*second hand motion*

Skinny Love || Shawn Mendes Imagine (TRIGGER WARNING)

Originally posted by anas-love


5 months. It’s been 5 long months since Shawn left for tour, but today he comes home! I’m so excited because not only do I get to see him, he gets to see my new body. Since he’s been gone I’ve lost almost 40LBS. I feel fantastic and I know he’ll want me even more. I look at my phone and see that Shawn’s plane lands in 55 minutes, so I decide to take a quick shower and then head to the Airport. 

I get to the airport and see a huge crowd of girls, I automatically know they are waiting for Shawn. He comes out of the building and my heart skips a beat when I see him. He sees me and gives me the ‘one second’ hand motion. He decides to sign some autographs and take pictures with a few fans. All was fine until I saw the last girl he took a picture with. It was the end of June, so she was in a crop top and high waisted booty shorts. All I could do was compare myself to her. She was the perfect size 2 and here I am feeling like a size 100. I knew I lost my own comparison when I saw the way Shawn looked at her. It felt like someone punched me in the face over and over again. 

He finally got to me and kissed me. Even though I was feeling extremely insecure, when he kissed me those thoughts disappeared for those few seconds. 

“I missed you so much, Y/N,” Shawn said while looking me directly in my eyes.

“I’ve missed you too, Baby.” After I said that, I looked over his shoulder and saw that fan starring me up and down with a snarky look on her face. The ride home was actually really fun. I heard all his tour stories and he showed me his new tattoo. Let me tell you, that turned me on even more than I already was. 

“Hey Babe, if you’re hungry, do you mind if we stop at In-N-Out? The airplane food was shit.” I couldn’t say no because then he would know something is wrong.

“Sure, I skipped breakfast this morning, so I can eat. Are we taking it home?”

“Yeah that’s fine. I wouldn’t mind a little private time with you,” he said with that beautiful smile. 

We finally got to the restaurant and ordered two double-doubles, animal fries and two vanilla milkshakes. I really didn’t want anything, but it’s the first time I’ve seen him in 5 months. A few fans were there and were snapping pictures and I didn’t mind, but I knew photos of me with all this food would surface. That made me uncomfortable. 

We got home and prepared to sit down to eat. I took a bite and immediately felt guilty because of all the calories I was consuming. ‘Skip dinner, wake up thinner’ ‘Ana is always watching’ ‘Greasy fries or skinny thighs?’ All of those sayings were running through my head when my phone vibrated in my pocket. I took it out saw that I was tagged in a tweet.

It was from that skinny fan from the airport. I immediately put the burger down and wiped my hands. I tried not to cry because, but I knew she was right. Even though I lost about 40LBS, I know for a fact that I just gained it all back because of that stupid bite of the burger. How could I be so stupid? One little bite of burger just cost me 5 months of hard work. I’m so weak. That Sammie girl is right. How can Shawn stand to look at me?

“So, tell me more crazy tour stories.”

“We have any day to talk about that. Tell me about you. Did you lose weight?”

“Oh yeah. You know, nothing too crazy, just trying to get in shape, especially now that summer is here.” 

“Oh okay. You look good. You looked good before, but you know that you always look good to me. Are you okay? You’ve only taken one bite. Are you sick?” He asked as he threw away his trash and washed his hands.

“No, I’m fine! I just had a big breakfast before I came to get you. I guess I’m not as hungry as I thought.” I felt bad lying, but this is the only way.

“Oh! Okay, well we can wrap it up and save it for later.”

“Yea, that’s fine.”

“While I’m up, I was thinking about going to get a Redbox. Want to watch anything specific?”

“Uh sure. How about Ride Along 2?”

“Great. I should be back in about 10. I love you,” he said as he kissed me.

“I love you too. Drive safe.” When he closed the door all I could think about was that tweet. I have to get this toxic food out of me. I opened twitter and stared at the tweet once more. I put the phone on the table and looked at the clock. I have 8 minutes to throw the food out and get these calories out of me before Shawn comes home. 

I ran into the bathroom and stuffed two fingers to the back of my throat. I felt all of my imperfections and the weakness that I felt earlier being purged out of me. I finished and brushed my teeth. I looked in the mirror and saw my best friend. 

“I see you’ve met Mia. I’m proud of you, Little One. You are becoming so perfect. Prove to them that you can be a delicate little feather.”

She was right, I will prove them wrong.

“You’re right, Ana. You’re always right.” I wiped my face once more and decided to head out. I looked at the clock and still had 2 minutes to spare before Shawn would be home. I headed back to the kitchen to retrieve my phone and was scared half to death.

“Holy shit! Oh my god, Shawn. You scared me!” I said forcing a laugh.

