“I keep on convincing myself that I am the right person for you. But there is still that slight fear that I am not. That maybe, you are meant for another and I was just meant to teach you something that’s going to help your relationship with the right person. I can’t help but think: what if she was the person you’re standing next to in the train? What if she was the girl who smiled at you when you were eating in a restaurant? What if she was the person who first said “Hi!” to you upon arriving at your office? What if the right person wasn’t and is never meant to be me regardless of how much I try to be one for you?”
To all those that come here with heavy or broken hearts,
Don’t hold onto someone who doesn’t make you their first and only choice. You are better than second best! You are better than runner-up! Stop with the ‘what-ifs’, and move on. Give your time and heart to someone who desires only you, here and now. The ones who can’t see how great you are don’t deserve your presence in their lives. You are amazing, strong, and more importantly you are unique! Don’t put your life or heart on hold for anyone!
Wooh open askbox, I've been waiting for this ^-^ Three word prompt: Jhope - Kiss, Stars, Rain c:
“I don’t remember,” you tell them, and they don’t believe you because who doesn’t remember their first love, their first kiss?
But you really don’t.
You remember the stars in his eyes, that crescent moon smile, the way he seemed to hold the entire universe in him and his laugh. Yes, you remember his laugh. It was so clear and pure, so filled with hope.
But you don’t remember if he smiled with his teeth, if he laced his fingers with yours when you held hands, the color of his eyes, no, no you don’t even remember his name.
And it is your first love.
It is a mess of rain, hair and tears, a mad confession of wanting, missing and heartache. An answer to the could-have-beens and what-ifs.
An eternity of you lost in him and him lost in you.
And it is your first kiss.
You remember the way it lit up a warm glow when he smiles into your lips, when you felt so inexplicably complete the way he rested his forehead against yours.
But you don’t remember if his lips were cold or warm, if they were moist or chapped, if they whispered promises of forever and love or of goodbyes and broken promises.
Don't leave me alone again.
Your heart aches when you think of him, but you don’t even remember his name.
I have to go.
The voices in your head keep you up at night, in a way caffeine can’t and you resent it but by now you were more resigned than anything.
They play out a different story every night, sometimes of painful farewells and others of promising tomorrows, and you always know the way the story ends, but you don’t know why.
Lighting up a cigarette, you close your eyes, and let your mind wander, sifting through the troubles of humanity… and what you should have for breakfast tomorrow.
You wait for the voices to continue but they don’t.
“Lots of stars out tonight.”
You whisper more to the night sky than the moon, settling into the couch by the balcony, finding the same position you do every night.
Startled by how dimensional the voice sounds, you open your eyes to the familiar quietude of the night. It was a voice in your memory, but you could not quite place it.
Staying silent, you wait for the voice once more.
“He always did love the stars.”
It was closer this time around, and you turn, locking gazes with a man standing at the balcony beyond. You have always thought that the apartment next door was vacant.
The man looks surprised for a moment, staring at you with a look of half doubt and half confusion, as if he were sure you’d remember him, for what he did to you if not anything else.
“You don’t remember me?”
“There are many things I don’t remember.” You answer, looking away from his questioning gaze, a feeling of dread finding its way to your heart.
“What else don’t you remember?” He asks, a sad annotation hidden among the indifferent tone.
“My first love.”
For some reason, he laughs.
“You’re kidding, right?”
There’s something about the way he sounds that disturbs your nerves, something about the way he seemed that ruffles your thoughts.
He looks thoughtful for a moment, turning his gaze to the stars.
“I guess your spell worked then, huh?”
You get the vague feeling he was talking to someone other than you and you stayed silent, following his gaze to the brightest star shining its light in the night sky.
“Well then, goodbye.” he says, turning back to you.
The stranger smiles and your heart aches.
I promise I'll come back to you.
You watch the people run into the eaves you’re standing under, hands shielding their heads in a last attempt to keep the rain away.
Some pull out their small umbrellas tucked away in the furthest corner of their bags and others curse the weather report, contemplating whether to head home or to the station a few blocks away.
It is a usual rainy morning like no other, but you feel detached.
It’s like you had a vacuum pulled over you and everything was moving with time, everything but you. Sounds are muted, your vision blurry. You can’t even feel the rain.
But somehow you know.
How cold it is, how the rain was drowning out every other sound and how that man across the street was about to buy some bread from that pastry store you love.
The voice in your head shouted.
A girl is running in the rain, chasing after a car.
The rain hits her skin like it would go right through and the water washed the street like a river would rise.
You feel drenched. So completely wet and numb that you couldn’t feel the splashing of the vehicles or the wind that blew so hard that the litter swirled into the air like the poor relations of autumn leaves.
And yet there you stand, completely dry under the eaves.
You know what she was going to say before her lips moved and you look on, crushed by her sadness as she falls to the floor, wretched by the sobs escaping her lips.
