100 objects

100 Art Objects, Historical Artifacts, and Miscellaneous Loot
  1. A marble bust of a large-nosed woman
  2. A richly woven carpet with nautical patterns
  3. Soft, clean bedsheets sewn with golden thread
  4. A portrait of a bashful looking tiefling
  5. Eight matching silver cups
  6. A ceremonial helm with a daisy motif
  7. A coil of silken cable, intricately braided and tasseled
  8. An ancient fertility sculpture
  9. A nautilus shell
  10. A stack of fine vellum
  11. Richly embroidered blue sleeping robes
  12. A huge tortoise shell
  13. A polished silver looking-glass
  14. A set of gem-encrusted cutlery
  15. Silk handkerchiefs
  16. A necklace thickly adorned with bright feathers
  17. A small dragon skull
  18. A collection of beautiful glass bottles of all colours
  19. A snake skin of tremendous length and quality
  20. Well preserved tapestries depicting an important historical event
  21. A set of fine jewelcrafting tools
  22. A chess set of excellent quality
  23. A set of non-magical but intricately etched daggers
  24. An ermine coat
  25. Soft doeskin boots beautifully crafted for small feet
  26. A collection of flags and banners once flown by nations now extinct
  27. White silk gloves
  28. A satchel made of glossy crimson leather
  29. A rattle made from a cloven hoof
  30. Paper pouches full of dried herbs and spices
  31. A red and silver scepter
  32. A porcelain doll garbed in a beautiful ballgown
  33. A large bismuth crystal
  34. A box containing several elaborately decorated animal masks
  35. A glass orb containing a tablespoon of quicksilver
  36. A vase containing numerous exotic feathers
  37. A golden ceremonial shield featuring an unfamiliar charge
  38. Ten large glass marbles of various colours
  39. A richly illuminated, leather-bound manuscript of local history
  40. A rare coin collection
  41. A massive scarlet crustacean claw
  42. Pots of powdered henna, turmeric, and indigo
  43. A long spiral antelope horn, polished and banded in silver
  44. Two oblong pearls of modest size
  45. An exquisitely preserved fish fossil
  46. A set of lavish quills and two pots of deep blue ink
  47. Three canopic jars, and the broken lid of a fourth
  48. A hand-carved, gold leaf frame, sans painting
  49. A masterful portrait of a stern couple, sans frame
  50. Beautiful horse tack
  51. A glass jar filled with layers of sand of various colours
  52. A snow leopard skin in fine condition
  53. A huge vanilla scented candle
  54. A wooden case containing two dozen bars of sealing wax
  55. A hand-carved mash paddle made from black wood
  56. A silver locket containing a lock of silver hair
  57. A crystal bottle of perfume
  58. A carving made from jet featuring the head of a gorgon
  59. Twelve fine drinking glasses wrapped in cotton
  60. A brass cast of a skull
  61. An ancient ceremonial sword of a powerful queen, its blade half rotted away
  62. A silver flask
  63. A wooden frame containing a complex gear mechanism of unknown purpose
  64. Pouches of very rare seeds that grow into valuable plants
  65. A geode
  66. A tome of forgotten ballads written by a legendary bard
  67. A terribly gaudy cuckoo clock elaborately inlaid with silver and gold
  68. A half-finished bolt of patterned cloth, still attached to the loom
  69. A large tangle of coral
  70. A church bell featuring a religious tale in bas relief
  71. Gold candleabras
  72. A brass statuette of a religious figure
  73. Two oak barrels of alcoholic spirits
  74. A sack of bathing salts
  75. A box of lace
  76. A folder stuffed with dwarven beer recipes
  77. Spools of excellent leather cord
  78. Medicated creams and ointments
  79. A box of colourful makeup
  80. A pouch full of glimmering pearlescent fish scales
  81. A silver dog whistle shaped like a howling wolf
  82. Ivory spice shakers
  83. A jar of herbal honey
  84. A large incisor on a leather thong
  85. Powdered animal parts
  86. Gold false teeth
  87. A bulk lot of mundane smithed items, including locks, hinges, etc.
  88. An empty silver lockbox with key
  89. Elegant red skates
  90. Blue suede shoes
  91. A dried caul
  92. A taxedermied platypus
  93. A censer
  94. Three wax likenesses, one slightly melted
  95. A telescope
  96. A set of tinkling hand bells
  97. Coffee beans
  98. Tortoiseshell combs
  99. Copper bottom cook pots
  100. A flanged steel plug of some kind
A Simple Spell for Enchanting Objects
  • Object
  • Sage
  • Incense
  • White candle
  • Bowl of water
  • Salt

