071005

Blast from the past.

So my sister told me she saw my ex last night at a party. & they know eachother because in the past, I would tell her about him and she was the only sister who basically knew about him and didn’t care that I had a boyfriend. I guess she asked “wait aren’t you _____?” & he asked if she was my sister & if she was the sister that was from Longbeach & she said yes. & he goes “well this is awkward.” Lol, I find that so weird in a way though, them actually meeting. & the fact that he still remembers her. & my sister even said he looks like a good guy type & yes, he definitely is(: he’s the type of guy that would never hurt a girl & damn, I lost something good, so that’s my regret. But at least we’re still friends, or acquaintances. He’s still the nicest guy I know & I’m proud of all he’s accomplished & I’m glad he’s happy.

2

Where it all Began.

Seven years ago, just seven years ago.. I met this little boy, probably the tiniest in the sixth grade. our meeting was.. let’s just say very unusual.

I was new, the new kid at the school at the end of sixth grade year. .. I knew no one, not a soul. We waited at the same bus stop every morning, I noticed him and his friend. Although, we never spoke to each other other.

I was then introduced to him one morning before school started, but he didn’t seem to care (obviously cause he doesn’t remember today). A couple months later into the year, I made a few friends. Coincidently, one of them happened to be his younger sister. I swear, she could have passed as his older sister.

So one day, we decided to hang out, his sister, some friends, and I, at the “Boys and Girls Club.” This happened to be the first day we interacted with one another. It was the most strangest thing possible. The greeting was most definitely, unexpected. He punched me. Yes, punched me and he didn’t even know me.

I didn’t understand why but I used the method of self-defense and gave him a taste of his own medicine. He followed me home attacking my aunts and I with snowballs. Weeks and months later, it became a formal greeting. Whenever we saw each other, it was brutal. Punches flew in from left and right, and still we found a sense of joy within every one of them.

We talked and talked, and then he asked me to be his girlfriend. I rejected him at first. The second time around, I grew feelings for him. We became official on July 10 of 2005.

Our relationship was still in progress. We were probably the shyest kids in town. Whenever it came to seeing each other or just hanging out, we made not a sound. We couldn’t talk to each other unless it was over the phone or on the Internet. It was pathetic but still we managed to be together for a while.

We were sooo shy it took us six months just to have our first kiss. Yes, six whole months. January 13th, on a Friday of 2006. Everyone was happy for us, all of our friends were there basically and they made a big deal out of it. But the moment was special, we stood in the rain above th stars that night.

By the beginning of seventh grade we started to encounter some struggles and I just couldn’t stand the idea of him, so we broke up (I broke up with him, I’m the bad guy of this story). But every time that he fought for me, I took him back. There was so many tears, and shattered pieces.

I remember one night, he stood outside my window crying… it was raining, but I didn’t bother to come out to see him. (I’m sorry, Babe). I didn’t want to hear him out, because I know he’d win my heart all over again. It’s was already hard to get pass the fact that he stood out there for me. We were on and off since. 

By eighth grade, we were still trying to perfect our relationship. Just before summer arrived, we broke up again. We spent months apart, and we both played our parts in being strong. But our friends knew that we were just putting up a front.

They knew that we still loved each other, somehow even if it was just a little. It was hard not to, we had the same group of friends and saw each other so often, it hurt. Our friends one day, couldn’t take it anymore, and so they decided to bring us back together.

Everyone showed up at my house one night, just for fun. Eventually our friends started teasing him, saying things such as “We know you still love her,” etc. They even attempted to get me outside. I rebelled, but eventually they dragged me out.

As soon as we became locked in arms we cried. It didn’t take much for me to take him back, just a few words from him.. and I was his all over again. I’m weak when it comes to being with him. Freshmen year, we made it to three years on and off.

We tried and tried, but it didn’t matter how much effort took place; We fell apart anyways. Summer of sophomore year, I completely gave up. I didn’t want to try anymore. I had no hope in us what so ever. This time round, I made sure that he wouldn’t get to me and I wouldn’t cave.

