I want to start testosterone in August/September, but I also don’t want to.
I mean I want to, but I don’t want to come out to my extended family. I don’t want to come out at uni. I want to change my passport but I also don’t want to get a hysto (I’m 19 I’m not ready to be sterilized…). I want to look how I feel but I don’t want to pass as male with a female gender marker and a female name in my passport. I want to transition but without all the emotional challenges that come with it.
Funny thing is, say I had a hormonal disorder of some sort that would make my body produce extra testosterone and mirror the effects of HRT… I’d want that to happen. But it’s different because then I wouldn’t be responsible for that decision, it would just happen. With HRT, I can’t say it just happened because I have to make it happen. I want the effects, but I don’t want people to judge me and say I chose to be transgender.
I just wanna wake up tomorrow in a cis male body as if I was never assigned female at birth. Or transition without a single person around me, family, friend, teacher or whatever, finding out or noticing. Or move somewhere, where no one knows me, and transition there. Cause I’m not ready to be rejected, disowned, hated, harassed, etc etc.
So I want to start testosterone but I also don’t. And I hate it.