Light the candle, sage, and incense. Pass the object through the incense to cleanse it of any previous energies. State your intent of enchanting the object and its purpose aloud. Pass the object through the incense smoke (air) and candle flame (fire), and sprinkle some salt (earth) and water on it.

Charge it by the light of the full moon for an extra oomph, especially if the object is a crystal/has crystals on it.

Podcast Roundup

I have a confession to make, I think I am most definitely addicted to podcasts. I actually have a rotation of at least 20 of them to cycle between depending on my mood, though they tend to lean into the creepy and surreal. Here are my personal favorites on my list at the moment, in rough order of my immediate compulsion to listen:

1. Welcome to Night Vale: My first brush with the unknowable and standard for judging podcasts

2. Serial (DUH!)

3. Dear Hank and John: Vlogbrothers <3 and the inevitable condition of mortality <3 in a comedy podcast 

4. The Black Tapes Podcast and TANIS: Two podcasts, both from Pacific Northwest Stories, one about demons and cursed sounds and the other about whatever Tanis is…? Both are perfect for my walk home through either the cemetery or the woods, depending on my mood and how quickly the demons are pursuing

5. King Falls AM: If Night Vale felt more like a call-in radio show and less like a news ballad led by Cecil

6. Lore and Limetown: My next set of creepy stories (at least one of them is factual) that make me look over my shoulder at night. The mythos brought out by lore in telling stories and the story played out in limetown are both delightfully terrifying

7. Kakos Industries: Take Night Vale’s Strexcorp, add some kink and darkness into that evil and you have yourself these delightfully seductive shareholder announcements. This one is definitely not for the more delicate ears out there

8. Pleasuretown: Old-timey western and campfire ghost stories with some paranormal flare

9. EOS 10: Because every single character makes me feel things with their adorable sci-fi antics

10. Invisibilia: Because perception is a beautiful thing to explore…will be higher up once the new stuff roles around. Also, fair warning, the hosts of the program are right when they say that both of them sound alike but in time you will tell them apart :)

11. A History of the World in 100 Objects: My interest in museum studies brought out this little gem that I just discovered and have enjoyed as it delves into a new treasure from the British museum in each episode

A few others: The Bunker (Post-apocalyptic Britain…lots of tea and existentialism), Israel Story (Israeli This American Life), Codebreaker (Is any technology ever evil?), and This Anthropological Life (Brandeis University Anth students like myself talking about our research)

Hope this list brought at least one person to something new <3 

I’m gonna rate/review Dio’s sons

1. Giorno Giovanna

Beautiful godlike angel being who’s beauty can never be tarnished. He is my son. The light of my life. 12/10

2. Donatello Versace/Versus

Has that hot bad boy aesthetic goin on and he rocks it. Looks like he comes straight from a 90s boy band. Could raw me anyday. 10/10

3. Rykiel

More…. fashion confused than anything. He’d clean up nicely if you got him out of his fursuit. Also my son. Nervous boy. 8.8/10

4. Ungalo

Someone had to roll a 1 in the genetic lottery eventually. His stand fight was cool tho. You Tried/10

And that is my 100% objective, factual review of Dio’s sons.

