star trek: into darkness was awesome. here are all of my problems with it

I love the JJ Abrams star trek movies. They’re the perfect combination of lens flares, sweeping orchestral overtures and catch phrases. I get to watch good looking people say smart things and get thrown around expensive CGI sets, and then leave feeling nerdy and cool at the same time.

What I’m saying is, these movies are brilliant, especially when they include the glorious benedict cumberbatch.  that said, here are a few of the questionable things I found in the movie. And of course, blah blah blah spoilers. 

  • The only thing more superfluous than Alice Eve’s character was the decision to have said character randomly be changing clothes while having an important conversation with the highest ranking officer aboard the vessel. I guess some good old-fashioned female sexy is only fair when the rest of us get to watch benedict cumberbatch smolder for 2 hours.  Also, Alive Eve had a lovely english accent, and yet her dad spoke like George W. Bush doing a woody allen impersonation.
  • How did a white, british man get the name Khan? 
  • And speaking of Khan, if he’d been cryogenically frozen for 300 years, that means he was born around 1930.  In 1930, people were playing with sticks in the street for fun and watching talkies.  Somehow we also had the technology to breed super-soldiers with necromancing blood?
  • So using Scotty’s formula, “Harrison” has the ability to transport directly from earth to kronos, but starfleet can’t transport him back involuntarily (you know, the way they did to Carol later in the movie) or transport the bomb directly to him?
  • Let’s have our captain, first officer and chief language lieutenant all go together, in one pod, on the suicide mission to capture a mastermind superhuman on a planet of hostile rhino men. That’s great and responsible military strategy right there.
  • I think they should probably re-evaluate all security procedures for Star Fleet. Exhibit A: a classified meeting with every important commander present takes place in a room with a full wall of windows, which (exhibit b) a wanted fugitive is somehow able to get close enough airspace clearance to open fire. Let’s get a situation room or something in the future….
  • Scotty isn’t working for starfleet, but somehow he can just take a ship and fly to jupiter on a whim, make it to a super-secret classified location with no clearance and SNEAK ONBOARD? Today, people can’t get on commercial airplanes with bottled water
  • FUCKING BONES brings a man back from the dead and no one cares. He literally brings Kirk back from the dead. Khan’s blood has the secret to repairing tissue, radiation damage, probably a cure for cancer and yet the entire world seems pretty nonchalant about that incredible scientific discovery.  They should be mass producing that miracle juice and Bones should be Time magazine person of the year and not making hokey metaphors on his same shitty old ship
  • The Enterprise undergoes pretty serious hull damage.  Yeah it has a catchy name, but that thing was a wreck.  Was it really worth it to repair and re-christen instead of, you know, giving the heroes of star fleet a new ship for their 5-year mission?
  • You know how it was essential for them to get Khan’s jesus-blood to save Kirk? And they had to capture a mastermind terrorist alive as he was fleeing through the city? If only there were 72 other genetically modified messiahs aboard the ship, I don’t know, conveniently stationary in frozen pods, with blood ready for the taking.  I’m aware that Bones acknowledged this by saying something like “we haven’t tested them yet!” but I’m also aware that that’s total bullshit.