The Realise Nothing Zodiac is based on the combination of your natural hair colour and eye colour, attributes which are set by GENETICS, therefore it is the only 100% ACCURATE system of determining your real characteristics. It also has 34 categories meaning that you will most likely be very special.
Here’s how you find out which of the categories you are. Find the number that matches your natural hair colour. Find the number the matches your natural eye colour. Multiply them together. Then look up the corresponding number and that is you. So for example if your hair is light-brown and your eyes are blue, you multiply 4 by 2 and get 8, making you a Singsong Jumper, which means you love taking baths and make friends easily.
1 - Black
2 - Dark brown
3 - Mid-brown
4- Light brown
6- Dark blonde
7 - Light blonde
7- Red and Violet
Now multiply your numbers together and look up which of the 34 categories you fit into:
1 - Messy Simpson: you leave crumbs everywhere when you watch your favourite tv show, the simpsons. you are loved by your friends but sometimes find it difficult to hang out with them
2 - Lucky Bongo: you are very musical and seem to glide through life on a golden song. you attract people with your mysterious energy
3 - Jolly Samson: a happy go-lucky type, you are very strong, either physically or mentally, or perhaps both! Jolly Samsons make good friends but don’t get on their bad side
4 - Grumpy Tongo: you are always sad and probably suffer from depression. get help loser
5 - Briney Federer: Sweaty. oh my god, so sweaty. sure you may be good at tennis but take a shower some time
6 - Ballsy Mallsy: you are so courageous and brave, people are drawn to you, you are very special and loved by your friends but sometimes find it difficult to hang out with them
7 - Tagnagasto: Hey, it’s tagnagasto, the spiciest sign of the zodiac! you are a great cook with a great nose for flavour. you also have sensitive hearing, so while you love your friends you sometimes find it difficult to hang out with them
8 - Singsong Jumper: you love baths and make friends easily but sometimes find it difficult to hang out with them
9 - Swooner: you are the friend who always falls in love or is talking about a new boyfriend/girlfriend. Stay away from smelters, they are just NOT a good match for you!
10 - Vinyl Record Player: cool, understated, retro, those are the words i’d use to describe a vinyl record player like you. you always know just what to say, whether you’re winding people up or down, you’re in perfect control. try not to get dizzy!
12 - The Nimcompoop: boy you are so stupid. i bet you can’t even read what i’ve written, that’s why i feel able to say these things about you
14 - Nasal Symptomer: always gushing with fluid, the nasal symptomer is filled with as much love as they are mucus. be careful when hugging your friends not to get snot on them!
15 - Hotdog Selecter: another of the “strong nose” signs, hotdog selecters and tagnagastos get along very well, when they stop arguing about mustard of course! also, you love dicks, whether it’s your own or someone else’s, in a romantic or platonic way
16 - Sailboat Master/Mistress: sophisticated, refined, elegant, these are words that I wouldn’t use to describe a sailboat master/mistress. you are the underdog in every situation you go into, but you always come out on top. keep going, you will win the prize!
18 - Yung Farmhouse: you are so classy, i think you deserve an award. you love your friends but sometimes have difficulty hanging out with them
20 - Very Impotent Person: you can’t get it up. you think you can, perhaps, in the literal sense, but figuratively you are a wet paper bag. don’t even try
21 - Hilltop Viewer: never piss off a hilltop viewer, they will see you coming a mile away! you are a very difficult person to catch off guard, but you are always good to your friends, but sometimes have difficulty hanging out with them
22 - Barnacle Liker: you get along very well with sailboat masters/mistresses as you share their love of the sea. You are a good friend but sometimes forgetful
24 - Smelter: you enjoy making things, preferably out of metal. Your favourite thing to do online is go on forums dedicated to ore. Be wary of your love for the jewels of the earth as it could harm those around you. If you date a swooner you will both die, because of Fate
25 - Bringer Homer Ofer The Baconer: you work hard for the money, so hard for it honey. You work hard for the money so people better treat you right
27 - Green Facility: here’s your lucky number, although I suspect you already know it: 420. you can’t get enough of smoking that stuff. make sure your job doesn’t drug test. A relationship with a Big Bong Fucker will be spicy but could exhaust you sexually, so make sure your libidio is up to it!
28 - Mountain Man/Woman: you live in a shack in the mountains prepared for the apocalypse. you are friends with all the wild beasts and know the names of every tree. another mountain man/woman would be your ideal mate, but make sure you have good boundaries
30 - X: very mysterious….enigmatic. very very special. the most special sign. you like your friends but sometimes have difficult hanging out with them.
32 - Big Bong Fucker: you are sexually arroused by weed. it turns you on so much. something about the smell, the texture, that high feeling, really does it for you. try not to become a sex worker to feed your habit, although it makes sense logically, sex workers have a difficult time of it due to the nature of our society
35 - Serial Killer: you are out there every night feasting on the flesh of the innocent, or not so innocent if you see yourself as a righteous bringer of justice. you burn bright like a flare and will most likely be caught by the FBI soon
36 - Flower Contest Judger: everything around you is colourful and full of life, you bring joy to everything you touch. but eventually, that joy must turn to sorrow. every relationship you have will sour because of how judgemental you are.
40 - Watercolour Painter: You are very artistic and love to create, whether the things you create are actual works of art or the relationships in your life. You take care of anyone and rescue a lot of injured animals. Stay away from Serial Killers as they can be dangerous for you and your sensibility.
42 - Office Administrationer: you are destined for a job in data entry. you are not special. you are a drone.
45 - Sexy Party Guest: ooof. phwoar. i’m hard just thinking about you. You are the sexiest party guest, everyone is just hoping to catch a glimpse of you shirtless. You will never have to pay for drinks in your life
48 - Lookeeloo: hey butt your nose out! i’m just kidding, i know it’s your unchangeable nature to want to know what’s going on. A good career for you would be an investigative reporter or a scientist studying the fundamentals of the universe. You like your friends but sometimes have difficulty hanging out with them.
49 - Harold’s Friend: you are best friends with Harold. Perhaps you are Harold. Harold’s Friends called Harold are always very fulfilled people, very self-reliant. Change your name to Harold if you want to achieve success.
54 - White Knight: you are the hero, you are the savoir. when you come in the room people realise that that is what they wanted to happen most in the world. For some reason sad lonely men take an instant dislike to you. I don’t think I have to explain why this isn’t such a bad thing.
56 - Total Tryhard: you have tattoos covering every inch of your skin, whether it’s your literal skin or your metaphorical skin. you have a literal beard, or maybe a metaphorical beard. you are wearing a literal hat or maybe a metaphorical hat. You are trying way too hard and you always will. But you could be less of a try hard. Don’t try not to be a tryhard, that will most likely just make it worse. Solving this metaphysical riddle will be your life’s work, but enlightenment will be worth it.
63 - Albino: you have white hair and red eyes because you have a condition known as albinism, where your body produces either no, or very little, melanin. visit your doctor if you haven’t already. You love your friends but sometimes have difficult hanging out with them.
So, that’s the new Zodiac, I hope everyone has fun knowing what their new SCIENTIFICALLY APPROVED sign is.