Part Five 👉🏻http://newtandthediamonds.tumblr.com/post/153580828383/all-i-fear-part-5
Part Six 👉🏻http://newtandthediamonds.tumblr.com/post/153712842878/all-i-fear-part-6
Part Seven 👉🏻http://newtandthediamonds.tumblr.com/post/153930031023/all-i-fear-part-7
Part Eight 👉🏻http://newtandthediamonds.tumblr.com/post/154113571683/all-i-fear-part-8
Maybe I’m just overthinking everything, I don’t know…but my entire situation with Newt has been so confusing.
All I do is spend time thinking about what happened on repeat, and it crushes me every time.
It’s all I think about when I run in the maze every. Having all that time to myself makes my thoughts run hectically.
I cross back into the glade as see the sun peeking over the stone walls around us, indicating that the doors are closing soon.
I glance down at my wristwatch.
Perfect timing, the doors are just about to close. Thankfully, I got back in time. That’s why runners have to be fast; If you aren’t fast, then you won’t make it back in time.
“How was your run?” Minho asks, breathing heavily as he passes through the doors.
“It was alright. I wasn’t loving it today,” I respond and shrug, fixing my shirt.
“Okay. Well, you should go to Tracher,” he says in a rush and looks over his shoulder.
“What the hell is up with you, dude? I have to record my course.”
“No, I’ll do it for you. I’ve ran the section you’ve ran today before. Go to Tracher, now.”
I simply nod and walk off to my room, not wanting to deal with anyone right now. What is wrong with Minho today? He’s bugging out.
This past week in the glade has been quiet, which isn’t always the best sign. Nobody has been feeling right. Ten Gladers have been sent to the medjack for injuries in the last two days, and nobody knows why we’re all feeling so awful. Maybe this feeling they all have is somewhat new, but I’ve been feeling this way for a long time. For roughly seven months, actually. I’ve felt like klunk.
“Hannah!” I hear a guy’s voice yell from the other side of my door as they rapidly knock.
They keep knocking and I stay where I am. Can’t people just leave me alone for one night? Just one little night…
“What the hell?” I whisper and get up, walking across the room and opening the door.
Newt stands there, arms crossed and leaning against the door frame. I look up into his hardened eyes, ones that are staring away from me. He still can’t stand to look me in the eyes. What a coward.
“We have a problem.”
“What are you talking about?” I say and roll my eyes.
“We have a problem. Can you not hear me? I need you to come with me right now.” He says and wraps a strong hand around my wrist.
“Newt, I’m not going with you. I don’t want to even talk to you anymore, I can’t forgive you and I won’t-”
“Shut up. Shut the hell up! I don’t care if you hate me. I need to keep you safe. This isn’t about us.”
I purse my lips and look up into his eyes. He’s genuinely afraid. He’s shaking, actually.
I put my hands on his biceps on each arm and try to steady him.
“Newt, you’re worrying me. Why are you so scared?”
“I-I don’t think I can protect you anymore…”
He takes my hand and ushers me behind him, checking every turn down the hallway to make sure we aren’t seen.
“Newt, what’s going on?” I whisper and tap his shoulder. He hushes me, a finger pressed against his lips.
“Don’t let anybody see or hear you.”
Maybe I should just listen. Maybe he knows best right now. We leave through the back window of Tracher and hug the treeline of the glade, hiding as best we can.
“Where are we go-” I am interrupted by him yanking my body behind the trunk of a tree, a hand clasped over my mouth.
“Shut up,” he mouths before leaning to my ear. “How many times do I have to tell you? I will knock you out and carry you if I need to. Shut up.”
His nearly black eyes bore into mine and I feel his grip on my face loosen.
We continue on our way and crawl down into the brush. I think he’s bringing me out somewhere in the woods. I tighten my hold on his hand and feel a reassuring squeeze in return. He’s really, really scaring me. He’s never been like this before.
“Wait here.” I hear him whisper as he gets up from the ground. I lay against the ground with a dirt covered hand over my own mouth and try to make my breathing softer. I can’t help but let a million different thoughts rush in my mind at the same time.
“Hannah,” he says and I see a hands extend down for me. “Get up, quickly. Follow me.”
I do as he says and find myself outside Alby’s cabin.
“What the hell is going on here?” I whisper at them both.
