Even if they say “they didn’t mean it”, they’re still responsible for what they did.
Even if they say “they don’t remember it”, they’re still responsible for what they did.
Even if they say “you’re delusional, I would never do that, you made it up”, they’re still responsible for what they did, and for trying to gaslight and invalidate your memories.
Even if they say “I didn’t do it, and even if I did, I would be right to do it”, they’re still guilty for what they did.
Even if they have excuses, they’re still responsible for what they did.
Even if they act like it would have been crazy to expect from them to act any different way, they’re still responsible for what they did to you.
Even if they come at you with an entire agenda of how you should perceive what they did so it actually “benefits you”, even if they insist they did it for your own good, they’re still responsible for what they did to you, and for lying about it.
Even if they cry about how much it pains them to be accused of hurting you, they’re still responsible for what they did to you.
Even if they cry about how much they love you and how they did it all out of love and never meant to hurt you, it’s still their responsibility for what they did to you.
Even if they act like what they did shouldn’t have hurt you and you’re the one responsible for taking damage, for being sensitive to being abused, it’s still their responsibility for what they did to you.
Even if they blame you for what they did to you, they’re still responsible for what they did.
Even if they insist someone else did it to them too, even if they insist they had it worse than you, even if they say it’s a cultural thing, they’re still responsible for what they did to you.
Even if it was long ago, and they act like you’re wrong for remembering such old wrong doing, it’s still something they did, and they’re still responsible for doing it.
They can lie and deny and accuse and blame and invalidate and gaslight. It doesn’t absolve them of responsibility for what they did. It doesn’t absolve them from guilt.
Nothing can absolve abusers from responsibility for their own actions. Nothing.
Why people get trapped by Emotional Abusers & Why it’s not their fault
(these apply to platonic and romantic relationships)
The Emotional Abuser gives you attention: they make you feel flattered, loved and important. You start to believe that they genuinely care about you. They might even think that they do by themselves since they internally justify all their doings. Normally this kind of attachment would lead to a healthy bonding and a closer relationship. With the Emotional Abuser it leads to some levels of addiction and dependency on the victim’s part which is never their fault. Emotional Abuser’s behaviour exploits normal emotional bonding to another human being.
In some point in the relationship you notice that it’s all about their needs. The Abuser might do something that hurts your feelings and bringing it up leads them to reason why it’s actually your fault and why you have to take responsibility for it. They make up convincing excuses why it’s not their job to do it, why it’s absolutely unreasonable of you to ask for it and so on. In other words: they Guilt-trip you. The Emotional Abuser believes they have no responsibility for their behaviour or feelings. If they feel uncomfortable by something in the relationship they will manipulate you to take the blame instead of trying to work things out. Guilt-tripping makes the victim submit and erodes their sense of emotional and physical boundaries since they are made to believe it’s their job to cater on Abuser’s needs.
3. Cognitive dissonance
After the idealization pace the Emotional Abuser will move to a devaluing pace. Catering to their needs is not enough anymore and you feel you can’t do anything right no matter what you do. The pace starts when the Abuser feels you are getting emotionally too close and/or you are trying to hold them accountable for something they have done. Emotional Abusers are afraid of responsibility and in some cases intimacyso they will try to push you away.They use manipulation: Gaslighting and Guilt-tripping to force you into silence and to take all the responsibility for the relationship. They give you Silent Treatment which is justified by some clever excuses. Emotional Abusers believe they are entitled to absolute emotional comfort even when it means abusing other people.
Because you remember how well they used to treat you, your mind has a hard time accepting they are not the person you thought they were. In fact you might start to make excuses for them in your head because they have manipulated you to think nothing is their fault. It is extremely difficult to get away from the Abuser’s emotional trap because they take advantage of the victim’s emotional bonding to them and give false hope that the relationship could be “fixed”. You are misled into thinking that if you just learn not to be so
“needy” and “selfish”, the Abuser will reward you with the loving behaviour they demonstrated in the beginning.
The Emotional Abuser has no intention to take responsibility for what their abusive behaviour has caused you because they have normalized and justified it in their head. Not all of the Abusers are so sure of themselves but need a lot of internal convincing and validation from others so that they can feel good about themselves which is their goal: not having to deal with responsibility or emotional labour. After all Emotional Abusers are not Disney villains but people who are so selfish that they lack of motivation to learn how to not hurt people.
There are two ways how the trap can break: the victim quits all contact with the Abuser or the Abuser leaves the victim. The latter one occurs if the Emotional Abuser feels they have to deal with too much because of the victim. The Abuser might feel threatened by the victim if the victim is making the Abuser feel bad about themself by calling out their abusive behaviour. The Emotional Abuser thinks that they are actually the victim in the relationship because the real Victim is making them feel bad and scared. The Abuser is genuinely afraid that they would have to deal with negative emotions that taking responsibility would require.
