiful face is surprisingly stoic and your heart drops through the floor.
“No.” Her voice is resolute as she says that single word. It’s the tone that finalizes every decision in your house, but this time you refuse to waver.
“Why? We’ve been married for years. Plus, I told you I wanted kids before we got married.”
“I’m not letting you get pregnant with someone else’s kid. What’s mine should be mine alone, and your body belongs to me.” You blink. Dara has said some weird things to you over the years, but this has to be the most degrading. Your body is yours. What happens to it should be solely your decision. The only reason you’re asking for her approval on the matter is because this baby would be yours and hers, to love and protect. You could get pregnant on your own but who’s to say Dara would stick around for it. Apparently, she wouldn’t, but her reasoning is skewed.
“If you don’t want me getting pregnant,” You try again, “You could.”
“No. I can’t drop everything to have a baby, [Name], that’s not how this career works.”
“What do you mean? You’re one of the most famous people in Korea and the Philippines! You can easily taken a year or two off.” Dara rolls her eyes like this argument is more bothersome than important to her.
“Do you know how many new actresses, singers, and models are debuting in Korea alone everyday? In a year one of them could shoot straight to the top, then where will I be?”
“Home?” You suggest, “With me and our baby? It would give you a break from all your harsh schedules.”
“I can’t take a break. That’s what I’m trying to tell you!” By now Dara has gotten off the couch to start pacing across the living room, food and movies completely forgotten. “I can’t sacrifice my career for you! Especially not when I’m the only one with a job!”
“Did you forget I did that for you? I enjoyed my job even if it wasn’t some super famous idol job, and I quit. For you! I’ve given up everything for you!” Tears are welling up in your eyes as all the stalls in your relationship come to light after you’ve ignored them for so long. You rarely leave the house for fear of some anti-fan or a diehard fan attacking you. Antis will hunt you down with intentions to hurt you, but the diehard fans don’t even realize what they’re doing is wrong. Sandara may be able to live like this, but you can’t. Now it’s all falling apart before your eyes.
“Don’t try to play the victim here, baby. You agreed to date me, you said yes to my proposal. If anything, you brought this on yourself!”
“I did that because I love you!”
“Well, since we’re on the subject of love, I work because I love my job. If you really love me you wouldn’t try to make me sacrifice something I love just to make you happy.” She says smugly. The look on her face spells it all out. Dara knows she’s backed you into a corner. You won’t try to argue anymore. And as always, she right.
“I’m sorry,” The words have been said over and over after every fight. You concede, tell Dara you were wrong, and continue living in your happy fantasy world where nothing can go wrong. You’re married to Park Sandara. There’s nothing better in the world. Any problem that arises is your fault when you’re married to perfection.
“It’s okay, baby.” She replies easily, kissing your forehead like she always does, “Let’s just go to bed.” And as always, you follow her lead. Through the night sleep evades you like smoke diffusing into air. Your mind replays your life since you met Dara on a melancholy loop and you realize just how bad it’s gotten. Everything you once found enjoyable has lost your interest. There’s no passion left in your life. Now it’s all mechanical repetition. Except, for once, you’re awake when Dara rises from bed. She takes her phone as leaves the room. You expect to hear the shower turn on or the toilet flush, but instead you hear voices. One is Dara’s the other is a woman’s you don’t recognize. Their words are muffled until you slide out of bed to eavesdrop on what could be so important at 5:30 in the morning.
It only takes a moment for your heart and mind to shatter.
“–asked to have a kid.” You hear Dara scoff. It’s obvious you were the subject they’d been discussing.
“What did you say?” The mystery woman asks. She speaks in slightly accented English, just as Dara is. You guess she’s a friend from the Philippines. Her voice is tight with worry.
“I told her no. Of course I did. I can’t take care of you three, and this girl, plus another baby.” Dara assures her. She’s sitting on the couch. From your place on the stairs you can just barely see her face. She looks annoyed by the topic. Your prick burn with unshed tears. What did she mean by another? And you three? Dara isn’t home a lot, but did she have enough time to start a new family in a new country?
“Why don’t you just leave her, then? If you marry me no one needs to know we were together before you divorced What’s-Her-Name.” You can feel the thread of your mind slowly unraveling, but your body is frozen in place. Stuck listening to your worst nightmares becoming reality.
“Her name is [Name].” Dara butts in.
“Oh, who cares? Just leave her, so we can be a real family.”
“I’ll figure something out.” Dara says evasively, “And anyway, I have to get ready for work. I’ll call you later.”
“Bye. I love you.” The woman says cheerfully. You can almost hear the love struck look on her face. A smile graces Dara’s lips as she says,
“I love you, too.”
You clamber back up the stairs to hide your anguish under the covers until Sandara is about to leave.
“I’ll be home late today, so don’t wait up.” She informs you. You tug the blanket down so you can look at her. She looks as beautiful as the day you met her and your heart aches longingly.
“Alright,” This is your last chance to save yourself from falling into despair. There’s an endless pit of darkness behind you, but three little words from Dara are enough to save you. “I love you.” She looks at you with a rueful smile.
“Go back to sleep, darling.” And then she’s gone. You know now what you hadn’t before. You were the wall in her way. Had you noticed before it could’ve saved you this embarrassing heartbreak, but now it’s too late. You can’t disgrace Dara by allowing her to divorce you. It would have too much backlash. The only thing you can do now is disappear forever. Your life has lost all meaning even though your name means a lot of things to a lot of people. You can’t bear the burden any longer. You hum happily as you fill the tub up with water and write a note to Dara. You contemplate what to take out of the medicine cabinet and settle on a razor. The melodious humming doesn’t stop until the water turns red.
Dara knows what she’s doing is wrong. It was only a one time thing that ended up meaning so much more to the poor girl. Sandara didn’t have the heart to break anyone’s heart. And so, she dragged to girls along until one string was cut. Dara gave up on her secret life in the Philippines. The children had been there long before Dara had. She could give up those sweet smiles that didn’t belong to her and go back to her wife. She knew she had treated [Name] wrong over the years and only hoped she could beg for a second chance. She’d gotten to live out her fantasy. Now it’s time for her to confess to her crimes. Except she couldn’t. When Dara arrived home, earlier than she had said with a dozen roses in tow the bedroom floor was soaked. The wood and rug was covered in pink tinged water.
Dara calls for her wife. Maybe there was a problem with the plumbing. That would be annoying, but not impossible to fix. She sets the roses on the bed and walks into the bathroom. An anguished scream echoes through the house as Sandara watches the clear water turn red with her loves blood. The universe hadn’t wanted Dara to be happy. This was her punishment for stepping all over her wife’s heart. The note clutched in her hand is damp with blood and water, the ink smudged but legible. Three words glare up at Dara as she sobs over her wife’s body.
You think you are so lucky meeting your bias in a concert? You think you are lucky holding his hand on a showcase?
Meet ultimate fanboy P.O. freaking the hell out because he gets to live with his bias, Sandara, in the same house for a few days.
He is all of us.
Thank you for the wonderful seven years of love, friendship and happiness
Thank you for the beautiful memories
Thank you for loving us Blackjacks
Thank you for the amazing era of music
Thank you for teaching us valuable lessons through your music
Thank you for never changing
Thank you for being 2NE1
You were my very first girl group and will always be my favourite. I will always cherish those days where I would sit in front of my computer and watch 2NE1 TV, where I laughed and cried together with you. I will cherish those performances that never failed to amaze me. And I will always support you in everything you do.
I will never forget the beautiful memories we have made over the past seven years.
Once a Blackjack, Always a Blackjack
You will live on through our memories and you will always be in our hearts ♥