Hokkaido Forest Zen…

i. i think i’ve kissed too many people, but also not enough;
ii. whatever i’m searching for i still haven’t found.
iii. have you ever danced a bottle of wine out of your bloodstream?
iv. i might have… but see, i don’t remember.
v. i stopped watching movies, turns out i can’t handle seeing my fears on screen.
vi. i stopped kissing a boy, turns out i can't handle hearing my fears spoken to me.
vii. have you ever danced a lifetime of love out of your mind?
viii. i haven’t.
ix. there is a tree on top of a hill in a park on the edge of the city that never sleeps. i fell asleep there once. i woke up in another life.
x. this life of mine, sometimes it feels like a lie.
xi. sometimes the realest thing about me is the tear-tracks on my cheeks.
xii. i told a boy i was nothing but trouble and he believed it. i thought he liked trouble. turns out he didn’t.
xiii. i burned too many bridges. do you think they can rise up from the ash like a phoenix?
xiv. for a heart to heal it would have to stand still.
xv. i am my own woman, but i am also their daughter, and his girl. i can be all.
xvi. i can’t be everything. i am too real to live up to fantasies.
xvii. my skin is imperfect, but i’ve stopped punishing it for it.
xviii. my laughter is the most perfect thing about me. one day i will laugh myself to sleep.
xix. i was once broken - i healed. i was once lost - i am still looking for pieces. compromise should not feel like death of your self.
xx. i swear to god i am getting frown lines. i need smile-lines to match.
xxi. i think that maybe i’ll never grow up beyond sylvia plath. i think that maybe i will forever be fighting my way from under the bell jar.
xxii. sometimes i hug myself and it feels like love - the way my own arms engulf my shoulders.
xxiii. i find joy in my survival. i think that maybe that’s what life is about.
—  marina v., i wrote myself a birthday poem.