In the end the Emotional Abuser ends the relationship with some dramatic note in which they project all their feelings into the victim: you are the abuser, you have harmed them, you have threatened them. This is their way of securing their own emotional well-being as they refuse to acknowledge the reality. Just remember that it was NOT your fault and you are not responsible for their horrible behaviour. While mutually harmful and violent relationships can exist abusive relationships are based on a power imbalance and therefore there is no such a thing as “mutually abusive”. You are nothing like your abuser.
honestly can we PLEASE stop adding “i see you not reblogging this” and the like to sj posts
like i get the impulse bc Yes, a lot of the time people will willfully ignore posts that make them a little uncomfy about their privilege but. id actually rather uhhhh not have these discussions be based around guilt tripping and other behaviors that lead to allies reblogging posts less for their content and more as a performative way of showing “check me out! IM not ignoring this!!”
abuser, trying their hardest to guilt trip me:
Yeah it's all my fault isn't it! I'm the true evil! I'm the worst person alive! I was the one who did *something they really did* and it's all my fault that you did *something you reacted with to their abuse*! I should be sent to hell for everything I do! I only want others to live in misery! Everything is my fault!
so finally throwing in some truth into the mix are we
Chinese people are being left out of almost every discussion of rising xenophobia in the U.S. which is really irresponsible given that most Americans can’t/won’t tell the difference between different Asians and Trump won over many of his followers with a “China, specifically, is out here to drain America dry” message. And you know damn well that the Yellow Peril is going to come back into the national psyche.
And there’s not a lot of us out here and we have a very weak history of activism, so if shit hits the fan people could do essentially whatever they wanted to the diaspora community.
TL;DR if you want to believe that the Chinese diaspora is too statistically insignificant to be worth discussing when thinking about xenophobia you are wrong and you are basically leaving a lot of people for dead
Just a reminder that breaking up with someone who is toxic to your life is not a two person decision. It isn’t up to them whether you break up with them or not, don’t buy into the whole “you can’t do this to us” bullcrap. Yes, you can.
Happy 4th of July! Celebrate U.S. Independence Day with:
10 American Road Movies Directed by Women
Crossroads dir. Tamra Davis Farah Goes Bang dir. Meena Menon The Guilt Trip dir. Anne Fletcher The Hitch-hiker dir.Ida Lupino Little Miss Sunshine dir. Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris Manny & Lo dir. Lisa Krueger River of Grass dir. Kelly Reichardt The Road Within dir. Gren Wells Wanda dir. Barbara Loden Wanderlust dir. Shari Springer Berman & Robert Pulcini
so you are telling me that you had to feed your own child, that you had by
your own volition? wow what a lucky child to not be murdered by starvation on
purpose! They should bow to you and never hold you responsible for any kind of
damage you cause to them, because after all, you didn’t kill them, and you
could have! You should always get credit for not murdering your child, as
murdering them is the norm! You say you also gave them a roof over their head?
You mean to tell me you already had a home, and your blessed kind soul, you
didn’t kick your own child out to die on the street? And your child still tries
to make you feel bad for traumatizing them? Wow what an ungrateful monster,
it’s clear from your insane amount of sacrifice that you had the right to do whatever
you want to them, after all they’re your property, and not alive human being
who has the right to survival and resources and safety from harm! You gave them
clothing also? Well then you are a parent of the year, how will your child ever
repay you this enormous service of being allowed to own clothing, it wouldn’t
have reflected bad on you at all if you forced them to walk around wearing nothing
when it was clear you could have afforded them clothes!
Sharing resources and providing living place
to your children is the bare minimum, and your fucking duty. You owe that to
your children. If you want credit for that much, you shouldn’t have had
children at all. If you think not murdering, starving and humiliating your
child is something you can hold as a leverage to threaten them, make them feel
guilty, make them feel like they owe you, and force them to repay you, you’re not a
parent, you’re holding your children hostage. You’re a burden on their lives,
and a fucking parasite who should be disposed of. All that you own should
belong to your children immediately.
Reasons why I like Homecoming better than any other Spider-Man (live action) flick in existence
• Penis Parker looks, sounds and acts like an actual 15 year old high schooler.
• avoided origin story that everyone and their mother’s cat already know
• Ned Leeds is precious
• Batman is evil
• avoided uncle Ben (and his stupid mantra)
• started the movie in the super cool upgraded aesthetically pleasing suit
• Peter does not make creepy stalker pictures of his crush (that are made without her consent)
• instead just dreamily stares at her from afar like a loser like the rest of us
• no goddamn Harry Osbourne angst
• animated spider eyes
• Liz is gorgeous
• Peter’s adorable “Mr. Stark” whenever he says it
• Flash is upgraded, honestly funny and weirdly endearing version of himself and is still a bully
• Peter Parker’s hair
• Aaron Davis The Walking Easter Egg
• Peter visibly needing help in being a superhero via Tony and Guy in the Chair Leeds
• also, dad!Tony
• The Villain Is Actually Father Of My Friend plot twist trope DONE RIGHT!!!