The nausea churns, unrestrained in your stomach. Your head swims with half-formed regrets. Your heart feels as if the blood in your body has become tar as it struggles to keep a steady beat.
I have to go.
You turn to look, almost as if you know and there he stood, eyes red, shoulders shaking. Your heart aches once more.
Don’t leave me alone again.
She cries even harder now and he holds her in his arms, brushing the wet hair away from her face.
You feel the warmth of his hands against your cheeks, an insatiable fire that burns all the oxygen in your body leaving you listless and empty, leaving you nothing but a throbbing mess of heartache.
He laces his fingers in hers.
I promise I’ll come back to you.
Holding your hands to your lips you held back the sob that was threatening to break away, afraid that if you make a sound it will all be shattered with nothing left.
The boy holds her closer and lifted her face.
Their lips met.
And you remembered.
His lips, were warm and slightly chapped, and they spoke of goodbyes and broken promises.
His eyes the color of the night, he looks deeply into her, into you and he smiles, the saddest smile you’ll ever see.
It’s a spell, he tells you, one that will protect your heart from now, till the next time we meet.
“Liar,” you whispered.
I love you, the voice in your head says, so very much.
// Chapter on AO3 - Heyyyyy :) Sorry for taking this long again - I had my exams, so I didn’t really have time (duh), then I went on holiday and there was no proper wifi (I was literally dying)…! Anyway, here’s the new chapter - I really hope you like it! Let me know what you think! :) //
Ant could still feel the adrenalin pumping through his veins and he knew he wouldn’t come down from his post concert high any time soon. His whole body was full of all this crazy energy, the screams of the crowd and the rhythm of the music that his frantic heartbeat adjusted to. He was smiling so wide, his jaw was already kind of hurting. He waved one last time at the hysterical girls, then stepped down from the stage, instantly knowing Dec was following him; closely, right behind him. That weird sort of spark was still there between them from earlier when they talked, right before they went up on stage. Ant could feel the heat radiating from Declan’s body.
As they walked down the stairs, stepping into the behind the stage area, the screams didn’t seem to get any fainter. Ant felt Dec press a hand into his sweaty back, steering him towards that wall right ahead of them instead of through the archway, to the tiny back room, that was their dressing room.
They stopped there and Ant turned around, so now his back was against the wall, his eyes met Dec’s intense gaze.
‘Did youse mean what you said, Anth?’ he asked, like casually continuing a conversation that just got interrupted a minute and not a concert ago, but the screaming and the blood still drumming in Ant’s ears was too loud for him to be sure.
'Before the concert like. When we went on. Did you- Did you mean when youse said, I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you?’ Dec asked again and god, now that Dec was repeating his words back to him, it sounded so so cheesy.
Ant’s mouth was suddenly too dry and he seemed to have lost his ability to speak. Yeah, he did mean it, he would never deny that, mostly because it was simply just true, but… It was kind of embarrassing to admit something like that, wasn’t it?
Also, Dec’s eyes seemed so much brighter in the darkened lighting, sparkling green-blue, piercing sharply right through Ant. His face was shiny with sweat and lit with this weird kind of awe; his gingerish hair all over, pretty much a mess. Ant had never seen anything so… he couldn’t find the right word, because Dec was not a lass, he couldn’t possibly- oh fuck it, beautiful. That was the word. He had never seen anything so beautiful.
They both leaned in with feverish want, the only thought in Ant’s head; just closer closer and even closer. Then their lips met and the fire in Ant’s belly perked up, spreading throughout his entire body and he grabbed Dec by his shoulders, bringing him in even more, so he was pressed up so unbelievably close against him – his desire was firing him to make the two of them one, to crawl inside Dec, to never let him go.
'I did mean it,’ he finally managed, while trying to catch his breath, but not willing to actually break their kiss, barely even letting go of Dec. It felt like it would have physically pained him to be further away from him, even if only by an inch.
The desire burning in Dec’s eyes, that feeling of belonging together, seemed too concentrated and powerful so Ant didn’t even think Dec registered what he said, but he must have heard it, or rather probably felt it, because he pushed Ant up against the wall even harder and crashed their mouths together again with such hunger and lust, and his kiss seemed to say something like you complete me and Ant felt like dying, it was so so overwhelming; their bodies pressed together so tightly, too much passion, too much heat, too much-
If Ant didn’t understand all the hysteria about the last picture, well, he definitely understands what it is about this one. Whereas the first one, the one that started all this craziness, was just a little peck of a kiss, this one is basically just full on making out and Ant has to admit that it doesn’t look pretty. Like, at all. He has a vague idea when it’s from – definitely PJ and Duncan times judging from the horrible clothing choices –, but not the exact year. The moment Ali shoves the tablet into his hand though, he knows what this is, no matter how strange it feels to see it from the outside this time.
