110 pound

This is Andy! He’s just about two years old, 110 pounds, 28 inches high at the shoulder, and about 40 inches long. I know he’s border collie mixed with something, but I have no idea what the second part could be. All I know is that I love him, and that he’s my little clown.

110 Pounds of Love

A/N: A follow up to Frank the Tank after they’ve had Frank for about a year, and they’ve just had a baby. Fluffy cuteness. Is this what you had in mind @quirkiest-turtle? ;) @coveofmemories

                                                             —–

With little Spencer Jr. chilling out in the Boba baby wrap, you walked outside to start doing some of the dishes. Spencer claimed he was going to start on dinner after he finished reading and walking the dog, your 110-pound brown pitbull Frank a.k.a. Frank the Tank, but when you walked out of the bedroom, you saw a giant brown blob sitting directly on Spencer’s lap. 

“I can’t get up,” he laughed, craning his head to see you and baby Spencer walking out of the bedroom. “He thinks he’s a lap dog.” Frank was curled up, fast asleep, right on Spencer’s lap. He’d been reading his book, using the dog as a place to rest his hands, but now that he wanted to make dinner and walk him, he couldn’t manage to get him up. When that dog was asleep, he was completely dead weight. Frank was fast asleep. “Help me.”

You smirked as you walked into the kitchen and turned on the sink, waiting for the water to come to a comfortable temperature. “I think you might be out of luck,” you replied. While the water warmed, you pulled out your phone and walked over to Spencer. You needed a picture of this giant lump of dog pinning your husband to the couch. 

Just as you clicked the picture, you heard a knock at the door. That would be JJ, Will, Henry and Michael coming over for dinner. JJ and Will got a chance to hang out with mini Spencer, while Henry and Michael fawned over Frank. The Tank took to the boys immediately, so you were confident he’d be a great companion for the baby as he grew up. “Hello loves,” you said, watching as Frank happily jumped off Spencer’s lap and went to go kiss the boys. 

“Frank!” they screamed, placing their arms gently around Frank’s big, burly neck. “Feck!” Michael attempted to yell fetch, but considering he was only three it came out more like fuck so you all had to try not to laugh. While the boys ran around the apartment, Spencer was finally able to get up, lifting Henry and Michael up off the ground and rough-housing with them until you asked him to walk the dog. 

“How would you like to come with me to walk Frank?” he asked the happy-go-lucky children. 

“I’ll come with you too,” Will drawled. “Then we come back, wash our hands and get ready for dinner okay? Y/N and Spencer have been nice enough to invite us over.”

“It’s no problem,” you said. You got a little extra help with the baby from JJ and Will, and the boys absolutely adored Frank. It was a win-win all around. “Have fun with Frank, babies.”

As soon as they walked out the door, you sighed. You loved your boys, both adult and child, human and dog, but there was never a quiet moment anymore. JJ knew and said nothing as she helped you start dinner. Hopefully, Spencer and Will would take their time with the boys.

                                                              —–

“Slow down, boys!” Will called, watching as Henry and Michael walked ahead, big brother holding on to little brother’s hand. “Frank wants to catch up!” They looked back and ran toward the dog, arms outstretched as he slobbered them in kisses. “Can’t run too far ahead. You gotta stay near the adults.”

In the proceeding year, Spencer’s arm muscles had bulked up considerably. All thanks to the tank. Trying to wrangle the 110-pound pitbull proved more difficult than he had ever thought; Frank wasn’t mean at all, he was just very excitable. “Woah, calm down Frank,” Spencer said, grabbing tighter onto the leash as Frank got a peek at a squirrel. Will laughed as Frank started barking at the creature that ran lightning speed up the side of a tree. “He really likes squirrels.”

“Honestly,” Spencer said, “he wants to play with them. He has no idea how big he is.”

“Yea, JJ was telling me he thinks he’s a lap dog.”

“Apparently. I’m constantly cold though, and he’s a walking, barking furnace, so he keeps me warm.”

They four turned the corner to start heading back toward the apartment when another squirrel crossed Frank’s path. He lunged forward, causing Spencer to lose his grip and drop the leash. Frank ran forward, past the boys to follow the squirrel, but thankfully he was a very good listener. “Frank! Stop!” he screamed, running in front of Henry and Michael to the dog who’d stopped in his tracks. “You can’t go running off like that, you’ll hurt yourself.” Breathing heavy from excitement, Frank just wagged his tail and licked Spencer’s face. “Let’s get back upstairs.”

                                                             —–

About 15 minutes later, you and JJ heard the unmistakable stampeding footsteps of your boys. “Thank you for the complete and total silence JJ, I love you.” Leaning over, you kissed JJ on the cheek. Spencer Jr. had been asleep the entire time, so you got some much deserved silence.

“No problem,” she laughed quietly. “Silence is golden.”

“And rare.”

The door flew open, revealing one barreling pitbull, two boys with an endless amount of energy, and two very tired dads. “How was your walk?” you asked.

“Frank here really likes squirrels, doesn’t he?” Will laughed. “Go wash up boys!”

Frank really did love his squirrels. “He ran in front of me after one,” Spencer said, “But he stopped as soon as I yelled.”

“Good boy,” you said to Frank as he sniffed at mini Spencer. You handed him a treat and he got his nose right near the baby’s butt, moving back almost immediately. “Oh, I think Frank is telling us we have a dirty diaper.”

Considering where he was hanging, JJ did as all mothers do, bending down to do a sniff test on the baby. “Oh yea,” she laughed, “he definitely needs a change. Want me to get him?”

“Gods, yes,” you said. Having friends over really took the pressure off.

By May 26, 2017:

I will weigh 110 pounds
I will have a bubble butt
I will look good in crop tops
I will have prominent collar bones
I will have a bikini bridge
I will have a thigh gap
I will be able to see the veins in my hand
I will have long thick hair
I will work out every day
I will be skinny and pretty
I will do whatever it takes
I will NOT have a muffin top
I will not jiggle
I will not have to suck in
I will not need high waisted jeans to hide my fat
I will not have to wear baggy clothes anymore

2

THREE MONTH PROGRESS

I did not feel like doing one of these today because my mirror selfie game has been strong this week and it felt unnecessary BUT today is actually kind of a big deal. 1: one year ago today I started lizzielosing (though at the time it was lizzieketo) and that is making me feel all kinds of things. 2: On January 1st (my “before” picture day) I was determined that this weight loss challenge was going to end today, after 3 months. I wrote all sorts of essays to myself about how 3 months wasn’t that long, I was going to hermit myself for winter and be all hot and sexy by Spring, yada yada. 3: I haven’t posted a sincere progress side by side in 3 weeks and a month just ended so here we are. I am adding bold text highlights to make this word-explosion appear more interesting.

I gained 2 pounds this week because I’ve been lazy, but since Jan 1st I’ve lost around 8-10 stubborn pounds and am still about 10 pounds away from one of my goal weights. (I fluctuate between 125 pounds and 127.) 2 inches have been lost from the waist and 2 from the hips. I’m actually pretty much halfway to all of my goals after 3 months. Obviously I wish I was 100% there and ready to maintain at 110-115 pounds, but if these months have taught me anything it’s that even with the best intentions I still screw up at least once a week and maybe that’s OK! Things are still changing in the right direction, and that matters. 

I feel like the first few weeks my body really dropped a lot of fat and my progress looks less and less noticeable each week because it’s more muscle toning+bone-revealing, but I feel generally hotter! The increasing frequency of selfies on this site is a testament to that. Those shorts are now baggy and sit below the belly button, which they’re not supposed to do and now do because they’re too big. My tits got smaller but they look better so it’s all good. Hips/saddlebags finally, slowly shrinking. I don’t know. Again, wish I was already there after 3 months but staying positive. I’m going to try and not drink at all this week because it truly is the only thing holding me back at this point. I’m not setting a new date for my goal weight just yet, but it took me 3 months to get here so realistically June-ish I should hit my goal weight…but we’ll see! Thanks for sticking with me, gang. (and today a special, loving shoutout to @alittlebitofketo and @ketokee both of whom I have now been interacting with for ONE YEAR TODAY and both of whom have made fucking outstanding progress in the last year and are a huge inspiration to me.)

anonymous asked:

Update us on your journey!!!

Hi Hi Hi. Well, I’m happy. I’m constantly changing into a different person with so many road blocks every couple of months. But then again, who doesn’t? It has been an up and down journey but I am finally back UP.  Just life doing its thing. 

Spark notes…

- started my blog 4 years ago when I was living in Savannah. Was in College and lost the 110 pounds. Started to share my progress with you guys around 60 pounds down. 

- Graduated and moved back home to Long Island. Got a job in the city and commuted into Manhattan. A  2 hour journey there and a 2 hour journey back home everyday. Started binging on NYC Pizza and ice cream from the misery. Did that for a year and gained 30lbs. Struggled with my new found freedom to go and do whatever I wanted with a new set of friends in the industry. Plenty of cocktail parties and steak dinners with clients. Then back on a train to Long Island at 12am just to come back into Manhattan at 7am the following morning. Absolutely no balance in my life. 

-  Moved to Brooklyn but continued to go out/ eat out a lot. Started dating and fell off my journey almost entirely. Went to the gym but was essentially just working off the weight I was gaining every weekend. Fell in love with soul cycle. Met some assholes while trying to put myself out there romantically. Had a lot of learning experiences. Met a great guy- fell in love. Life was getting so busy I stopped investing in my own health. Blog fell to the waste side sadly.  I felt like a fraud. How could I give advise or reblog healthy tips when my lifestyle was very much the opposite?

- 1.5 years ago -  Bought a condo as an investment in Jersey to avoid insane rent. Fell out of love. Got a new job that required 70 hours a week and little sleep. Went to the gym every other week but wasn’t making any true progress. Was then up 40 pounds. Was absolutely miserable. Tried to pack lunch and “start over” every week but I was in an endless cycle of work, work, work, work and oh yea.. work. I couldn’t come up for air and my weight became my last priority unfortunately.  

- 6 months ago - cried myself to sleep a lot and knew I needed to make a change so I took a “eat pray love” trip to Bali. Hiked a mountain at 1am to watch the sunrise over a active volcano and decided I was going to quit. Was surrounded by beautiful and empowered women at a health retreat, and decided to really focus on my happiness.  Came back to NY and quit my job. I chose happiness and my mental health over my high paying salary in the city. 

- 4 months ago - listed my condo for sale in Jersey. Moved back home and started working for a local family business. Went back online to try dating again. Two weeks in and a few miserable dates later, I finally found an amazing man. I am now very happy in a wonderful new relationship. He is everything that I thought I would never find. 

- 2 months ago- joined a new local gym between my new job and my home on Long Island. 

Present- still very  much up in weight but happier than I’ve been in about 2 years. Trying to get my brain and heart ready for a lifestyle change to get my body back to a healthier place. I constantly struggle with balance. 

Highest Weight: 283

Lowest Weight: 168-175 for a good year before hanging out in the 190′s and early 200′s in Brooklyn.

Current Weight: 225

GOAL: Physically fit, strong, happy, healthy, balanced, and confident. Whatever weight that means. 

youtube

This comment may be helpful to some. Read my reply closely.

You can view it here or on the original video page, where you can comment on your thoughts as well.

A more in depth look into this video and the mistake of thinking that errors in handling animals of any sort should be hidden and shame placed upon the human that made them.

