*mccool

5

June 12, 2016. In loving memory. 

Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34

Stanley Almodovar III, 23

Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, 20

Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22

Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36

Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22

Luis S. Vielma, 22

K.J. Morris, 37

Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30

Anthony Luis Laureano Disla, 25

Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35

Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, 50

Amanda Alvear, 25

Martin Benitez Torres, 33

Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37

Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26

Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, 35

Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, 25

Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, 31

Oscar A Aracena-Montero, 26

Enrique L. Rios Jr., 25

Miguel Angel Honorato, 30

Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40

Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32

Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19

Cory James Connell, 21

Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37

Luis Daniel Conde, 39

Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33

Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25

Darryl Roman Burt II, 29

Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32

Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21

Jerald Arthur Wright, 31

Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25

Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25

Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, 24

Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, 27

Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33

Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, 49

Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24

Christopher “Drew” Leinonen, 32

Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28

Frank Hernandez Escalante, 27

Paul Terrell Henry, 41

Akyra Monet Murray, 18

Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24

Antonio Davon Brown, 29

Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25

5

Looking back at an unspeakable tragedy – and looking ahead for the communities that will never be the same.

What follows are the names of the 49 victims who died in the Pulse Nightclub Massacre. Rest in power.

Stanley Almodovar III, 23

Amanda L. Alvear, 25

Oscar A. Aracena Montero, 26

Rodolfo Ayala Ayala, 33

Antonio Davon Brown, 29

Darryl Roman Burt II, 29

Angel Candelario-Padro, 28

Juan Chavez Martinez, 25

Luis Daniel Conde, 39

Cory James Connell, 21

Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25

Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32

Simón Adrian Carrillo Fernández, 31

Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25

Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26

Peter Ommy Gonzalez Cruz, 22

Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22

Paul Terrell Henry, 41

Frank Hernandez, 27

Miguel Angel Honorato, 30

Javier Jorge Reyes, 40

Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19

Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30

Anthony Luis Laureano Disla, 25

Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32

Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21

Brenda Marquez McCool, 49

Gilberto R. Silva Menendez, 25

Kimberly Jean Morris, 37

Akyra Monet Murray, 18

Luis Omar Ocasio Capo, 20

Geraldo A. Ortiz Jimenez, 25

Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36

Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32

Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35

Enrique L. Rios, Jr., 25

Jean Carlos Nieves Rodríguez, 27

Xavier Emmanuel Serrano-Rosado, 35

Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24

Yilmary Rodríguez Solivan, 24

Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34

Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33

Martin Benitez Torres, 33

Jonathan A. Camuy Vega, 24

Juan Pablo Rivera Velázquez, 37

Luis Sergio Vielma, 22

Franky Jimmy DeJesus Velázquez, 50

Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37

Jerald Arthur Wright, 31

5

For close to a century, women have more than held their own in the male dominated industry of sports entertainment. Mat-mavens like Mae Young shattered the proverbial glass ceiling; inspiring generations who would ‘Blayze’ a path —— taking their preternatural skills to unprecedented heights. Leading to a revolution in the women’s division. 

it’s been almost a year since the pulse nightclub shooting. a year since the largest mass shooting in American history. 49 people’s lives were lost. it’s been a year since their family has lost them. countries around the world lit up monuments in remembrance for these people. as the anniversary approaches tomorrow, please be safe. if you go to any pride events please be safe. dont forget that there are people who love you.

Rest in Power to the lives lost on that day. Don’t forget about them. 

  • Stanley Almodovar III, age 23
  • Amanda Alvear, 25
  • Oscar A. Aracena-Montero, 26
  • Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33
  • Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21
  • Martin Benitez Torres, 33
  • Antonio D. Brown, 30
  • Darryl R. Burt II, 29
  • Jonathan A. Camuy Vega, 24
  • Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28
  • Simon A. Carrillo Fernandez, 31
  • Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25
  • Luis D. Conde, 39
  • Cory J. Connell, 21
  • Tevin E. Crosby, 25
  • Franky J. Dejesus Velazquez, 50
  • Deonka D. Drayton, 32
  • Mercedez M. Flores, 26
  • Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22
  • Juan R. Guerrero, 22
  • Paul T. Henry, 41
  • Frank Hernandez, 27
  • Miguel A. Honorato, 30
  • Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40
  • Jason B. Josaphat, 19
  • Eddie J. Justice, 30
  • Anthony L. Laureano Disla, 25
  • Christopher A. Leinonen, 32
  • Brenda L. Marquez McCool, 49
  • Jean C. Mendez Perez, 35
  • Akyra Monet Murray, 18
  • Kimberly Morris, 37
  • Jean C. Nieves Rodriguez, 27
  • Luis O. Ocasio-Capo, 20
  • Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25
  • Eric I. Ortiz-Rivera, 36
  • Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32
  • Enrique L. Rios Jr., 25
  • Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37
  • Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24
  • Christopher J. Sanfeliz, 24
  • Xavier E. Serrano Rosado, 35
  • Gilberto R. Silva Menendez, 25
  • Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34
  • Shane E. Tomlinson, 33
  • Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25
  • Luis S. Vielma, 22
  • Luis D. Wilson-Leon, 37
  • Jerald A. Wright, 31
June 12, 2016

We remember

Stanley Almodovar III, age 23
Amanda Alvear, 25
Oscar A. Aracena-Montero, 26
Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33
Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21
Martin Benitez Torres, 33
Antonio D. Brown, 30
Darryl R. Burt II, 29
Jonathan A. Camuy Vega, 24
Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28
Simon A. Carrillo Fernandez, 31
Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25
Luis D. Conde, 39
Cory J. Connell, 21
Tevin E. Crosby, 25
Franky J. Dejesus Velazquez, 50
Deonka D. Drayton, 32
Mercedez M. Flores, 26
Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22
Juan R. Guerrero, 22
Paul T. Henry, 41
Frank Hernandez, 27
Miguel A. Honorato, 30
Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40
Jason B. Josaphat, 19
Eddie J. Justice, 30
Anthony L. Laureano Disla, 25
Christopher A. Leinonen, 32
Brenda L. Marquez McCool, 49
Jean C. Mendez Perez, 35
Akyra Monet Murray, 18
Kimberly Morris, 37
Jean C. Nieves Rodriguez, 27
Luis O. Ocasio-Capo, 20
Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25
Eric I. Ortiz-Rivera, 36
Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32
Enrique L. Rios Jr., 25
Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37
Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24
Christopher J. Sanfeliz, 24
Xavier E. Serrano Rosado, 35
Gilberto R. Silva Menendez, 25
Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34
Shane E. Tomlinson, 33
Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25
Luis S. Vielma, 22
Luis D. Wilson-Leon, 37
Jerald A. Wright, 31

my name is Stanley Almodovar III
i carry the name of my father and his father before me
i’m twenty-three years young
i dyed my hair saturday but no one got to see it sunday morning
my name is Amanda Alvear
i am twenty-five years young
people know me as a pharmacy tech, the girl who lost almost two hundred pounds, the girl who takes too many selfies
but the only place i was truly myself was where i was that night
my name is Oscar Aracena
i am twenty-six years young
i’m a student at Valencia College
i was so close to getting my degree… so close
my name is Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala
i am thirty-three years young
i am a supervisor at the OneBlood donation center
i never did know if my job was the one who tried to save my life
my name is Capt. Antonio Davon Brown of the U.S. Army Reserve
i am thirty years young
i almost have my doctorate degree of management in organizational leadership
almost
my name is Darryl Roman Burt II
i am twenty-nine years young
i just received my master’s degree in Human Resources Management
tonight, i was celebrating
mi llamo Jonathan Camuy
soy es veinticuatro anos
trabajo en una cadena de televisión española
realmente estaba deseando volver a trabajar el lunes
my name is Angel Luis Candelario-Padro
i am twenty-eight years young
soon, i will be an ophthalmic technician
i cannot wait to begin my new job in a few days
my name is Omar Capo
i am twenty years young
i love to dance
i always said i wanted to die doing what i loved
my name is Simon Carrillo
i am thirty-one years young
my partner and i just came home from a little getaway to Niagara Falls
i was really looking forward to our next vacation together
my name is Luis Daniel Conde
i am thirty-nine years young
my best friend is  Juan Pablo Rivera Velazquez
he’s been by my side since high school
my name is  Juan Pablo Rivera Velazquez
i am twenty-two years young
my best friend is  Luis Daniel Conde
seems only fitting we left this world together
my name is Cory James Connell
i am twenty-one years young
my brother is getting married this fall and i am to be his best man
don’t tell him but i have no idea what to say in my speech
my name is Tevin Eugene Crosby
i am twenty-five years young
i am the owner of a marketing firm, Total Entrepreneurs Concepts
hard work truly does pay off; i can’t wait to share my latest meme with all of my facebook friends when i get home tonight
my name is Anthony Luis Laureano Disla
i am twenty-five years young
i love to dance, i want to be a dancer
tonight, i want to go dancing with my friends
my name is Deonka Deidra Drayton
i am thirty-two years young
for the first time in a long time, i can finally, confidently, say
that i am happy
my name is Leroy Valentin Fernandez
i am twenty-five years young
i love to sing
no matter what happens in life, no one will ever take my voice away from me
my name is Mercedez Marisol Flores
i am twenty-six years young
i am studying literature at Valencia College’s West Campus but my true passion is party planning
i’ve been thinking about switching majors
my name is Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz
i am twenty-two years young
all i want to do is make people smile
i’ve always thought that laughter could cure anything
my name is Paul Terrell Henry
i am forty-young years young
i am the proud father of two amazing kids and i have the most magnificent boyfriend
i cannot thank god enough for all of my blessing
my name is Frankie Hernandez
i am twenty-seven years young
i have a little sister, she’s one of my best friends
i cannot wait to see the person she becomes when she grows up
my name is Miguel Angel Honorato
i am thirty years young
i have three sons who i love more than life itself
i hope they will enjoy what i have planned for the next birthday party
my name is Jimmy De Jesús
i am fifty years young
i love my job but i am so thankful i have tomorrow off
i plan on having a good time tonight
my name is Javier Jorge-Reyes
i am forty years young
i am so, so proud of who i am
no one can take that away from me
my name is Jason Josaphat
i am nineteen years young
i love life, i love my life
and it’s only just begun
my name is Eddie Justice
i am thirty years young
i have a huge family, but i am a mama’s boy at heart
i always make sure to text my mom everyday
my name is Christopher Leinonen
i am thirty-two years young
i am madly in love with my boyfriend, Juan Guerrero
i cannot wait to see what the future has in store for the two of us
my name is Juan Guerrero
i am twenty-five years young
i am madly in love with my boyfriend, Christopher Leinonen
after a long week at work, i just want to unwind with my love tonight
my name is Alejandro Martinez
i am twenty-one years young
i have only been living in Florida for two years
but i have always met so many kind people here; that must be why it is called the “sunshine state”
my name is Brenda Lee Marquez-McCool
i am forty-nine years young
i beat cancer twice
and i have never felt more alive
my name is Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez
i am twenty-five years young
i am studying health care management at the Ana G. Mendez University’s Orlando campus
all i want to do is help people
my name is Kimberly Morris, but you can call me ‘KJ’
i am thirty-seven years young
i moved to Florida to be closer to my mother and grandmother
i love my job as a bouncer at Pulse Nightclub
my name is Akyra Murray
i am eighteen years young
i just graduated from West Catholic Preparatory High School
my name is Geraldo Ortiz-Jimenez, but you can call me Drake
i am twenty-five years young
i love Selena Gomez
i hope to meet her one day
Joel Rayon Paniagua
i am thirty-one years young
i love dancing
i am going to meet my friends for a night of dancing
my name is Jean Carlos Mendez Perez
i am thirty-five years young
not to brag, but i am the best salesperson Perfumania
you can ask Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon
my name is Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon
i am thirty-seven years young
growing up wasn’t easy but i can finally say that i am comfortable in my own skin
and i am lucky enough to have Jean Carlos Mendez Perez by my side through it all
my name is Enrique L. Rios
i am twenty-five years young
i am from New York
but i came to Florida to celebrate my friend’s birthday
my name is Eric Ivan Ortiz Rivera
i am thirty-six years young
i don’t really like clubs
but it’s for a friend, so tonight, i will go
my name is Xavier Emmanuel Serrano
i am thirty-five years young
i have a five year old son who is my entire world
i just hope i will raise him to be a genuine and compassionate person
my name is Christopher Sanfeliz
i am twenty-four years young
i am a personal banker at J.P. Morgan Chase bank
i am very thankful to have Sundays off, especially tonight
my name is Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan
i am twenty-four years young
i am a proud mom and wife
my youngest baby is three months old
my name is Jean Carlos Nieves Rodriguez
i am twenty-seven years young
i just brought my first house
i just want my mom to live somewhere nice
my name is Edward Sotomayor Jr.
i was named after my father
i am thirty-four years young
i love my boyfriend and i love adventure
my name is Shane Tomlinson
i am thirty-three years young
i am the lead singer in a band
i love to bring music to the lives of others
my name is Martin Benitez Torres
i am thirty-three years young
last month, i enrolled in college
i hope to be a pharmacy tech
my name is Juan Rivera Velazquez
i am thirty-nine years young
i love being a hair stylist
 i love making people feel beautiful
my name Luis Vielma
i am twenty-two years young
i love my job, especially working on the Harry Potter ride at Universal
but one day i really want to become an EMT
my name is Jerald Arthur Wright
i am thirty-one years young
i have a huge family, both biological and my coworkers 
tonight i am celebrating my friend’s birthday
—  say their names
(cc, 2017)

