.what if

On the topic of humans being everyone’s favorite Intergalactic versions  of Gonzo the Great:
Come on you guys, I’ve seen all the hilarious additions to my “humans are the friendly ones” post. We’re basically Steve Irwin meets Gonzo from the Muppets at this point. I love it. 

But what if certain species of aliens have Rules for dealing with humans?

  • Don’t eat their food. If human food passes your lips/beak/membrane/other way of ingesting nutrients, you will never be satisfied with your ration bars again.
  • Don’t tell them your name. Humans can find you again once they know your name and this can be either life-saving or the absolute worst thing that could happen to you, depending on whether or not they favor you. Better to be on the safe side.
  • Winning a human’s favor will ensure that a great deal of luck is on your side, but if you anger them, they are wholly capable of wiping out everything you ever cared about. Do not anger them.
  • If you must anger them, carry a cage of X’arvizian bloodflies with you, for they resemble Earth mo-skee-toes and the human will avoid them.
    • This does not always work. Have a last will and testament ready.
  • Do not let them take you anywhere on your planet that you cannot fly a ship from. Beings who are spirited away to the human kingdom of Aria Fiv-Ti Won rarely return, and those that do are never quite the same.

Basically, humans are like the Fair Folk to some aliens and half of them are scared to death and the others are like alien teenagers who are like “I dare you to ask a human to take you to Earth”.

It genuinely bothers me how good an idea Danny Phantom was. The premise of a teenage ghost superhero fighting evil spirits while living in the home of his ghost hunter parents is such a truly fresh idea I’m astonished it happened at all. There were so many problems with the show and I can’t tell if they were the fault of the creators or Nickelodeon trying to keep it too close to Fairly Odd Parents instead of letting this brilliant idea breath and act as its own entity. Can you imagine how amazing this show would have been in a post Adventure Time post Avatar environment that would have allowed it to explore the narrative it was clearly interested in weaving? The potential this show had bothers me so much.

Teddy Lupin and The Sorting Hat.
  • <p> <b><p></b> <b>11-year-old Teddy :</b> *walks up to the Sorting Hat*<p/><b>Sorting Hat :</b> "Hufflepuff!"<p/><b>Smol Teddy, confused :</b> "But I didn't even wear you"<p/><b>Sorting Hat :</b> "This is your first day and you're already making friendship bracelets"<p/><b>Smol Teddy, holding up multiple friendship bracelets :</b> "It is never too early to make memories!"<p/><b>Sorting Hat, sighing :</b> "Yep, you're a Hufflepuff"<p/></p><p/></p>
HOGWARTS HOUSES BULLET JOURNALS
  • Gryffindor: doodles things, write motivation quotes, kinda messy but full of positiveness, give small goals everyday, list of things that makes them happy.
  • Slytherin: organisation, fully-written at the end of the day, check with flashy colors when something is done, writes advices to be faster and better next time.
  • Ravenclaw: doodles, calligraphy of quotes, drawings everywhere, stick photos, list of books to read/movies to watch, a real mess but beautiful to see.
  • Hufflepuff: full of study goals, motivation and songs quotes, playlist of study music, list of good food to eat whil studying, minimalist and pratical.
On the “What would be humans’ weird thing” topic

What if it’s this insane need to over optimize? I mean, look at our competitions.  You can run fast enough for any practical purpose with, like, a few months’ training. And most species stop there, like sane people. 

But not humans. Humans are like, “Oh, well, you can cover a mile in 4 minutes and 3 seconds? Well I can do it in 4 minutes and two seconds!”  

Most species figure that, if you don’t drown when you’re thrown in a liquid, that’s what we call a “good swimmer”.  But humans are like “No, you have to swim in this specific way.  And then we’re gonna see who can do it fastest!”

How many millions of dollars have been spent on technology, nutrition, equipment, not to mention hours upon hours of practice, just to shave 1/10 of one second off of a race time?? 

Or they make up rules, and then compete to see who can adhere to them better. “Strap blades on your feet and move across a slippery surface – but do it in this way, in this amount of time: no more, no less!”

We have competitions wherein the top two competitors differ only in their ability to make a single muscle twitch 2% faster than their opponent, or to make this muscle twitch instead of that one.  There is no practical difference between an Olympic weightlifter and any random US Marine… but we keep holding the Olympics anyway. 

And I just think it’s possible the aliens are going to look at that and go… “You do what, now?”

I fear that one day I will bump into you on the street or inside a restaurant then my world will zero in on you and I will feel the same way as I did that day I had to let you go. I’m scared that years from now, when we have seemingly moved on with our own lives and living it with different people, we’ll still be each other’s greatest what-if.
—  Why La la land fucked me up / deepthoughtsofanobody