Useful Household Objects under $5.00

Well-designed, affordable household items such as orange juicers, ashtrays, venetian blinds, and other “ordinary” consumer products were given pride of place in 1938 with the exhibition Useful Household Objects under $5.00. Celebrating the quality and precision of machine production, the exhibition featured approximately 100 commercially available, utilitarian objects, demonstrating, according to the press release, that “it is possible to purchase everyday articles of excellent design at reasonable prices.” Useful Household Objects was also conceived to promote MoMA’s traveling exhibitions: it was arranged primarily for the purpose of touring, and was shown in seven additional venues around the country. The exhibition was so popular that it continued as an annual series for nine years—although by 1947, the top price had increased to $100. See images of the installation, a full archive of “Useful Objects” exhibitions, and more at mo.ma/52exhibitions.

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17/1/17 || I’m finally starting my core reading for next semester’s class, ‘World Archaeology’, with ‘A History of the World in 100 Objects’ by Neil MacGregor. I’m curled up with my favourite blanket and a cup of coffee, ready to read what looks like an interesting book: what better way is there to spend a quiet evening? 

Advice For Beginners From a Fellow Student of Astrology

1. You will never understand everything about astrology. The reason for this is that it’s much bigger than us, and it’s also a skill. This means that it’s limitless and limited at the same time; there will always be progress to make through your research, but there will never be a finish line. I’ve been studying astrology for ~2 years and I don’t even want to say how little I know in comparison to the endless reservoir of information I don’t have.

2. Remain objective. This is so important that I would have made this #1 if the previous tip had been less relevant. I can’t stress it enough. It’s not possible to be 100% objective, but the result of that number dropping to zero is terrible, so keep your interpretations as neutral as you can, especially when reading your own natal chart (which is the most difficult). Identify your bias & manipulation of the facts when they arise and get rid of them. Astrologers are messengers, not dictators of reality. Don’t distort this craft if you want it to actually work.

3. Don’t be afraid to think outside the box. Astrology isn’t supposed to limit us, it’s supposed to help us grow, progress, and expand. Don’t confine yourself to someone else’s opinions, and don’t confine yourself to your own. There is always another way to look at it, and every (educated) perspective is valid.

4. “Thinking outside the box” is not the same as “disregarding fact and making shit up.” Learn to see the difference between the two.

5. Try not to rule anything out. Astrology is a massive subject that encompasses thousands of different practices and methods and uses; all of them are useful & insightful in their own ways. All of them are valuable. Learn what works for you, and then learn about what doesn’t, and see where that takes you. Struggles you will encounter with the field(s) you’re comfortable with may be solvable by other fields you don’t know how to use yet.

6. Observe, observe, observe. Watch your family and friends. Ask them questions. Analyze their words, actions, and feelings. As you get to know other people, you will get to know the signs and planets as well. You’ll begin to notice so many patterns; this is enlightening and helpful in so many ways.

7. Cut that arrogant elitist bullshit out. You’re not fooling anyone with a superiority complex about an art form. There is a structured, empirical side to astrology, but the rest of it is creative, personal, and flexible. You don’t get to decide what other people use astrology for or what beliefs they have about it. If they’re misinformed, inform them, but anything beyond that crosses the line.

8. Listen to other astrologers. Be wary of yourself when your first instinct is to say “no” to someone’s perspective on something, because that’s usually a good indicator of opinion getting in the way of actual learning. If there are no legitimate errors in their knowledge, you need to reevaluate.

9. Please don’t underestimate the value of books. The internet seems like it holds everything, and there is an immense, rich array of information to soak up online, but I used to assume it had everything I needed to know and this is plainly incorrect. There is a lot of great knowledge to find in books.

10. Try not to get into too many arguments with non-believers. Unless they’re willing to listen to you, it’s a waste of everybody’s time. The only way for someone to actually learn astrology is to seriously study it themselves.

11. Remember that astrology does have limits. Some things just can’t be explained astrologically. Biology, environment, upbringing, psychology, genetics, exposure, experiences, and countless other factors have just as much of an influence on an individual as the natal chart. When you disregard these things is when you turn astrology into a faith, and that’s abusing it.

