11:11; you

i hate this
i hate what we are now
i hate that we lost what we once were
i hate that everything is so different now
i hate that it feels like nothing will ever be the same again
i hate that you were once my everything
and now it feels like i’m nothing to you
i hate that i have to beg you for a conversation
not even a conversation
i hate hat i have to beg you just to text me back
a one word reply is all i need
because at least you’ll be talking to me
i hate that i’m begging you for the bare minimum
the same way i hate that i had to beg you not to leave me
i hate that you left anyway
i hate that you won’t text back anyway
i hate that i keep trying
i hate that i can’t stop myself from trying
from hoping
from deluding myself into believing that everything will be okay
that i’ll be okay
i hate that i can’t move on the way you did
i hate that i can’t mask my emotions the way you do
i hate that i can’t get over it the way you did
i hate that everything reminds me of you
i hate that you exist everywhere
in my morning cup of coffee
in my sock drawer
in my home
in my phone
in my laptop
in my memories, both literal and digital
wherever i turn there you are, and i hate that
i hate that i can’t sleep because i dream about you
i hate that you only love me in my dreams
i hate that you keep pushing me away
even though you said you still wanted to be friends
i hate that what you want and what you need eclipses my own wants and needs
and i hate that i’m just letting you treat me this way
i hate that i’m letting you make me feel so horrible
and sick
and sad
i hate that i can’t stop missing you
i hate that i can’t stop thinking about you
i hate that i can’t stop staring at my phone, just hoping you’ll talk to me
i hate that i keep wasting my 11:11 wishes on you
i hate that i can’t stop
i hate myself for still loving you
—  i think the only thing i don’t hate is you
(cc, 2017)

Ten days ago I missed you.
I cried and cried and prayed you’d call me.
I told myself I’d never be happy without you.

Five days ago you called.
You got mad for no reason and reminded me of all of the reasons we didn’t work.
You stomped my broken heart into the dust and then told me we’re friends again.

Today I can’t stand you.
You’re on my mind so much for all the bad reasons.
I can’t stand anything you do, the things I use to think were cute and quirky are just plain annoying now.
Everytime I run into you I resist the urge to lash out at you and tell you how annoying you are and how i’m so much better without you.

But if I hate you so much,
Why are you still on my mind?

—  sunshxnequote-s

I know I shouldn’t, but I still miss the old you.

The way you’d cock your head and smile at me quizzically when you’d catch me staring. Your brown eyes and how they sparkled in the sunlight. The feel of you brushing up against, making me want to be even closer. That way you’d beg for my attention just by looking at me. Staring down at your empty hand hoping it would hold mine. The feeling of your arms wrapped around me even when I try to pull away. Your laughter and mine mixing together until it was all I could hear. The smell of your hoodies that I never wanted to let go of. Your terrible jokes that still made me grin. Your heart pounding almost as loud as mine. Peering through the darkness of the movie theatre just to meet your eyes. Not caring where I was or what we were doing as long as I was with you. The words “I love you” escaping from your lips.

—  please come back
I wish you would look at me the way you used to.
I wish you would hold my hand and tell me that it was all just a bad dream.
I wish you would hold me tightly in your arms as I told you the story of what happened.
I wish you would gently press your lips to mine as assurance that it was only a nightmare.
I wish it would go back to the way it used to be.
You and me.
Me and you.
I wish you would love me the way I love you.
—  11:11 is a lie;L.L.
You would think that with all the 11:11 wishes I’ve spent on you, they would’ve come true by now. It’s easy to say I’ll stop hoping for something that I know will never be mine, but my mind drifts to you without a second thought. It’s like an alarm in my head set for 11:11 and once the minute hand ticks, I find myself thinking of you, wishing for you. You’ve become the centre of all my wishes but you won’t ever notice me, will you?
—  11:11 wishing // S.T

“are you okay?”

the words pierced through my soul and shook my whole body. i looked up at her but the boulder that had formed in my throat was not budging. here i was thinking i’d been doing perfectly fine with all of this but maybe that’s because no ones asked. as my eyes begin to tear and my hands start to shake while my whole body realises. i’m not okay. there’s nothing ‘okay’ about what’s going on at all. hell, i can’t even bring myself to say yes. it hurts. it all hurts and it doesn’t really get better.

—  no one asked.