10k in 4 days

What I really love is how Tsuyu has surpassed the bnha fandom and like,, everyone knows and loves her. I have seen so many supportive posts that are like “I hope the frog girl from that one anime is having a good day” I really love that. It is so pure and good. Tsuyu truly deserves this.

I’m coming back from my brief hiatus to say this.

So, basically every time I’ve made a post saying that more readers need to review and reblog the fics they like, I’ve been told I’m entitled and that it’s not up to readers to get me to update and, other than the fact that these people are assholes, saying it isn’t up to readers to provide motivation is such utter bullshit.

Listen, at any given time I’m probably working on 3-5 multi-chapter fics and I don’t write short chapters. Most of my multi-chap fics are 4K words on the low end and (on average) 10K on the high end. I also try to be good about updating and usually update my fics once per week. Now, when I spend 3-4 days working on a 10K chapter for a fic and I get 14 reviews and <60 notes, that fic becomes a very low priority to me. Sure, it’s up to me to write it, but when I have three other fics that are generating more noise, why the hell am I going to waste my time on the fic that’s getting radio silence which is slowly making me lose any and all motivation to work on it? Fun fact: I’m not. I will drop that fic like in a heartbeat because I have better things to spend my time on.

Do you have to review and reblog fics? No, you don’t, but it’s kind of nice if you do, considering how many hours writers put into their work. And if you read a fic and never once leave a reblog, you don’t have the right to bitch about it when the writer stops updating it.

Jay Park short Story (rewritten)

This is not new, but I have rewritten it, because I just didn’t like the “you” point of view. I added a couple of things and tried to get rid of all the mistakes :D 

Hope you guys like this, I might rewrite a couple of the older ones.  The old Scenarios are still up in all their parts so if you want you can read them. 

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 

******

Originally posted by jaywalkerzz

Word count: 10k

It was my first day at work in a foreign country and I don’t even know the language… Amazing. “Y/N aren’t you happy? I mean you’re working with a really good company. The CEO knows how to speak English, don’t worry too much about that.” Yeah.. I don’t even know what the CEO looks like. Perfect. “Who the F is the CEO, can you tell me that too?”  “WHAT? You don’t know what the CEO of the company looks like? Hun, you’re going to be his assistant?”  “Well, no. MY chef just told me that he speaks English that’s all. But I have to leave now okay? I’ll call you later. Bye.” 

Huuh, where did I have to go to again? Even though this was my second time in Seoul I still had a hard time. Well, the first time I came was just for parties and spending time with friends. How should I have known that I’ve been accepted into the label? “Gosh, I can’t even read this plan.” The Minutes passed by and I had to hurry, but eventually I gave up and called a taxi, I showed the driver the address and tried to think about what I had to say at the entrance. 

“Thank you.” you said to the driver, handing him the money. The building was huge; the design was kept simple, not too much. The front door was locked, you had to ring the door and wait for someone to answer.

The voice coming from the speaker spoke Korean, and there my first problem started, I didn’t know how to speak Korean. “Excuse me.. I can’t speak Korean. Can you speak English please?”  “Sure, but what’s the matter?” “Well I’m Y/N, the CEOs new assistant. I’m sorry, I’m late I had to take a taxi.” But nothing, it was quite for a couple of seconds, and then the man bursted out in laughter. “WHAT? You’re like the 5th person to say that.” Hm? “I’m sorry but I don’t get it.” “What don’t you get huh? Someone spread that Jays CEO would come today, and came over saying the same things like you did. Now leave, please.”  “But Sir, you can look up my name, I am me…” I am me? Really Y/N “urgh,.. Sir I’m late for work please open the door.” “You should go to your working place then, please leave. We’re going to call the real assistant anyways.”  “Sir that won’t work.” “Why shouldn’t it?” “Sir,… well. The assistant is from another country right? That means her phone won’t work here.” The man sighed. “You’re a freaking stalker aren’t you, who told you that.– Or wait, I don’t care. Please go, I’m asking you nicely.” I chose to not make it worse, and just leave it as it is. “I’m gonna be late for fucks sake but okay.” 

It was already 1 Pm now, I had to be there at 12.30 pm. “How are they going to call me? My phone blocks foreign numbers..” Another 30 Minutes had passed when my phone rang. “Hello?” “Y/N, I’m Samuel. The label called me? Why are you so late? You can’t do that on your first day!”  “Sir, I didn’t do anything. I was here at 12.20, but they just won’t let me in, the security guy doesn’t believe me, and I even told him that he can’t call me because I can’t answer foreign calls. He just called me a stalker and told me to leave several times.”  “Just go back and tell them my name also. They’ll let you in then, and no matter what, excuse yourself even if it’s not your fault.” Sure.

Another try it is. “Hello?” “Hello, I’m Y/N, my boss’ name is Samuel.” “Oh, I’m sorry for making you wait. Get in.” Finally. The door opened with a buzz, and I walked in rather angry, the security let me pass without using the detectors because they knew I was late already… because of them. So I ran up the stairs, not even waiting for an elevator, sweating like crazy, almost fainting because I can’t really focus on breathing now, but - I made it up to the 5th floor. The cafeteria had to be here to - yeah I thought about eating now - the smell of coffee was strong here. Stronger than I wanted it to be actually. 

OUCH, are you blind?!” I yelled at the stranger in front of me. “I’m so so sorry. I didn’t see you coming.”  “I can tell!”  My shirt, it was ruined. “What am I supposed to do now? This is my first day here, I can’t walk around like this in front of the CEO!” I angrily pointed at my shirt, “Wait what? The CEO?” the boy asked. He was kinda tall, had a lot of tattoos, one on his chest, which was revealed by his wide shirt. “YEA. I have to work for him, but because of your stupidity I look like I haven’t washed myself in 10 years!” “Well, I think I can help you out-” he said with a smirk, “-my name is–” but before he could talk I yelled again. “I don’t care, I don’t need your help. Just get the fuck out of my way, I’m late already.” I said, before running off again.

“Hello, I’m Y/N. I’m the CEOs new assistant. I’m late, sorry.”  “Ahh that’s you? He already knows why you’re late so it’s fine don’t worry, he left a couple minutes ago, he should be back in no time.. But what happened to your shirt?” The secretary looked at me like I was an alien, but yeah, showing up like that on the first day wasn’t a good Idea. “Oh.. That’s… well on my way here someone spilled his coffee on me..” “Oh.. okay. I’ll guide you into his room, wait there okay?” She walked me to his room, and left immediately after. I felt stupid like that, but I was glad she knew how to speak English as well. 

Around ten minutes passed, before the rooms door opened. I stood up and faced the door just to see him. The guy with the Coffee. “Hello Y/N, I’m Jay Park. AOMGs CEO, I’m sorry for what happened earlier, but I got you one of our shirts, I think that’s better smelling for the rest of the day.” He said, while giving me a wide smile. 