It’s hard to describe, hard to explain what this moment changed in their relationship; Ant thinks, maybe this was when they finally found each other on an emotional level in their teenage lust or… something like that. What he does know though that it was one of The Significant Moments, the ones you usually don’t think about much, but they are always right there in the back of your mind, because they are important and no matter how small or seemingly ordinary, for some strange, unexplainable reason they change things and this one in particular definitely contributed to making them who they are today with Dec. And that’s the reason, Ant remembers the whole thing very very clearly, even though it’s just a kiss, even though it was such a long time ago.
Ali closes the meeting room’s door behind the three of them and Ant thinks she looks a lot better than yesterday. Her easy smile definitely doesn’t indicate that she just had to dismiss two incredibly anxious execs and a panicking TV director and explain to them very very patiently that the reason her clients still can’t go and do their jobs is because they just got into the tabloids because of being incredibly dumb, yet again.
'I have to confirm it first. This new picture…’ she turns to them with a painful smile. 'It is you, right?’
Ant looks at Dec, but he doesn’t appear to have heard the question, he’s sitting at the table, staring at the picture with a slightly horrified expression.
'Yeah,’ Ant nods, then for some reason, he doesn’t exactly know why, he feels like he needs to protect the memory, like the way it got exposed on the internet needs balancing out and he adds, 'Well, I mean, it definitely looks like us.’
'I don’t remember,’ Dec joins the conversation finally, still looking pretty dumbfounded. 'It’s not like, I don’t really remember it very well, it’s like… Nothing. I have no memory of this whatsoever.’
Ant is sure that Dec is pretending too – it’s easier to say they don’t remember it than having to share something so intimate with Ali, or anyone else, exposing it even more. Now that it’s all over the internet, it doesn’t really matter they tell Ali or not what the kiss meant for them, right?
'Well, to be fair, it was a pretty long time ago,’ Ant shrugs.
Dec looks up at that. 'Are you saying that you remember this?’
The tone takes Ant by surprise. Would it be possible that Dec actually can’t remember this? Maybe he’s not pretending at all, maybe he just simply can’t recall anything about this kiss, maybe he has no idea when this is from, what Ant said to him that night, what Dec told him with his kiss… The idea sends an uncomfortable shiver down Ant’s spine.
'Well, no, I’m just saying, that it is us,’ he says finally, after clearing his throat and composing himself a bit.
Ant glances at the picture again to distract himself from this thought and he can’t help but sigh. It might have felt amazing to be there in that moment, being so so close to Dec, but he has to admit; from the outside, it’s not very… nice.
The photo is not the best quality anyway; it’s kind of blurry and dark, especially compared to all the HD pictures they are used to nowadays, but it’s still quite recognisably him and Dec, snogging each other – not very tastefully – against some wall, somewhere backstage at a PJ and Duncan concert. It’s pretty dodgy.
He’s wearing a cap (thank god for small miracles and it’s not the spiky disaster thing!), Dec still has his school boy haircut with the side-bangs, but there are highlights in it. They look very young and very horny. Ant can’t look away from it and he has a quick deja vu to last Monday, when he was staring at a different picture, but the saying, practice makes perfect doesn’t seem to apply here, because he feels just as horrified as he felt back then. Why is this happening to them bloody again?
'If I had to guess, I would say, almost right after Byker,’ Ant continues with the act; he doesn’t really know why. Perhaps he just wants a reaction from Dec that proves that he remembers it too. 'So, that’s what, '94?’ he looks at Dec, sort of expectantly, but what he’s waiting for doesn’t come.
'What does that even matter?’ Dec snaps at him.
Ant gives him a look, oh come on, man, you don’t have to take it out on me!, but Dec doesn’t look him in the eye, like he was afraid of what he would say or do if he did. So he does remember…?
'Well, thankfully, this is not really new in a way that it only confirms what you’ve already said about your relationship earlier. Thank god, we went with the truth and didn’t try to sell it as something recent,’ Ali says, laughing a little when the conversation comes to a standstill, but apparently they are not ready to move on to more constructive topics.
'I just- I don't…’ Dec is shaking his head, at a loss for words. 'How do they even have this?’ he asks then.
'It’s cropped out of a picture accidentally taken at a PJ and Duncan gig. It’s been brushed up and brightened quite a lot – you can’t really see anything on the original, it’s way too dark. Apparently the woman who took it didn’t even notice it at the time, but when the news came out about you on Tuesday, she went back to look at the pictures and well…’
'How do you know all this?’ Ant asks her wonderingly, scrolling through the web page on Ali’s tablet. 'There’s nothing about it in the article…’
'I’m your manager. It’s my job to know,’ she says with a small smile and for some reason that instantly relaxes Ant. Somehow it means that everything’s gonna be fine. 'It doesn’t look like she has any more of these, but the very existence of the photo means that it’s not impossible that someone else has another one somewhere,’ she continues.
