“Jump. Don’t be afraid. After this, it will hurt no more.”, a voice keeps on telling this inside my head right now. Before, I was fine being all by myself, worrying nothing about other people. But then, I longed for a world where I can have someone, some people. I thought going outside, making friends was easy. But, I was judged, harmed by words that struck way through my heart. And it hurts more than being stabbed. Before, I hate when they talk behind my back. But I just realized, all of them were true. I am a disappointment. “Do it. Just think of it as a swing.” Everyone kept on saying that things will be fine, it will pass, that they will be there for me. But, where are they now? People who promised to be friends, family, love ones. Gone. “Jump, and it will hurt no more.” I’m listening. And what it offers? I like it. After this, maybe I could say that it hurts no more. I’ll be fine, I guess.

A Giving Master

I have to confess, I was never prepared for how much my Master would give me. In every day in so many ways, he shows me how much he adds to my life, and I am so grateful. 

In my previous post about the language of submission, I spoke about the theory of “The Language of Love”, which has been written about by relationship counselor Gary Chapman. To tell it in detail; he posited that there are basically five emotional love languages - five ways that people speak and understand emotional love. And healthy relationships thrive on speaking the same language your partner understands. These are:

  • Words of Affirmation: Expressing affection through spoken affection, praise, or appreciation.
  • Acts of Service: Actions, rather than words, are used to show and receive love.
  • Receiving Gifts: Gifting is symbolic of love and affection.
  • Quality Time: Expressing affection with undivided, undistracted attention.
  • Physical Touch: It can be sex or holding hands. With this love language, the speaker feels affection through physical touch.

And why do I write about this now? Because I have discovered… I have a Master that is speaking all five. On every level he is communicating his love and desire for me. Just as he said he would… he is leaving no stone unturned in his pursuit of bettering our relationship. The five ways are all there:

  • Every day, in so many ways, he tells me such appreciative, loving things, and I am honored to receive his praise. (Affirmation)
  • Every day he does something tangible; be it a video made for me; a photograph. A post. Whatever he can do at this distance, he does. (Service)
  • I cannot begin to count the physical gifts he has bestowed on me. I am a lucky, lucky slave. He has even contributed to my latest growth cycle. (Gifts)
  • We Skype every day; there isn’t a moment of our day we aren’t in touch when we can, if we aren’t working or asleep. He includes me in his day, and I make sure he is in mine. (Quality time)

  • Physically, we are separated for awhile longer. But we are sensual despite the distance. And when we are together, we are always hands-on. (Touch). 

So you see… nothing is missed. I am fulfilled and loved in every way it is possible to experience it. And there is yet more I could say… how he includes me in his household. How he takes time to help me when I feel stressed and struggling.

I am still learning which language he understands most directly, so I can give more of myself as a slave. But following his example… I will leave no stone unturned. I will give more and more until he feels the same amount of love that I do. He is so very worth it. 

Thank you Master. I love you.

- Beast 2017

She was there, the girl they called ugly, the girl they say she doesn’t matter, the girl who made the world like she doesn’t exist. Look at her. She was there, standing at her own rain, washing herself with tears. She did everything, pleased everyone. But what she got? Nothing. Rejection.

She was there, the girl they wish to die, standing and wishing that she would disappear. The world made her, into something not meant to be. She’s harmed, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. She wanted to be gone because she believed what other’s said. She doesn’t matter, loved, cared. She’s just a piece of trash.

I don’t know what’s on her mind right now. But I’m afraid of the things she can do. Mixed up emotions, messed up thoughts. A perfect combination for self destruction. Look at her, not looking at you, because she doesn’t want to be seen as weak, vulnerable. She tried to be strong, but she can’t.

She was there, the girl who was once alone, risked herself in the company of others. Made friends. Loved. But in the end, she was right. Anyone, even the ones you trust will hurt you. Badly. She was there, fading along with the rain, washing her away slowly. I was going to save her.

But it was too late.