******

His secretary told me where the restroom was, so I could change my shirt. “I fucked up. He’s going to fire me. FUCK.” I spoke to yourself. Why didn’t I think about it, why? After I changed I walked back to his office, on my way back I actually thought about going back home without saying a word, but maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t that pissed about my choice of words. “Does it fit?” he asked as soon as he saw me. “Yea, thank you.” “Don’t need to, after all it was my fault.”  “About that.. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have talked that way.” “It was my fault, you really don’t have to be sorry. I had to be careful.” “No no, I was just hurrying, I should watch my steps the next time.”

“I see this is going to go back and forth, so we should leave it. Anyways, I’m glad you’re here, and I heard about what happened, I know why you’re late. Just sit down, we’ll talk about your work okay. Let’s start from the beginning.” I nodded and then sat down on the chair in front of his desk. He seemed to be nice now, but he had a bad boy vibe going on. But no matter how he was as a human, he was my boss now. “Did your old boss tell you what you have to do here?” Old boss, what? “Well, he just said that you needed someone here.”  “Nothing more? He just said that I needed something and you didn’t even blink an eye and came over? Isn’t that dangerous?”  “Well, Sir. That’s my job. I’m an assistant, for people like you, rapper, singer, actors. And even if it’s a different country, the work I have to do is always the same thing. Nothing changes.”  “See, I don’t know how good you are, but I don’t want someone to work with me who doesn’t know how to do things, you have to know your job and be good at it, in order to stay here.” At this point he was just being a salty bitch. “I take my job seriously, and you have to do so too, okay?” 

“Sir, my job is important for me. I didn’t leave my home, just to be lazy and do nothing. Just show me what my workplace is, and I’ll do my job without getting in your way.”  “You better do so. And don’t call me Sir okay? We have a family like atmosphere here, you can call me Jay. Don’t be so formal.”  “I’ll do that of course.” “You can go home now actually, we don’t have so much to do today. And since this is your first day, we’ll have a small “welcome party” later on, just show up on time, and don’t dress formal, like i said. We’re close here.” “Hm, thank you.” “Oh yeah wait. This is yours now, At least as long as you work here, you can use it for personal stuff as well. We can’t call your number so don’t bother to buy anything new, just take this. I have the number; I’ll send you the address and time later on.” He handed me a phone, which looked pretty new, it was local so I wouldn’t have problems with calling people. After that I thanked him again and left, it wasn’t late and I didn’t know what to do, so I decided to go grocery shopping, since I didn’t really have stuff at home. The time passed by and I was still walking around, I had to be at the karaoke bar at 8 PM, I still had three hours. 

I wanted to call my friends and family, but since it was too late were I came from I couldn’t do that either. It was 6.30 when I got home, so I just took a quick shower and got ready. I decided to wear Jeans, white Vans, and a loose white shirt, it was comfy, it looked classy though. It was half past 7 when I was done, and because I still didn’t know Seoul I called a taxi again. “This is going to be expensive; I should get to know this town as fast as I can.” The venue was close to my house, it didn’t take long to get there. It took about 15 Minutes and that even with traffic going on. 

“Hey, you’re here already.” Jay walked into my direction, greeted me with a big smile. “Yea, Thanks for having me.” He nodded and told me to get in. So many people were here, and it looked like the place was closed for others… And I were right, Jay walked up to the stage, and almost yelled out my name, “This is Y/N guys, she’s my new assistant, be nice to her, she can’t speak Korean.” He said, leaving me with a blank expression, because I didn’t see that coming. “Oh,.. hey. Nice to meet all of you.” 

 

Everything happened pretty quickly. Some of them hugged me, the others just greeted me, even if I wasn’t able to learn their names yet. They were nice over all. Some of them were drinking, others just talked, a girl called Jinwha talked to me a lot, so I didn’t actually feel left out. I drank a bit too, not too much since I decided to walk home, but not drinking wouldn’t be nice either. “Y/N, don’t you want to sing too?” another tattooed boy, called me over but I kindly refused. I didn’t like to sing or rap in front of people. “Ah come on over here. That’s a tradition.” Sure.. So I got up, and made them chose a song. The alcohol in my body slowly started to show its effect, I was so damn ready for every song even if it was Korean. 

A random rap started, it was English, and I was able to follow the lyrics. I had fun, I liked it, and my confidence was over the top. “WOW, that was so good, are you sure you don’t want to be a rapper instead?” Someone else said, and everyone was looking at me with a shocked expression, “Nah man, I’m good like that.” Yea, Jay was right, the atmosphere was perfect, I met nice people and all of them knew how to speak English. Jay was having his fun too, and not like today in the office, he was nice to me and really cute actually. His image was weird though, at some points he was an ass, a bad boy, but now all of a sudden he’s nice. But the day got to an end, it was 2 AM now and it was hard to believe that I’ve been in a karaoke bar for so long. 

Some of my new friends were too drunk to drive, so others brought them home. “Thanks for everything guys, it was a great night.” I said, before saying Goodbye to everyone. Actually, since it was so late, and no one was on the street I was kinda scared to walk alone, but I didn’t have enough money with me to get a taxi again. “Why are you walking home?” “WHAT THE-” “NO SWEARWORDS.” “Oh god,you scared me..” “Oh you’re already calling me a god huh, we didn’t even know each other.” It was jay, he had a smirk in his face, but he looked hella tired. “What even are you?” “Anyways, why are you alone here, it’s late.”  “Well,.. I don’t want to spend so much money on taxis every single day.”  “Let me walk you home then, it’s dangerous to be alone so late… especially for girls like you.” Like me? “What?” “Nothing.. So tell me something about you.” Weirdo much? “Uhmm.. I’m 25 years old. I’m Eurpean…” “That’s all? What about your life? Do you have a boyfriend?” “Huh?… No never really had time for that.” “Never?”  “Well maybe as a teenager but not now.” 

He didn’t talk for the rest of the way, and right in front of my door, he started again. “I’m glad to have you here. I hope we can work well together. Good night.” “Good night.” I said and turned around, trying to avoid any other type of weirdness. 

Wait.” he said, he spinned me around, pulling me extremely close to his body, you felt his abs being pressed against you. “You are slow at getting things I guess.” What,what, what. “Excuse me?” “I like you, I think.” “We just met.”  “But you were so cute today, when you cussed me out, how you rapped my song just now, everything.” “I think you drank a little bit too much, jay.”  His grip loosened, ”Sorry, I didn’t want to scare you, I don’t want to do anything bad, that’s just how I feel.” You felt his breath in your face, and you could tell that he was drinking too much.

You made my mind turn in no second. All I thought about was you today.” His face got closer to yours, his eyes fixed on your lips, and I could tell what he was going for. “Jay, no. You’re drunk. Stop.” I said, while lightly pushing him back. He almost fell over, and I was actually scared to send him back home like that. “You know what, stay here for tonight, it’s not safe as a drunk person.” 

