Seeing these two makes me believe in the impossible. Yes I  think these thoughts as I read the running crew assignment that I was given. I’m also re-watching My So Called Life…why did this show end so soon????

But then again it was because it helps me get through those tough times where I feel like I can’t breathe. It reminds we’re only human and we can take only so much. Now I’m not saying we should limit ourselves, but knowing it’s the right time to stop so that we can find other ways to move forward.

Thanks MSCL for always being there for me. I owe you one.

Ryan had just gotten out of bed when the doorbell rang, his hair was a mess and his eyes were bloodshot from a night of drinking. Another side effect was his head was currently pounding…something that the pounding on his door wasn’t helping. Forcing himself up he put on his pants, though he  ignored his shirt for the time being, and yanked open the door with a pained expression “What?” he asked, perhaps a little snappishly, before realizing who it was and he exhaled “I uh…didn’t think i’d see you around.” he said quietly.

I keep going back to MSCL over and over because it’s sort of like the comfort food of television for me. I also go back to it when I feel like I’ve learned something new about the dynamics between parents and children. Looking back on my relationship with my parents growing up, and looking at my relationship with my parents now one of the big issues I think they have is not realizing the complexities of my life. I’ve always said this in one way or another, most of the adults in my life have had this real sneering disregard and disrespect for my life when I was coming up. They would never really give the appropriate weight and importance to my feelings or anything I was going through. Everything was dismissed as moodiness or immaturity and not you know…the actual mental illness and developmental disability that nobody knew I had. I’ve taken a lot of shit off people telling me that a lot of people go undiagnosed in childhood and things like that, and back when we were little kids in the eighties and nineties nobody really thought to screen kids, especially in urban areas. And to a certain extent, sure, I agree with that but then you know, things crossed a line. When I first told my mom that I felt I had nothing to live for, I was nine. She screamed at me and told me that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I still remember her shaking my arm painfully. That was the first time I learned that I couldn’t tell my parents the truth about how I was feeling without frightening repercussions. And it just escalated from there. I feel like I never liked Patty, Angela’s mom on MSCL because I saw that same selfishness in her that I saw in my own parents. It got under my skin when she said to Angela’s dad that she had dyed her hair red to get a reaction. My parents were the same way, they assumed that everything I did, whether it was typing too loud on the family computer or being quiet because I was afraid I might cry was something aimed at them. They couldn’t fathom me having my own thoughts, ideas and opinions. Let alone feelings, and pain that they knew nothing about. Living with them now gives me such deep discomfort because I look at them and I’m like…I bet it doesn’t even bother you that you’re gonna go to your grave not knowing me at all. I don’t understand how somebody can tell me to my face that they love me and have no idea who I am. 

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