Instead of creating a positive environment where everyone can learn together and help create better lives for captive animals and reduce the risk of injury or death at any moment. A fact of normal life– when you work with wildlife for a living. If you cannot accept that. And accept that you are not perfect.  You are setting yourself up for a disaster.

———————————-

Epiicfaiilable


Well deserved. Throwing rocks at an animal however is disgusting. You had it coming lady.

camelsandfriends

Indeed. It is never the animal’s fault– especially when dealing with wild animals. So dramatic though– throwing ‘rocks’? I tossed a single pebble at him of grainy sandstone about the size of a penny. It landed near him and did not disturb him as you can see.

He would not relate the object as it were– coming toward him threw a quick move of air and sound as anything to do with me. He would only act on instinct and if he were in the mood to feel possessive or dominate over a high prized value piece of meat– he would have quickly snapped at the air in the direction that the rock fell or near his body when it had invaded his personal space.

I test him when I feel that it is appropriate, too. If he had done that, then we need to work on certain areas. Wolves test you all the time, it is a good thing to gauge their reactions in small ways that are in no way a bother to a 110 pound wolf with a big slab of meat at his chest.

If you find that disgusting, you simply have no real knowledge of animals and especially not of wolves. I cannot teach you from the ground up, but I would forget everything you’ve made up in your head about them. You seem to be thinking of them as a person and they are not. They act quickly on instinct and if something starts with a wolf– unlike with a human– it will always escalate. It will not be a, “See you in the morning,” argument. It will be one that you need to be ready to response to with compassion, calmness and with the understanding that it was your fault and there shouldn’t be any anger toward the animal.

It was my mistake that this happened. As stated in the video description and many times in comments. Lorne reacted appropriately to the situation. I acted appropriately back, therefore I was not seriously injured and neither was Lorne. Therefore, I walked out of his enclosure and was not killed.

You must realize that no one forced me to upload this video to the internet– exposed to potentially millions of people like you who are going to point at someone making a mistake and just ridicule something you don’t even understand.

I am willing to admit that I make mistakes. Everyone does. I filmed this. I uploaded it. And you are only watching it because I care more about animals and showing the truth– than I care about you and anyone elses’ opinions about my mistake reflecting bad on me as an animal behaviorist. Guess what. People make mistakes. No one is perfect and I am perfectly willing to continue to upload mine, so that others may learn from them.

My mistake in this video was staying in the enclosure far too long and for not noticing the invasive red fire ants sooner. I should probably not have given him that meat at all and when he dragged it near the ants.. I made the mistake of thinking I needed to move it away from him first or risk Lorne getting bit up by these ants. I should have walked away and out a long time ago, but I did not. Therefore, it is my fault. And it will always be in any sort of negative situation with Lorne or any animal. Humans make mistakes. Animals can only react to ours.

The ants are known to swarm and it is not uncommon that they kill livestock– cattle and horses. They carry the undisputed most painful insect bite of any other species on the planet. I have been bit. It is agony. I could not imagine handling another bite or too.

Again, my mistake. Lorne is a 110 pound wolf– not bothered by a rock tossed toward him. I should have left and he could deal with the ants himself. A few bites aren’t going to do anything, but cause him pain that would wear off within 48 hours and this situation would not have happened.

But I stayed. Because I thought I could move him away and I could not– before he was bit. It is so painful he was blinded with redirecting this sudden charge of adrenaline at me. He did not understand who else could be causing it and was trying to protect the meat.

The video is here because I am showing that no matter what decisions you think are best for wild animals (such as I thought it was better to have him not be bit and try to help in a very risky situation rather than just go inside and let a wild animal deal with some ants)– you can still get injured. Handling wildlife is risky. Every day. This is something that could happen to me with Lorne or any one of my animals. That is my choice to make and you have no real right to tell me what to do in the matter. As you are not being put at risk at all and I would not allow you to do so with this animal because you clearly do not know how to handle a wolf.

