Today I hate how my body feels. I’m all bloated and stretched and I’m carrying fat in places I never have before and I don’t like it. It makes me feel uncomfortable and very self-conscious. The two biggest factors that have been affecting my weight since the start of the year are:
- My location. I’m not really close to anything aside from houses. This wasn’t an issue when I had my own transport but being without a car it has become an absolute NIGHTMARE. I have no easy access to grocery stores or food shops which makes buying food and eating healthy hard and its honestly increased my anxiety around my intake dramatically since I started working full time, as my time is now as limited as my access. Then there’s the issue of my landlord making a fuss over two invisible marks (I’ve looked, as have a friend, we can’t find them) on the kitchen bench that she’s turned into a nightmare over that is increasing my anxiety around using my kitchen. I hate my house, I hate how trapped it makes me feel and I hate how bloody far away from EVERYTHING it is. Living here without a car has been a nightmare post car death. Its lead me to become more anti-social due to an increase in my anxiety as I no longer get out as much. It’s affected my friendships. The construction work on the property is STILL going 11 months on when I was told it would be completed in the first 3 months of my move. I hate it. I’m over it. My sanctuary has become a place I’d rather avoid at all costs and that is really starting to take a toll on my mental health.
- The end of daylight savings. This meant that instead of getting home with ample daylight hours left to workout, or getting up early to workout, it’s dark at either end. A gym trip for me requires walking through either a poorly lit street or a poorly lit park to reach public transport, going after work which means walking the same areas at nighttime or workout out in my own area which still faces the same problem. The fact my current unit is very small due to its layout meaning space is a massive issue and I have a lot of anxiety being at home period atm after all the roof leaks/issues with my landlord last week I have zero motivation to work out there as I don’t want to be there at all.
Trying to juggle all the stress I’m feeling about my volatile home life made worst by my landlord since my roof leaked, the stress of having to actually find somewhere else and make that fit around my work, not feeling safe in the dark and just generally feeling a bit worn out has led to a continual weight gain I’ve begun to feel very out of control about. It’s made me cry, it’s given me nightmares and I’m working INCREDIBLY hard to not let it lead to a toxic self-relationship, though it’s starting to lean that way.
I’ve made moving my utmost top priority and truly hope I get some good news on a new place to live soon. I’m tired of my anxiety being so high due to my surroundings, of feeling trapped and stagnant and how that’s affecting my motivation.
Sorry for this rant being a bit negative, but I got really upset this morning about my body and shark week just showed up and I promised I’d always try and be as honest about my journey as I could, the good and the bad.
Here’s hoping for some good news!