The whole thing is so ridiculous and painful that Ant feels like laughing. 'I have no idea how we’ve gotten away with this for 20 years. Like, what the fuck were we even thinking?’ he says motioning animatedly towards the tablet, even though he knows exactly that this wasn’t just a casual, random moment of tenderness; this was something special. 'We’re barely even off the stage after the gig and it’s just…’
'I believe, disturbing is the word you’re looking for there, Ant,’ Dec says deadpan, and while Ant can’t tell if he’s joking or not – probably Dec can’t decide it either – the word perfectly describes the way they are trying to essentially, well…. swallow each other whole on the photo.
Ant nods. 'Yeah. Disturbing. Aye.’
Ali rolls her eyes in way that means, still not very constructive. 'Well,’ she says switching into full on manager mode. 'What we’re gonna do is act quick. We have to get this out of circulation. Almost all tabloid websites already picked it up and both the Sun and the Mirror are planning to run it in print as well. And we are going to try and stop that, because you’ll agree with me that it’s not the… um, most flattering picture of you two.’
They both let out a sarcastic chuckle. No kidding.
'The first one was okay. It was even, you know… cute.’ It definitely looks like, it pains her to say that, to talk about them like that and Ant feels a sharp twinge of guilt, but Ali continues like nothing happened. 'But we can’t have this one all over the internet.’
'So, what do we do?’
Ali holds back her breath and makes a face that means they are not going to like this. 'We take new pictures,’ she blurts out finally.
There is a moment of absolute silence, but then Dec and him – without even looking at each other – say a perfectly synchronised 'No.’
Ant looks up at Dec, who is staring at Ali with wide eyes. 'You’re kidding, right?’
'Okay, then let me ask you this. How important is your career to you?’ Ali asks back grumpily, which prompts Ant to think of what he said to Peter Fincham’s assistant only a little while ago, about their career not being important enough to endure some homophobe wanker’s abuse. Apparently, Dec is thinking about the same thing, because his sour expression suddenly turns a lot brighter.
'Oh, that reminds me,’ he says, exchanging a confidential look with Ant and he somehow seems really calm and… yes, even mischievous. 'Peter Fincham probably wants to kill us.’
Ant fails to suppress a chuckle, but Ali doesn’t seem that entertained.
'What the hell did you do now?’
Dec looks like he’s trying real hard to take this seriously, but he’s kind of failing at it. 'We might have told this guy that he hired to manage our personal things to… fuck off?’
Ali rolls her eyes. ’Great. You know, for years I thought you were the most professional people that I’ve ever met and now… Now it’s all shouting at journalists, snogging in public and telling people to fuck off.’
Dec can’t hold his smile back any more and says, 'I guess, we’re ehm… sorry?’
'Oh, piss off, Dec,’ Ali snaps at him, but now she’s smiling too. 'I’ll take care of it. But that means you have to do the pictures,’ she bargains with them on an even voice.
'What kind of pictures are we talking?’ Ant asks carefully.
'Er, well,’ she seems hesitant, which suggests this is going to be awkward. 'We need something pretty juicy to push this one out of circulation, so I was thinking either a proper kiss or if you really really don’t wanna go there, holding hands.’
'You mean in public?’ Ant asks to clarify, even though he knows the answer.
'Of course, I mean, in public,’ Ali rolls her eyes. 'We need nice pictures that are public, therefore are newsworthy and will be able to push this horribleness out of circulation. Go to a park, walk around, sit on a bench, whatever. And I tip off a couple of paparazzi about it that I know. Guys that I trust. They won’t be up in your face or anything, just pictures from a distance, you won’t even notice anything.’
There is a slight pause in the conversation and Ant knows that they are going to have to say yes to this, but that doesn’t mean they will go down without a fight.
'You do know, we have a live TV show in like 8 hours, right?’ Dec asks her bitterly. 'We’re not exactly time millionaires here, so we can’t just go out to a park to walk around idly…’
'From what I hear you have plenty of time to disappear in the middle of script meetings though?’ Ali interrupts him and Ant can see the way Dec flinches, despite the fact that Ali’s tone is light and playful.
Ant swallows. 'We had to have a private conversation.’
'In the toilet?’ she asks, teasing them, sort of like a sibling would do. She clearly has no idea that she’s stomping right into the complicated mess that their relationship is at the moment.
Ant manages an awkward laugh. 'Okay, I admit, it definitely sounds like we were having sex in a toilet, while we should’ve been working, but I can assure you, that’s not what happened, I mean…’ he accidentally glances at Dec and his face makes Ant bite back the end of the sentence; there was crying involved. Ali doesn’t have to know everything.
'I just… don’t wanna know,’ she confirms that firmly, shaking her head, and yeah, now it’s got a bit away from her. She takes a deep breath. 'So. I go and try to convince Peter Fincham that he shouldn’t fire your rude and unprofessional arses and you go and accidentally have your pictures taken. Do we have a deal?’
They are both just staring at her, Dec seems to be thinking about pros and cons, his tongue slipping out to moisten his lips.