“Hannah, you aren’t safe. I tried so hard to keep you safe from the moment I realized how different from the rest you are, but I couldn’t. I didn’t realize I should have kept you and Newt even farther apart. I let it slip…” Alby rambles and paces around the room, a crazed expression on his face.
“Alby, what do you mean?” I ask him, nearly yelling. He’s not making any sense.
“Newt, you need to take her away. Shut her up in the bunker for the night and don’t look back. Minho will be waiting. You explain everything to her and then come back out to fight.”
“Can somebody just tell me what the hell is happening?”
“No,” they both say in unison, turning back to each other.
“Are you sure she’ll be safe there?” Newt questions him and reaches back for my hand.
“Nobody is allowed in the woods or near our rooms, Newt. The bunker is hidden. Nobody will see her until we need them to.”
He nods and turns back to me.
“We need to go.”
We leave Alby in his room and run further into the forest. You wouldn’t think so, but this takes up one entire corner of the mighty Glade. The forest is over a few miles long (if you didn’t know how huge the glade is by now).
“Newt, stop.” I say in an absolute need for details once we are in the farthest corner of the walls.
“I’ll answer your questions as soon as we get there.”
I shoot him a confused look.
He points above to the treetops and, as if on cue, a rope slides down from thin air to let us up.
“The bunker. It’s here just in case of dire emergencies or a need to hide. It spans out across about five trees. We have five rooms for every tree. If we truly wanted, we could fit every glader. Nobody else except Minho, Alby and I know…until now, of course.”
I look at Newt in awe, then turn my gaze to the rope. A bunker in the tree tops. Genius. He’s a damn genius.
The climb all the way to the stable tree branches is quite the challenge. It’s scarily high up and a horrifying journey. No glader could find us, never in their wildest dreams. Even if they hear us, they can’t get here without the rope. The tree has no strong branches low enough for people to use to scale it.
“Are you okay with your ankle climbing up?” I ask as he’s nearly at the top, my hair falling over the edge of the wooden floor.
“Hannah, not to ring my own bell or anything, but I could climb up here without using my bloody legs.”
I chuckle softly to myself and stand up to wait for him.
The second he’s up here, I’m interrogating him.
“Tell me why I’m up here and tell me why Alby needs you to fight.”
“The boys, and even some of the other girls, found out about what you do–the communication with Thomas. They think you’re turning against them. They’re plotting to kill you and they think I’m on your side…which I always will be, by the way. So, they’re rioting and I’m fighting back. Meanwhile, you can’t be there.” He says with a hand over my own, holding on tightly.
“What the shuck? You’re telling me that because I hear freaky voices from WICKED in my mind, the Gladers are trying to murder me?” I repeat what he said back to myself as I’m pulled into the main room of the bunker. Minho comes into my vision as we enter.
I stare at them both in disbelief. They all want me dead over something I have zero control over. I didn’t ask for that ability. Thomas just talks to me, and I have no idea who he is or why he can.
“Newt, you should go back. You know Alby is waiting for you.” Minho basically sing-songs at him and I. The two lock eyes.
Newt nods to himself then turns back at me, his hands grabbing my face on either side and pulling me closer. I still feel him shake violently, trembling.
“What are you even-”
He kisses me. Just like before and ten times more frantic and needy. I freeze up and stay exactly where I am, barely moving my lips to kiss him back.
He pulls back, my face still cupped in his rough hands and my lips still slightly grazing his.
“I love you too, Hannah.”
I nearly throw up. Not that I’m grossed out, and not that I don’t reciprocate it. I’m shocked. I’m monumentally shocked as he lets go of me and leaves the room without a sound. Just with the silence of the moment to wallow in.
I’m getting murder plotted against me and he just kissed me. Why am I more so freaking out about being kissed? Can I even forgive him after what he did? Can I let what he just did serve as his apology?
Newt lays before me, completely silent and still in his place. He pulls my hand against his heaving bare chest, right over his heart.
“What were you thinking today?” He asks me, softly catching his breath.
“You don’t want to know,” I say to him grimly and stare blankly ahead, past his eyes.
“Baby, just look at me. Please,” Newt begs me and brings me in closer.
I cry silently and a few tears fall down my face. He gently wipes them off my under eyes.
“I can’t!” I cry out at him, the tears becoming more frequent as I keep going.
“Hannah, all I want is to help-”
I interrupt him by yelling.
