1am

Boys like him don’t come wrapped in pretty packages with bows and ribbons-
Boys like him come in sleepless eyes and bruised knuckles.

They see girls like you, with wide eyes and soft lips-
And crave for that vulnerability.
So they wear a smile that’s almost too bright and hold your hand almost too hard,
And they love.

They love you until your heart bleeds and your eyes sting, they love you until you’re too blinded by the daggar they’re twisting into your ribcage.

Girls like you though, they believe that they can kiss their knuckles until they’re healed. So they wait around for boys like him to grow up.

But boys like him don’t grow up, they drain-

and it works every time with girls like you.

—  Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #108

An Open Letter To The Boy Who Raped Me.

I remember that night very vividly. I remember more than I would like to. I remember crying, trying to push you off of me, and begging you to stop. I also remember exactly what you said to me as I begged you to stop.
You looked me straight in the face and said “If I stop now it’ll only hurt worse when I go back in.” I was appalled at your response. I didn’t know what to say. Nevertheless I begged you to stop and you continued despite my many protests.

In one night you took everything from me.. My dignity, my innocence, my trust, my peace of mind and more importantly — my sense of security. I didn’t feel safe anywhere I went. You made it hard for me to trust new people, I started secluding myself from everyone because I was afraid.

You also made me hate myself.
For the longest time I couldn’t look at my own unclothed body without feeling an abundance of hatred and disgust towards myself. I felt very uncomfortable in my own body.

I blamed myself for what you did to me. I should’ve fought back harder. I shouldn’t have let you do that to me. Those are just a few of the thoughts that ran through my head everyday. I was ashamed for the longest time, I didn’t want to admit it. Now I realize that it wasn’t my fault and I definitely didn’t LET you do it. Though I might not have been able to stop you, it still was not my fault.

I’m writing you to let you know that I’m not mad anymore. I no longer feel hate towards you, I no longer shudder when I hear your name, and I’m no longer scared. I forgive you for what you did to me. Though I’ll never get back the things you took from me, I forgive you.

And I want you to know that what I thought was the lowest point in my life led me to one of the highest points in my life. You’ve made me realize that although the sun may set, it will always rise again. I’ve grown so much in my faith since what happened and I’ve surrounded myself with some of the most amazing people I know. I have someone so special who cherishes me and respects my boundaries.

I’m happy now, you should be too. I hope you’ve learned from your mistake.

–A Girl Who Has Healed.

I Guess Phan Is Real ~ Smut

Phil entered the apartment after a long day at work, interview after interview.
“Dan i’m home!” Phil shouted. No sound.
Phil sighed, he had hoped to see his best friend.
Phil sluggishly walked to his room and put his stuff down.
Suddenly Phil felt hands grab him and push him against the wall. He was about to scream when a pair of lips connected with his.
Out of instinct he closed his eyes. Against his will he melted into the kiss. Phil knew it was wrong but it felt so right. He knew this person must have been a stranger but it felt so familiar.
Suddenly the person holding him ‘captive’ broke the kiss.
“Shhh Phil the screaming comes later.”
Phil chocked on his own spit.
“D-dan?” Phil asked in a whisper. Phil looked up and found chocolate brown eyes staring straight into his striking blue orbs.
“Fuck Phil you’re so fucking hot.” Dan growled.
Phil gulped lost for words.
“God Phil I want you, no scratch that I need you. You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this.” Dan growled seductively.
Before Phil could even take a breath Dan pushed his lips against Phil’s again. This time it was filled with more passion than lust.
By the time they broke the kiss there breaths were coming in quick gasps.
“I need you too Dan.” Phil moaned as Dan started kissing down his neck. He could feel Dan’s smug smirk.
“I know.”
As Dan was kissing Phil’s neck he started unbuttoning Phil’s T-Shirt. Before Phil realized it his shirt was off and his chest was exposed.
As Dan was looking at Phil’s exposed chest, muttering under his breath, Phil pulled Dan’s Shirt off with one swish motion.
“Smooth Lester.” Dan said with a smirk.
Phil didn’t speak but unbuttoned his pants pulling them off, along with his underwear.
“Fuck.” Dan breathed.
“I’m feeling a bit lonely.” Phil commented blushing.
Without taking his eyes off Phil, Dan pulled his pants off.
Now there was two naked men standing in Phil’s room.
“To hell with it.” Phil muttered before smashing his lips onto Dan’s.
The force pushed them both onto Phil’s bed but they continued kissing, Phil on top of Dan.
“Please Phil I need more.” Dan moaned in between kisses.
“Don’t be getting vulnerable on me Dan.” Phil smirked.
“Don’t be getting all Alpha male on me Phil.” Dan smartly replied mocking Phil.
“You know you love it.” Phil said smugly.
“I know I love You.” Dan whispered it Phils ear.
Phil smirked before kissing Dan’s stomach.
“I put some lube on the bedside table.” Dan managed between moans.
Without taking his mouth off Dan, Phil reached over using his long arms and grabbed the container and dipped his fingers in.
“This may hurt a little babe.” Phil warned dan before inserting a finger.
Dan wriggled a bit, feeling uncomfortable before getting used to the presence of the finger.
“You Okay?” Phil asked concerned. Which got a smirk from Dan.
“I’m fucking fabulous please for the love of God continue.” Phil smirked a bit at Dans desperation.
“You’re wish is my command.” Phil said.
Phil added a second fined and started thrusting a bit which got moans from Dan.
Soon Phil added the third and final finger and started thrusting in harder.
Phil’s fingers brushed against Dan’s prostrate which rewarded him with Dan screaming his name and digging his fingers into Dan’s hair.
Dan started bouncing slightly aching for more of Phil.
“Oh God please Phil I’m ready. Please I need you.” Dan pleaded.
“There’s no need to beg.” Phil smirked although the begging turned him on.
Phil took out his fingers, which made Dan whimper.
Quickly Phil rubbed some lube on his member before quickly thrusting into Dan.
Dan gasped and dug his fingers into Phils back.
“Sorry if I hurt you babe. Tell me when to move.” Phil whispered soothingly into Dan’s ear.
After a small amount of time Dan got use to the large prescence and told Phil to continue.
Phil started thrusting into Dan lightly making Dan moan.
“You’re so bloody tight.” Phil moaned.
Soon Dan started bouncing slightly so they met in the middle.
As they continued Dan’s bouncing increased.
Phil gripped Dan and thrusted into him as hard as he could hitting the bundle of nerves he was looking for. Making Dan scream his name in pleasure.
“Fuck! Right there Phil! Right there!” Dan started bouncing harder and Phil smirked hitting the spot again.
By this time Dan was in hysterics screaming Phils name in pleasure.
Phil could feel heat forming in the bottom of his stomach as he thrusted a few more times, hitting Dan’s prostate dead on every time.
“P-Phil!” Dan screamed as he came over the two boys. Shortly after Phil came screaming Dan’s name as he was in complete bliss.
Phil thrusted a few more times as they both rode thier highs together.
Phil collapsed next to Dan as they fell into a comfortable silence, both still revealing in the bliss.
Phil was the one who broke the silence.
“I guess Phan is real.”