“Please. Don’t go.” Her eyes teared up as she saw my hand land on the cold handle door, slowly opening it, with the creak of the hinges exaggerating throughout the silence. I turned my head back towards her, our eyes locking and a stone cold silence filling the void. My eyes shifted to the calendar with the black Xs over the days that had gone by. Only one X was on it. There was also a heart. Valentine’s Day, I remembered.
Every limb in my body was shaking as I turned back to her crying face.
“We can’t… We just can’t…” I whispered quietly. My tongue
was twisting and my voice came out strained.
“Please… don’t walk away. You can’t… just leave like this. Stay… with me. ” Her voice was quivering and she started sobbing until her legs broke underneath her and she fell hard onto the ground. She put herself into a crouch, trying to cradle her heart and comfort herself in the only way possible. She was hurting too much to bear. And I couldn’t bear to see her like this. I had created her devastation and I didn’t know how to wipe away the tears without staying just a little bit longer.
So I left. With her still on the ground. Out into the cold bitter weather of the winter New York, holding my scarf close to my face so no one could see the tears. I passed by the Starbucks we always went to 10 o'clock. There was a large line steaming out from inside the store with rosy cheeked people in thick winter clothing clenching tightly around their bodies. She hated the scent of coffee more than anything and always insisted on a hot chocolate and then mad dashing away from the heavy scent. I had always liked the bitter fresh scent. But I couldn’t bear to stand it. It reminded me too much of her. Her lips, her eyes, her smile. I kept my head down and brushed by the crowded store without daring to smell another whiff.
I got back into my apartment with the red light flashing on the telephone.
“Please come back. Dont just leave me. I need you more than you could ever know. Everything is crumbling away as I touch it and I can’t lose you too. Please just stay-”
I blasted music on high to drown out the rest of her voice on the voicemail. I couldn’t. I loved her to the ends of the world, but she was bad for me.
SAY CAN YOU READ BETWEEN THE LINES I’M SINGING THREW AWAY THE ONLY I CHANCE WIT- I slumped onto the neat crisp sheets of my bed. I grabbed my pillow. And I cried. Until I thought it would be okay.
But I was never going to be okay.
Not for awhile. Not without her.