“I wanted to die!”
I wanted to die, so I tried to kill myself.
During this exclamation, the sobs can’t be choked back. They just pour out.
“Hannah…” He mutters under his breath, his eyes filling with tears in a matter of seconds.
“I do! I just feel like there is no end to any of it and I can’t fight anymore, Newt. Maybe this isn’t enough.” I say and cry harder.
I’ve never seen him cry through the time I’ve known him, but right now? He’s crying. Not shuddering or sobbing, just crying. He shuts his eyes tightly and let’s the tears roll down his cheeks.
We stay in his bed and he holds me tightly against him as I cry my eyes out into his chest. After a while, my eyes sting from all the crying and my throat is raw from yelling.
“Shh. Just calm down.” He tells me and strokes my hair from my scalp to the back of my head.
“Newt, I-I can’t.”
“I used to get these in the maze, while I ran. They’re called panic attacks. You need to breathe deep and concentrate. As long as you’re in my arms, nothing can ever hurt you. I swear on my life.” He whispers to me and keeps stroking my hair, holding me tightly in his arms.
After a few minutes, I calm down enough to breathe correctly.
“I know what it feels like, Hannah. That darkness, it consumes you. It feels like the water is filling your lungs and you just can’t reach the surface. It feels so hopeless, I know. But you might come across something that reaches in and pulls you up. I might not be enough for you, but I was drowning…and you saved me.” Newt says without any movement, other than breathing and pressing a firm kiss to my forehead.
“I hated it here. I did it out of spite and self-loathing. I can barely…Hannah, I-I can’t,” He starts to breathe quicker and heavier, like he’s panicking.
“You can’t what?” I ask him and hold his face in my small hands.
“I don’t know if I can say it, but I-I tried to…to…I was running and I had a panic attack, even though my actions were planned. Nothing anyone could say would’ve stopped me from jumping off that wall. I tried to kill myself, but it didn’t work. I got this limp as a shitty souvenir. I can’t live any day in my life without remembering it on repeat, replaying in my mind as I simply walk around.” He laughs bitterly at the sick comments he just made, crying at the same time.
“No, Newt, that’s not okay. You couldn’t just-”
“You feel that? That guilt? That’s the heavy weight I just felt; when you say you want death, but you don’t. Not when there’s at least one thing waiting for you here in life,” He says blankly and absently stares ahead, not bothering to meet my eyes.
“Look at me.”
“If I see you in pain, it’ll feel so awful. You wanting to die makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like I’m dying. If you die…I wouldn’t… I can’t put my finger on it. If you died I wouldn’t…I don’t know, Hannah. Have you ever felt that way?” Newt asks me with a tighter grip around my body, only now looking down at me to see my response.
I look into his tear-glazed eyes and nod.
“Yes. I have.”
After the one second-long response, he returns his gaze to the wall.
“If you’ve never noticed, Minho is the person I confide in the most. It’s because I have known him as long as I can remember. He found me. It was so cold and it hurt so much. I never stopped screaming the whole time.”
I run my hand up through his caramel colored hair, looking into his eyes that refuse to meet mine. The ones that hold so many demons and secrets within them.
“You’ll have to leave soon, Hannah.”
I shake my head at the thought.
Never. I can’t leave him today. For us both. I can’t leave because I need him and he needs me. I’m tired of Alby treating him like he’s taking advantage of me. I think it hurts him. No, it kills him.
“Newt,” I weep softly.
His warm brown eyes finally move down to meet mine, and he pulls me tighter against him. I make the first sound.
“I-I can’t say it without knowing if it’s okay. But I…” I take a deep breath and let out what I’ve been hiding.
“I-I love you.”
His head snaps down, analyzing my every move. He looks confused and upset.
“I love you and I couldn’t keep that in. Do you love me too?”
Newt sits up on the bed, his back facing me and his head in his hands. I place a hand on his shoulder, timidly holding it open for him. He moves his arm up, interlocking his fingers into mine. I can see his back muscles tense and feel him take a deep breath in. After a good minute, he finally responds; as if he needed to prepare for the impression of the reality that the words would bring him when he said it out loud for the first time.
“I do…care about you, but I don’t–I mean, I can’t love you. I can’t be close to you,” he says, his voice breaking. “If I love you, if-if I gave all of myself to you…it will kill me. It would destroy me…I’m not in love with you.”