*tom hiddleston

Directed by the folks behind Lil Jon’s genital-possessed “Turn Down For What” music video, the film, it’s probably no surprise to hear, opens with Paul Dano literally riding a violently farting corpse to shore like a jet ski – a scene that required the production team to construct a prosthetic mold of Radcliffe’s bare ass and record their own farts to use in post.

As described by Variety, the whole experience is a cross between Castaway and Weekend At Bernie’s… if Bernie had a posthumous erection that was then used as a makeshift compass. No, really – that’s something that happens in this movie … along with the hero drinking buckets of water puked by a corpse and an underwater kissing scene between Paul Dano and Daniel Radcliffe. Sign me the fuck up. By all accounts, this film looks so tongue-eatingly crazy that even the behind-the-scenes photos look like FBI surveillance of a cult’s final day.

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David Marti on instagram: Tom after a long shooting day.

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daviddtsfx Tom after a long shooting day. CRIMSON PEAK shooting May 2014.

The Sins of the Sharpe Family Conveyed in Heraldry

Crimson Peak’s Sir Thomas and Lady Lucille may live in Cumbria, but they live in a world entirely of their own invention. This is evident in their family crest, which elaborates on elements from the Cumbrian coat of arms (seen directly below) with an appropriately sinister twist. 

Compare to the Sharpes’ distinctive heraldry:

Wyverns: Valor and protection; cold and ice; a venomous bite. Here symbolizing Thomas and Lucille entwined in the remains of their family estate.

Sheep’s Head: Authority; a sacrifice; rebirth. In addition to the nod to Cumbria, here we see a badge of the honor and respectability that remain perpetually out of the Sharpes’ reach – possibly an allusion to the Cushings and other families upon whom they’ve preyed. 

Three Skulls: An attribute of hermits and penitent holy figures; mortality. These replace the three roses on the Cumbrian coat of arms, slyly alluding to the three previous Mrs. Thomas Sharpes.

Hills of Cumbria: Britain’s most mountainous area. The Sharpe’s red clay deposits can be seen flowing across the bottom.

Ad montes oculos levavi: “I shall lift up mine eyes to the hills” – the first line of the 121st Psalm.

Bucket Wheel Excavator: This heraldic element was most likely added by Thomas himself to enshrine his legacy as a mining innovator, since these types of excavators were otherwise not seen until the early 20th century

The story doesn’t have to end here. Keep the Sharpes close to your heart with this ominous piece of jewelry by Black Phoenix Trading Post:

SHARPE FAMILY CREST

$69.50

Heraldic dragons entwined, reigning over the Cumbrian Hills together.

3 1/8” wide, 2 5/8” high. Antiqued pewter, 18” chain.