12. On the same note, remember that there is an absolute side to astrology. Some things can’t questioned. The things that have lasted for thousands of years, such as the general meanings of the archetypes, aren’t up for interpretation. Astrology is only subjective beyond or within the frames of its structure. Understanding & accepting this is a key factor in objectivity, as well. (That said, it is still like 60% subjective. Don’t forget the other ~40%!)

13. Share what you learn, and don’t ignore constructive criticism. This is a very important way to expand, correct, and refine your knowledge.

14. In relation to #7: ignore destructive criticism. Some astrologers just want to feel ~correct~. Disregard people who want to take away the personal creativity of astrology; they’re ruining the beauty of it, and the usefulness.

15. There is no “right way” to use astrology. If you want to make memes about it, make memes about it. If you want to predict the end of the world with it, go ahead & predict the end of the world. As long as you’re educated & not trying to turn astrology into something it’s not, you’re golden.

There is a lot more to say, but I think I’ll end it here so I don’t overwhelm anyone. I may add more later, and if you want to add to it as well, you totally have my permission. I hope this gives you a better grip on the whole thing.
Ask me questions here if you need to!

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This is what is looks like when a small carrot is fired at 300km per hour through a lightbulb, cardboard, and a grapefruit.

We built a carrot gun to show that at high enough speeds anything can be dangerous, to help explain why micrometeoroids and space debris are such a threat to astronauts. The carrots fly at about 100 metres per second. Objects in low earth orbit, such as the International Space Station, move 100 times faster, at about 8km per second.

Watch the full video to find out why collisions in space basically become high-energy explosions.

WHY I LOVE MR. VROOM VROOM SAKAMKI (AKA SUBARU) MORE THAN ANOTHER

How’s this is going to be structured. I write a small comparison between each character because I don’t want to:

- Be over-explaining something to the point of annoyance

- Repeat the same themes

- Be not concise or clear

One thing to make clear however before I start! I am aware that their personalities have been formulated by their pasts and are ‘justified’ - not necessarily justified, but the beginning leads well to the conclusion sort of justified - by them (even if they are wrong ways to behave, etc.) As well, this is biased based on my preference in personalities (and whatever my memory can sustain of the routes, so some information may be inaccurate or can be interpreted differently by someone else), so don’t take this as 100% objective gold, which should now convince you that Mr. Vroom Vroom Sakamki is the best gosh darn vampire and person that ever was and you cannot like or love another, he is the only you must like, etc. etc. etc. Also, I am not the greatest fan of all the Mukamis other then Azusa, that has to be said. So, my review will be biased mostly likely harsher on them more. Just warning you all. Otherwise, have fun reading this long piece of shit writing! XD

Keep reading

UPDATED! The 100% Definitive, Empirical, Ruthlessly Objective, I-Will-Brook-No-Dissent Ranking of Every Song from “CRAZY EX-GIRLFRIEND” Season One

Clip and save for your records.

Note: For the purpose of this rigorous scientific analysis, no reprises are included. “Reprises make the data noisy,” as my old Musical Theater Epidemiology Professor used to say. 

Note, the Second: In several cases, both broadcast and explicit versions of these songs exist. You owe it to yourself to get the explicit versions, always.

37. “Women Gotta Stick Together”

Here’s the thing: It’s fine. All these songs are fine. And the fact that they’re all being written, orchestrated, rehearsed, performed and broadcast over the course of a matter of weeks is astonishing. But what hurls a particular song higher up this chart is if it goes somewhere, musically or lyrically, we didn’t expect when it began. That’s the key – a song starts, we recognize its premise, or its style, and we think, “Oh. A Billy Joel bit. Got it. Ok.” If it nails the pastiche, great. But if DOES something with that pastiche, if it includes something that stands out, that feels specific to this show, it flings itself up the rankings. Can be a gem of a line like “NEWSFLASH, FUCKWADS: I’M A GOOD PERSON” or something in the performance, like the perfect trill puts on “It’s a practical proposal!” From verse to verse, it’s gotta MOVE.This song is fine, but every verse iterates what the first verse lays out. We get it.

36. “Having a Few People Over”

Here’s a good place to point out that I’m ranking these as stand-alone songs. As such, this is a dutiful EDM sendup, but it’s the visuals that really sell this thing. Gardner kills it. 

35. “Textmergency/Where is the Rock”

Here’s a song that takes a genre – in this case, metal-as-envisioned-by-kids-who-spent-their-summers-at-theater-camp – and nails the parody, but doesn’t do much else. The performers are charming, but the central joke (fighting over the proper terminology) doesn’t have enough muscle to put the gag over. 

33. “Gettin’ Bi”

Give it this much: it sounds like the Huey Lewis song that would be playing in the scene set in an 80s bar when the producers couldn’t get the rights to “Power of Love.” But that’s just not enough to move it higher up this list.

32. “One Indescribable Instant”

Does what it’s asked to, namely to sound like the Disney love song you half-remember from childhood. But that’s all it does, and as such it lacks the earworm potential so many of this show’s songs possess.

31. “I Could if I Wanted To”

This song couldn’t get more 90s if tied a flannel shirt around its waist and hung out in a 7-11 parking lot laughing at every joke that kid Eric from Civics class made, occasionally catching itself staring longingly at his meaty, vascular forearms. (… Um. That … that may be just a me thing.) Fontana sells, it, there’s just not that much to sell.

30. “Dear Joshua Felix Chan”

It’s sweet, it’s well-performed, it makes its case, it doesn’t move.

29. “Sexy French Depression”

You get where this is going in the first verse, but it’s got some balls: “My bed smells like a tampon/I’m in a sexy French depression” is a rhyme they don’t teach you in wherever you go to study making musicals. You know. That FAME high school? That.

28. “Flooded with Justice”

A dutiful Les Miserables take that suffers in comparison to everything around it. It’s funny enough, sure, but there’s nothing here that the Capitol Steps couldn’t do, and this show is so much better than that – more specific, more idiosyncratic. Weirder. 

27. “What’ll it Be”

A great performance, some good lines. (Hands ARE sort of gross.) But maybe because it’s explicitly about a guy wallowing in self-pity, it never permits itself to break out, to leave its starting position.

26. “I Have Friends”

Bouncy, infectious, Up-With-People/Disney-Channel pep. Plus, handclaps. All songs with handclaps are good songs; that’s just science. And listen to the way that dude says “HAY-ULF an EYE-lid!” Genius. But in the end, it’s just too slight to inch any higher up this chart. 

25. “His Status is Preferred”

Champlin nails this torch song, and it’s ability to fit so many disparate references to VIP perks into each line is nothing less than a feat of lyrical Tetris. It does what it does very well, but it does only the one thing.

24. “Oh My God I Think I Like You”

Sweet, adult, and matter-of-factly sexy. There are a lot of other songs like it, and it’s smart enough to know that when that’s the case, one of the tasks before it is to comment on those other songs, to achieve a kind of lyrical sentience – a musical singularity, in a sense. 

23. “I Gave You a UTI”

A slender thread on which to hang a song, perhaps, but it works, because Fontana sells the song’s intricate mix of emotions - the desperation, the self-mocking self-awareness, the pride, the neediness.

22. “Put Yourself First”

As this list makes clear, I’m a sucker for songs that discover what they’re about as they’re being sung, and this is a particularly sharp (and catchy as all hell) example of same. 

21. “Good at Yoga”

As Linda said on the show, this is Bollywood by way of Hollywood. (If she were taking kung fu, would this song feature gongs and “Chopsticks”?) But we are in Rachel’s head, after all, and she doesn’t strike me as someone who’d have a particularly profound knowledge of East Asian history and culture. A catchy song, but low-hanging fruit. (Here’s an example where the explicit version is 10x better.)

