11. Something you miss i miss a ton of things but i think something i miss a lot now is marching band. we had an awesome show this year about friendship and the bonds you form with people and i’m really going to miss that show. i’ve made a lot of awesome and happy memories marching the show, hanging out with friends, having good times before and after rehearsals, seeing the same awesome people everyday, and trying my absolute best at everything we did. it’s such a wonderful thing that i’ll never forget. before i joined band my sophomore year i never knew marching band was anything like this. but now that i know i’m going to cherish these memories forever. 13. How old are you? 17 34. Last person you talked to? my twin brother
Ten days ago I missed you.
I cried and cried and prayed you’d call me.
I told myself I’d never be happy without you.
Five days ago you called.
You got mad for no reason and reminded me of all of the reasons we didn’t work.
You stomped my broken heart into the dust and then told me we’re friends again.
Today I can’t stand you.
You’re on my mind so much for all the bad reasons.
I can’t stand anything you do, the things I use to think were cute and quirky are just plain annoying now.
Everytime I run into you I resist the urge to lash out at you and tell you how annoying you are and how i’m so much better without you.
But if I hate you so much,
Why are you still on my mind?
i hate this
i hate what we are now
i hate that we lost what we once were
i hate that everything is so different now
i hate that it feels like nothing will ever be the same again
i hate that you were once my everything
and now it feels like i’m nothing to you
i hate that i have to beg you for a conversation
not even a conversation
i hate hat i have to beg you just to text me back
a one word reply is all i need
because at least you’ll be talking to me
i hate that i’m begging you for the bare minimum
the same way i hate that i had to beg you not to leave me
i hate that you left anyway
i hate that you won’t text back anyway
i hate that i keep trying
i hate that i can’t stop myself from trying
from deluding myself into believing that everything will be okay
that i’ll be okay
i hate that i can’t move on the way you did
i hate that i can’t mask my emotions the way you do
i hate that i can’t get over it the way you did
i hate that everything reminds me of you
i hate that you exist everywhere
in my morning cup of coffee
in my sock drawer
in my home
in my phone
in my laptop
in my memories, both literal and digital
wherever i turn there you are, and i hate that
i hate that i can’t sleep because i dream about you
i hate that you only love me in my dreams
i hate that you keep pushing me away
even though you said you still wanted to be friends
i hate that what you want and what you need eclipses my own wants and needs
and i hate that i’m just letting you treat me this way
i hate that i’m letting you make me feel so horrible
i hate that i can’t stop missing you
i hate that i can’t stop thinking about you
i hate that i can’t stop staring at my phone, just hoping you’ll talk to me
i hate that i keep wasting my 11:11 wishes on you
i hate that i can’t stop
i hate myself for still loving you
i think the only thing i don’t hate is you (cc, 2017)
The way you’d cock your head and smile at me quizzically when you’d catch me staring. Your brown eyes and how they sparkled in the sunlight. The feel of you brushing up against, making me want to be even closer. That way you’d beg for my attention just by looking at me. Staring down at your empty hand hoping it would hold mine. The feeling of your arms wrapped around me even when I try to pull away. Your laughter and mine mixing together until it was all I could hear. The smell of your hoodies that I never wanted to let go of. Your terrible jokes that still made me grin. Your heart pounding almost as loud as mine. Peering through the darkness of the movie theatre just to meet your eyes. Not caring where I was or what we were doing as long as I was with you. The words “I love you” escaping from your lips.
I know it’s nothing a plane ticket or a car ride couldn’t fix, but God, you don’t understand it unless you’ve been in it, unless you’ve felt it. It’s that feeling that hits your chest when you two finally say good night after listening to each other’s voices for the past few hours, and you’ll wonder why every time you say good night it feels like a good bye. It’s how even though you two just had a wonderful conversation your eyes start to fill up with tears because it’s a bittersweet feeling, because once they hang up, you’re alone again. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally. You’re alone. It’s how a good morning text stands in for a good morning kiss and how a “what are you doing?” replaces hand holding. It’s how you two can’t help but talk about how every moment will be spent when you’re finally together, how a kiss will be more than just a kiss, how a hug is something that will last hours instead of seconds. It’s how you know that once you get to touch their skin it will be like touching the moon, and each little freckle will be your star to wish on, only yours. It’s how you will discover new galaxies in their laugh, how each little scar will be more than that, it will be a story you want to read, so you’ll trace your fingers across them like braille. You think of all this, all day, every day, every moment, even when you two are lost in conversation, you’ll think of it. And that’s the thing that keeps you hanging on, that keeps you going. The promise that every time you see the moon, you’re one step closer to seeing them soon. So you’ll close your weary eyes and dream of them in your arms. Once you awake there will be a message, “Good morning…” and everything is right again.