Which brings me back to why I uploaded this video the most: I wanted to show those with wolfdogs, wolves, or many other exotic/wild or even domesticated animals that the best way to handle the situation is as I did here. It does not matter if it was your mistake or fault. There is only one thing to know: Remain calm.

I cared about helping someone else one day who may remember this and not get taken to the emergency room or be killed. And then the animal face being euthanized by the police afterwards.

You have missed the point entirely. I know I am to blame and it is not Lorne. That is why I show no anger or resentment toward him. That is why I am not mad or screaming at him. It is why I am calm and understanding of what he is doing. He is the wolf. I am a human and I see things differently that he cannot comprehend. It is my responsibility to take this risk and be understanding.

Calmness can only be achieved if you really truly understand that is your fault and not the wild animal you are working with. You cannot lie and feel resentment. Especially during the attack. It will escalate and you may be killed.

That is why I uploaded this. You focused on a small rock I threw toward him to test his state of mind, of which I got a very positive response from. Again, you missed the point entirely.

Do you have any first hand experience working with wolves or any wild canine yourself? I really hope that you don’t or else you need to-learn from the ground up. Stop humanizing wildlife and treat them with respect. Realize people make mistakes and that those that are fully willing to upload them to a large unknown and general public online and be honest and truthful have the animals best interest in mind and the ones that view this video.

Otherwise? Delete the video. I was alone. No one would ever have to know…. that I am not perfect. Sorry, but I’m not like that. You can be like however you want.

I do suggest though that you seek help. Your comment that I deserved to be attacked and possibly killed on camera by an animal because of mistakes I made are disturbing and not normal.

Thank you for watching. I only wish that you gained something from it, instead of criticizing a situation you cannot even understand.



Maybe it’s because it’s 5:23 on my day off, but I want to talk to you all about being fat in Japan.

It’s gonna be a bit of a ramble.

So I see fat people on a daily basis in Fukushima City. I wondered, at first, if it was because I wasn’t in Tokyo, and therefore was removed from a standard of fashion and body look, but I realized that no, no matter where you go in Japan, there is an expectation about your body and relation to space, and that weight loss, body policing, size, and the like are national, not just a Tokyo thing. Still, I see a lot of big bodies, particularly big women: women who are Watanabe Naomi size, twice the size of what a Japanese woman is supposed to be based on a desired average of no more than 110 pounds. I’d dare say that like America, most women deviate from that on either side.

Certainly, they don’t escape the critical eye of body policing in Japanese culture: they’re constantly under the scope, are likely to receive horribly invasive comments from Doctors, and like me, struggle to find clothing that doesn’t have a hideous floral print to hide our wide stomachs, thighs, and backsides.

However, they exist and inspire me.

Big girls here are stylish: they wear ankle pants, skants -wide legged pants, essentially- wear vibrant prints, pair layers, wear long cardigans that don’t hit right at the hip, don’t hide their bellies, and do everything I was told not to do so much of my life. Like I said, they’re not mythical: bigger bodies in Japan are heavily policed, are made comical and a joke, and are still not a positive thing overall, though certainly, La Farfa and Nissen’s Smileland line are changing my life at the very least.

There’s something so powerful about seeing that: about seeing big women break rules. I can’t wait to break them myself, especially in my new ankle pants.

As I start to turn my future towards one with costumes again, I think about what I’m saying about bodies in Japan: that we have a right to the same look. the same aesthetic and style, as thin bodies, as average bodies: that we want to be proud of our form, work hard to be healthy, but still want to dress and enjoy the skin we’re in. 

In fact, I’ve never felt healthy than living here: certainly I’ve lost weight, but anyone would if they walk 1,5 km -,9 miles, so basically, a mile by the time I cross to the East Exit at the central station- at least three times a week and rode a bicycle -roundtrip- half a km each day too. I also eat a lot of cabbage and veggies now: more than I did during grad school where my only veggies were the french fries at Wendy’s half the time, and I was a lot more depressed.

