I love Samson and you should too

So Samson was married to a Philistine girl, right? One day he comes home and is like “I’m gonna go visit my wife” (probably to bang). But his father-in-law informs him that he assumed Samson hated his wife and gave her away to another man. “But her sister is pretty hot, go take her instead.”

Naturally, Samson is pissed off. So like any sane man of the times would, he ties torches to the tails of 300 foxes and send them frolicing through the Philistine’s fields of grain, vineyards, and olive groves. How does this solve things? I don’t know. But it’s magnificent.

The Philistines can’t just let that go, so they burn his father-in-law and wife to death. Samson, never one to be one upped and also pissed off that members of his family were basically tortured to death, just goes out and slaughters a bunch of Philistines. 

So Samson is laying low, hiding in a cave, when a bunch of Israelite men show up and go, “Yo, a bunch of the Philistine rules are PISSED OFF and looking for you. WHAT DID YOU DO???”

His literal response was, “Nothing they didn’t do to me.”



And then ya know he gets handed over to the Philistines and kills a bunch with the jawbone of a donkey (the key here is that it’s fresh???) and goes on to get betrayed by a prostitute and dies because his hair got cut off and a bunch of other cool stuff, but I feel like that already gets enough attention.

Anyways the moral here is the story of Samson is ridiculously interesting and I need a 100% faithful blockbuster budget movie adaption.