Liverpool FC vs. West Ham recapped

Mignolet stole Brendan’s notepad at halftime to meticulously plot how he was going to brutally murder every last one of his defensive teammates, except for Alberto Moreno and Daniel Agger, who still actually plays for Liverpool

Gomez looked like a dog who had just been shown a card trick for the entire time he was on the pitch

Skrtel stood still for 90 consecutive minutes, overwhelmed by locking onto different targets thinking of who to kill next instead of playing football

Lovren underwhelmingly returned to normal and overwhelmingly increased the number of violent crimes committed within the 2 hour window of the match

Clyne was Glen Johnson

Can was like a broken VW Van circa 1971

Lucas died a bit inside

Milner unsurprisingly led Liverpool into failure

Firmino hit the woodwork in the first 5 minutes and then quit

Coutinho rage quit the match after about 50 minutes

Benteke checked out as well about 10 minutes later although he was still physically present on the pitch

Moreno took on the world again, and lost

Ings made his lively debut two goals and a man down, welcome to Anfield

Ibe walked on to a cemetery instead of a football match

I’m so confident about this new season. Like i’m completely confident that we will somehow lose to West Ham 5-0 even though they basically have no strikers, their first choice goalkeeper is suspended, their second choice sucks, one of their main defenders is injured, and their captain is gone. And trust me, the dodgy 1-0 wins against Stoke and Bournemouth, managing to get points only because of incorrect refereeing calls, and our inability to score against a terrible Arsenal defence haven’t made me any less confident.

Today on questions we ask ourselves every match day:

Why are we such crap?
Where is Daniel Agger?
What is defense?
Why doesn’t our manager love us?
How do you score a goal?
Is Mamadou Sakho still alive?
Is Studge done being broken yet?
When did crying over a football team become my past time of choice?
When will Steven Gerrard return from war?

Stay tuned for more Liverpool action that makes you question your sanity!