Fact is, I’m still big though, but I honestly… like it.

I feel energetic and healthy and proudly plump, wear clothes that work for my body now instead of hiding beneath layers. When it’s hot, I wear shorts and short sleeves and ankle socks that I get from the 100en store: when it’s cold, asymmetrical jackets and skinny jeans with leggings beneath for warmth. Skirts and tights, leggings beneath cute dresses in Spring. Tennis shoes always because I’m a teacher. And now, ankle pants that show my wide thighs and strengthed, 4th floor climbing calves. Pants that would be a big no-bo as a big person because they’re a bit more fitted.

Pants that make me happy.

My body is really nice now, basically. It’s fat and brown, has stretch marks, but it’s healthy and plus-sized and carries me through my day. Certainly, the kids know I’m big, but if it matters, it hasn’t come up yet. If anything, they tell me I’m a cute teacher and listen more for help with language, not watch to see if my hips can’t fit.

Certainly, Japan is not a fantasy for the fat person, but you have a right here too. No one should be denied a right to be feelin’ themselves because of body policing and shame: I’m not going to let anyone bar me from being happy here.

tl;dr: I’m a fat black person in Japan, with a big belly, big thighs, and a big backside, and I’m very, very beautiful. Especially in those ankle pants!

companion appearance headcanon

so, i saw one of these the other day and i thought it was a great idea for reference and all, so i decided i’d make my own. (i didn’t do codsworth but, if someone asks i will add him)

cait: 5'7 or 5'8. scary af. looks like she could literally fight a deathclaw with her bare fists. probably has never washed her hair nor shaved, couldn’t care less about her appearance. covered in freckles from head to toe. (especially on her back) and has extremely rough skin, plus plenty of scars from her past. weighs a steady 140-150 and is hella muscular. 

curie: 5'2 or 5'3. small woman with little dimples in her cheeks. very petite, but one hell of a fighter. her hair always looks freshly washed and she is always fully groomed. cares a whole lot about her appearance. she keeps her hair short for her own protection. literally has perfect skin. smooth milky white with a few freckles around her chest and always has silky smooth hands. everyone thinks she has a secret lotion stash. around 105-110 pounds, once again, small af. 

danse: 6'2 or 6'3. tall and thicc af. probably has the nicest ass out there (you can’t disagree). surprisingly barely any blemishes, but is littered in battle scars all over his body. shaves on a daily basis, or he’d look like more of a bear than he already does. has extremely rough hands and a few burns from laser weapon malfunctions. has some hella cute back dimples. perfect for big hugs. covered in body hair that requires a ton of effort to keep short. around 180-190 pounds. mostly muscle. hot damn.

deacon: 5'9 or 5'10. tries to keep himself as unnoticeable as possible. a natural ginger, but shaves his head and wears a black wig to blend in better. there’s no dye in the commonwealth, so his eyebrows remain ginger. has some rough skin, probably from all the surgeries. tries to keep himself cleanly shaved, not only for the obvious reasons, but also because he enjoys personal hygiene. weighs around 140-150 pounds. bases his whole diet around staying in an average shape. has absolutely no ass, once so ever and has a really adorable chin dimple. never takes off those goddamn sunglasses. not now, not ever. 

dogmeat: 3'2 or 3'3 on all fours. covered with the softest and cleanest fur ever, and is completely untouched by radiation (surprisingly). has a scar on his leg from before he met sole and is always well fed. weighs 75-80 pounds. also has a super wet nose the he’ll nudge into anyone who is up for cuddles

hancock: 5′7 or 5′8. tiny af, just like maccready. has absolutely no curve. his skin is really cratered and rough. eyes are completely jet black along with his skin. can’t really tell if he has scars or not because or his irradiated skin. he doesn’t have to shave anywhere around his body for obvious reason. he weighs around 125 pounds, mostly because he’s all skin and bones. but, he is filled personality. looks aren’t everything folks. 