I had a few guys who liked me then. I was stuck between four guys. One, being my best friend who I had lost in this situation. I talked to every single on of them. I mislead all of them without meaning. I didn’t even realize it, but then again I didn’t hesitate. I made my biggest mistake with him then. I lead him on, and didn’t choose him in the end. I left. I was just tired, perfecting our relationship was impossible.

We decided then to see other people. We despised each other, we never talked. He couldn’t stand the sight of me. We couldn’t even stand having the same classes. He moved to Missouri, that same year but we became acquaintances before he did. He gave me back a necklace that he bought for me once. I remember him asking me to throw it away when I decided that we were done for. I couldn’t, and I wouldn’t. For a whole year I believed that he threw it into the ocean, but he kept it. 

I was with someone new at the time. Things didn’t turn out well, but Thao returned to my side, he decided to come on home. We became closer friends, and he was always there for me when things went wrong. He was there to build me up as a stronger person. He took me out of my misery. I was heart broken, and he lent me his hugs and shoulder to lean on. Whenever I called, he was there.

He was there for me every step of the way, even when it hurt him to see me cry over another guy. .. a guy that wasn’t him. Supposedly, he still loved me. Even after two whole years of trying to get over me. I didn’t believe him, But I, too was guilty. 

I remember one day, when I was going through some troubles with “that guy” I cried in his arms and mumbled.. “I wish I didn’t let you go.” I wasn’t thinking when I said it obviously, but I was being honest.

He tried to get me to admit it the day after so he could hint me about his feelings, but I neglected it. A few days after, he came over drunk with our brother, as I was crying. He lectured me, bullied me, and hit me a couple times. He even called me stupid because I was crying over someone who wasn’t worth it.

That same night, I saw it in him. I saw it. I knew he still loved me, just because of the things he said, the way that he looked at me, the way that he held my hand, and his warm embrace. He didn’t come through though, because he didn’t even remember it the next day.

October, 2010 came around, he was again intoxicated, not much but just enough. Our brother persuaded him to call me, to tell me that he loved me, and if I would take him back. I didn’t believe him though, just because he had been drinking. I didn’t want to believe that after all these years, these past 6 years, he was still in love with me. It wasn’t possible, he dated so many girls and what not. .. he then told me that, he was only trying to get over me.

For two months since then, he tried to prove it to me. He chased after me, but it wasn’t even that much of a chase because he made me his, in no time… just  because he couldn’t wait anymore. I was his again on December 1st, 2010. He didn’t even ask, he just told me I was his when we hung out that night.

Today, I no longer cry severely. Today, I’ve become a stronger person. Today, I am with him once again, and we’re going to try even harder. I am happy. I’m happy that he always stuck by me. I’m happy that he stuck to loving me. I couldn’t ask for anything else, as of now. Our comfort is beyond reach, maybe it was because we rushed it in the beginning.. we didn’t take the time to get to know one another…. now that we do though? I just want to live in the moment, in the moment with him.

One year, since yesterday, and I’ve, so far, been at my best… with him. It makes me wonder, what’s in stores for our future. I’m ready, I’m prepared, and I will fight through everything that strikes at us, because I want this to work, I want us to work. Through thick and thin.

I don’t wish for either one of us to get hurt anymore. We’ve grown a lot since then.

I love you, Babe. <3

I'll be honest,

I still think about you from time to time. I don’t think I still have feelings for you, but I do wonder what could’ve been. I think you’ll always have a place in my heart, because you were the first guy I’ve ever cared for that much. When people mention you, and ask me what happened.. I look back, and I’m like, “it was my fault”. Because it was, and til this day, I still regret what I did. We hardly talk anymore, and we’ve both moved on with our lives, but I hope you won’t be a complete stranger to me. I hope that you don’t forget me completely.

I wish I had the guts to talk to you. We only talk once in a long while, and it’s always you that starts the conversation. I never hit you up first, because I don’t want to bother you.. I don’t want to make it awkward. I wish we could talk like we used to, but it’s different now. You have your own life, and so do I. But I still think about you, and I still think about what used to be. I wouldn’t be able to forget it, even if I wanted to.