Today marks the one year anniversary of the Orlando Florida nightclub Pulse shooting, where 49 people were killed for being themselves. It was no coincidence that it was at a gay bar, it wasn’t mere chance that it was “latinix night”. This was nothing but an act of hate. A senseless act of violence from someone who thought he had the right to decide that these people should die because of who they are and who they love. My heart is heavy for the families and friends of the victims. Not a moment goes by that I don’t keep this tragedy and the souls lost in it in my heart and mind. There is nothing we can do now except love. Love with our whole hearts and souls and embrace ourselves and who we love. On this pride month, remember them, remember their names. May you all find peace and love in this tragic time.

Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34
Stanley Almodovar III, 23
Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, 20
Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22
Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36
Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22
Luis S. Vielma, 22
K.J. Morris, 37
Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30
Anthony Luis Laureano Disla, 25
Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35
Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, 50
Amanda Alvear, 25
Martin Benitez Torres, 33
Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37
Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26
Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, 35
Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, 25
Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, 31
Oscar A Aracena-Montero, 26
Enrique L. Rios Jr., 25
Miguel Angel Honorato, 30
Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40
Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32
Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19
Cory James Connell, 21
Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37
Luis Daniel Conde, 39
Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33
Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25
Darryl Roman Burt II, 29
Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32
Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21
Jerald Arthur Wright, 31
Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25
Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25
Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, 24
Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, 27
Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33
Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, 49
Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24
Christopher “Drew” Leinonen, 32
Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28
Frank Hernandez Escalante, 27
Paul Terrell Henry, 41
Akyra Monet Murray, 18
Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24
Antonio Davon Brown, 29
Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25

3

One year ago at this time, 2:02am ET, Omar Mateen entered the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, FL, and proceeded to murder 49 people and injure 53.

