2 months

if you try, you’ll find me
where the sky meets the sea

Ladies and gentlemen of the universe: at long last, after two hard, patient months of work, please welcome the Paladin of the Black Lion. 💜

Photo by @reicheruuu 🚀

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Oi, não sei bem como começar um texto de uma forma boa, ou talvez de uma forma boa o suficiente pra você… Mas vou tentar.
Todas as palavras neste texto definem um pouco do meu amor por você como irmã, é como se fossem todas as palavras iguais, mas escritas de formas diferentes. É assim que vejo nossa amizade, somos iguais na forma que pensamos e somos diferentes ao mesmo tempo e é isso que nos mantêm unidas mesmo de longe.
Não entendo e nunca vou entender como eu consegui me apegar tão rápido a você, porque demoro muito pra considerar alguém, sempre. Algumas pessoas conheço a 2 anos, mas gosto a 4 meses, outras, a 1 ano, mas amo a 9 meses… mas você é diferente.
Logo quando te conheci senti isso, senti que era diferente. Senti que algo em você se encaixava em mim e no meu modo de pensar e agir.
Quando nada parece fácil e quando todos me deixam, você me faz rir com uma mensagem. E sabe o que eu acho mais engraçado e fascinante em você? É que você é como eu, se recebe, dá da mesma forma. Dá de maneira justa ou 10 vezes melhor como recebeu, por isso sei e sinto que você é verdadeira, porque é recíproco todo carinho que eu te dou, recebo igualmente e, na maioria das vezes, muito melhor.
O que eu quero dizer é que você veio pra ficar. Não importa se um dia deixe de me considerar, ou se cansar de mim. Mas veio pra ficar, porque sei que sempre vou ter uma lembrança sua, pelo resto da vida.
Mesmo que um dia eu vá pra longe, e que minha mente esteja atordoada de coisas, mesmo que um dia eu não tenha mais tempo para pensar em mim mesma, sei que uma hora o tempo vai me dar uma lembrança de você, porque você é e sempre será importante pra mim.
Tempo, esse sim surpreende. Não importa se passem anos que não lembramos de tal fato ou pessoa, mas um dia ele vai te trazer a memória algo que foi bom, ou ruim. Mas, falando de você, sempre vai ser algo bom de uma forma ou de outra, porque pessoas deixam marcas, algumas lembranças, outras sentimento, e você deixou tudo isso. Quero que saiba que sempre vou estar aqui, mesmo sendo difícil e apesar da distância, quero te ver bem, seja lá como for. Eu amo você.
—  Fernanda Thais - Uma amizade que o tempo não leva.

(A love letter. Way beyond PG-15. I apologize for the long wait. Hopefully this is one of those things worth waiting for.)

May 26th, 2015


“If I fall along the way
Pick me up and dust me off
And if I get too tired to make it
Be my breath so I can walk…”

I write this letter knowing I won’t send it. I want to write ‘Dear’ because you are, but I won’t. I lie here in bed remembering two months ago when I was with you the first time.

The desert is hot now, even at night. I’m tired, but I can’t sleep from the heat and the thoughts that creep in the stillness and the noise. Some nights you fill all my thoughts, and I think of you for as long as it takes to fall asleep.

When I get too tired to think, I just picture your hair the way it falls on your shoulders, the way it falls through my fingers as I touch you, the way it falls on the pillow when you’re lying here beside me in my memory.

I never told you how it was for me the first time. I regret not telling you when I had the chance. That night has been playing in my mind like a video on repeat. I’ll tell you now in words you’ll never see, so I can try to get the images out of my head.

You surprised me. ‘I’m not always good with surprises,’ I told you. Still, you snuck up on me and crawled inside. And I felt you there as we drove home that night – toward whatever would come next – you in your car and I in mine with your words echoing in my head, ‘Maybe we should get over that.’

I knew I wanted you - without phones, without interruption. I wanted to see where it would go. I wanted to let it happen. I felt you in me, and for the first time in a long time I wasn’t alone. The more I focused on the feeling, the faster I drove because I could hardly wait to get inside you too - if I was lucky. If you’d let me in.

You’re on the other side of the world now, but I still feel you in me. And I still want to be in you too – only not just in your body.

“…If I need some other love
Give me more than I can stand
And when my smile gets old and faded
Wait around I’ll smile again…”

The weeks leading up to that drive home had been a long wait, and I didn’t want to wait any longer. I arrived several minutes before you, so you got to knock on my door, as you had once before. But when you stood there this time there were no apologies.      

“Come in,” I said, and I closed the door behind you.

We were really alone, as never before, and I was suddenly afraid to touch you. I stood there like an idiot, eating you alive with my eyes. You looked into mine too, and I was lost.

“Do you want some water?” I asked, “It’s sparkling. Lime.”

“No.” You smiled, remembering with me.