So you want to spend the night with me? You can’t say no to me either, huh?” “You can thank god now, because if you weren’t my boss, I would’ve killed you already.” “I don’t think so..” he said while tumbling around. How does that even work, he was “normal” just seconds ago. Jay was now leaning against my shoulder, walking up the stairs. It wasn’t that difficult actually, he was able to hold his body up, and kinda walk on his own. 

“I don’t have anything here to give you. You have to sleep in your clothes. I’ll wake you up tomorrow, or if you should wake up before I do, just leave, you don’t need to do anything. I’ll clean up before going to work.” “But sleeping like that isn’t comfy Y/N, why can’t you be here too… ” He pouted acted like a child, which was quite cute actually. “I’m sorry but I never thought about having drunken guests here, during my first weeks.”  "Oh wait.“ What is he trying to do again? Try and fit into my stuff?

“I’ll just sleep without my clothes.” Before I could say anything he took off his shirt, revealing all of his Tattoos, and his abs. Leaving me rather speechless. “Why are you staring?” He looked at me with a weird look in his face; he was probably too drunk to smirk. “Do whatever you want to do, there’s the couch, and it should be big enough. I’ll get you a pillow and a blanket.”  I turned around as fast as I could, to hide that blush in my face. “Where did I put them?…. Ah here.”

“I’m sorry about the colour, but you can live with that I gue-” The Image I saw, put a huge smile on my face. When I entered the living room, I saw jay, fully asleep, crouched on the couch.  The same thought from before, appeared again. How can someone who’s that badass, be so cute just seconds later. As I walked over to him, I still had a smiling face, I tried to lift his head up lightly, to put the pillow under it, and then covered the rest of his body with the blanket. So I walked back to my own room, “Is this even safe? Should I lock the door?”, but I decided not to. It couldn’t be that dangerous; I brushed my teeth, and put on my PJs. 

“Why on earth are you still awake? Isn’t it like 2 AM???” It was my friend; she sent me a message… And I had to admit, she was right. It was pretty late, and considering that I had to work in 7 hours,.. I should be asleep now. 
“I just came back home. I’m in bed now. hehe” 
NOW? WHERE TF WHERE YOU?” 
“Chill. My boss had a party, to kinda say welcome. With all the other employees. ” 
“Oh. That’s nice. How was it? Call me, tell me about your company.” 
“… Hun. I can’t call you now… Someone is sleeping in the living room.”
WHAT?! HOW, I THOUGHT YOU DON’T KNOW ANYONE? TF Y/N.” 
“Oh come on. I’m not that stupid… It’s Jay. I know who he is, he’s drunk, he walked me home.” 
“….. I Can’t believe you Y/N. You’re acting like that’s a Good thing. LET ME REPEAT. HE WAS DRUNK AND WALKED YOU HOME.”
“Well… he wasn’t that drunk when we were walking… IDK everything is so weird. Like uurgh.” 
“What happened, wanna talk about it?”
“Yeah I guess. I need your opinion on this. Look, first of all I fucked up just when the day started. They didn’t want to let me in because they thought I was a weird stalker right. So then when I was allowed to enter the company, I was running late already. So I ran upstairs, just to be greeted by a guy and his coffee. He spilled it all over me, and you know me, I cursed him out, but like I didn’t care in that minute I just had to run to his office. And when I was there he wasn’t in his office, so I had to wait.” 

“Fuck Y/N :D But then?” 
“Well… the guy from before came into the room and I was close to swearing again,… But “Thank god” he stopped me by saying that he was Jay Park, the companies CEO. Fuck right?“ 
"Nooo way, really? But he knew you were in a rush right? He knew you had to hurry? And that you were stressed? Please for gods sake Y/N.” 
“He knew, and he apologized several times, and of course so did I. He gave me a new shirt and stuff…”
“So he’s a nice guy? Y/N come one tell me the rest in one go.”
I don’t know. FUCK. Look his tattoos make him look Badass af. But when he talked to me the first time he was really really nice. But then, when he told me what my job was he was like really,… how can I say? He wasn’t really mean but he acted like I wasn’t taking the situation as serious as I should. But trust me I did. And then he was like nice again, telling me that I don’t have to be formal, and that he organized something for the night. Sounds kinda normal right? So later when I arrived at the location, he was nice again, smiling and stuff, he introduced me to everyone and had fun (we were at a karaoke bar). But from time to time when his friends talked to him about me, or generally to him, he was kinda cold. But it wasn’t something he continued doing, he was nice, then mean, nice again, and then mean. LIKE TF IS WRONG.” 
Tf? Maybe,.. just maybe, he’s on his ladys days? I would freak out Y/N, I’m proud of you. Let’s hope he’s not like that every time.” 
“No wait that’s not all. When everyone was leaving I walked back home okay. Because taking the taxi every time would be tooo expensive. Soo I walked, and he came up to me saying that it would be too dangerous. He walked with me and we talked and stuff. I could tell that he was drunk but he didn’t really act like someone who’s drunk. But right in front of the door he hugged me extremely tightly, and told me he had feelings for me LIKE WHAT. He tried to kiss me, and that’s when I got that he was drunk, and I walked him up, now he’s here sleeping.” 
WHAT THE FUCK Y/N GET HIM OUT! ARE YOU SURE HE’S SLEEPING?” 
“Yea, He’s snoring here. I swear, and promise, I’m safe don’t worry, It’s just really weird.” 
“…. I’ll let go okay. Just tell me that you’re fine tomorrow okay? Don’t make me worry.” 
“Okay, I’ll sleep now. Goodnight.” 
“Night sweety." 

*****

My eyelids felt heavy, I just wanted to sleep at this point, but my brain didn’t want to shut up, I thought about everything that happened. ”Does he really have feelings for me? Because that makes no sense, I mean, he met me this morning, I yelled at him. How can he fall in love… But he was drunk wasn’t he, so it could be his imagination. But they also say drunken people tell the truth also… Arghh.“ Everything was so confusing, but I chose to sleep, and not think about it. 

When I woke up the next morning I hoped for him to be gone, but when I looked at the clock, I saw that I had to wake up. ”Oh FUCK. I’m late again.“ Is he still here? I thought, but lucky me, he was gone already, and he folded the blanket. ”Hmm what’s this smell?“ Without thinking about him being still there, I walked into the kitchen, just to see a plate with breakfast on it, and a Mug of coffee too. "Don’t come before eating this. I don’t care if you’re late.” he even wrote a note.

“He’s the boss, if he says so, I should do it.” I ate the food, almost chugged the coffee and then left for work, I was 15 Minutes late, but he said that it was fine, though I still tried to hurry. “Good Morning.” I said to the secretary, “Good Morning, Y/N. Jay is already waiting for you.” “Oh okay, is everything alright?” “I don’t know really.

"Good morning. Sorry, I’m late again.” He looked at me, almost piercing with his look. “It’s your second day, and you’re late again. Do you want to get fired?” What? “Don’t be like that to her. Things happen.” Who’s that now? Sorry, I’m the co-CEO and don’t worry, even if you’re his assistant, he can’t fire you, if he does, I’ll make sure to find work for you. So you’re not just a visitor in Korea.