'You get to keep your dignity this way,’ Ali tries to reassure them when it becomes clear, they are both staying silent and Ant can’t help but think that the dignity ship has sailed a pretty long time ago. 'You are actually going out there, doing what you should have done ages ago; you’re going public with it. That’s a good thing!’ she points out and that seems to kind of convince Dec, but Ant is worried about something else.
'Ali, you do know, we’re not actually…’ together, is what Ant wants to say, but he cuts himself off. Now that he’s thinking about it, he doesn’t actually know if they are or not. They haven’t gotten to that point of The Conversation yet.
'What?’ Ali asks him impatiently when he doesn’t continue, seemingly totally oblivious.
Ant can feel Dec looking at him; he obviously knows what Ant wanted to say. Suddenly his throat feels too dry.
'Nothing,’ he manages and he doesn’t really know what makes him decide to just leave it, but he certainly feels like it’s the right decision. Whatever. They’ll figure it out.
'Okay then,’ Ali nods, 'What’s that park called, the one that’s just round the corner?’
'What, Bernie Spain Gardens?’ Dec frowns at her.
'Yep, that’s the one.’
'You know, it’s not going to be empty, right?’
She makes a dismissive little hand gesture. 'It’s March. It’s cold. There’s gonna be like one mum who can’t get her kid to shut up and two old ladies who have nothing to do with their lives. I am confident that you have the abilities to deal with a crying baby and two grandmas yelling obscenities at you and perhaps mumbling about the two of you going to hell. The being caught at snogging publicly part shouldn’t be a problem either – you seem to be pretty good at that. ’
'That’s nice, thanks,’ Dec says, making a face.
Ali smiles back at Dec and their relationship almost seems like how it was before they started dating. There’s some sexual tension, a fair amount of flirting and teasing, but nothing too serious. Oh, it used to make Ant so fucking jealous!
'Oh, there is something else and you’re not going to be happy about it,’ Ali looks up suddenly.
'That’s okay,’ Dec mumbles, grinning a little. 'I can’t really remember what it feels like to be happy, so just go ahead…’
Ali shakes her head. She appreciates Dec’s try, but it’s not going to be funny. 'It’s your driver again,’ she says and Ant swears the room suddenly gets a few degrees cooler. Ali looks up at them. Dec seems sort of mildly annoyed, like he can’t really decide whether to be angry or not. Ant on the other hand can feel himself wind up. This is betrayal in its worst form. They trusted Joe, they were so comfortable with Joe…! He even cracked a joke with him on the way to work on the very day the whole thing came out, and now he’s doing… this.
Ali lets out a frustrated huff; she hates it too, because it means that they are not only attacked from the outside, but the inside as well. Makes it all the more complicated. 'This time, it’s trust issues and Ant always choosing Lisa.’
'Oh, for fuck’s sake-’ it bubbles out of Ant, but Ali interrupts him in a firm voice; not letting it get out of control.
'We’re going to have to sit down and write a list of things that you said in front of him,’ she says calmly. 'It’s not as bad as it sounds,’ she tries to reassure them. 'But I do think, it’s time for legal action. I’m guessing there was a secrecy clause in his contract and I already talked to legal people at ITV and they are willing to help you out with that.’
'Okay,’ Ant nods and he hears Dec sigh. This is what it’s come to now… They look at each other, their eyes lock. What a mess.
There is a quiet, almost shy knock on the door and an intern enters.
'There is someone called Cleaveland Rodgers here for you, Miss Astall?’ she says, a bit taken aback by the fact that both Ant and Dec start laughing at that. Ali just seems confused, but when the intern girl adds, 'He said, Peter Fincham sent him,’ there is recognition on her face.
The intern leaves and Ali turns to the two of them. 'He’s the one you-?’
They both nod before she could finish the question.
'And you actually said the words fuck off? Great,’ she seems equally amused and annoyed to have to deal with this.
'Well, good luck with that – we’re off to the park!’ Dec says with a sour, but incredibly sarcastic smile and he stands up to follow Ant to the door.
'Guys?’ Ali calls after them, her voice strangely gentle this time. 'If- If anything happens, call me and I get someone to pick you up and bring you back.’
'Yeah, thanks, Ali,’ Ant says, looking back, trying to look as grateful as he can.
He holds the door open for Dec and starts wondering if that’s a relationship thing too, him holding the door for him. Or maybe it has nothing to do with anything and he’s always just done that, because his mam raised him to be polite. He questions all kinds of things like that nowadays, but doesn’t really find answers to any of them.
They are already half way down the corridor when he musters enough courage to say what he has to say, 'I need to call Lisa.’
He sort of expects Dec either to be confused or pretend to be calm, but he just simply nods.
'To tell her about the park pictures,’ he says, but it doesn’t sound like a question. He seems to accept, if maybe not completely understand it and that’s more than enough for Ant. He tends to forget how effortlessly they do this whole unconditional love thing.