All autopsy reports showed that the victims were shot either from the side or from the front, at a close distance, multiple times.  More than one-third were shot in the head.  There were over 200 gunshot wounds in the 49 fallen.  It wasn’t until Septemeber of last year that the last surviving victim was released from hospital.

The attack is the deadliest mass shooting by a single shooter in United States history; the deadliest incident of violence against lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people in the history of the United States - surpassing the 1973 UpStairs Lounge arson attack - and the deadliest terrorist attack in the United States since the September 11 attacks in 2001.

It bothers me, and most of the LGBTQ community I would imagine, that such hatred still exists toward us in 2016/2017.  In a time of political drama everyday, media tet-e-tets, and social firestorms, it’s more crucial than ever to maneuver in love, and strength, and understanding.  Be strong, but don’t be stupid.  Be alert, but don’t be scared.  It breaks my heart that so many of us are still facing abusive interactions from random people and family.  Where in the hell does it end?  

Let’s never forget, and celebrate the lives of, the fallen.

  • Stanley Almodovar III, age 23
  • Amanda Alvear, 25
  • Oscar A. Aracena-Montero, 26
  • Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33
  • Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21
  • Martin Benitez Torres, 33
  • Antonio D. Brown, 30
  • Darryl R. Burt II, 29
  • Jonathan A. Camuy Vega, 24
  • Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28
  • Simon A. Carrillo Fernandez, 31
  • Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25
  • Luis D. Conde, 39
  • Cory J. Connell, 21
  • Tevin E. Crosby, 25
  • Franky J. Dejesus Velazquez, 50
  • Deonka D. Drayton, 32
  • Mercedez M. Flores, 26
  • Juan R. Guerrero, 22
  • Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22
  • Paul T. Henry, 41
  • Frank Hernandez, 27
  • Miguel A. Honorato, 30
  • Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40
  • Jason B. Josaphat, 19
  • Eddie J. Justice, 30
  • Anthony L. Laureano Disla, 25
  • Christopher A. Leinonen, 32
  • Brenda L. Marquez McCool, 49
  • Jean C. Mendez Perez, 35
  • Akyra Monet Murray, 18
  • Kimberly Morris, 37
  • Jean C. Nieves Rodriguez, 27
  • Luis O. Ocasio-Capo, 20
  • Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25
  • Eric I. Ortiz-Rivera, 36
  • Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32
  • Enrique L. Rios Jr., 25
  • Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37
  • Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24
  • Christopher J. Sanfeliz, 24
  • Xavier E. Serrano Rosado, 35
  • Gilberto R. Silva Menendez, 25
  • Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34
  • Shane E. Tomlinson, 33
  • Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25
  • Luis S. Vielma, 22
  • Luis D. Wilson-Leon, 37
  • Jerald A. Wright, 31

Why Reychel would be like a fairy tale

Or what happens when me and @piper-mccool talk about reychel.

  • Listen… Reyna, praetor of camp Jupiter and demigod daughter of bellona, falling in love with mortal Rachel (who is the oracle of Delphi, sworn to be a maiden)… this is fairy tale material right here.
  • When Rachel was going through her confusing visions in the last Olympian she probably had visions about Reyna, her future gf, and painted it thinking it was relevant to the war.
  • She’d be so confused “why do I keep drawing this gorgeous girl percy? What part will she play in this war?“ 
  • And then when Percy starts to get his memory back in son of Neptune he recognises Reyna slightly, but can’t remember where from, but then by the time reychel happens he will know, and he teases Rachel endlessly about her paintings.
  • Percy was so scared at the time though and would definitely think rachel’s visions were predicting some important event but mostly rachel’s just really gay
  • “Percy, it turns out the girl was my gay vision not an apocalyptic prophecy”
  • They hang the paintings in their first apartment together.
  • Reyna is so shook by it, and doesn’t know what to say when she first sees them.
  • Reyna thinks they look to pretty to be her, rachel always assures her she couldn’t capture even half her beauty in her paintings
  • She has pictures of rachel’s paintings on her phone and scrolls through them when she needs cheering up, she doesnt know what she’s doing half the time but the paintings reassure her that they were meant to be a couple.
  • Look… a relationship predicted by the fates, what kind of fairy tale bullshit asdfghjkl 

I believe I have made much mockery of Fionn mac Cumhail without actually giving enough reason for you to believe me that he is, indeed, in all seriousness, my favorite Irish mythological figure. So today, we shall do just that.

