You’ve heard of 110% Jack Zimmermann, now get ready for
0% Jack Zimmermann.
- There’s a cookout at a neighboring
frat house, and the hockey team plus Farmer go to hang out and drink beer. They
start playing an impromptu game of volleyball in the yard, and Jack’s on
- Now, Chowder is steeling himself
for strategy, Jack’s murder face, and a lot of competitive bullshit.
- What he gets is Jack chirping
Holster, who isn’t even in the yard. The ball goes flying right past Jack’s
face and this total meatball just watches it bounce out of bounds.
- “Ha ha, look at it go.”
- Chowder kicks Jack off his team
because they are losing so bad, it’s actually pretty embarrassing. And Jack’s
like, “What? Of course I can play with a Sprite in my hand.”
- “Jack no.”
- Also consider:
- Jack studying for a class that he
has zero interest in. His studying for economics looks an awful lot like
- “Jack, why is there a popsicle
stick Eiffel Tower on the kitchen table? Wait, where did these popsicle sticks
even come from?”
- Jack actually gives negative fucks
when it comes to cooking just for himself. His meals don’t even make sense half
of the time. Bitty caught him eating a bowl of mac and cheese, tater tots,
green peas and ketchup once. He still has nightmares.
- There’s another cookout on Frat
row that the hockey team crashes (but they bring tub juice so they get to
stay). Someone set up a badminton net in the yard and Jack somehow gets roped
- (Not by Chowder, though, because
that’s the kind of lesson you only have to learn once.)
- Bitty is playing his little
Southern heart out, running up and down his side of the makeshift court. He
swings at the birdie so hard it actually gets stuck in his racket.
- Meanwhile, Jack is seeing if he
can balance his racket on his chin.
- And then he tries to see if he can
whack the birdie onto the frat house’s roof. Which turns into several people
cussing him out and Bitty chases him around for a few minutes with the intent
of beating Jack Zimmermann’s ass.
- (Jack laughs and laughs and maybe
he lets Bitty catch him and then he grins up at him—there had been a leaping
tackle involved in the take down—and he says “What’re you gonna do with me now,
Bittle?” And Bitty is Not Amused, so he pinches Jack’s nipple hard and then he
goes help the frat bros get the birdie out of the gutter.)
- Jack loves history, but only some
history. He gives a lengthy presentation on Colonial North America in one of
his history classes, and at the end the TA raises her hand. “How did Thomas
Jefferson’s contributions shift the course of United States history?”
- And he just squints at her and
goes, “Who the fuck is Thomas Jefferson?”
- Watching TV with Jack is a gamble.
He’s either on the edge of his seat, eyes trained on the screen, ready to
permanently silence anyone who dares speak/interrupt his show. Or he talks over
the TV, puts it on mute to better hear someone else talk over the TV, and makes
fun of the various American accents on the show.
- (Jack’s southern accent is so bad
and he knows it, and he makes it so much worse when Bitty is around to hear it.
It’s all fun and games until a French Canadian on TV has something to say, and
then Jack’s all like “Wtf, Bitty? I thought we were friends!?” Bitty is really
glad he sprung for throw pillows in the Haus, because otherwise he would end up
concussing his captain.)
- Jack took one semester of Spanish,
and he remembers a surprising amount of it, considering he went to class a
total of six times and did virtually none of the work. His Spanish is terrible,
but he knows numbers, colors, seasons and “No bueno.” For some time, lots of
things were “no bueno.”
- But then Jack stumbled across ASL
via YouTube and he gets super into it. By the end of the week he knows about as
much ASL as he does Spanish. By the end of the month he can sign the most
beautiful profanity and dad jokes. By the end of the school year it’s started
rubbing off on the rest of the team.
- (Their butchered ASL is somehow
worse than Jack’s Spanish, and he would be more annoyed if it weren’t
hilarious. For some time Ransom and Holster take to pointing at good things and
then making the sign for “candy.” Sriracha? Candy. Apple pie? Candy. The
mysterious orange cat that wanders along Frat Row? Candy. Chowder’s stuffed
shark? Candy. The latest episode of Breaking Bad? Candy. Pretty soon everyone
starts using the candy sign as a gesture of approval. One Sunday Jack walks
down to the kitchen to find Bitty making those amazing sausage balls, with real
maple syrup and grated sharp cheddar. Jack touches his shoulder so that Bitty’s
looking at him and then he presses a finger to his jaw, candy, and points to Bitty so there’s no misunderstanding. Bitty
blushes clear to the roots of his hair, even when he says, “Y’all are so
- This takes us to a new friend. Ransom
and Holster and Jack and Chowder are chilling in the dining hall, and Ransom
and Holster are using their terrible pidgin ASL (half the signs are made up and
the rest don’t matter) which catches the eye of one Amy Willashire, who is HOH
and still pretty new to Samwell.
- Amy marches her happy ass up to
the table and starts signing away, a mile a minute, the biggest grin on her
face because sometimes it feels like she’s the only HOH student on campus. That
grin slowly fades as Ransom and Holster stare at her like she’s grown a second
head. (They’re actually panicking, because they understand about one word in
ten and how are they going to tell her that?)
- And then Jack perks up and starts
signing back, so Amy is signing to him. He has to tell her twice to slow tf
down, but then she sits with them and by the time the hockey crew have to go to
class she’s chirping Jack for his ASL accent. (Some of his signs come out
backwards, and he’ll swap hands halfway through a thought instead of using his
dominant hand for most of the work. Jack flips her off with a laugh, which is a
sign everyone can get right.)
- So Jack and Amy are ASL buddies.
Amy is super stoked that most of the hockey team knows at least some of the
language, which means she can tell them something in a pinch. So the team
learns even more ASL and Amy learns about hockey, and things are golden.
- Until Amy invites Jack and Dex to
a pool party. Everyone there is at least one beer in, and they’re playing in
the pool, and someone mentions water chicken. Amy wants to play, so as a matter
of course she clambers onto Jack’s shoulders.
- From her vantage point, she can’t
tell what Jack’s saying but she can feel him giggling like a bastard as they
wipe out literally every time, to the point where everyone else is playing pool
chicken and she is trying to splash Jack into next week. He’s splashing back.
It’s a whole thing.
- (They find Dex in the basement
with a few of the stoners and a lingering smell of pot. Dex has finally found
- That is what 0% Jack Zimmermann