'Yeah,’ Ant smiles at him, indescribably thankful for just having him by his side, and not someone else.
Dec smiles back – perhaps a bit tightly –, his tongue flips out to moisten his pink lips. 'I’ll go and talk to Chris and the execs,’ he says then, starting a new topic. 'I’m sure they’re gonna be over the moon when they hear we still can’t rehearse yet.’
Ant manages a faint laugh. Now that he’s told Dec, the other big task is talking to Lisa, and Ant is not sure that’s going to go down this smoothly. Lisa asked him to inform her of things like that though, so she’s not taken by surprise and, well, Ant definitely owes her this much. Oh, and so much more. He left her for a man, for god’s sake, and it’s not like he doesn’t love her…!
Ant looks up and realises that Dec’s still expecting him to react to his comment about the crew and producers not being happy with the further delay of rehearsal.
'We wouldn’t even be in on a normal Saturday yet,’ he reminds Dec softly, glancing at his watch. 'It’s gonna be fine,’ he says as reassuringly as possible, but he’s not sure that even he believes that.
'Yeah, well, we did have to re-write the entire show,’ Dec says, raising an eyebrow, but already turning away, in the general direction of the studio.
Something about that – the sight of Dec leaving – makes Ant want to feel close to him; as close as he can. Just closer closer closer and even closer, he thinks dryly, but thank god he’s not a teenager pretending to be a rapper/pop star any more and he doesn’t jump Dec and start snogging him right then and there on the corridor. Anyone who says being a teenager was great is lying, he decides. It was a big mess of disgusting haircuts and awful horniness and Ant couldn’t be happier that they are past that. Well, they are not exactly past the publicly kissing thing or the horniness, but at least the haircuts.
'Dec?’ Ant finally calls after him; feeling a bit afraid, and perhaps a bit silly as well. He has to know though. He just has to.
'Yeah?’ he turns around, looking grumpier than ever, but maybe that’s just Ant’s imagination.
'You honestly can’t remember?’ Ant asks, hating the sound of his voice wavering with a bit of doubt, but Dec doesn’t seem to notice his uncertainty, he just looks at him with widened eyes.
'Don’t be daft, of course I can,’ he replies eventually, kind of rolling his eyes, as if saying, really, how could I forget it? 'You told us, I was the best thing that ever happened to you and while that’s of course true-’ Ant can’t help, but make a face at that, while Dec just grins at him cheekily, ’-, because, I mean, you’re such a miserable git, Anth…’ Another bright smile here, 'But, you know,’ he shrugs. 'I appreciate it. I still do,’ he says, his voice turning sincere.
He’s looking into Ant’s eyes and he knows that Dec knows too – despite what Ali says – that there’s not going to be any other pictures. It was a one time thing, a moment this intense; when being careful couldn’t have mattered less, when the only thing they could think of was each other and that clouded their judgement. There are not going to be any more photos like that, because there weren’t any more kisses like that.
And of-fucking-course, Dec remembers. Ant is so guilty about feeling relieved, but at the same time, it’s just so good, because it’s proven once again that he can trust Dec to always just be… Dec. 'Love you,’ Ant tells him before he could even realise what he’s saying, his tone is kind of like it would be when casually saying goodbye at the end of the day. Dec pauses for a second.
'Yeah,’ he says. 'You too,’ then he turns around, smiling faintly, like there was something amusing about all this, about Ant; an inside joke that only he understands.
Ant doesn’t really mind. He smiles too. He forgot to ask about the other thing, but maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe they are together.
He’s still thinking about this whole mess they’ve gotten themselves into again and all this kissing in a park situation – and oh god, he’s gonna have to call Lisa in a minute! – when he accidentally walks into Ashley Roberts. It’s not like in the movies, it’s not cute or adorable or clumsy, he actually, quite literally just walks into her. Their shoulders bump pretty hard and for a moment he doesn’t even know what happened, it’s all just confused weirdness and an unbelievable amount of blonde hair everywhere.
'Hey,’ Ashley says once they’ve both gotten over the shock and Ant is still amused by how she’s capable of making just one word sound so bloody American.
'Hiya Ashley,’ he says with an exhausted sort of smile, because he figures if he appears to be tired, the conversation might not last that long.
'Er… You okay?’ Ashley asks and Ant can’t help but let out a sarcastic chuckle. No, not really. Not okay at all.
'Yeah, we’re fine,’ he says instead.
She gives him a look at that and Ant belatedly realises that she was only asking about him, not the both of them.
She quickly recovers from the weird situation though and she smiles at him brightly, like she would at the cameras. 'The show looks awesome. It’s pretty funny,’ she says.
To be fair, Ant couldn’t really care less about her opinion on the show – he pretty much just wants to go and quickly call Lisa, so he can finish the phone conversation before Dec returns. 'Thanks,’ he murmurs distractedly, gripping his phone tightly in his pocket.