We already talked about Fionn’s origins and how he started his road down the path of kickasstitude, but let’s do a quick recap: He was raised by his two warrior moms (his aunt Bodhmall the Warrior-Druidess and her ‘friend’ Liath Luachra the Fighting Woman) and the three of them went on various adventures, some chronicled, most not, and all the while several hitmen were looking for him. His childhood name, Demne, was changed to Fionn, which means literally “white” or “bright”, in reference to his long, flowing white mane of hair, to mask him from those who pursued him due to his increasing fame.

Now, today, I want to talk to you about THE exploit that put Fionn on the map, and no, I am not talking about the Salmon thing, I mean an actual deed of martial mastery and weaponized self-mutilation.

Now an adult, Fionn found himself wandering the land, as he would always be turned away from various orders of knights when his employers realized who he was, since he was a wanted man and target of the mightiest knights ever, the Fianna Knights. Downtrodden but still resolute, Fionn arrived at the city of Tara. There was kind of a big problem with the city of Tara, however: It was burned down to the ground every year for the last 23 years. Not even the Fianna Knights could stop it.

Aillen the Burner was the one responsible for this. Once a year, for the last 23 years, Aillen had burned the city to the ground after using his magical music to put everyone to sleep in the city. Every year, he did this shit, and no one could stop him, because they were ASLEEP and USELESS while Aillen just burned things down with his fire breath calmly and at his own pace. Oh, yeah, by the by, Aillen was a Sidhe from Tuatha De Dannan, AKA a god-like existence. Stopping him wasn’t that simple.

But Fionn took one look at this dude and said “I AM GOING TO SUPLEX HIM”.

Fionn knew the event was to happen the day he arrived, so he made the necessary preparations. Actually, he didn’t, because each one of his testicles has a gravitational field and is harder than steel. He stood outside of the palace of Tara holding his Crane-Skin Bag of Weapons, patiently waiting.

NOW, FIONN FACT: Unlike many heroes, Fionn did not have a named weapon. Instead, his “weapon” was the Crane-Skin Bag. The Crane-Skin Bag, which had once belonged to his father, housed a myriad of magical weapons that Fionn would flexibly use in combat to meet the needs of any particular engagement. Fionn’s power, basically, was having an inventory. Like, you guys remember Doraemon?

Right, so basically, Doraemon is Fionn’s fursona. Literally the same character. The only difference is that Fionn was pulling out sick chainsaws and shotguns out of his bag instead of helicopter hats for his loser friend.

So Fionn was doing a newspaper sudoku, waiting for this shit to go down, when suddenly, over yonder, he heard a very suspicious voice.

“Yo yo yo I’m doing this I’m DOING THIS a 24th time baby #westside time to BURN WHORES”.

It was Aillen the Burner, with his beautiful song that lulls mortals to sleep! One by one, the citizens and warriors of Tara fell asleep like defenseless babes, and Aillen was readying his fire breath when he noticed one thing: Fionn, very much not asleep, was running at him at around 300 kilometers per hour, a huge spear in hand.

“Yo yo ok wtf the fuck, that’s never happened before, what’s your deal, how are you still awake?”

