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when older relatives talk to u and they be like “ooh my child enjoy ur youth! those were the best years of my life!! those were the days!!!” and i’m like… if these are going to be the best days of my life bury me already lmao

Here goes

I been scared, sad, depressed, angry, annoyed, pissed off with myself. I have no hope left in myself, I been thinking what is the point of living anymore if all I am gonna get is the same “Oh it will be okay I promise” or “Just try to see the light of things” I can’t do that alright? I am gonna say a few of people I screwed up friendships with because (A) I was annoying and vented to much or (B) I made them panic or hurt them to a point.

First I am gonna say Person 1, me and her never talked a lot.. but she followed me and I followed her, I loved what she did and her art was amazing, Until she unfollowed me one day.. Because I vented?? And she was tired of it?? Well she never pitched in and helped me! I messaged her privately, I inboxed her and recently she blocked me on her new Deviantart account when I messaged her on her page?? What the fuck did I do ?? Is this because of myself being annoying or do you like hurting others? I never said this but I hate this person now so much! I am blocking her on here once i’m done writing this… If she ever sees this she will KNOW who she is. I don’t honestly care if you hate me for being honest Person 1.

Person 2, You and me were mutuals, I looked up to you.. Your art is just amazing, One day I said I had a skype and you wanted me to add you which I did, I was always nervous to talk to you.. You then messaged me one day asking about a dhmis chat I had made. I told you it was closed and you said you wanted to be included in the fandom.. Me and you began to fight and it was not a good night.. You put my messages from Skype all over Tumblr and exposed me as a fool. No we made up and I understand if you still have no trust in me and I feel the same way, But you are a good person and you are needed ! Please remember that

Person 3, You and I talk.. You get sad a lot though and I feel ignored around you sometimes. You say things like “no one cares” or “I have no one” and it gets me really sad because I try my hardest to impress and talk to you..?? I don’t know where I am going wrong, Maybe you just want space or you rather talk to someone else about these issues, I mean I get how hard it is to fight depression but I can assure you that MANY people love you so much! And that includes me, When we RP its so FUNNY! YOU HAVE THE CUTEST ART EVER !!! AAAAA You are just so amazing, And cool- I look up to you so much right now! You will know who you are when you read this, Please don’t hate me ;o;

Person 4, WE ARE BESTIES!! AAAA YOU HAVE THE BEST PAINTINGS, But when you are away I feel so lost and sick… I feel like I can’t live without you.. I cry and panic and hurt myself, You suffer so much and I just wanna hug you so much, You are so pretty and talented! I wish I was like you and I could be just as loved.. I love you so much, You are the best friend I could ever ask for, I am glad I met you

Person 5, We are in a relationship, You are so cute omfg, You have the cutest hair ever XDD You are the best person EVER AND YOUR ART- 10/10!! JUST I WANNA BE YOU, I wish I had as much inspirations following as you do… You are just so special and I wanna huggle and kissle you so much, I wanna meet you also so we can talk and do GF stuff  (???) You make me smile so much and its the best time when we are acting like goof balls on hangouts


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More coming soon

I am breaking down as I type this..

update (of sorts) 

yesterday afternoon i had a kind of moment when i ‘realised’ how far I’d come etc. and for me a big indicator has always been if i can spend time alone? like when i’m sick/mentally ill i hate being alone, thoughts are So intrusive and intense and particularly EDwise, my head tells me that I can’t eat when I’m alone because no one will see and if there’s no proof/evidence that someone can say I did eat then I shouldn’t?? (so much logic [not]). 

and then yesterday afternoon I was walking down to the beach alone, wearing just my one-piece swimsuit & a sarong and spent a whole half an hour alone, not talking or thinking too intensely and it’s like *lightbulb moment* I can be alone w myself again !!!