I know these will all be stories some day, and our pictures will become old photographs. We all become somebody’s mom or dad. But right now, these moments are not stories. This is happening. I am here, and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive. And you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song, and that drive with the people who you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012), dir. Stephen Chbosky
I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.
these are all quotes that I have hilighted in my copy of my favorite book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky(:
Aries: “I didn’t know that other people thought things about me. I didn’t know that they looked” (38). // “I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn’t” (73-4).
Taurus: “Sam has brown hair and very very pretty green eyes. The kind of green that doesn’t make a big deal about itself” (19).// “It’s just hard to see a friend hurt this much. Especially when you can’t do anything except ‘be there.’ I want to make him stop hurting, but I can’t. So, I just follow him around whenever he wants to show me his world” (161).
Gemini: “I guess when you see somebody in the hallway or on the field or something, it’s nice to know that they are a real person” (34). // “I am very interested and fascinated by how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other” (56).
Cancer: “To tell you the truth, I love Sam. It’s not a movie kind of love either. I just look at her sometimes, and I think she is the prettiest and nicest person in the whole world” (47-8). // “It’s like looking at all the students and wondering who’s had their heart broken that day […]. And wondering why. Especially since I know that if they went to another school, the person who had their heart broken would have had their heart broken by somebody else, so why does it have to be so personal?” (142).
Leo: “My mom is beautiful. And she’s always on a diet. Sometimes, my dad calls her beautiful, but she cannot hear him” (16). // “I just thought to myself that in the palm of my hand, there was this one tape that had all of these memories and feelings and great joy and sadness. Right there in the palm of my hand. And I thought about how many people have loved those songs […] I bet if I wrote one of them, I would be very proud. I hope the people who wrote those songs are happy. I hope they feel it’s enough. I really do because they’ve made me happy. And I’m only one person” (63-4).
Virgo: *About To Kill a Mockingbird* “It is now my favorite book of all time, but then again, I always think that until I read another book” (9). // “I never once thought it would mean that Sam might start liking me. All I cared about was the fact that Sam got really hurt. And I guess I realized at that moment that I really did love her. Because there was nothing to gain, and that didn’t matter” (179).
Libra: “I look at people holding hands in the hallways, and I try to think about how it all works […]. And I wonder if anyone is really happy. I hope they are. I really hope they are” (24). // “This all feels very familiar. But it’s not mine to be familiar about. I just know that another kid has felt this […]. And all the books you’ve read have been read by other people. And all the songs you’ve loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that’s pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing ‘unity’” (95-6).
Scorpio: “’We accept the love we think we deserve’” (24). // “When I was done reading the poem, everyone was quiet. A very sad quiet. But the amazing thing was that it wasn’t a bad sad at all. It was just something that made everyone look around at each other and know that they were there. Sam and Patrick looked at me […]. And I think they knew. Not anything in specific really. They just knew. And that’s all you can ever ask from a friend” (66).
Sagittarius: “I am very in love with Sam, and it hurts very much” (49). // “So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them” (211).
Capricorn: “’You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand’” (37). // “People who try to control situations all the time are afraid that if they don’t, nothing will work out the way they want” (130).
Aquarius: “’Sometimes people use thought to not participate in life’” (24). // “It’s like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means that you’re happy, too” (96).
Pisces: “I turned around and walked to my room and closed my door and put my head under my pillow and let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be” (26). // “I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid” (94).
“So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”
I don’t know if I will have the time to write any more letters because I might be too busy trying to participate. So if this does end up being the last letter, I just want you to know that I was in a bad place before I started high school, and you helped me. Even if you didn’t know what I was talking about or know someone who’s gone through it, you made me not feel alone. Because I know there are people who say all these things don’t happen. And there are people who forget what it’s like to be 16 when they turn 17. I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We’ll all become somebody’s mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening. I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite.