...say anything

Hello yes my heart is ready to be taken

2

BLESS TSUKIYAMA FOR ORGANIZING THE WEDDING CEREMONY!!

[The half-elf bard with a criminal background decides to look for marshmallows for their campfire while in a forest. This is our second session.]
DM: Roll for perception.
Bard: 14?
DM: Well, you definitely find something. Your character stumbles into a field of fluffy white plants and they sure LOOK like marshmallows.
Bard: Can I roll to inspect them?
DM: Sure.
Bard: 17.
DM: They’re drugs.
Bard: …. I call my underground contact and ask how much I can sell each plant for.
DM: *rolls* Okay. He says he’ll take them for two gold apiece.
Bard: How many can I sell him?
DM: *rolls a perfect 100* I… he. He’ll take the whole field. Unbelievable.
Bard: I sell him all of them.
DM: This is… in a few days your character will receive 17,000 gold.
Bard, returning to the camp: Guess who just become everybody’s sugar daddy.

Uncoiling All Of My Plans

Context: I dm a group of players in a heavily homebrewed game and we were coming to their characters end of the mission sequence so that they could make new characters and all of that. One of my friends used to play an elven bars that never really did much, but they always collected items that boosted charisma.

They make it to the cave entrance

Me: you come across a large cave entrance and-

Bard: I’m going to start drinking all of my charisma potions as we walk down.

Me: ok go ahead then.

Final fight rolls around:

Me: as you walk into the end of the cave, you are met by… the bones of ancient dragon. You see a woman riding atop the creature, staring down at you all.

Me as Boss: Leave here, retched creatures. You need not know the power that you try to best.

Me OOC: everyone roll initiative

The elven bard gets the highest initiative.

Bard: Why leave now when I’m struck by your everlasting beauty?

Bard OOC: and I say that to seduce her

Me OOC: I mean if you want to… roll everything plus those potions you’ve been drinking. How many of those did you have?

Bard: 287…

Me: *wideyed* what?

Bard: yeah… plus I have all my charisma gear… my whole armor set is dedicated to boosting my charisma…

After a solid minute or rolling all of his die

Bard: the final score comes down to… 363

Me: I still have to roll a check to see if she defeats that score…

*rolls Nat 1*

Me: YOU CHARISMATIC ELVEN SON OF A GNOMISH WHORE!!!!

Long story short, they married and had 8 children…