So @spevvy has never seen LOTR, so I decided we needed to watch it together, because commentary…
Me: Sauron is like the stereotypical villain. “I will rule the world!”
Spev: Omg it’s a sentient ring that makes people evil… That dudes just killed himself for a ring. It’s like America’s Next Top Model in armour.
Me: Bilbo’s kinda a dick. Like, “hey this guy’s shouting for his ring. Maybe I should steal it.”
Me: Ok and who writes like that? Can you imagine how long it has to take him to write all fancy and small like that?
Spev: That’s just classic stalling techniques. “Check me out taking 99 years to write a title. I am soooooooooooo fancy!”
Spev: “I’m old. I don’t look it but I feel it in my heart.” Same friend
Me: “Good gracious you have been productive.” When I meet someone with a shit ton of kids I’m going to say that.
Spev: We would be Merry and Pippin.
Me: Frodo is like what the fuck is this ring doing in my entry way?
Spev: “GANDALF WTF IS GOING ON AND WHERE IS BILBO AND WHO LEFT THIS RING HERE THAT IS NOT THE DESIGNATED RING HOLDING PLACE!” and Gandalf is all “Oh. There you are.”
Me: “Questions that need answering” um Gandalf, all questions need answering
Spev: Gandalf hoping someone invents google… THAT RING JUST WHISPERED
Me: “Never put it on” Yeah we’ll see how that works
Spev: Ah! Dwarves too! So many tiny people, I’m amazed I’ve never seen this before.
Spev: “It comes in pints? I’m getting one!” That one is you because he’s shorter and Scottish. And cuter. Don’t put the feckin ring on Frodo ffs. **facepalm**
Me: I know. He had one job.
Me: Frodo done fucked himself… That explains the cum face
Me: Nazgul is some serious shit and Frodo is all lassaiz faire about putting the ring on.
Spev: SECOND BREAKFAST? THIS IS SO US. This is so us.
Spev: Blimey Christopher Lee don’t care none about deforestation.
Me: “We’ll rest after we climb this GINORMOUS Rick… Rock not Rick lol (me turning into my mother for accidental innuendos through typos)
Spev: WHO IS RICK?!?!?! He must be ginormous if we have to climb him. This sounds like a totally different film…
Spev: Ffs stop putting the goddamn ring on. Sam is the real hero here. Sam ain’t scare of no things… He’s beautiful and he’s brave and fearless and snuggly and warm and IS ALSO RAPHAEL
Me: Arwen is like, um not I’m the better rider. And he doesn’t disagree.
Spev: No he doesn’t, he’s all “meh. Fair play. Ride safe”
Me: He gave him ONE job.
Spev: ONE JOB. “Keep the ring in a pocket or knapsack. Do not wear it. I don’t care how pretty it is.”
Spev: You know it’s hardcore fantasy when they bust out words like “chasm”
Spev: SAM IS GOING WITH FRODO BECAUSE FRODO IS GONNA GET HIMSELF KILLED OTHERWISE. And we’re going cos we’re adorable.
Me: “You have my bow.” I’ll gladly take it.
Spev: Legolas just trotted down some steps.
Me: His fine ass.
Spev: Just checking out his quiver.
Me: I wanna check out his bow. See how well he fires the arrow.
Me: Look how lithe Legolas is.
Spev: I love how we are literally Merry and Pippin. Like if there were ever two characters to sum us up it’s them.
Spev: Frodo can’t even walk up a mountain. Bloody hell Frodo.
Me: “I care not.” Biggest lie/
Spev: “I care not” he said between gritted teeth.
Spev: Christopher Lee has zero chill. Which is a little ironic considering he brought an avalanche down on everyone so they had… like… total chill
Me: Ok, but did you see how Legolas just so casually popped up out the the snow without a hair out of place. I need to marry Legolas. He’s too perfect. He defies the laws of gravity.
Me: Why they never did anything to Gollum when they knew he was following bothers me.
Me: Legolas warned them all. But no one listens. They’re reading a damn book.
Spev: Legolas and Sam are like the two least afraid people there.
Me: Well Aragorn isn’t but yeah Legolas is pretty chill. It’s why I love him. Plus our children would stand a chance of not being so damn clumsy.
Spev: You gotta think of the genetics.
Me: Yeah plus I think we’d make beautiful babies.
Spev: Your children would be slightly less clumsy with amazing hair and cheekbones.
Me: Aragorn saves him because him because Frodo can’t do shit.
Spev: Sam has had roughly 96 heart attacks over Frodo so far… He’s gonna need some serious therapy when this is over.
Me: ALL HE’S DOING IS WEARING A FUCKING VEST GANDALF! HE LITERALLY CRIED AND HIT UNTIL ARAGORN CAME AND THEN HE GOT STABBED. Like Sam, Merry and Pop all fought. But does he praise them? NOOOOOO
Spev: NOBODY TOSSES A DWARF. Best innuendo ever.
Spev: Ffs Frodo. I feel like I need that on a tshirt.
Spev: Legolas just stared down a monster thing and probably impregnated it.
Me: Frodo can’t even get leaving right. He’s such a fuck boi.
Spev: I fucking love Samwise Gamgee. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Spev: I love how Aragorn is like “Psh it’s out of our hands. I’m not getting involved with this Frodo stuff now” and Legolas just basically smoulders at him and he’s like “Frodo’s gonna need our help here let’s go save him”
Me: LOOK AT HIM RUN! JUST DAMN! Dat ass.
Stayed tuned for our commentary on Two Towers tomorrow night!
Meet Pippin! The mascot, inspiration and life of this tumblr. She’s an adorable, fat, lil cat and has the best facial expressions ever. Pip wants you to study and be happy. She loves every language but might be a bit biased for Italian but I blame that all on @swedenerd.
Guys, look at this listing on the Seattle musicians community page on Craigslist:
Look, let’s set aside the fact that Pippin’s name is misspelled and focus on the important details: Mordorcore. MORDORCORE. Dwarf doom. (As if we all don’t know that dwarves have a predilection for barbershop quartets.) Wizard pop.