Our love kept me warm at night,
I was scared of thunder, you made me feel safe,
I wish I had loved you enough to stay,
I’m sorry you don’t miss me like I miss you.
My life is miserable without you here.
Cooking for one is not fun.
—  All the things I wish I could say to you

s ,

‘i don’t know if i can keep doing this .’ that’s what you said to me. it had only been a week. that’s what it always came down to, didn’t it? we didn’t know, we never knew. we will never know. but we’ve made it this far. we’re still here, we still have this. i hope you know i’ll always love you. i don’t ever want to leave you, we’ve been through enough and you don’t deserve that not again, never again. i’m so sorry i couldn’t be what you need. i’m sorry that you put your heart on the line for me and i freaked out and walked away (i’m sorry i still think it was for the best for both of us). i’ve never believed in bad timings until then. but hindsight is 20/20, and i’m still so fragile, i think i could break too easily right now. you don’t deserve so much of what has happened to you. i’m trying to give you space, trying to bring my breathing back to normal when you don’t text me back. we used to only speak like once a week, so why is this different now? except i do know why, and i’m horrified that you’re very not okay and i won’t know, that you won’t tell me. it’s hard being heartbroken in all of these different ways at once. i don’t ever want to mourn you while you’re still around. i know, i wouldn’t really know how to help you. but that’s because you won’t tell me what i can do for you. i don’t want to scare you away, i guess. i’m so scared of jeopardising anything we have, all that we’ve worked for. but we’re going to have to talk about it some day, won’t we? i’m tired of not taking risks. i hope you want my help. i hope you don’t want to leave. i’m sorry i don’t know what to say. i’m sorry i’ve never been enough. you still mean the world to me, always will. people don’t forget their first loves. please, talk to me. let me be here for you. i love you.

. k

Five for Friday

If I didn’t weigh what I do, I’d fly away.

I’m leaving in the next 15 for work that starts at four. Gotta love public transit.

If I spend all day Saturday on this paper I can knock it out for it to be ready Monday.

Another interview with shitty reviews Saturday.

Still contemplating if I should not go to work Sunday. It’ll be early, but still.

Happy Friday 🙃