2.16: war

  • drone makers: hey yall ... we could use these bad boys to save lives
  • drone makers: drones could revolutionize the way we distribute goods, food deserts could be no more
  • drone makers: we could make leaps and bounds on environmental research
  • drone makers: theres just so much we can do with them to improve the world for all
  • The United States Government: okay, or we could only give research grants to the drones that do the opposite of all that
  • The United States Government: how about we instead use them to kill shitloads of people and cut funding to all that helpful nonsense

Powerful: Pringles Has Unveiled A Line Of Damp Chips That Won’t Crunch Loud Enough To Ruin A Moment Of Silence For Our Fallen Soldiers

If you’re looking for a company that really cares about the troops, look no further than Pringles.

Few people deserve more respect and adoration than the heroes who willingly sacrifice their lives to protect America’s freedom, and no one knows that better than Pringles, which is stepping up for the troops in a big way: The snack-manufacturing powerhouse just introduced a new line of damp chips that won’t crunch loud enough to ruin a moment of silence for our fallen soldiers.

Wow. What a powerful way to help customers show respect for the troops!

According to Pringles executives, the new line of chips will come in the same essential flavors customers have come to love, but will be presoaked inside the Pringles tube, making the chips just damp enough to replace any crunching sounds that would disrupt a somber rendition of “Taps” with a gentle, muffled sloshing. Through extensive testing, these mushier chips have been shown to be so quiet that, when eaten, it is virtually impossible to make enough noise to ruin a moment of silence for a fallen soldier.

With the new product, which they’re calling Patriot’s Discretion Pringles, customers will now be able to pull out a few wet chips, place the damp snack onto their tongues or pack it into their cheeks, and let their favorite flavors melt into their mouths, all without the fear of bringing a hero’s memorial to a screeching halt with a single, booming bite.

Patriotism FTW!

“Everyone wishes they could be eating chips when they’re at a service commemorating a fallen solider, but up until now, it’s just been way too loud,” said Pringles CEO Michael A. Powell at an event unrolling their newest product. “Before, the best you could do was settle for something quiet like mints or gum, but those bland, flavorless days of quiet respect are now a thing of the past.”

“We at Pringles know how important it is to remember those who have sacrificed their lives to protect the American way,” he added. “And now, with our line of damp Patriot’s Discretion Pringles, there is finally a way to do it without sacrificing your hunger.”

Amazing. It looks like Pringles is a company that isn’t about to let customers ruin a moment of silence, but isn’t about to let them go hungry either. Whether you’re at a veteran’s funeral, halftime at a local high school football game, or even the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the days of having to choose between tossing back a couple Pringles or paying tribute to a fallen service member seem to be over. Here’s to hoping more companies begin showing the same commitment to our troops that Pringles does!

The First Siege Weapon

The Assyrians, most feared warriors of the Near East, excelled in war-making technologies and organization. One of their greatest inventions? Weapons that let them attack city walls. When they advanced against the walls and gates of cities, Assyrians used battering rams that struck terror in the hearts of the inhabitants. The Assyrians did not make city walls completely out-of-date. But they were the first in ancient Mesopotamia to come up with a realistic way to attack city walls.