He wouldn’t even look at me.

“Babe? What’s wrong? Where’s the movie?”

“I left and realized I forgot my phone. I came back to get it and saw that I still had trash on the table. I threw it away and saw that you threw away the rest of your food that we wrapped up. Why did you do that?”

“Oh, um. I found a hair in it and lost my appetite.” Lie after lie, but this is how I will be perfect

“Is that why you were throwing up? Because you found a hair?”

“No, it was because I ate to much. Remember I told you I had a big breakfast? It just caught up to me is all,” I said with a smile.

“Who’s Ana?”

“She’s a friend. You remember her, right? Has it really been that long?”

“You don’t have a friend named Ana. I would’ve remembered her. I also remembered that you told me in the car that you didn’t eat breakfast. That’s why we got the food in the first place. What the hell is going on?”

“Nothing Shawn. I don’t appreciate you pretty much calling me a liar. Why don’t you-” I was cut off by my phone buzzing. I saw that it was on the table. Opened on the tweet. Shawn saw it too.

“Wha- Who is this? Do you know this person?”

“No, she was at the airport today.”

“Why would she say this? Is that why you were throwing up?”

“WHAT?! NO! I told you it was because I was full!”

“You know what I can’t quite wrap my head around? You said that you were talking to your friend “Ana” in the bathroom..”

“Because I was.”

“..But your phone has been sitting here since I got back,” he looked so sad. He could tell I was lying. “I looked up throwing up, lying and ‘ana’. All of the results show anorexia and bulimia. Is that what’s going on? Is that how you lost all that weight in a short period of time?”

He kept pressing me with questions and I finally broke down. I can’t do this anymore.

“I just want to be perfect.”

“Y/N, you are the most perfect person. Inside and out! Why would you want to change yourself? What caused this?”

“I don’t know. It started out as a diet and then it got out of control. I was so obsessed with seeing that number on the scale drop, I did what ever it took to keep losing. It felt amazing to see my clothes size shrink in such a fast period of time. And then seeing that girl today, the one that tweeted me, it made me feel disgusting. Like you wouldn’t want me after seeing her. There are so many girls throwing themselves at you, I had to stay beautiful so you wouldn’t leave me.” 

I felt so empty and guilty, I couldn’t even cry. I was so embarrassed. 

He kneeled in front of me where I was sitting and took my hands, ”You are the ONLY girl I will EVER want. You’re right, girls throw themselves at me, but in all of those faces, yours is the only one I see. That’s how I get through 5 months of being away from you. I always knew you’d be here when I got back. You’re killing yourself. And you’re killing me. I can’t survive without you. I won’t survive without you.”

I’m breaking. I hurt him so much and I didn’t even know.

“Promise me that you will let me get you help, Baby. You’re sick and you need to get better. I will be right there with you. Screw the second leg of tour. I’m not going anywhere until you are safe. I love you so damn much, Y/N. You have to know that.”

“I know that, Shawn. I’m so sorry. God, how can I be so stupid?! I’m so ashamed,” I said crying.

“Don’t be. You lost your light, but we will search through Hell and back to make sure  you find it again. I love you more than life.”

“I love you too. I want to get help. I want to get better.”

“Then let’s get you better.”


anonymous asked:

One of my stims is rubbing my arm/leg hair, feeling the fuzz on the back of my neck, etc. But bc I'm a girl, I'm told nearly every day that I should shave. I like growing it out tho because of how it feels. How do I explain that w/o sounding weird?

Okay so when someone tells you you should shave, follow these steps:

  1. Hold your fist up so the back of your hand is facing them
  2. Make another fist beside the first as if you’re holding onto a crank
  3. Move the second hand in a circular motion, as if you’re turning the crank (like on a Jack-In-The-Box)
  4. As you do that, slowly raise the middle finger of your first hand
  5. ???
  6. Profit!

-Brother Cat

“You shouldn’t make a big deal out of being autistic.”

To the anon in November who said that to me: Bite me, I do what I want!

[A white woman wearing a red shirt that says “I can’t keep calm I’m autistic” in white lettering. In the first photo she is holding a shiny blue Tangle, and in the second one her hands are motion-blurred because she is flapping them to show she is happy.]

And if that anon come back to my inbox saying autism isn’t cute selfies with stim toys and flapping, well they can eat my entire ass until they choke.

I choose not to see all my autism issues as pure suffering and tragedy. I choose to be proud of what shapes who I am and how I experience the world. 

If you, rude anon, want to see it like that, fine. Go ahead and do that. But don’t you dare tell me how to feel about myself or tear down others who dare to see something besides deficits and difficulties.

I got this shirt as a giant middle finger to anyone who tells me how to feel about my own neurology.