20. “Settle for Me”

I know, I know. You love this song. It should be higher! Top five, easy! Look: it’s great. The performance is wonderful. And as I mention above, Bloom’s “It’s a practical proposal!” comes in at JUST the right time, with JUST the right English on it. But once we get the setup, the execution is deft, but on rails.

19. “Cold Showers”

Oh, it’s fun. Sure, it’s fun. But everything about it maps so completely (and deliberately) over the Music Man’s “Trouble” that it has a hard time distinguishing itself. It never manages to step out of that show’s long shadow to let us see it on its own; it’s drafting on the energy of Meredith Wilson’s song, not adding its own. I do like the clever way it occasionally undercuts itself (”I don’t live here”), which re-centers us on Rachel.

18. “I Love My Daughter”

See now, this MOVES. We get it’s gonna be a country pastiche, and Gardner sells it well enough, but then the song permits him some self-awareness. We can HEAR him realizing how skeevy what he’s singing sounds, and doing something about it. 

17. “Boy Band Made Up Of Four Joshes”

When I brought this list into the studio, this song ranked at number 10. But one of the songs from this week’s episode kicked it out. (Ooo! Foreshadowing! Suspense!) Which is a shame, as this song NAILS its Boy-Bandishness. The production is spot-on, the performance is perfect. And this song is pretty goddamn great at capturing where Rachel at this moment – her younger self pines for a boy band, her unconscious adult self for mental health – so we slowly realize, along with her, that her mind has created the perfect fusion of the two.

16. “Heavy Boobs”

Originally slid into this list at number 20. “They each have their own memoir” moved it up 4 slots. Such is the power of “they each have their own memoir.’ Also: if a song’s got one joke, it needs to keep interpolating it, and “Heavy Boobs” does that nicely with the spoken-word break, and its specificity and weirdness (”Paperback copy of Arabian Nights”).

15. “I Give Good Parent”

Cultural appropriation + covered dish reference = genius.

14. “The Villain in my Own Story”

I’ve said above that if a song is simply a parody or pastiche of a particular genre, its not enough for a high ranking on this list. This is an exception: it nails the “Disney villain song” genre – a genre against which, admittedly, I am helpless – but it goes somewhere. It’s another example of a song discovering what it’s about as it’s being sung. Plus, the specificity of “I’m the bitch in the corner of the poster” – and the visual gag that accompanies it (the slicked back hair!) – is hugely smart. 

13 “West Covina”

A perfect encapsulation of the show, and its protagonist’s willfully skewed sense of the world – or at least, of one particular exurb. Celebrates the place by making fun of it. Makes fun of the place by sincerely celebrating it. It’s a tough tone to get right, but this very very does. (This song ranked higher earlier in the season, but we’ve got a hell of a lot more songs now, and the sheer novelty of this one has begun to wear.) (NOTE: I’m not ranking the show’s Theme Song, but if I did, it’d probably share this slot.)

12. “I’m a Good Person”

Well this song just makes your whole damn day better, is what. (Again, get the explicit version. Trust me. Thank me later.) It’s so exuberant, it’s infectious – the Zika of showtunes! Does it move from its starting position? No. Shut up. I’m gonna go listen to it again. 

11. “Dream Ghost”

“You know the trope/In storytelling it’s the norm…”

Ok, it’s a very faithful (possibly legally actionable) Dreamgirls bit, and what have I said about pastiches? 

But. 

Well.

I mean, I’m me, so any song that busts out the word “trope” in its opening verse has got my damn number. The fact that it goes on to be very much about narrative cliches, and their structural function – sign me the hell up. 

Always bugged me that Amber Riley and Ricki Lake got such hype about their appearance as background singers. I mean, sure, it’s a cute stunt, but it’s Michael Hyatt doing the heavy lifting here, and she’s fantastic.