'Gee, you sound enthusiastic…’ she laughs. 'Is it the Piers Morgan thing?’
Ant looks up at that. 'What Piers Morgan thing?’
'Oh,’ she says, frowning a bit. 'It’s nothing,’ she tries to shrug it away, but Ant’s still looking at her quizzically, so she finally explains. 'Well, he just tweeted something about- You know what? Don’t worry about it. You’re amazing.’
Ant looks at her for a moment, then he decides that he can always just find out about the Piers Morgan thing later.
'Thanks,’ he says, smiling as warmly as he can manage, because he does appreciate Ashley being nice and supportive.
'Have a great show,’ she says, sounding even more American if that’s even possible and she pats him on the back.
'Aye, you too. See you later.’
About half an hour later, they’re still in ITV towers and not in a park wandering around idly, posing for photographers. Ant’s phone call with Lisa was more emotional and less angry than he expected and while none of his guilt, nor the love he feels towards her subsided in any way yet, he sort of thinks, he can see how this’ll work after their divorce and everything. He’s headed towards his dressing room to get a cigarette and plans on sneaking out to somewhere that’s not flooded with paparazzi yet to just have a quick, much needed, relaxing smoke, when he hears Dec’s voice coming down the corridor. It stops him dead in his tracks.
'Hey, Jill, sorry, have you seen Ant?’ Dec asks someone, and while Ant can’t see him yet, there is definitely something in his voice that sends shivers down his spine. The bad kinds.
Ant thinks, it’s like Dec’s panicking, but composing himself enough so other people don’t know. Ant of course can hear it in his voice and he starts walking faster. He knows, something’s wrong, he can feel it.
Jill says an apologetic, but friendly no and Ant can hear her walk away. Ant turns the corner and him and Dec finally see each other, almost collide, and one look at Dec’s face is enough for Ant to grab him around the waist and lead him to a relatively hidden, empty part of the corridor.
The moment Dec sees him, his mask falls, his energy to pretend to be okay seems to disappear right away.
'They went to my brother’s house,’ he utters and his voice sounds frighteningly choked, presumably because of the tears that are not coming.
'What?’ Ant says, frowning.
'The bloody paparazzi,’ Dec manages, clinging onto Ant’s arms. 'They- They talked to Martin.’
Ant hisses. Oh shit. 'How bad?’
Dec shakes his head. 'He didn't… He just called me, he- He didn’t talk to them or I don’t know, I don’t care, it’s just… He has nothing to do with this like,’ he says, looking up at Ant; his eyes look way too big and innocent. 'He’s just… He’s me brother. They can’t fucking do this, it's… They can’t do this, Ant.’
'No, they can’t do this. What if they go to me Mam next? What if they go to-? They can’t. They just fucking can't…’ Dec doesn’t manage to finish the last sentence. He still doesn’t seem to be crying, but he’s breathing pretty heavily and his face looks more panicked than Ant ever remembers it being.
He manages to calm Dec down enough to get him into the closest toilet without anyone staring at them more weirdly than usual. Now they are standing opposite to each other, leaning onto a stall door, breathing each other’s air.
'He said, he loves me the way I am, and Mam’s just being stupid. He said he was sorry as well,’ Dec says eventually when his breathing gets back to normal.
'Martin said that?’ Ant says, lifting an eyebrow, a bit surprised.
Dec swallows, then nods, fixing his shoes with his stare. He doesn’t seem particularly happy about Martin finally being okay with the two of them being together, which makes Ant worry. He knows how much Dec cares about his older siblings’ appreciation and acceptance.
'You okay?’ Ant asks, and while the question is silly, it does what it needs to.
'Fuck no,’ Dec blurts out, his breathing sounds pretty ragged again and when he looks up at Ant his eyes are obviously saying, it’s just too much.
Ant holds him in place, looking into his eyes – not letting him getting into a panic attack again. (He vaguely thinks about maybe googling this sort of stuff – it could be completely normal, they are going through a lot at the moment after all, but Dec getting into this panicky state definitely happens more frequently than Ant would like and if this is a proper mental health problem, they’re gonna need to do something about it. They just need to get through tonight first.) His fingers are firmly grasping Dec’s wrists, not letting him move.
'Just look at me, okay? Just stand here with me a minute, aye? Don’t think. This is just us. We’re not Ant and Dec off the telly, okay? We’re just… It’s just you and me, Dec. Anthony and Declan. And just…’ Ant takes a deep breath. This is not easy on him either. 'I just want you to know that it’s all gonna be fine. We’re gonna be fine, Dec, I bloody promise you that we are,’ his voice sounds soft and trembling to him; it feels like, he’s overflowing with emotion.
They stand there, like that for a while, until Dec slowly nods. He glances up at Ant and he… Well, yeah. The word is still beautiful. He looks beautiful.
'Kiss me,’ Ant says, surprising even himself, but it kind of comes out like a question.
Dec doesn’t look away, but he holds his breath, like he can’t really decide what to do.