Oh….” I stood there, not knowing what to do. What is that supposed to mean, am I getting fired? “Anyways, I need you in two hours, I have nothing for you to do now. Someone is going to send a shit load of emails, and you have to answer them, they are for an interview or something, I knew the questions and wrote down the answers beforehand, just find the right answers to the questions and talk a little bit more formal than I did. Until then…. I don’t know, do whatever you want, maybe walk around and look at the building.” What? Isn’t he supposed to do that as my boss? “Okaaay,.. I’ll be back in two hours then? I guess? And again, I’m sorry for being late..” “Whatever.” He moved his hands around, to show me that it’s fine, I looked at the co-CEO, who was smiling at me, and then slightly bowed down.


After I left the room, I had to wait a couple of seconds, to just understand what just happened. “Is everything okay, Y/N?” The secretary, whose name I still didn’t know, was staring at me. “You’re paler than before? Did something happen?” “What? No no, I’m fine.” I bowed down again and started walking towards the elevator. “Didn’t he write down that I was allowed to be late? The F is wrong with him? And what am I supposed to do now? Alone.

Hey Y/N. Wait.“ Hm? "Oh, hello sir.” It was the co-CEO, he was catching up his breath. “Wait, you can’t just walk around alone, can you? My name is Simon by the way, you don’t have to call me sir.” “Ohh, okay. I’ll keep that in mind.” “I’m sorry, I wasn’t able to say hello yesterday, but I had work to do.” “It’s okay…” Yes. It was awkward, I didn’t like to walk around next to him, I thought that he was just like Jay. So with him by my side, I just walked. I didn’t know where I should go, but I had to do something. “Let me show you around Y/N-“  Oh fuck. -The entrance area and the first two floors are not important for our employees. We mostly have our interviews there..- hmmm - I think the most important thing should be the rooftop.” Simon headed towards the elevator and pressed the buttons for it to come down. 

“I know that this is awkward for you but, I promise I’m not like jay. I know he can be mean sometimes, I’m not gonna scold you because of something that isn’t your fault.” When he said that the tension loosened a bit, it wasn’t weird at this point. But even if, my problem was something else. “Do you want something to drink? Tea, Coffee, Water? Anything?” “Cold water would be great?” Simon turned around, and walked towards the isle, the floor looked like a kitchen, there was an oven, a microwave, a fridge, a snackbar, everything. I just watched Simon while he was walking, he was kinda tall, his hair was dark brown, and his eyes were too, as you could see from here, his eyes were full of life and over all, he looked mature.

Here. It should be cold enough.” He gave me a bottle of cold water and made his way to the glass door, and then I was there, at the rooftop. “Let’s sit down for a bit. Tell me something about you, you’re also my employee after all.” Not again.. “Well you probably know the basic things,… but to be honest, there isn’t that much to tell about me. I have a boring life.” He laughed a bit about my comment. “Ah don’t say that. The others said you were quite funny, but they also mentioned that you didn’t even drink that much.”  "Oh yea, I don’t really like to drink too much when I know I have to work or I have to walk alone.“ I tried to make sense but I didn’t. I was walked home, and I also managed to get late to work. "Ahh,… I wouldn’t necessarily say that that’s boring, you’re just thinking about your safety. Drinking and going back home late at night isn’t safe so you did the right thing.” I just nodded, and didn’t say anything else. 

You’re a really shy person aren’t you?”   “No no actually, I’m not. It’s just..-”  “Is everyting alright Y/N, did something happen yesterday? Did they say something?” He sat straight in his chair, with a worried expression, but how could I tell him that the CEO was hitting on me? “It’s nothing important. Everyone was nice really, you don’t need to worry about that.”  “Ohhh, I know what’s wrong. Yah, I really hoped that, that wouldn’t be a problem. It’s Jay right? He called me this morning and told me what happened.” He did what? “What did he say?..”  ”He called me at 5 AM I think, and he said something like ‘Hyung I messed up, and to be honest at first I thought he did something bad, but then he was like, ‘There is a girl I like and I confessed, but I was drunk, I didn’t want to confess already’. He was really scared that you would come over and cause a ruckus. He thought that you would literally kill him, after he scolded you. But you didn’t say anything and I do respect you for that. So he knows? “Let me be honest, I didn’t believe him, and I still don’t, here at work he is kinda mean, I can’t really say anything about that, since it’s been like one and a half days, but at the party and later on he was so nice and cute too, but then again today at work-”  ”he’s always like that when he respects and likes someone. He’s not that good when it comes to showing affection.“  "So you really think he likes me?” WHAT, WHY DID I SAY THAT? You blushed like crazy and tried to look away from Simon. What is he thinking now? He probably thinks I’m a weirdo or something. 

Ah yea, actually I think he does. Drunken people mostly say the truth, but the way he talked to me today… I could really feel that he was sad; he doesn’t call me hyung that often. Hyung is something he says when he’s more serious. And the reason why he acts so cold here is because one: he doesn’t want to show his weak side, and two: I was there, he didn’t want me to see how he would act around you if you were alone, he said that right after you left. It’s not good for his image you know?” Simon smiled at me, he was genuine, didn’t lie. He didn’t talk about that topic again; he clearly saw how uncomfortable I was. It was great to talk about that, to just get it out of my head. We continued talking for a while, and then he showed the rest of the building. It was a nice place with some resting areas, which was good for me actually. And after 2 hours were over, he guided me back to the office. “Good luck at your first real Job, Y/N.“ 

"Hey, I’m back.” I walked in slowly, he just sat on his desk and pointed at the table on the other side of the room. He built up a computer, and a comfy looking chair, and from what I could see, everything was already opened and I was able to start. So I sat down without saying anything else, and started with my work, but I felt his gaze on you… Jay was staring, and he didn’t even bother to look away. 
“Y/N…” Hm? “Yeah?" 

"I’m sorry…” 

What?”  "Yesterday, I’m sorry for the things I’ve said. Even if they were meant to be nice,… It’s just.. I shouldn’t have done that as your boss, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I still hope you enjoy working here, with us.“ I smiled at him, he was sincere, and as long as he keeps his thoughts for himself, I should be fine. "It’s okay, I’ll be comfortable. Just try and.. don’t do something like that again please. But actually, there is something that bothers me a little.-” Jay looked at me with wide eyes now, “What is it?”.  "Oh well. I’ll tell you later I guess. The first Emails are already coming in, and like I said yesterday, I’m not joking around when it comes to work.“ A smiled formed on my lips, and he-.. well, he was freaking out on the inside, and that was quite funny to watch.

