What if everyone in Gotham knows that Bruce Wayne has one biological child…
But none of them knows who is?
See, each of his five children acts and looks so much like Bruce that they can’t figure out which one it is. Most swear it’s Cass. She’s the one whose origin they know the least about, plus she acts the most like their father, so the majority of the population assume it’s Cass. Others think it’s Tim, since no billionaire would give his very important company to his kid unless he were his actual child. But a lot of people also suspect that Jason is the product of one drunken night between Bruce Wayne and some random woman who died and left him Jason to take care of, which would explain why Bruce adopted some random street rat without warning. Though questions often circulate about whether Dick Grayson was actually the son of a pair of acrobats, or if it was all a ploy to hide his true origin, which was a scandalous love affair that occurred between Bruce Wayne and Marie Grayson during a trip to see the circus.
Nobody suspects Damian, though. The Bruce Wayne that Gotham knows and loves is a rich playboy who likes picking up ladies and going to fancy parties. Damian Wayne is too grumpy and angry to possibly be the biological son of that guy, right?
Things the Batfam forgot to tell Duke when he joined
Whenever any member of the Batfam mentions “that time I was dead,” they aren’t kidding.
Just because you haven’t seen Tim in days doesn’t mean he isn’t there. The same applies to Cass, for entirely different reasons.
If the Red Hood ever breaks into the Manor and tries to hold you hostage, don’t worry about it–the guns aren’t loaded, that’s just Jason doing a bit. That’s how he asks Bruce for money.
Bruce actually has THREE biological children. If a tall Damian suddenly appears in the Cave, he is from the future and can be trusted, and will occasionally bring back future snacks. Don’t try to attack him: he is stronger than you. Beware the girl: she is from an alternate universe and may attempt to introduce you to tv shows that don’t exist. You will be very disappointed.
If Christopher Kent gives you his armor and tells you that it can help you fly, he is lying. He is Kryptonian, and the thrusters are for show.
The guy in red eating your cookies on Christmas Eve is NOT Santa. That is Barry Allen. Do not get between him and food; you will regret it.
Bruce: “Don’t talk to me or my son or my son or my son or my daughter or my son who is actually my son or my son or my daughter who’s not actually my daughter but her father is one of my best friends so she counts or my other daughter who’s not my daughter either but she’s dating my son so she forced her way into my family or my father who is actually my butler or my cousin or my son’s cow, dog, cat, turkey, and dragon bat or my punk daughter or her brother or my best friend who can fly or my club of super people, one of whom I plan to adopt-“
Bruce: ”-ever ever again.“
Bruce: *walks away with his ginormous family trailing behind him*
Barbara: “If you eat that piece of bacon I swear to god this friendship is over"
Dick: *sneaks up on unsuspecting sibling* *randomly drops and crushes said sibling with all their weight* "HUMPBACK WHALE!!!"
Jason: "Hey come here, I have to tell you a secret. Closer. Little closer.” *sticks tongue in their ear*
Cass: “I’m sorry but I really don’t like you and I want you to stay outside of my house or maybe just be dead and burn in the darkest pits of hell please"
Tim: *loses battery for the remote* "WHY WON’T GOD JUST FREAKING LET ME DIE I THINK I’VE EARNED IT BY NOW"
Stephanie: *accidentally sets fire to counter* "You know, maybe you shouldn’t play with fire anymore” “Yeah, maybe-” *lights match* “-but not today"
Damian: "You know once a kid dared me to stick up the middle finger in kindergarten and I did and the second I did it he called the teacher and she made me sit out recess that day and this is why I have trust issues"
Alfred: *banging pots and pans* "GET THE FRICK DOWNSTAIRS YOU PEASANTS I MADE CUPCAKES AND NEED VALIDATION ON MY BAKING ABILITIES"
Bruce: "hOw DaRe YoU dIsReSpEct mE!!! i aM tHe KiNg Of tHiS LiViNg RoOm!!!"