Yesterday when I was at work I had the growing feeling that I was going to crumple in on myself. I felt so weak my fingertips were buzzing and I felt high on anxiety, bordering on delirium.
I kept imagining myself screaming out, dropping all of the books in my arms, and collapsing onto the floor - my chin to my chest as my hair obscured the tears streaming down my face, my arms hugging my waist as if to hold myself (and everything) together, and my legs folded underneath me as if they could bury into the carpet and anchor me into the Earth. But that didn’t happen.
In my head I kept repeating to myself stay strong stay strong stay strong - just for a few moments longer. The voice thinned and wavered into nothingness as the moon rose higher and the night wore on. It took more and more effort to tweak my lips into a smile as I passed by colleagues and customers when all I wanted to do was cry.
And honestly, Universe, I don’t know how much longer I can stay like this.