• no unnecessary amount of Plus One villains besides The Vulture and his (funny, curious) goons
• Stark company fucked everyone over (again)
• ended the movie in the cheap super lame aesthetically ugly onesie costume instead
• Peter’s won the day with character development depending on his own;
- no romantic interest (in distress) that prompted his strength
- no moody friend to guilt trip him into saving himself
- no edgy angst due to Uncle Ben’s mantra
• Michelle, the beautiful book-reading, has no friends, intellectually observant genius “my friends call me MJ” is the downplayed but so fresh and clearly-a-slowburn, full of potential MJ that I didn’t know I needed in my life, but just as Peter Parker will realize one day, what a blessing she is.
brown girl dreams: independence and autonomy 😩👌🏾💦💦 being able to travel the world ALONE 💦💦 living alone WITHOUT being married 😩👌🏾💦💦sexual autonomy 😭✨✨escaping cultural and family expectations 😭❤️️❤️️ having the freedom to choose our own career ….not being guilt tripped for wanting to deviate from the norm 😩👌🏾💦💦
me, internally: I love the dynamic of Klance and I love writing the ship. It was my first ship in the Voltron fandom and my first Voltron Klance fic Bonding Time is still my most popular. But it’s a constant frustration, because the more Klance content I reblog, the more anti blogs and art and posts are recommended to me. Because so many Klance fans are antis, and so Klance is associated with antis, which is so sad because I don’t want to be associated with such a toxic side of a fandom and I know many other Klance shippers don’t either, or don’t see the harm in anti arguments because they support Klance, and they’re defending Klance, so it must be okay, right? I hate that so many antis who ship Klance are also Lance stans, because I love Lance but I do not appreciate the iterations of Klance which make Keith out to be little more than a prop to support and lavish love upon Lance when he needs it - forget Keith’s feelings and character development, he’s from Texas and loves knives and making terrible decisions LOL. I hate the “there can only be one” mentality among so many Klance fans, who will go out of their way to bash other ships in order to make Klance the only “safe” and “non-problematic” one. I hate that the argument “because it’s not Klance” has literally been used when one shipper was asked why she didn’t ship or like Hance, I hate that people label Pidge/Lance as problematic even though Pidge and Lance have great potential as a couple and their age difference is the same as Keith and Lance’s, and most of all I hate that antis who ship Klance (…which is most if not all of them) claim other ships that “interfere” with Klance like Sheith or Shance or Shklance are pedophilia and unhealthy, when they are neither. I hate that antis who ship Klance will go so far as to attack other shippers with slews of hate, death threats, give them labels using words they do not even understand, and worst of all invalidate the experiences and trauma of actual CSA victims in their quest to make Klance the one true pairing. I hate that Klance fans have attacked the creators and voice actors of the show in the same way, I hate that @bext-k has been treated so horribly here on tumblr and then been told she couldn’t defend herself because her bully was a minor (a minor, but not a toddler, someone who is perfectly capable of not being an asshole and whose age does not make it okay for them to say the things they said). I cannot stand the Klance meta posts that analyze the heck out of every interaction between the two of them, and at the same time ignore much more meaningful interactions between characters like Shiro and Keith and deny that there could be anything more than friendship between them. It isn’t that deep, I’m sorry, it just isn’t, and it’s embarrassing to see how far of a reach Klance fans make sometimes in order to make their ship as canon as possible. And look, to a degree, I get it. I love Klance. But I do not love the way so many Klance shippers have broken apart this fandom and created spaces so toxic that CSA victims’ voices cannot even be heard without being shut down, mocked, and insulted. I do not love the way I now I have to check every unknown blog’s description before reblogging a post from them to make sure they don’t say “shaladins get out” or “stinky anti” there. I do not love the way that adult antis claim they are protecting minors and then turn around and reblog nsfw fanart of Keith and Lance, two characters who they apparently see as minors, even going so far as to tag it with things like “yaoi” or “this is so sinful” or something equally insulting. I do not love the way antis gaslight and guilt-trip, I do not love the insidious mob mentality that leads to people feeling afraid of not thinking the way other antis do. I do not love the all too prevalent fujoshi culture found among Klance shippers - have you ever noticed that the overwhelming majority of Klance shippers are teenage to twenty-something girls? Whereas all of the queer guys I know of in this fandom are multishippers and/or ship Sheith or Shance. Why don’t we acknowledge that? Why don’t we acknowledge that queer guys, whose relationships we are writing/drawing/analyzing and fangirling about, have an opinion here, and that their opinion maybe, just MAYBE, matters more than ours? In Hypable’s Battleships poll, this was literally proven - way more guys voted for Sheith than voted for Klance. But Sheith is the toxic relationship. Uh-huh. Right. Okay. Even though they’re both adults and have shown each other nothing but love, trust, and respect. This is what infuriates me about so many Klance shippers. The willful blindness to even acknowledge that other sides, other ships, may have merit. And of course this isn’t all of them, I ship Klance and I know many others who do and who don’t share this mentality that makes me so sad and upset. But there are a significant amount of Klance shippers who do. Why can’t there just be a dialogue? Why can’t antis be people who may not like Shaladin ships but understand that this is a fictional show, people are entitled to their opinions, blacklisting tags/blocking users/not looking at content you don’t like is a valid option, and words like pedophilia and “go kill yourself” should not be thrown around as lightly and frequently as they are? I wish we could. I really wish we could. And I also wish I could ship Klance as much as I want to without constantly being reminded of all the hate spread by people who call it their OTP.
me: yep haha ofc klance will always be close to my heart!