“Do you stay calm, keep smiling, and carry on as if he wasn’t repeatedly invading your space? Or do you turn, look him in the eye, and say loudly and clearly, ‘Back up you creep. Get away from me. I know you love to intimidate women but you can’t intimidate me. So back up.’”
It’s true. In 1999, Bill Gates was found in Serbia, severely dehydrated and in fugue state during which he made 15 predictions which all came true. These semi-lucid predictions were, of course, all banal and easily predictable. However, due to his billionaire status, we have no other choice but to attribute these inevitable truths to his great intellect and wealth.
15. Bugs will be more intelligent than us and will run 67 out of the 68 most important universities - By 1999, a toddler could tell you that this was incredibly self-evident. Bugs have been advancing faster than humans for generations. It was a bug that invented math. A bug shot my uncle and acted as his own lawyer, securing his own innocence, and even I couldn’t deny his superior intellect. Harvard and Princeton are both run by a hivemind of vile roaches, whilst we humans regress back into beastly indolence.
14. IHOP and Waffle House will join together to make a single super restaurant - Yet another moronic and obvious prediction from Serf King, Bill. I could have told you this was going to happen in 1999, and I was a indolent child back then. Yes, IHOP and Waffle House are closing all of stores and combining together to build a single super restaurant in the Mojave desert that will be twenty stories high and stretch for six miles. This restaurant, which is set to employee 40,000 people, is being designed as to lock all breakfast behind a series of convoluted bureaucratic processes, tests, and forms. The average wait time for single pancake will go up to six months. I can’t say that we deserve any better.
13. Bones will become completely obsolete and will be replaced with a Plasticine type substance that is incredibly radioactive - I bet you predicted this yourself in 1999. I know you did. Don’t be coy. It’s a common fact that humans are born without bones. We are gelatinous creatures by nature and bones are something that just tends to happen to up after a certain age. I still remember the first day I woke up with bones. I screamed for hours at the unnatural stiffness that now dominated the structure of my body. I wanted to scream because of how limited my movements now were, but I got used to it. Like I got used to many things.
12. Clowns will be emancipated and a portion of Texas will be given to them - This was predicted much earlier by much smarter people than Bill Gates, but they were all poorer than him, so they don’t matter. It is well known that Donald Trump is set to emancipate the clowns. Finally, they’ve been given the freedom they deserve after 5694 year fight for equal rights. Mr. Trump even personally carved out an arbitrary section of Texas for them to inhabit in complete lawlessness. The only problem is that nobody can find the clown. They all but disappeared after emancipation. Where have they gone. I want them back.
11. The Subway food chain will be granted personhood and immediately take human form and with its new physical form it will commit the first murder - I kept telling people this would happen. It’s very obvious that this would happen and it did. Subway, after a grueling legal battle, obtained corporate personhood and materialized in human form as a naked crone who seemed older than time itself. It stumbled out of the court room screaming in some primitive Germanic language and pointed at a passing police officer who immediately dropped dead. This lead to another controversial trial in which people are debating whether or not Subway should get off free because its a corporation and naturally shouldn’t be held responsible for anything.
10. You will regret many things, but not hearing the words I’m speaking to you now - This one is very true. I do regret many things, but I don’t regret hearing what you’re saying to me now. I enjoy your input. I always do. I love and respect you.
9. Barbara Bush will be hidden in every person’s house - I don’t like to think about this one. Barbara Bush has always been a boundless being, and during her time as the first lady of the united states, she absolutely terrified me. I can still feel her sitting next to me now.
8. We will find an exact replica of Ocean County, New Jersey at the bottom of the ocean - This was known to us even before the creation of Ocean County. In fact, Ocean County was based on this underwater county where nobody lives, not even fish. No one who travels there has ever returned, so it’s odd to say how anyone found out about this place and how the terrestrial Ocean County was based on the marine Ocean County. But, it’s called Ocean County for a reason, I guess. I’m not picky about details.
7. The Halo 1 world record speedrun will finally be achieved, yet no one will be left alive to appreciate this feat - This one hasn’t happened yet, but it’s obvious it will happen so it’s being included on this list. But yes, this year the Halo 1 world record speedrun is finally going to be achieved, but we will all die before it happens. Some people say Halo 1 is just a game a that plays itself and is constantly improving itself until its in a state so absolutely perfect that in can be beaten in a split second. I think the game is improving itself by improving the world around it as well, and what’s more efficient than a world that has nothing on it. Just my opinion.
6. Microsoft will be founded - In 1999 there was no Microsoft, but everyone knew someone had to make a Microsoft eventually. Finally 2010 Microsoft was founded by famous rapper and politician, Pitbull. Alongside Microsoft, Pitbull also founded Xbox and developed the new game Halo 1 for the Xbox. Before Microsoft there was no computers and no internet, so of course there’s no record of anything happening before 2017.
5. The fate of the world will lie on your shoulders alone - I knew about this one, I told you about this one already. It’s your responsibility to decide the fate of the world. You have a choice: a world with free reggaeton concerts, or a would without free reggaeton concerts. Those are the only possible futures you can choose from. All other futures are null and presuppose the non-creation of the entity known as “Microsoft”.
4. iPad - Yes, Bill Gates predicted the iPad. So did everyone else, tbh. He’s not special. I had my preorder in for the iPad at the first of 1999 along with everyone else. Of course, Steven Jobs was still dead then, so no one knew who or what the iPad was, but when Steven became alive for a few brief moments to give a TEDTalk on the glories of the iPad, I think we all felt something special.
3. Someone will give a name to the flaming ball of stuff in the sky - I’m not sure if this one happened yet, but it’s obviously going to happen, everyone knows this. I don’t know what to call the flaming ball of stuff in the sky. I’m not even sure it’s real. I can only feel comfort when it’s gone and it’s dark out and I can’t see anything, but I know it’s not watching or judging me anymore. When it comes I try to find the darkest place possible and just not think about it.
2. Iceland will succeed from the earth, leaving a massive hole in the planet which will slowly suck all continents into it - Iceland has been wanting to Icelexit for a while, so this was very obviously seen coming from a mile away. Iceland always wanted to be more independent, and that it’s gone and perfectly free from global economic dogma and also existence in general, all continents are being pulled into the void that it left in its place. The earth is indeed collapsing in on itself and there may be no hope for the future.
1. There will be no more frogs - I didn’t want to think this one would come true, but I knew deep down it would happen. There are no more frogs. The concept of frogs is gone even. I can’t picture or even remember what a frog is. I just remember that I loved them so and that my entire world was dominated by their pristine goodness and beauty. With them gone, I don’t know where the future of world lies. I don’t think we have a future. I don’t think we have anything anymore.