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Incongruous

Summary:  Dan gets Phil Lester’s number off of the back of a bathroom stall door and drunk sexts him.  One big problem, Phil Lester is the most famous guy at his university.  

Word Count:  2,220

Tags:  16 year old Dan, 18 year old Phil, jock Phil, awkward nerd Dan, fluff, smut, and a little angst (somewhere probably).

T.W.:  Alcohol, swearing, and mentions of vomiting.  


Dan walks in a circle for the fifth time while biting his thumb.  He was about to have a coffee date with Phil Lester.  The same Phil Lester that was practically the Brad Pitt of his University’s campus.  Phil Lester, the number one goalie for their football team and the same guy who made every girl’s panties drop.  

Dan never did things like this, but then again Dan had been doing things he usually never did recently.  He leans against the bathroom wall and slides down it, resting his head in his hands.  

You’re just psyching yourself out, Howell.  You’re awkward, but you’re not so awkward that you can’t have one fucking conversation with Phil Lester.  The same Phil Lester that you sent a sext to, you’ve already done the most socially unexceptionable thing to do to a complete stranger.  It can’t get any worse, right?  If only I could go back to that night and I wouldn’t even be in this situation. 

“Jesus christ,” Dan mutters as he hits his head against the wall behind him.  Why the hell has he been acting like this lately?

*One week before*

“Come on, Dan!  Live a little!  Get out of that big brain of yours for one night!”  His best friend, Lincoln, had said to him excitedly before smacking his back emanating a loud noise in the quiet library making people turn around and stare.

“No, I already told you.  I’m not going to some stupid club with you and a bunch of our peers, that I don’t even like, with the possibility of getting caught with a fake ID and drinking underage which could very well lead to a shit ton of legal trouble just to live a little.”  Dan crosses his arms after his rant and huffs at Lincoln who rolls his eyes dramatically at Dan.

“Dude, you are such a bummer sometimes.  I get it.  You’re smart. You’re responsible.  You’re 16 and you’re already in university.  Big deal, you’re still a human being, so I firmly believe that you should still get out and party like the rest of us.  Maybe you’ll even meet a guy.”  Lincoln wiggles his eyebrows and elbows Dan in the ribs as Dan perks up a little.  "Did I catch your attention?“  

Dan lets out a long sigh before rubbing his face.  "Fine,” he says still with his hands covering his face.  "You’ll come?!“  His friend asks enthusiastically.  Dan just grunts as a response, but that’s all Lincoln needs.  "Mate, it’s going to be so sick!  You’ll love it, I promise!”  Dan hums miserably before going back to reading out of the textbook in front of him.  

The night that Dan had been dreading all week finally comes and he could not be less excited.  "I don’t want to go.  It’s going to be hot and there will be so many people.“  He whines while watching Lincoln scroll through his computer on the bed.  

Secretly, Dan isn’t more annoyed as he is scared.  Truth be told he had never had alcohol before and he was afraid of the effects it could have on him.

“You’ll be fine.  Now put something decent on so we can leave.”  Dan rolls his eyes and throws on one of his button downs before grabbing his keys and slumping out of his dorm with a very excited Lincoln following close behind.



Dan groans immediately when he sees the club.  "Nope, I’m not doing this.“  He mumbles as he goes to start his car again.  "Hey, c'mon, you haven’t even given it a chance yet.”  Lincoln encourages and grabs Dan’s keys which results in very loud protests.  "You won’t need to be driving after all of the drinking you’ll be doing tonight, anyways.“  Dan flings open his door and drags himself up to the front of the club before tensely presenting his fake ID.  The bouncer barely even glances at the ID before letting them in making Dan sigh in relief.  

“See, that wasn’t that hard, was it?”  Lincoln teases Dan and before he can throw back a sarcastic remark at him, he’s disappeared into the crowd.  "Lincoln!“  Dan shouts with wide eyes, trying to find his friend again.  

"Shit, I should’ve known this was going to happen.”  Dan runs his hand through his hair and lets out a shaky breath as he feel the room starting to close in on him.  He’s always hated crowded places and this is already really pushing him.

“Hey, are you alright?”  A friendly and concerned voice asks behind him.  He turns around and almost faints.  The blue eyes of the one and only, Phil Lester, are staring at him.  He feels like he’s meeting a celebrity.  He had heard many stories about the man and seen pictures, but he had never actually seen him in real life, nonetheless talked to him.  

“I-I-I, uh,” Dan stutters in a pathetic attempt at talking.  "You look like you’re about to pass out hold on, there’s a corner of the club that’s less crowded.“  And with that said, Phil grabs Dan’s arm before weaving them through the crowd.  

They finally arrive in a quieter and less crowded part of the club.  Dan’s breath seems to finally enter his lungs again and he takes in a big gulp of air.  "First time in a club?”  Phil asks empathetically.  Dan nods, “Yeah, how could you tell.”  Phil chuckles slightly.  

“Well, first of all, you look like a freaking fetus.”  Dan blushes in embarrassment and looks down at his shoes.  The most beautiful man he had ever met just called him a fetus.  "And second of all,“ Phil continues, "I did the same thing at my first club.”  

Dan’s eyes widen at that and he looks up at Phil.  "What happened?“  Phil bites his lip and looks around.  "Promise you won’t tell anyone?”  Phil whispers and Dan nods quickly.  "I fainted and an ambulance had to come pick me up and I got busted by the cops for being underage.“  Dan covers his mouth to keep from laughing.  Phil pouts, "Don’t laugh.  It was really scary for me.”  Dan giggles, “I’m sure, Mr. big football player fainting at his first club.  Must have been traumatizing.”  

“It was.”  Phil whines out and pouts even more making Dan giggle louder.  He stops as a drunken man stumbles up to Phil and slings his arm over his shoulder.  "Philllllll, mate you gotta come look at this chick.  She’s sooo hot.“  Phil momentarily looks disappointed before smiling.  "Yeah, I’ll be there in a second.”  The man shakes his head quickly and pulls Phil quickly away.  "I’ll talk to you later.“  Phil calls out to Dan as he’s being pulled away.  

Dan sighs to himself as he watches Phil leave.  I guess the only thing to do now is get drunk.

Four beers, five shots, and one mixed drink later and Dan was completely shit faced.  He stumbles into the bathroom while laughing about god knows what before shutting himself inside a stall.  He sits down on the toilet and just sits there staring at all of the writings on the stall wall.  He snorts as he reads a particularly interesting scribble.  

Phil Lester’s number > 07700 900778

Dan pulls out his phone from his pocket before typing the number into a new text thread.

‘I’d love to see what those pretty blue eyes of yours look like while sucking my dick. xoxo -Dan’

Dan hums while typing the message and sends it before laughing loudly at himself.  He stands up and wobbles for a second until he sturdys himself.  He walks out of the stall and slinks back to the bar before ordering another beer without a second thought to Phil Lester.

Dan wakes up the next morning in the backseat of his car with an enormous headache.  "Holy fucking hell.”  He groans to himself and doesn’t even recognize his own voice due to the harsh scratch of it.  He moans while massaging his temples until a thought pops into his head.  

“No,no,no,no,no.  Dear god, no.”  He says over and over again while pulling out his phone and scrolling through his messages.  He reads the drunken text and instantly becomes nauseous.  He opens the car door and throws up for an entire five minutes and begins crying afterwards.  What was I thinking.  Am I actually fucking crazy?  I texted the university’s superstar a fucking sext.  That morning Dan wishes and prays that Phil doesn’t answer, nor remember who Dan even is.  

Sadly, not everyone gets what they wish for because that following day Dan receives the text he had been dreading. 

07700 900778:  Who is this?

Dan covers his face and feels like crying until he shrivels up from embarrassment and dies.  He rolls his lips together debating if he should text back or not.  And like the idiot he is, he does.  