The work I had to do was easier than I thought it would be, re-writing his answers, and writing normal business emails, wasn’t really a challenge, so I was never stressed, even if the emails came in like crazy. The day was long, and after awhile my back was aching, sitting like that for hours wasn’t something my back would thank you for. But the noise of the door caught me off guard and I jumped a little, ”Jay, almost everyone left now, I have to go to, don’t forget to lock the studio okay?“  "Yea, I’ll do that.” They left? It’s not even late?“ 

Most of our employees go home early, but they start like at 6 AM, some of them even come back at Midnight, and practice or write stuff, the major rooms are always locked, but the resting area is mostly open. Just secretaries and assistants have shifts.“ Jay said, knowing what I was thinking, answering my unspoken question. ”And you should take a break too now, it’s been a couple of hours and I don’t want you to overwork yourself. Your break is actually one and a half hours, but it’s up to you how you want to use it during the day.“ 

"Okay, I guess I won’t be gone for too long.”  ”Why, there are really nice places around here.“  "I’m still new here, I have to walk around a bit after work, or else I’ll get lost.” “Oh,.. I understand.” I left the office, and directly headed to the rooftop, I’ve been here earlier with Simon. The smell of coffee was still really strong here, but I was hungry. “Hmmm… Ramyun is good enough for now I guess.” I made myself ramyun and got a cold drink.

As always, I put my earphones in and started to listen to music while eating. It was something I did out of a habit now, but it was relaxing. 

This is all so weird; I left everything and everyone back home, without knowing what I’d be doing here. It was stupid. And dangerous, like jay said earlier. How was I stupid enough to do something like that, I came here without even knowing who my boss was, what type of a company it is. Nothing. But I did it. Do I regret it? I’m not sure. It was definitely nice here, even if it was in the middle of a city. The people were nice; everyone tried to help, if it was outside, or at home. Do I like my job? Well yea, it’s something I’ve been doing for a long time, it’s fun for me. My colleagues are also really nice, funny, and open minded. So everything was fine,… but why am I feeling so bad all of a sudden? 

Was it really jay? I thought about it already, every time I could. Why were his actions making me feel so bad? It’s not the fact that he kept saying that he had feelings for me. Not at all. But something in Simons words made me think about him.  'He’s not that good when it comes to showing affection’ but why did he say all of that yesterday? After all that’s also showing affection to someone. Why would he love me? After all he just met me right? But if it wasn’t serious, why would Simon react like that? One question after another…

The time passed by and I slowly ate my food, my back felt better and the clean air kinda woke me up again. But by the time I finished my ramyun, the air got colder, and it looked like it would rain soon. I threw away the leftovers, and got another drink for work. As I walked down I realized that almost all of the doors were closed, no one was here at this point… well not no one, but it wasn’t as crowded like normally. “You’re back? Not even a second too late. Impressive.”  "I told you, didn’t I?“ ”But what’s the thing in your hand? Water? I’m sorry, you can’t drink that here.“  "But it’s hot and I’m going to stay here for a while.”  "Fine… step back and then drink, please. The computer could get wet.”

 

My shift was over after a couple of hours, it wasn’t that hard and I left the building as a happy person. Since the weather was nice, I chose to walk back home, it wasn’t dark and the weather cooled down more, and luckily there was no rain. The streets were nice, clean, and even if it was the main street it wasn’t loud. My way was pretty long like that, but I enjoyed the walk, it took away the stress from the past two days. The sound of my phone broke the silence though, I got a message, from an unknown number. 

“Hey, it’s me jay. I just want to say sorry again. It was stupid, and I swear I won’t ever do it again. It’s just I really have feelings for you… But anyways, let’s forget it okay? Just act like nothing happened. It’ll be the best for both of us. And please don’t answer this message." 

What is that now? No let’s forget, that’s a good Idea. Perfect, I can work like always now, without a weird atmosphere. The rest of the way was even more relaxing now that I knew he was over it. Ah thank god. 

When I arrived at home it was late, not too late, but I was tired now, and all I could think of was sleeping. Since I didn’t really sleep yesterday. At home I talked to my family, and friends, ate and then just watched some TV. I felt so free, now that he was willing to stop. At 10 PM I decided to sleep, my eyelids felt heavy, and my body was exhausted too. But every time I closed my eyes I saw him. His face, the message, everything.

****

Why do I have to think about him? Why am I seeing his face over and over again? His message, his words, why? His smile… oh his smile. When he greeted me in front of the bar,.. his smile was so bright… WAIT WHAT NO. DO NOT FALL FOR HIM. FOR FUCKS SAKE NO Y/N-

No that’s probably just a crush… I mean I really like it when people smile a lot and bright… Yeah, yeah, thats it. No falling in love, no nothing. I’m just stressed, my mind is confused. 

I tried to calm down, in order to sleep, but the more I thought about it, the less sleepy I got. When I came to Korea I didn’t think about being confronted with these types of things. No one would. “I need to sleep now; I can’t go to work too late again…” I somehow managed to fall asleep, but I felt tired, even when I woke up. Half heartedly, I started to make breakfast, just one scrambled egg, and coffee. I didn’t want to eat, but starving was not an option either. 

I slowly got ready and then walked down to call a taxi again, today I was at work by the time I had to, not too late, not too early. “Good Morning Y/N.” “Good morning.” I said before walking into jays office, I could feel my heartbeat, it was going crazy now. But being in love with him, was not an option. Good morning Y/N.” Huh? “Good morning Simon…” He smiled at me and then waved me over to my working place, “Jay is not going to be here for this week. We totally forgot to tell you, he has a concert over in America. I was supposed to be there too, but I have things to do over here, so I stayed.”  "Oh. So I’m gonna be working with you this week?“  ”Hmm. Yea looks like you have too, that’s fine for you right? Because since I’m not your boss you don’t have too. Normally you have to be with Jay, he thought it would be too sudden, that’s why he told me to take care of you.“  "Yea, that’s alright for me.” Maybe even perfect… I had enough time to relax and get a clear mind. 

It’s your third day here right Y/N? Do you like it so far?”  ”Well, I didn’t really have something to do, but I know what I have to do, and everyone here is really nice.“  ”Yea, we’re really family-like. I’m glad you like it here, our employees well-being is really important for us. Talk to us when you have problems okay?“  "Yea Sir, I’ll do that.”  "What did I say about you calling me sir again?“  "Sorry, Simon.” I said with a smile. It was nice being with him, I had enough time to forget about Jay, and he was a generally nice person, no mood swings, no nothing. Simon gave me some work to do, like going over his interviews or reports, just to make sure everything was right, then going over the lyrics of some rappers, because of the same reasons. I also had to answer some phone calls, emails etc. Throughout the day I met some other employees and found out that Simon called the Secretary by “Yuna”, she often came over and brought coffee for the two of us, and also some snacks, because today it was really hot. Unlike Jay he had no problems with eating in the office, he just made sure that everything was clean afterwards. 