maccready: also 5′7 or 5′8. probably has the worst teeth you will ever see in the commonwealth. (besides anything with no teeth.) he has extremely calloused hands, along with a reoccering bruise on his right shoulder because of his work as a sniper. plenty of scars scattered across his body after his work as a merc. weighs around 135 pounds (a bit more than hancock since he’s not irradiated and all). has a super cute chin dimple. super dirty hair and rarely shaves.

nick valentine: 5′11 or 6′0. for some reason all gen.2 synths are pretty tall. lanky but looks like he could take on a fight. dull grayish skin that feels like leather. exposed robotic parts in all different places. glowing yellow “eyes” and wrinkles around his eyes. weighs around 165-170 pound (with a little added weight since ya know, he’s made of metal. 

piper: 5′7 or 5′8. A tall and curvy woman with long black hair. Freckles litter her face and has an almost perfect hourglass figure. has some pretty thick thighs and has gained some muscle after being out with sole for so long. weighs around 150-155 pounds. her skin is mostly clear despite a few wrinkles. tries to keep herself as clean shaven as she can but, when she is out with sole for a long time she starts to grow some hair. 

preston: around 6′0. broad shoulders and a generally large body. super smooth skin with freckles that litter his shoulders and the top of his back. has a general baby face and has little blemishes or wrinkles. has some muscle from his work with the minutemen, and has started gaining some healthy fat from finally having a abundant food supply at sanctuary. weighs about 160-165 pounds. pretty healthy as his time with the new minutemen continues.

strong: 6′8 or 6′9. a tower of foul smelling green skin. extremely rough skin because of the FEV exposure. not too much to say about him besides big and green. weighs about 250-255 pounds.

X6-88: 6′0-6′1. super tall and built like a goddamn brick wall. not a single scar nor blemish because of the institute’s programming. has very light body hair, so he doesn’t have to shave very often. great for piggy back rides (if he allows(which is never)). weighs around 175-180 pounds. built like a fuckin’ brick wall.

this literally took me a month to write. i’m pretty happy with it though, and i think you can guess who my favorite is.

here’s something that happened to me last week that i can’t stop thinking about

i’m at the point where i just want to tell everyone i know about it individually but i mostly keep stopping because i feel like it’s going to make everyone really uncomfortable so obviously putting it here on tumblr where a thousand strangers can read it makes sense

just before my big awards event we put on last week i was standing around with my coworker who is about 110 pounds or something and always very fashionable. she was wearing this amazing dress and looked really great. i was also dressed for dinner and was not feeling particularly good about what i was wearing, but had managed to push it mostly out of my mind since being cute is sort of the last important thing on my list (let me clarify: it IS important since it’s business and in business you’re always judged by how you look at some level - but it’s not as important as all of the other things that were on my mind and i needed to keep it at that part of my brain).

anyway, we were chatting and our photographer, who we have worked with before, came up to us to say hi but what he did was address my coworker and say “you look absolutely stunning!” and she said “oh wow, thank you!” 

and then he looked at me -

and then he said nothing.

there was a pause, a long one, and i filled it by making up an excuse and leaving to go find something to do. and i had time to react.

in the first beat i was incredibly angry and hurt.

in the second beat i was absolutely grateful that he hadn’t made up some fake compliment for us to all pretend was the same as what he said to my coworker, some “oh i just love your… HAIR” moment.

and in the third beat, i hated myself completely. for how i look, for my empty smile, for having such a weak character as to be grateful for that kind of treatment.

and anyway, that’s where i’m still at.

i currently weigh 122 pounds and my goal weight is 120 pounds. my next goal weight is 115 pounds, then 110, and 105. i’ve realized i’m never going to be happy no matter how much weight i lose and it fucking scares me.