20 more minutes but who cares

“Every time I hear that somebody ‘deserves’ a title I want to put my fist through the screen and my fingers down my throat. I don’t care if Zack Ryder’s been a jobber for 5 years, or if Naomi has been around longer than the 4HW. They don’t get paid with title runs, they get paid with money. Titles should be held by the top (See: Most Talented, Most Charismatic, Biggest Draw) wrestlers in each division, not just whoever has been around the longest. If you think somebody is actually the best, then sure, say they deserve the title, but stop going to bat for everybody who’s been on the roster for more than 20 minutes and claiming that they ‘deserve’ it.”

In which I UWU (some more) because of Dean’s character development

I couldn’t sleep yesterday night. I was awake in my bed for about 45 minutes or so, got annoyed, so I did a terrible, terrible thing: I rewatched 2.20, What Is And What Never Should Be.

In the episode, Dean is taken by a djinn that thrusts him into his dream world. That world may not be perfect, but Dean wants it so much the whole emotional climax of the episode revolves around him choosing between his happiness in that world, or the people he saves everyday getting to live - as in his dream world, he was never a hunter and therefore he never saves all those lives. In the end, he chooses to go back at the cost of ending up broken-hearted. He tells real!Sam that even though it was just a fantasy, he wanted to stay – the same thing dream!Mary had told him a few scenes prior to try and convince him: “It’s everything you want”. Dean never discredits that statement.

Which is all well and good, until you realize in hindsight that Dean’s ‘best of all possible worlds’ looks something like this: first of all, he has something that he truly could never have back, i.e. his mom as he remembers her.

And then there’s things he could have, maybe, if he wanted and with enough luck: his brother happy and a civilian life package complete with partner.

Suburban life is exactly the kind of life that he experiences for real with Lisa some years later and ends up not working for him, not being something he could be truly happy with. Eventually (after his future story with Lisa and Ben), Dean seemes to make peace with the fact that it was more an internalized desire that didn’t truly suit him, something he had glorified accepting the notion that that kind of life should be ideal for most people but forgetting he’s not, and will never be, 'most people’.

The rest is as follows:
Sam is studying at Stanford and engaged to Jess or, in other words, Sam has everything Dean is convinced Sam wants. However, he doesn’t have much of what Dean wants: Dean and Sam don’t really talk, as per Sam’s words, they have 'nothing in common’ – though to be fair, Dean is convinced with some time he could fix the strained relationship.

Dean has at least two occasions where you’d expect him to hug Sam before Sam informs him they are not that close, i.e. when he first sees him, after he’s hugged Jessica, and later when Sam and Jess announce they’re engaged. He doesn’t in either case; in fact, he will never hug his brother for the duration of the dream.

Dean is still implied to be an alcoholic – or at least to be prone to exaggerating with alcohol more than once in a while – and in the dream, Sam doesn’t believe in him. Whenever he does something suspicious, the first thing people ask (Sam, Mary) is if he’s been drinking, like they know. When Sam catches him with Mary’s silverware in Mary’s house at night, he just knows Dean’s stealing from his own mother, although the viewers are aware Dean’s actually looking for silver weapons and has a noble cause to justify his actions. The people close to Dean may still care for him at the end of the day, but they have little faith in him, apparently due to the fact that the only way Dean could imagine himself in his own fantasy was as a recidivous, unreliable jerk.

The only person who seems to be completely on his side is Carmen, Dean’s partner. Now, Carmen is a beautiful, 'respectable’ (Dean’s words, not without sarcasm) nondescript lady. She knows Dean loves burgers, what his favorite brand of beer is, and she offers generic, equally nondescript support to Dean’s cause of strenghtening his relationship with Sam. She’s still been beautiful and she still hasn’t uttered a single bad word towards Dean so far, which makes him wonder out loud 'how he got so lucky’. “You’ve got low standards”, is her reply, and boy is she right. In fact, remembering what Dean likes to eat and being minimally decent prompts Dean to declare he now understands “why [she’s] the one”. But really, she is no-one. She doesn’t know Dean Winchester and therefore she doesn’t love him. Perhaps she may have a hint of something to give dream!Dean, but she has nothing to give to the real one that he craves, beyond a blurred image of what he’s been taught to want.

And yet Dean really, really wants to stay in that dream world because to him, it’s so good. It’s patent, in the episode, that these desires feel real and important to Dean in that moment. That dream is the entire reach of his imagination, what he comes up with when you give him the chance to go wild and overboard.