Simon, on that day, asked if I wanted to be his company because he had to run so errands. “Thanks for coming with me, I’d die doing all of this alone. And I need your help too.” “Ah, it’s fine really. I wanted to go out anyways since the weather is so nice.” We walked around town for a while, he bought some groceries and showed a side of his, I never thought he had. Simon was just so nice and happy all the time and now, what he said really sat in. He was able to be himself everywhere, Jay on the other hand would have a difficult time. Elderly People came up to him, asking what his job was, since a lot of young girls and boys where asking for autographs and pictures. They asked if he was a celebrity and Simon was just so humble and showed a lot of respect. I don’t think that Jay wouldn’t do that but Simon was just so outgoing and full of life.

“You’re hungry? There’s a bar down here, they should open soon and they have really really good food.” “Yeah, sure. Let’s go.” We weren’t really talking much now, since we were tired but it was great to just spend a day with a friend. “So. Did anything change between Jay and you?” Simon was smirking, somehow knowing how I feel, but then he had this warm smile on his face again and put a hand on my shoulder. “You fell for him right?” “… well. I guess.” “Let’s sit down and talk okay?” I felt like my steps got faster and faster, honestly I just wanted to talk. “I’ll get Soju and Lamb skewers. And you?” The waiter looked quite interested, probably because I looked quite funny reading the menu. Jesus… I still don’t know how to read Korean… “Yeah, I’ll get the same.” Simon just chuckled, again knowing what my problem was. “How do you even do this? How do you always know what I’m thinking?” “I don’t know actually. It’s pretty easy. But that’s not the thing. Tell me. What made you fall for him?” “Urgh… I wish I knew. Is it just the way he is… or his smile… the way his eyes look when he’s laughing…-“ What… “Oh fuck, this is so embarrassing…” I blushed like crazy but tried to brush it off. Simon, again, was having none of that. “You fell from head to toe.-“ he had a big smile on his face but continued talking. “-I could tell. But did he say anything else? I mean he should at least talk to you about what he did.” “Well he texted me but he didn’t want me to answer… so I didn’t. I mean I don’t know him too well, neither does he. Isn’t that just weird?” “No. Honestly no. The vibe going on between the both of you is just… you guys are made for each other. But as I told you. He has a hard time expressing his feelings. When he’s happy he’s either really bubbly and shy about it. Or he acts really cold. And let me tell you, when he’s the happiest, he’s the coldest.” “So you really think that… you know…-“ “Yeah, I really think he loves you. Let’s just give him time, I really want him to make the first real sober step okay?” “Okay… thank you.” Simon continued talking, really showing that he’s a great friend. And actually being one of your closest friends after that day.

****

The days passed by, and all I did was working and going home. Not because it was too tiring, I just didn’t know anyone or any place to go after work, my new friends at worked asked if I wanted to hang out with them, but no… They were always drinking or going to bars which weren’t my cup of tea. But it was still a good first week of work, not to difficult to get used to, the people were nice and so were the CEOs. 

I was at home today, it was Sunday, and I didn’t have to work. The television was on, and while the music program - the only show I somewhat understood - was on, I made breakfast. This time more than just bread. I bought Kimchi the other day, and some Ramen. Made that for breakfast, and some Tea also. As I walked over to my phone, I saw that the light was going on and off. Someone has sent a message. 

“Hey, I’m back. Sorry for leaving without a word. I hope you were able to work well with Simon. I’ll be there from tomorrow on. - J.P”   He’s back... But did my feelings change yet? I didn’t think about him for the past days, and even now nothing was changing. I knew I wasn’t in love’ I told myself. And… I didn’t think about him, not even for a second the rest of the day. 

Good morning Y/N, I’m sorry again, but from now on I won’t be leaving without telling you.” Jay sat on his chair, giving me a wide smile. ’Focus Y/N’, I told myself again, ‘Don’t mix your feelings’. “Good morning, don’t worry. Simon did a great job.” I said while laughing, Simon and I got along well. He was my friend now, like a real friend.  “Simon already told me that he was really happy with the way you work, he said you were always fully concentrated on your work. But he warned me too, the drinking thing.. I’m not a friend of it, but as long as everything is clean.. you can eat and drink here too.”  "It’s not a problem for me really, I can eat somewhere else. But yeah,.. It’s hot now, so drinking here would be nice.“ Jay nodded and then continued doing his job. 

Like that the days, weeks and even months passed. Working here was nice, and I met new people, made friends, learned the language. I enjoyed being here, I was thankful for everything. I’ve spend most of my time with Simon though. He really looked after me. Today was my last day at work, not forever, but it was time for vacation now, I had to admit, staying here without my family was hard, so I chose to visit them after a couple of months. 

Have a safe flight Y/N. Enjoy your time, and call me when you landed, I’ll pick you up.“  "Thank you Yuna, I’ll make sure to call you, Enjoy your time here too.” I hugged Yuna, and said Goodbye a last time, she was now a really close friend of mine, she showed the place and helped me out with everything since I was here.“ 

Before I had to be in the plane, I bought some souvenirs, and a drink, I sat on a bench and waited for the gate to open. One last time I checked all your Messages and texted back, since I wouldn’t be able to answer until I was at home. 

HAVE FUN Y/N! DON’T FORGET TO BRING US STUFF :D"  "YAH! Stop thinking about yourself every time. Have Fun Y/N, spent some time with your family.“ “Bye Y/N. Make sure to tell us when you landed. Don’t make us worry. :)” Aw, they’re all so cute. “Thanks guys, I’ll text you when I’m home, since this number won’t be working there. And don’t worry, I’ll bring you some souvenirs. :D" 

While I was typing my message, I got two notifications from other chats, one was from Simon, the other one from Jay. 

Hey Y/N. Enjoy your time and have a safe flight. I know how much you missed your family, and seeing them now is going to be great for you. You don’t need to stay in contact with us, I know that’s what the others want but you should focus on your family, okay? Tell us if you want to stay longer, we’ll find a way. :D - Simon“   "Thaaaank you, I think 1.5 month should be enough, I promise I will enjoy my time there, don’t overwork yourself too!~" 

Hey, Y/N. I hope you have fun over there, take care and don’t do stupid things! :D But I know you, you wouldn’t do that. Anyways, text us if anything happens, we’re willing to help. See ya, when you’re back. - Jay“   "ahah thank you, yea I’ll do that. Same goes for you tho. Take care! :)" 

Both, Jay and Simon were so nice, and like every other employee they were my friends and I was happy because of that. My feelings for Jay changed during that time. I met him from time to time, and went either shopping, or eating. He was my friend, and… I had to admit. I couldn’t hate him. It was nearly Impossible. 

"Gate 3 is open. Please get in your lines.” With that announcement, I made my way over to my line and turned off my Phone. Finally, after months I was able to go back home, and I was happier than ever now…

***1.5 Months later***

“Y/N. I’m sooo sooo sorry, an emergency happened and I have to go home to my parents house. Your phone is probably turned off now, I can’t come and pick you up, but don’t worry, by the time you landed someone is already waiting for you. I messaged someone else. You don’t need to take a cab in the middle of the night. I’m so sorry again, I owe you something." 