See, Aillen’s plan was, for the most part, flawless. He just failed to account for someone with just the right amount of senseless disregard for his own safety and neurons: Fionn came to the conclusion that if you just avoided falling asleep, Aillen himself couldn’t be too tough, if he was relying on this strategy in the first place. So did Fionn use his literal infinite salmon knowledge superpower to create a balm that would neutralize the effects of the lullaby? No, he didn’t, he just grabbed one of his spears, the poisoned one, and went to town on his own face with it to stay awake.

Let me say that again.

One of Fionn’s spears was poisoned with an extremely potent venom (like fucking every other spear in Irish mythos), and when I say potent, I don’t mean “it stings”, I mean “mere contact with the tip of the spear felt like dipping your fingers in magma”. He held his spear with both hands and, as he ran after Aillen, he kept smashing the tip of his spear against his own face to keep himself awake with the pain of the burning tip.

Holy SHIT

So Aillen, very reasonably scared shitless, ran. He ran for like three blocks and then the much physically superior Fionn caught up to him, his face ANGRY like a bull who had just been kicked in the balls by man in red spandex, grabbed him by the shoulder, and absolutely pincushioned him with spear thrusts like he was some Fist of the North Star live action adaption character. Fionn is actually the first recorded machine gun in history, and what gun companies nowadays use as a basis for their gatling guns, because holy fuck he just RIDDLED the dude into something that would make swiss cheese mold green with envy.

So this kinda left everyone very impressed and even more uncomfortable because, holy shit, ok, Fionn, uh, saved them all, but he’s also the dude they were supposed to kill. How the fuck do you kill THAT? I mean he kinda just killed a god by smashing a spear against his own face repeatedly REALLY HARD for a good while, do YOU want to go against that kind of man? That’s the kind of shit someone with nothing to lose steps away from. Damn.

So, with no viable options other than Not Fighting That Lunatic, Fionn’s heritage was acknowledged, and Goll, in his wisest moment ever recorded, stepped away voluntarily. Goll mac Morna was the guy who staged the coup that killed Fionn’s dad and stole the Fianna Knights leadership from him. The other guy that indirectly killed Fionn’s dad, Tadg mac Duanat, gave Fionn his beautiful house on the hills of Allen to Fionn in exchange for not obliterating him in loud, bloody, gory vengeance. Fionn accepted. Reminder that Tagd is also Fionn’s grandfather on his mother’s side.

And that’s how Fionn regained his rightful ownership of the Fianna Knights, stopped being a wanted man, and killed a god through sheer masochism.

The moral of the story is that if you can beat the fuck out of your own face, your enemies will assume you can do that to their faces just as fine, and they will give you free real estate so you don’t do that.

Remember all 49 of the victims killed in Orlando. Felt the need to honor them.

Stanley Almodovar III, 23 years old

Amanda Alvear, 25 years old

Oscar A Aracena-Montero, 26 years old

Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33 years old

Antonio Davon Brown, 29 years old

Darryl Roman Burt II, 29 years old

Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28 years old

Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25 years old

Luis Daniel Conde, 39 years old

Cory James Connell, 21 years old

Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25 years old

Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32 years old

Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, 31 years old

Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25 years old

Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26 years old

Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22 years old

Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22 years old

Paul Terrell Henry, 41 years old

Frank Hernandez, 27 years old

Miguel Angel Honorato, 30 years old

Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40 years old

Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19 years old

Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30 years old

Anthony Luis Laureanodisla, 25 years old

Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32 years old

Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21 years old

Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, 49 years old

Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, 25 years old

Kimberly Morris, 37 years old

Akyra Monet Murray, 18 years old

Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, 20 years old

Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25 years old

Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36 years old

Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32 years old

Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35 years old

Enrique L. Rios, Jr., 25 years old

Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, 27 years old

Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, 35 years old

Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24 years old

Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24 years old

Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34 years old

Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33 years old

Martin Benitez Torres, 33 years old

Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, 24 years old

Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37 years old

Luis S. Vielma, 22 years old

Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, 50 years old

Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37 years old

Jerald Arthur Wright, 31 years old