Oh my god that clinic interview is so intense, (and what the pastor is asking me to do for the next one week till I see him again!)
I’m shaking right now. Right after the interview. I didn’t actually feel the “effect” of it until I walked out of the office.
Anyway, long story short: He said to give him a few days for him to fit me into his new schedule and that was it. A handshake and now I’m going home and wait for an email from him. 😭😕
I’m so scared oh my god. You guys I’m shaking.
Either way *prays* and I hope I get the job. I mean if I don’t, I’ll just try and keep in mind that God have plans for me and there’s always a reason why things didn’t work out the way I wanted it to and since I have cast my burden onto him, I’m not going to take it back and worry about it.
But it doesn’t mean that I should be okay with the hurt and disappointment it left behind. I mean after all, I’m still human and I get mad and upset at God and begging him for answers as to why things happened the way they did.
I’m trying to learn to be okay with the way things are. The things that I can’t change. 😕
It’s so painful and hard OH MY GOD IM NOT EVEN KIDDING 😭😔 it’s so tough I just wanna give up every now and then. I can’t live my life breaking down everyday and pretending that this is “normal”
I feel like I kinda blow my chances by coming clean about my mental health records. Though he looked surprised and glad at my honesty about it, I called back the ward last night and I’ve been advised by my fave nurse to not declare my mental health records unless I get warded in the near future again. And somehow it got out and I don’t really want to be lying just to get a job 😕 it’s a really conflicting and tough thing for me. I can’t decide 😭 maybe honesty would kill all my job opportunities. Maybe it wouldn’t. I wouldn’t know, would I? It’s not up to me now, anyway.
So today I had talk with the pastor. We have a mutual agreement on this and it is agreed on that it is important we try and for coping mechanism to deal with such hurt, rejections and failure.
And he’s going to start with me by asking to say to the mirror every time I see one and say, “Jazreel, it’s not your fault. Jazreel, you’re beautifully, wonderfully and fearfully made.”
And that broke me in therapy cause I can’t stand the sight of myself in the mirror I can’t look at myself and say it with such conviction and which he then explains which is why he’s going to get me to do that every time I see a mirror.
Anyway I pray that I get the job. 🙏 *oh god, please!*
Or else I should try and land myself a clinical or hospital job (or even jobs like a patient service associate as outpatient clinic AKA a clerk in hosp outpatient or respective departments) as an experience and stepping stone if I want to be working in the med industry in the future. 😭😕🔫