(Also? Not for nothing? “We’re other dream ghosts helping people on this plane” …. OF EXISTENCE GET IT RIGHT I JUST BROKE YOUR BRAIN DIDN’T I)

10. “California Christmastime”

If it did nothing else, the fact that this show gave the world this tune – a Christmas song that invokes melanoma, gonorrhea, porn and the great scourge that is white reggae – is enough to win it the Nobel goddamn Prize. THIS I BELIEVE! (One tiny lyrical nit to pick: “Well there is no easy answer/For our high rates of skin cancer”? Uuuummmm yes there is it’s called SPF look into it.)

9. “Sex With a Stranger”

“Most people don’t know about the window” is when I laughed, aloud, alone in the apartment. Also, the “balls” rap break. (Specifically, the “hou-AWHS/show-AH” bit.) Also, “Thank god, it’s just your penis.” Also, “Don’t steal!” Also, its a sharp and knowing and ruthlessly funny distillation of some dark, dark shit.

8. “Group Hang”

I know, I know. You’re surprised to see it ranked so highly. It’s so slight! It’s just a Shakira bit – half the joke’s the damn braid! I understand. Here’s why you’re wrong.

The song’s driving dilemma gets introduced in the first line (”Cali-Mex Italian, I don’t really know what this food is”) and proceeds to get iterated again (“Salsa burritos taquitos guacamole pizza”) and again (”Spanish Spanish Spanish Spanish Espanol”) and again (”Pickle taco”) and again (”Is it just me? Maybe it’s just me!”), always adding to it, building on it, twisting it. 

Plus, we get to see White Josh, and his arms, sing and … well, “dance.” And we know that dude can sing. And he can DANCE. (Check him out as a hot chorus boy on Broadway!)  More White Josh in Season 2, say I. Dude needs a song. A shirtless song.

7. “The Sexy Gettin’ Ready Song”

Plants itself squarely inside the style its parodying and then – doesn’t merely parody it. Goes somewhere. Says something. Expresses the show’s specific point of view even as its crawling inside your ear to set up housekeeping.

6. “Feelin’ Kinda Naughty”

That baby-voice thing Bloom does at the beginning. The slow build to “wear your skin like a dress” and “baby teeth”. This song should be taught in schools. You know, like that one from Fame.

5. “Face Your Fears”

Champlin: good lord. The melisma. The self-importance. You can hear the “I am about to impart some Whitney-esque wisdom” in the fullness of that voice. Plus, this song is just SUCH A GOOD IDEA. An advice song filled with specific, earnestly proffered but howlingly terrible advice. 

4. “JAP Battle”

A great idea, executed flawlessly. And WOW do you need to hear the explicit version immediately. (That was rhetorical. You do.)

3. “You Stupid Bitch”

Raw and real and funny and kind of terrifying all at once. Plus a key change. I’m not made of stone here, people.

2.  “After Everything I’ve Done for You (That You Didn’t Ask For)”

I say again, Champlin: good LORD. The thing about “Rose’s Turn” (LOOK IT UP YOU GODDAMN INFANTS) is that it’s about a breakdown, so it keeps changing mood and melody something like six times. So does this. In fact it clings so closely to the bones of “Rose’s Turn” that it threatens to disappear under it, the way “Cold Showers” never quite escapes “Trouble.” 

The reason it doesn’t? The reason it’s lodged itself here so near the top of this unbelievably impressive list of songs? Champlin’s performance is its own, singular thing. She elevates this above pastiche and makes this her story, her song, the baring of Paula’s soul. It’s a song that’s not so much delivered as unleashed.

1. “Where’s the Bathroom?”

The Earworm of Earworms. Bow down before it. There is no escape. Y’all about to get klezmerized. The performance just could not be more on point, and the way it builds to that mid-point turn, where the theme from JAWS kicks in so seamlessly: yowza. I love this song so much I’ma boycott cheddar cheese in solidarity.

There you have it. Ranked. Filed. Sealed. Your opinion on some or all of these rankings may differ. Your opinion is wrong.