*shikamaru

Naruto x alcohol headcanons
  • also known as "get none_kitten's headcanons away from me asap"
  • Naruto: yells a lot, hugs everyone and gives smoochy cheek kisses. even to Kakashi. never let him drink again. probably would light a trashcan on fire. is oblivious to anyone flirting with him, to a point where it's painful to watch.
  • Sakura: Tsunade 2.0, now with upgraded damage.
  • Sai: blushes a lot, suddenly he doesn't fuck up human conversation, but also has a horrible headache and pukes halfway.
  • Sasuke: snark level 527383106
  • Shikamaru: suddenly blurts out ALL the random facts. hey did you know the Eiffel tower was shorter in winter?
  • Ino: flirts with and teases every-fucking-one around the table (or town), but doesn't really follow through.
  • Chouji: cheap-ass drunk food, probably pizza from the shadiest street food place? gimmmeeeee
  • Hinata: wow she speaks a lot. probably about serious literature and poetry. also is really pretty with the blush and shiny eyes she's got going on.
  • Shino: deems the entire thing illogical but gets ass-drunk anyways, starts up conversation with the local flora and fauna (and by this i mean that at one point he was probably hugging a decorative ficus) then leaves without a word to go sleep.
  • Kiba: challenges Naruto in yelling matches, pisses off the balcony, ends up snuggling with Akamaru, hanging half off the beer-stained couch.
  • Neji: super cute, probably would look amazing in a flower crown, is a huge flirt but never notices he's doing it, all the while he keeps swaying from one foot to the other. string of broken hearts left behind? check. does he remember it in the morning? nah, son
  • Tenten: takes interest in the butcher knives in the kitchen, and gives murderous glances to anyone who tries to chat her up. takes care of Neji though, when he can't walk anymore, and pretends not to know Lee.
  • Lee: accidentally drop-kicks someone off the balcony, because THE POWER OF YOUTH CAN'T BE CONTAINED!!!!
  • Gai: rants about the Springtime of Youth for about two and a half beers, then falls asleep on the table because he's getting to old for this, dammit
  • Kakashi: plays bored for half the evening, flirts with everyone the other half (and by flirting i mean he's the sassiest bitch in town and takes home whomever lasts the longest). has a pretty pink blush on the visible half of his face. probably made Sharingan jokes along the evening.
  • Asuma: out smoking the whole time, rolling his eyes as people keep asking him for "just one cigarette, mate". when he - occasionally - shows face inside, he keeps eyeing Kurenai in a definite leer.
  • Kurenai: tries way too hard to ignore Asuma's stares. ends up getting a ride home in Asuma's car. probably tries to convince Kiba at least twice to go home already and sleep it off.
  • Anko: starts telling more and more disturbing jokes and cackles madly.
  • Ibiki: facepalms endlessly because Anko also has a vine-like grip on his arm and clings on. painfully.
  • Yamato: drunken rants. so many of them. 90% of it is probably vegan activism.
  • Kotetsu and Izumo: making out in a corner. from all that's showing, they could pass a) as teenagers in love b) as they're currently having hot hot steamy sex c) they morphed into one being with too many limbs and hair d) all of the above
  • Iruka: blushes. blushes a lovely shade of deep red only lobsters have.
  • Jiraiya: there's a line forming to slam-dunk his face into the toilet. a line of very angry women.
  • ps: there's a private Hokage party upstairs where Hashirama is acting like a child, Tobirama is more done than Ibiki and Kakashi combined, Hiruzen chuckles good-naturedly over a cup of fine sake, and Minato has a drunken flush on his face as he stares starry-eyed into nowhere.

anonymous asked:

I remember people got so pissed off years ago when Naruto told Sasuke "everyone saw so much trouble trying to get you back!" (or something like that) and Sasuke was like "good for them" I personally found it just hilarious, I mean Sasuke never asked them to come after him why get butthurt over that.

They came cos Tsunade put them on a mission. Shikamaru explicitly said he didn’t give a flying fuck about sasuke as a person, but this was a mission. 

For real tho, a lot of people are like that in real life, if they don’t get you to do what they want from you, they think you’re selfish.

anonymous asked:

Hullo, love the blog! Always good to see someone treat Naruto like the piece of shit it is. I have a question though; when Sasuke left Konoha at the end of Part 1, was he really made a criminal purely because he left? I remember it being because he was leaving to join Orochimaru, a known criminal/terrorist who just orchestrated an attack on the Village, rather than the act of leaving itself.

yes, the act of leaving the village is punishable by death. I think it’s Naruto who asked Kakashi what would happen to Sasuke, and he said he’d be killed, because he’s left the village he’s a rogue nin.  When Shikamaru was tasked to lead the sasuke retrieval mission, he said he didn’t care about sasuke as a classmate, but the rules were Konoha people cannot leave Konoha, they had to be brought back, and that’s why he’s doing this. 

This rule was already established in wave country arc, villages have teams specialised in hunting down and killed rogue nins who left their respective villages,  they also destroyed their bodies, cos their bodies could reveal a lot of secrets about their village, and they don’t want other villages get their hands on such intelligence.

The whole rationale behind such rule is to deter desertion. They don’t want to lose manpower. They also see ninja who’re no longer allied with the village as enemies or threats that have to be disposed of. That’s why leaving the village is seen as a greater crime than whatever fucked up shits Orochimaru did. Because it’s important to Konoha’s economy, they need these kids for missions to bring in revenue. They can’t just let them go look for some better lives outside the village.