Whaat? Urgh, let’s see — Exit. There. I walked out of the airport, breathing in Seouls Air again after 1,5 Months. The time at home was nice, but I missed Seoul too. It was dark outside now, and taking a cab wasn’t what I wanted to do, since I was tired. 

Y/N!! Where, What… Who? I turned around, trying to see who called me, and then I saw Jay, standing by his car. He waved, but quickly made his way over to me. ”Heee-“ I started, but I got cut off by him. He hugged me a little too tight, and twirled me around, while turning. "I missed you..” he said while burying his face in my neck. “I missed you too jay, but please.. I want to go home as a breathing person.” Jay gave me a wide smile, before taking my luggage and running back to the car. 

How was the flight?” He asked, opening the passenger seats door. “It was alright. I’m just tired now.” “Then sleep. We’ll be driving for a while.” “No I’m fine. I can sleep at home." 

As he started to drive, I didn’t feel like talking, it was way too tiring, and Jay seemed to understand. The radio was on and some songs were playing. Mainly slow songs, which wasn’t really helpful, but I tried to stay awake anyways. The way, felt like ages… And even if I knew that only 15 Minutes have passed, I thought that it’s been more than three hours. By the time my eyelids got heavy, and my head slowly moved from left to right, I was awake, but all of the energy left my body. But I gave in, and fell asleep shortly after..

I woke up because of slow Movements, I felt that I was going up something,.. but my legs weren’t moving. I lifted my head upwards, slowly opened my eyes, still really tired, and saw the neck and chin of jay. It took a while until I got what happened, but he didn’t understand that I was awake. Jay was carrying me up, we were almost in front of my flats door, but right when I wanted to speak up,.. I felt too tired again, and nuzzled into Jays chest, before sleeping again.

****

It was dark, and quiet here, “Where am ?” I thought. But then I remembered, I was at home now, I fell asleep after a long flight. But how did I get home? “Hyung, She’s safe back now…. Oh, she fell asleep in the car I carried her home, I wouldn’t answer her phone normally, but since it’s you. I did… Yea, she’s sleeping now. I’ll leave now too." 

Jay? Right, he brought me home… Am I asleep now? Probably, I can’t answer him, but I can hear everything. I can’t move either. ”Yah… How am I supposed to life while you’re here. How can I breathe… I know I was an asshole.. I still am. I missed you so much. Y/N….“  Jay moved his body, the shadows on my eyelids moved. Am I dreaming this? He sat right next to the bed, his head leaned against the free space. A loud sigh left his mouth. ”You know when you first started, when I first saw you I didn’t think I would fall in love. I thought we would be good friends after a while. Even if you cursed me out for ruining your shirt. The first two days I tried to be normal around you, a little bit more strict just you know that even if we are a close company, we work serious too. When I left for a week.. I didn’t think about you really,.. I know I techincally confessed to you on your first day here. But I.. I think I really fully understood my feelings for you after a couple of weeks. Your personality, the way you deal with problems.. You changed me a lot.. Even hyung said that.. Ahh Y/N.

Why didn’t he ever tell me that he thought that way?  But without saying anything else, he left. And I finally fell asleep, not knowing if I was dreaming or not.  The next morning I woke up late, still really confused. ”Did I dream all of this? / Should I ask him?  / What if I dreamt all of this?“ I had thousand questions but no answers. The noises coming out of the kitchen brought me back to reality, someone is here? ”Y/N are you awake? Breakfast is ready.“ 

Jay? Didn’t he leave yesterday? I got up, changed my clothes, washed my face, and then left the room. ”Good morning?“ I said, almost questioning, ”Good morning. It was late yesterday, and I was tired. It wasn’t safe to drive back home. I hope that’s not a problem.“ Jay looked really nervous, he talked pretty fast. "The breakfast looks nice, you woke up early right?” “Yeah kinda, I didn’t really sleep to be honest.” “Why?” “Y/N… Can we talk for a bit?

I sat on a chair, and so did he. "Sure, but can I eat? It smells so good and I didn’t eat since yesterday?” I filled my mouth with bread and cheese, which made Jay laugh, he calmed down minute by minute. “What did you want to talk about?”  ”Y/N… Yesterday, when you were sleeping. No no wait - while you were on vacation..“ So he really confessed yesterday? "I didn’t dream yesterday right? You confessed and thought that I was sleeping?” Ups.. His face showed how embarrassed he was, he turned red instantly, and I blushed too. “You heard all of that?” “Yea, and it was cute to be honest..” “Y/N. now that you know, what do you think?” “I don’t know… I think.. I need time Jay. I know myself, I really have to think.” When I looked at him again, he was sad. His eyes were still sparkling, but the hope he had was gone. 

Oh.. That’s alright. I can totally understand you. I mean it’s totally normal, I can’t expect you to say yes right away.” He laughed, but I knew it was fake, he was hurt, and the whole situation was awkward for him. “I’ll leave then.. Have to work.” He got up, wanted to leave, but something didn’t feel right about that. “Jay please… I know that all of this is really weird- Look, I also have feelings for you, but this is too fast for me, I’m not used to that. Please give me some time.” Jay looked at me, his eyes - again - full of hope and other emotions, he turned bright red. “Y/N?” He moved his body, leaning down to be face to face. “What a-” But without giving me enough time to speak, he gave my lips a light peck and slowly backed up again. And now that I could see his face up close, I think I fell for him even more. “Think about it, I can wait for an eternity.” Jay left. And I sat there, burning and almost melting into my chair. What did just happen? 

You got up immediately, “Jess what am I supposed to do?” “What? Y/N it’s literally the middle of the night? The fuck is your problem?” In all of the chaos you called your friends, totally ignoring the fact that she should be sleeping now. “Jess he kissed me, HE KISSED ME.” “So? Congrats you have a boyfriend now, let me sleep.” “We’re not together; I said that I had to think about all of that.” “What? So how come you kissed then?” “Well, I didn’t do anything; he kissed me and told me to think about it. JESS HE WAS SO CUTE.” But then, you got no answer. “Jess? Hello?” Sure.. She hung up

The hours passed by,.. at least I thought so. An hour passed and I needed to see jay, not really because of my answer, but I just wanted to see him. I grabbed my stuff and made my way to my room; I unplugged my phone and saw that I had a new message. 

Y/N. You need to come to the office now.” Simon never wrote so serious. But without further or do, I left, just to be greeted by Simon in front of the office. “Y/N, I’m glad you came over. Your boss called, go and see Jay for a minute. He seems to be really upset about it.” What? My ‘old’ boss, didn’t talk to me for months. After I said ‘thank you’ to Simon, I walked up, thinking about what could have happened, or what he would say after this morning. 

“Jay? What’s the matter?” “Y/N, did you think about what happened today?” I had to laugh, but not because it was funny, more because he was driving me insane. “Yah! I was really scared that something happend. Did you really call me over just for this?” “Just for this? Y/N I’m being serious, you’re boss really called me.” Jays eyes were sad, he looked like he cried for hours. “What did he say?” 