‘I’m so sorry.  I sent that last night while I was drunk and I was thinking about you after you practically saved my ass and yeah… sorry.’

Dan smacks himself after sending the text.  I was thinking about you, how desperate is that?  Jesus, he was hopeless.  Truly hopeless.

07700 900778:  Ohhh, the beautiful boy with sparkling eyes?  The one I told about my first time at a club?

Dan drops his phone from shock as he reads the text.  Beautiful boy?  Phil fucking Lester just called him beautiful.  Was Phil drunk?

‘Uh, yeah.  Sorry again.  I won’t bother you anymore.' 

07700 900778:  Would you maybe want to get coffee with me Tuesday afternoon?

Dan gulps and impulsively texts back a quick 'yes.’

Why did he just agree to have coffee with Phil Lester after sending him a sext.  He really was an idiot.

So here he is having a panic attack on the bathroom floor like an idiot.  Debating if he should crawl out of the small window above the toilet.  He snorts lightly at the irony.  The last time he was in a compromising situation with Phil, he was also in a bathroom.

“Dan, are you alright?  You’ve been in here a while.”  Phil’s voice bounces off of the bathroom walls making it all too loud for Dan.  He cringes and takes a large breath before standing up, brushing himself off, and flushing the toilet (to give the illusion that he was actually using the restroom rather than over thinking all of his life decisions).

He opens the stall door and clears his throat.  "Er, yeah.  I’m ok, just using the bathroom.“  He awkwardly gestures to the toilet and rolls his eyes at himself.  Idiot.

Phil raises his eyebrows, "Right.  You want to come have coffee with me or stay in here?”  Phil asks sarcastically before smirking slightly.  Dan chuckles, “Lemme’ just wash my hands, geez.  Stop rushing me.”  Dan walks around Phil to get to the sink and begins scrubbing his hands before looking in the mirror.  He notices Phil’s intense stare and coughs before blushing and drying his hands still facing the sink and staring at Phil in the mirror.  

He opens his mouth to speak, but Phil begins moving toward him making him gulp.  Phil places his hands on Dan’s hips and pushes his crotch into Dan’s ass.  Dan gasps slightly at the noticeable bulge before moaning under his breath.  "P-Phil?“  He stutters out as Phil begins to kiss up his neck and suck marks onto his tanned skin.  Deep purple marks soon begin to flourish on his skin and his eyes become heavy with lust, but he continues to stare at his and Phil’s reflection in the mirror.

One of Phil’s hands slowly migrates from it’s place on Dan’s hip to his crotch and massages it.  Dan’s breath hitches as his head finally lulls back onto Phil’s shoulder behind him.  "I know you said you wanted to see what my eyes looked like while I’m blowing you, but I also want to see how beautiful you look while I suck you off.”  Phil whispers into Dan’s ear and kisses it before turning Dan around and leaning him against the sink.  

“Wh-What if someone walks in?”  Dan asks as Phil pulls his pants down quickly.  "Then let them.“  Dan moans at that as he becomes even more aroused.  Phil kisses around Dan’s clothed erection before finally pulling down Dan’s underwear and taking him into his mouth.  

"Fuck-Phil.”  He breathes and looks down at Phil seeing a pair of gorgeous blue eyes staring back up at him.  "Jesus, you’re even prettier than I imagined.“  Dan breathes out and combs his hand through Phil’s hair before tugging it making Phil moan around him.  "P-Phil, I’m close.”  Phil begins bobbing his head faster as Dan’s grip on his hair tightens until finally Dan throws his head back whilst moaning out Phil’s name.  He covers his mouth to try to damper the volume of his moans from the aftershock of his orgasm.  Phil cleans him off and Dan fixes himself before letting his head fall against the mirror behind him.  

“Holy fuck,”  Dan says slightly out of breath while Phil kisses along his jawline.  "Phil Lester just blew me, oh my fucking god.“  Phil laughs against Dan’s skin making him shudder.  "You can blow Phil Lester, if you’ll come home with me.”  Dan nods, “Fuck yes.”