2×03: defcon 1

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Sorry we’ve been gone for so long. I have an actual legitimate job now that sucks the very soul out of me. Stephanie’s been busy listening to people have phone sex in the hallways of community college.

Alright. What the actual fuck, Joe? This is the second GQ disaster that has graced this blog. The first one was 1D and their awful Napoleon/Disney villain coats and now we have Burlesque Biker Joe. I’ve decided that I like you, Joe, but your outfits are making it really fucking hard for me to keep on liking you. Let’s go from top to bottom, shall we?


You know how gross and sweaty you look here? You look like you just ate an entire pig and now you’re sweating it out of your pores. The meat sweat look is not good on you. From what I can see, your outfit isn’t horrible, it’s just no doubt drenched in your sweat. Why are you so sweaty?


WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL ARE YOU WEARING JOE? IS THAT A FUCKING LEATHER VEST. IS THAT A FUCKING LEATHER VEST WITH NOTHING UNDERNEATH IT. Forget Cake by the Ocean, take that vest and throw it into the fucking ocean. Also are you wearing fucking chains on your wrist, Joe? Chains are Nick’s thing. Just like dressing poorly is your thing. I’m so disappointed in you, Joe. So. Disappointed.


Oh my god. You look like an extra in an Adam Lambert video. Why are you doing this to me? Why do you hate me like this? Besides mildly insult you from time to time, what have I ever done to deserve this? I can’t hold your jacket too much against you, though, because it looks like a great way to deter someone from hugging you. As someone who hates hugs (and all other human contact), I can appreciate that. Maybe I need one of those. Just kidding. I’m a fucking rational person who knows how to dress myself.

I’m so disappointed in you, Joe.

Maddy

youtube

Chicago Fire 2x03 Promo “Defcon 1”

I have no idea where this came from, but judging by the hair it’s pre nasty long hair.

Thanks for my extra special birthday present, @adhd-pi-princess. It really means lot.

Ashton, I’m just going to come out and say it: you look like George Shelley. The hair, the vest, the self-satisfied gloat. You’ve got it all. (I’m not checking to see if that’s the actual song title. I don’t care enough.) You also look like some BDSM pirate. Why? That vest is horrible. It is Christmastime. Doubly, it is my birthday. Have some mercy on my poor eyes. I hope you asked Santa for a better wardrobe.

Maddy

PS–Sorry about that guy camping out outside your house. That sucks.