2015 IN REVIEW
Start weight: 94.8 kilograms / 209 pounds
Current weight: 77 kilograms / 169.8 pounds
Loss so far: 17.8 kilograms / 39.2 pounds
Start: 40 inches
Current: 34.5 inches
Loss so far: 5.5 inches
Start: 35 inches
Current: 28 inches
Loss so far: 7 inches
Start: 48 inches
Current: 42 inches
Loss so far: 6 inches
Start: 30 inches
Current: 25 inches
Loss so far: 5 inches
When I was 21 years old I made the decision to start loving myself unconditionally.
For the most part that venture was successful. During the next three years I had higher self esteem than in any other point of my life. The only problem was that by loving myself unconditionally I became stubborn in my refusal to address deep-seated psychological issues that I became hell bent in believing were part of who I was. They weren’t.
I am not defined by my disordered eating. Binge eating for comfort, to protect myself from my own self-perfectionism, to hide myself from my problems with anxiety and worry. These are things that are not inherent character traits. These are not parts of myself that I need to love.
Just like any other medical condition, these were things that I needed to remedy.
2015 was psychologically one of the most challenging years of my life. The amount of loss and change that I experienced was paramount, and therefore so was my binging. It happened in cycles. Something bad would happen, a shift in my life occurred and suddenly I’d be finding solace in junk food.
Towards the end of 2015 I decided enough was enough. My health was suffering - I got a blood clot in my left leg (in my superficial veins, thank god) and I was beginning to realise how the binging was impacting my mental health as well. I was becoming unable to talk about my problems, which ended up impacting a lot of different aspects of my life.
The relationship people have with their body and with food is incredibly complicated. Mine is no exception, I feel at times that I’m doing the wrong thing by losing weight, as if it’s doing a disservice to the last four years of loving myself. But ultimately I can feel the positive effect that it’s having on both my body and my soul.
2015 was a fucking hard year. But I feel that the pain and suffering that I went through was a stark catalyst to make changes that would better my self-love journey. 2016 is going to my selfish year, the year where I kick ass and put into actuality the theories and ideology about self-love that I’ve preached and not practiced for so long.