Eight years later, his universe has gotten so much bigger. He has a home that is not an impersonal suburban house his fake self would be content with, but a place that he, Dean Winchester, feels an intimate, personal warmth for. He likes hugging and he’s fighting to find a balance in the relationship with Sam, starting to understand that it’s possible without magically erasing their past and present as hunters or their troubled biographies. He’s slowly but surely learning to stop allowing what he thinks Sam wants, and what he’s been told he should want (and doesn’t) to be the only desires he can have, and to listen to his own, actual desires instead. He’s realizing maybe they are valid and deserve living for. He’s starting to realize he wants the lasting companionship of someone who truly knows him, who loves him for who he is, someone Dean shares a deep connection with and loves with all his heart, for who that person is. Most of all, he’s starting to believe there might be ways to be happy without giving up himself, all he is, to be another - if only he opens up to such ways.

In other words, Dean moved on from what in the kind of supernaturally-connoted life he lives is the remotely possible – an alternative fake world where things are good by virtue of the fact he was never a hunter, and was raised to be content with a conventional, normative life – to what in the kind of traumatic life he’s lived so far would seem like the absolute impossible: happiness despite the hardships he’s gone through, despite his battles with mental illness, with them as part of the miriad defining parts of his existence, and brought by whatever it is he personally wants, even if that’s outside of conventionality or of any semblance of hegemonic normalcy.

  • <p> <b>what she says:</b> I'm fine<p/><b>what she means:</b> He's a very smart Prince, he's a Prince who prepares. Knowing this time I'd run from him, he spread pitch on the stairs. And I'm caught unawares. Well it means that he cares— This is more than just malice. Better stop and take stock while you're standing here stuck on the steps of the palace. All right, what do you want?Have to make a decision. Why not stay and be caught? Should I give that a thought, what would be his response? But then what if he knew who I am when I know, that I'm not what he thinks that he wants? Or, then, what if I am, what a Prince would envision? But then how can you know who you are till you know what you want, which I don't? So then which do you pick- Where you're safe, out of sight, and yourself, but where everything's wrong? Or where everything's right, but you know that you'll never belong? And whichever you pick, do it quick, 'cause you're starting to stick to the steps of the palace. It's my first big decision, the choice isn't easy to make. To arrive at a ball is exciting and all, once you're there, though, it's scary. And it's fun to deceive when you know you can leave, but you have to be wary. There's a lot that's at stake, but I've stalled long enough, 'cause I'm still standing stuck in the stuff on these steps. Better run along home and avoid the collision. Though at home they don't care, I'll be better off there, where there's nothing to choose, so there's nothing to lose. So I'll pry up my shoes. Wait, though, thinking it through, things don't have to collide, I know what my decision is.. which is not to decide. I'll just leave him a clue, for example, a shoe. And then see what he'll do. Now it's he and not you, who'll be stuck with a shoe, in a stew, in the goo, and I've learned something, too, something I never knew, on the steps of the palace.<p/></p>

some things that just might make it worth it:

  • it takes like 20 minutes to make a huge yummy bowl of pasta and there are so many things you can put on it
  • pictures of jellyfish in tanks with colored light
  • your friends probably care about you a lot more than you think but either way you will meet other cool people who are even warmer and kinder if you give it some time
  • no matter where you are right now there are probably some cool stores and places to walk or take pictures or have a picnic, maybe you don’t go to these places cause it seems like they’re just for old people or something but check them out
  • you can follow those cool girls on instagram and get to see all their adventures and accomplishments even if you never meet them… you can message said girls to ask what lipstick they’re wearing in their selfies or what their dog’s names are or you can just admire and gather inspiration quietly
  • there are lots of stores where you can get cute socks with sushi or penguins or something on them for like $3
  • if you go for a walk you might see little kids learning to ride bikes or dogs being walked or you might find a really round stone or a five dollar bill on the sidewalk
  • there is so much good music you will discover in the future, i bet you can’t even begin to imagine the notes and chords and lyrics right now but someday it will be the soundtrack to a long, cleansing cry or maybe a good night sitting around with friends
  • sometimes the color of the sky can make you feel like you are under a big, soft blanket and when you come out, everything will be alright

I’ve never been “in love” in the romantic sense of the term but I live a life of love. Love is knowing that you will never be alone, in the good times and in the bad. Love is friends that tell you they will always love you more. It is parents who only ever want you to do your best and nothing less. Love is your little sister who hugs you every time you come home because she missed you in the 20 minutes that you were gone. Love is driving home from work and seeing the sunset on the river and appreciating it even more than you did the night before. It is treating yourself with the same care and respect that you give to others. Love is smiling at strangers and having your day get just a little bit better when they smile back. It is hearing things like “thank you” or “how was your day?” and knowing that people care. Love is not always about having a significant other, it is about finding the things that make you enjoy your life a little bit more everyday.

actual wintour setlist (leaked and proven 100% real)

uma thurman 37x
centuries 10x
like ½ 20 dollar nose bleed
¼ what a catch donnie
grand theft autumn (brendon urie remix) (aka brendon just going whERE IS YOUR BOY TONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT 50 times)
alone together
my songs know what u did in the dark bc we’re all sinners here
uma thurman one more time
special appearence wiz khaliefa who nobody cares about
and pete wentz screaming for 30 minutes