Y/N.. he wants you back. You were his best worker. He told me to ask you if you want to stay… or go back.” What? Where did this come from all of a sudden? “Y/N, you have to make a decision now.”

41.1wk: 185
-1 wk: 167.4
-2 wk: 162.5

5 more pounds gone! I’m still losing water weight, and this is probably with 6oz of milk on board. The swelling is totally gone from my legs and feet, but my hands are still bigger than they used to be. I want my wedding rings to fit… more time needed there!

Maybe we will see the 150s next week! 😮

My goal this week is to get 10k steps 4 out of 7 days. I would also like to try the pool towards the end of the week… We will see how that goes. I might try some short spins too…

9

2017.04.13 👣 2 Walks

Two Walks this afternoon, the first a short one, with baby duckies nearby, and the second one out to the beach for the sunset.

There is still a decent lump on the bottom of my foot, just to the front of my heal in my arch, but it only hurts when I press on it with my fingers (so I try to avoid that), it’s been holding up pretty well to my walks the last couple of days. Fingers crossed that it continues to feel better and not worse.

Also, today is 4 days in a row I’ve gotten my 10k steps, which is something that had slipped partly because of my foot hurting and partly cos of my ‘meh’ attitude.  Hope I can keep that streak going and that it’s a sign that I’m getting out of that ‘meh’ feeling.

Lesbian Diary: OMG, muchos dineros

Lesbians having babies is expensive ya’ll. Like in the US is starts at 15k for IVF not including like meds, fees, tests, shipping, donors, legal costs. That whole Mandy and Tara bit, those bitches are rich! Im estimating around 25k per baby. That’s a whole car.


Anyways, so the wife and I headed to Mexico. The prices are wayyyyy cheaper but all included itll probably end up being around 10k. I can afford that with a little savings but it’s still hard with only 1 income (wife still in grad school).


So I interviewed for a job like 4 days later and their benefits include 10k a year for infertility treatments. I will find out any day now if I got the job.


My whole world is anxiety now. Wish me luck guys!


Also, do you know any Blogs for lesbians having kids? Or people going through reciprocal IVF? Let me know. The wife and I want to read!

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10K Training Week 4 Day 2 - Run 3, Walk 1.5, Run 5, Walk 2.5, Run 3, Walk 1.5, Run 5

Took my new lace tag (one more mile) on a smoky, smoky run at lunch. Nothing feels better than jumping in water you spent your whole run looking at longingly.

I purposefully took August easy after being in training mode for so many months. Not going back to full on training for September, but I am picking it up quite a bit. I have a 5K scheduled for 10/1 and I’d like to PR. Plus, although I don’t have a specific mileage goal for this year, I am like 25 miles behind where I was this time last year, and that doesn’t feel good.

19.14/273.14 August/2017 miles

10K Training Week 4 Day 3 - Run 3, Walk 1.5, Run 5, Walk 2.5, Run 3, Walk 1.5, Run 5

Beautiful run followed by a beautiful dip in the creek followed by a beautiful couple hours at the beach drinking beer and swimming with my coworkers. The beginning of a holiday weekend when we’re open but most of our clients have already started the weekend is always enjoyable.

#runsonpumpkinspice

1.73/274.87 September/2017 miles

Weekly Report - A Repeat of Last Week :)

Week 4 Results

  • Starting Weight : 360
  • Current Weight: 357
  • Loss this Week: 3
  • Loss on HFLC: 19
  • Total Loss: 118

I can’t remember the last time I had 4 weeks loss in a row. :) This weekly is going to look pretty much the same as last week as it was a great - steady week. 

Macros

I am sticking with my macros for now as they seem to be working well for me.

  • Calories - 2,700 + Exercise
  • Fat - 66% - 216 grams / day
  • Protein - 31% - 224 grams / day
  • Carbs - 3% 22 grams / day

Observations:

  • It was pretty easy week. No real struggles. 
  • I tried carbquick for the first time. The taste was good, but it appears to have taken me out of ketosis. I am back in it now. I think it’s fine for an occasional indulgence and it better than the alternatives. 
  • 10K training is going well, I finished week 9, day 2 today and my 10k is in 4 weeks. 

NSV

  • No hunger or cravings this week
  • Tons of energy
  • Noticing some face progress

Next Week

  • More of the same + adding some steps
  • I started HFLC off as a 1 month experiment. I am pretty sure I am going to stick with it for at least another month.

So I haven’t posted this yet because I haven’t had time to really write out everything I want to say, but here goes… I did my first half marathon this past weekend, the Disney Princess Half Marathon! And it was amazing and I have a lot of feels about it, so hold on to your hats, here we go.

I’ve never been “a runner.” I started running a couple of years ago, solely as a means to lose weight. I remember when I first started running, I couldn’t run for even a whole minute without getting winded, let alone a mile. I remember thinking “It’d be cool to do a 5K one day, but I doubt I’ll ever be able to. It’s too hard." 

Except, I did do a 5K eventually. And then a 10K. And then a 10-miler. And finally, this past weekend, a half marathon. And every single one of those things was difficult. And there were times when I kept thinking that running just isn’t for me. And I wanted to give up.

But I didn’t give up, and a big part of that is because of this blog and this fitness community. I’m not just saying that. You, my followers and the people I follow, have no idea how much you inspire me and motivate me to keep going. I’ve had this blog for two years now (I think?), and over those two years, there were so many times I would have given up if it weren’t for you all. There were so many times when I thought "living a healthy lifestyle is just too hard. Maybe I should just go back to my old lifestyle.” Except, then I’d remember that there would be whole community of people I would disappoint… and that led me to remember that most importantly, I would disappoint myself.

So, thank you all. Thank you so, so much. Thank you for your messages and the cute posts I see on my dash. Thank you for posting your workouts and your recipes and your motivations. If anyone had told me, a couple of years and many pounds ago, that I would ever run a half marathon… I would have laughed. 

And it’s not just my fitness that has improved. Persevering in my healthy lifestyle has made me more productive in every way. I study harder, I’m more organized, I’ve gotten great at making and sticking to a schedule (that’s what happens when you have to fit working out in with your social life)! I’m still figuring it out, and god knows I’m not perfect, but I’ve come so much farther than I’d ever imagined.

Now I’m ready to start training for a marathon (a marathon, me! hah!) and whatever else I can think up. I can’t exactly say I love running now, but I’d say I have a love/hate relationship with it, which is a step up from the hate/hate relationship it used to be. My dream is to run in the NYC marathon, and also do the Dopey Challenge at Disney (where you do a 5K, 10K, half marathon and marathon in 4 days)! 

So thank you all, again, and trust me when I say… if I can do it, you can. I am seriously one of the laziest people around. I had (and have!) so many self-doubts and urges to just give it all up. But I’m pushing through it. And so can you.