You moved closer to me then, taking off your jacket. I felt the smallness of the space around us and between us. My breathing was shallow, as if I had something pressing on my chest. And I did. It was you - in my heart.

“…Shouldn’t be so complicated
Just hold me and then
Just hold me again…”

If you were afraid, you didn’t let on. Your fingers ran down my bicep to my elbow and lingered there, inviting me to do the same. But I couldn’t touch your arm. It would have driven me crazy because it wouldn’t have been enough. I wanted your lips on my lips and your tongue on my tongue and your body on my body.

I was done waiting.

I grabbed you by the hips and picked you up so your mouth was close to mine. You wrapped yourself around me in all the places.

“…Can you help me I’m bent
I’m so scared that I’ll never
Get put back together

You’re breaking me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me bent…”

“No waiting?…” you asked, reading my mind.

I held you still for a moment, looking into your eyes, all the way inside where I wanted to be.

“…Hell no,” we spoke the words together as I carried you to bed.

My lips found your lips and my tongue found your tongue and my body found your body. And I was inside you – deep – the way you felt in my heart.

And I couldn’t wait for the rest. I wanted to know everything - how you wanted me to move, how you wanted me to touch you. But I couldn’t think at first. It was like war in the desert – hot and loud and instinctual. I felt your fingers dig into my hips, and I knew there would be marks left behind in the morning. We were completely naked with each other, and all at once it was about surviving.

I felt you orgasm so fast, and you surprised me again.  You shocked the hell out of me when you sucked in deep and held your breath and closed your eyes. I wondered what was happening.

And I asked you, “Are you okay?”

“I am,” you whispered, “I’m just holding it in.”

I wanted to tell you, ‘Don’t. You don’t need to. There’s more. You can have it again. You can have it all.’  And I would have meant it if I had said it, but I didn’t. I stayed silent in our rhythm, watching you come with your eyes closed and surviving you.

“…If I couldn’t sleep could you sleep
Could you paint me better off
Could you sympathize with my needs
I know you think I need a lot…”

I kept moving in you until the flush that had crossed your chest slowly faded away. Then I kissed you there above your breasts, and I felt you breathe out long and slow beneath my lips.

“I want more,” you murmured. And I thought for a moment about forever. But I knew you were talking about pleasure.

“I have more for you,” I said, wanting both in that moment.

We were slow and methodical then. I tasted every piece of you, bending you in all the ways.

We came at the same time, and I didn’t try to make it happen. It just did. I tried holding in all the feeling as you had done before, but it was too much. I couldn’t do it. I just wanted to give it to you. There was no holding my breath or closing my eyes. There was only release – mine and yours.

“…I started out clean but I’m jaded
Just phoning it in
Just breaking the skin…”

It had been so long since I had felt anything. Those other times with women after Cristina, it was just sex. All of a sudden with you it was more. It was feeling. And it was so big that I feel it still.

I’ve been picturing you in my future, and I know this is futile because how could it ever work for us? You said we were a mistake. And you meant it, so I want to believe it too. Only I don’t. And that’s why we’re a plane crash. Because I don’t.

I can’t stop thinking about your hand holding mine that last time and how I let you go. I was afraid. Then Derek died and all I wanted to do was hold you, but it was too late. You wouldn’t let me. You wouldn’t even let me touch you. I wanted to feel your arms around me, but you wouldn’t touch me either. You wouldn’t even talk to me. I couldn’t stand any of it, and I was fucked. So I came here, where I knew I’d feel useful – and where the sounds of war would be loud enough to drown out the shrieking in my head. I came here to forget. But I can still hear it, and I still remember. So now I’m just fucked here too.

“…Can you help me I’m bent
I’m so scared that I’ll never
Get put back together

You’re breaking me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me bent…”

Now you’re far away, and I miss you. I’m lying here drenched in sweat, and I wonder if hell feels like this. I’ve certainly earned my place. I came here on purpose – to get away from grief, to get away from you.

I can barely keep my eyes open, but I don’t want to fall asleep. Because it’s the same every night. I feel the pleasure of you in my dreams, and I try to hold it in. I hold my breath and close my eyes even tighter. And then I wake up, and my dream dissolves quickly into forgetting. Only now that I’m here, I don’t want to forget.

“…Start bending me
It’s never enough
I feel all your pieces

Start bending me
Keep bending me until I’m completely broken in…”

~ Owen


Hey! I’m 2 months on T!


Happy two months, beautiful.
So so incredibly blessed to be able to spend it with you. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn’t change anything about our relationship nor you. You’re so freaking perfect in every which way. I’m honored and grateful to be yours. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life by your side, I wouldn’t mind it..at all. This weekend has been beyond words. Tonight is ours. Tomorrow morning will be the hardest day of my life, but I’ve cherished every moment thus far. I can’t wait to see you in your dress tonight. You take my breath away, pretty girl. I love you so much. ♥️