'I know you want to,’ Ant whispers, smiling into it, because he knows how clichéd that sounds. He can feel Dec shiver with anticipation under his fingers.
They both know, it’s not a question of whether they want to – of course they do.
'You’re making a compelling argument,’ Dec manages; it’s barely a hoarse whisper. He smiles at him, but there is something careful about the way he does it and Ant can’t make himself smile back.
He knows that he looks way too hopeful and there are finally tears in Dec’s eyes. He doesn’t exactly need 25 years of being together to know what this means.
Dec opens his mouth, lips trembling, like he wants to say yes, wants to so badly, but…
'I can’t,’ he mouths silently and while Ant has no idea what that means exactly, he nods, because… Well, maybe he doesn’t have to know exactly what it is.
The point is that Dec is not there yet – who knows, maybe his head needs a bit of clearing up, maybe his emotions seem too much at the moment, maybe he just needs to be alone for a while – deal with his brother being harassed because of him. It’s fine though. When wasn’t he willing to wait for Dec?
'Okay,’ Ant nods.
'Yeah,’ he says, pulling him out of the toilet. 'Come on.’
I'm having trouble deciding on whether I'm INTP or ENTP. I definitely use Ti and Ne the most, I just can't decide in what order. I've read tons of things online, and it looks like I use more Ti because I look more about how my idea would come to be or work, but I use almost too much Fe to be an INTP. Could you do a quick paragraph (or even a few sentences) on the difference of the types and their behavior?
An ENTP uses Ne first. Ideas and What- Ifs whether logical or not. Then they narrow with Ti, or internal logic. Next is Fe which is where their people skills come in. They have the potential communicate greatly through Fe. Not by a deep concern for others like Dom Fe but instead through charms, outward emotion, and the ability to adapt consciously to the mood of the room. Lastly is Si which is like a little mass storage of knowledge. Random facts and pass memories. It is unfamiliar to use too much and can confuse the ENTP into thinking the past is supposed to mean more to them yet they can’t understand why. In the grip, then become obsessed with details and facts because of it, constantly striving for their experiences to be familiar.
INTP contrasts this greatly. First off they are an introvert. In big groups, they don’t talk nearly as much as extroverts. They prefer to be in their own mind or with a couple close friends than around a ton of people. They process the logic of situations and ideas first with Ti, before moving onto a more limited amount of abstract ideas. Their ideas tend to be a bit more sound and reliable due to the fact that they think through it first before saying. (That’s the Ne). Then comes Si. This will make the INTP a little more traditional than the ENTP. They will still like familiar things to back up their crazy Ne, just not always. Then comes Fe which they don’t use like an ENTP. It is not a source of charm or a way to read the room. It is simply a way to get out some emotions. It’s hard to use and confusing for them. They feel the emotions of the room, but can’t recognize where they are. In the grip, they can be uncontrollably moody and not even know why they are expert wing emotions.
Light-kun, there are two types of people: the ones who like to take risks, who do not think before they act, who prefer to live the moment and who never regret their decisions; and the ones who like to think through every single step before they act, who do not take risks, who treasure their pride, who prefer to suffer from an empty life full of 'what ifs' rather than of 'oh wells'. Do you think it's better to lose AND win, or to never lose and never win? ~L
I think…I think, of course, that a mixture of the two options would be the best. Then again, I play to win, so I would much rather take risks. However, when I think about it, I see myself more as the second option, because I analyze every single step of the way before even thinking about doing something. It’s a very tricky question, and I believe individuals of the first category live a fuller life; one that they can be proud of. As for the second one…What is the fun in living if you’re not going to enjoy it? I treasure my pride, that’s exactly why I must look for challenges and give them my all. What made you think about that?
“And maybe I am not as poetic as I think I am. And maybe I am not as poetic as I wish to be. And maybe my life isn’t as interesting as I like to paint it. And maybe I am not sad but I just want to feel. Feel something, anything. I long for the warmth of the touch of someone I love. And maybe I am running out of maybes. But that is okay because I would rather have maybes than what ifs.”
“You used to ask me what the songs we sat and listened to together meant
‘What are they singing about?’ you’d say
I always knew the words.
You sang and I lifted you up
The way I always did
Do you forget how I always did?
Well I know the meanings.
I can relate all too well now
The way you left makes no sense
But I’ll forgive you again and again
And try my hardest to be subtle
But you’ll know exactly what I mean.
I hope you’ll come back around
I don’t know how you live with the what ifs.
Fear would never have stopped me.”
Well, season 5 of Teen Wolf is in full swing and after two episodes, I think I need to check myself into Eichen House. I have always been the type of person to work out theories about Teen Wolf and imagine the “what ifs” and I found out that I’m pretty good at it. How? Well, back in S2, I jokingly said Peter will probably come back to life and then 3 episodes later… he did. In 3A, I totally called Jennifer being evil purely because I knew Derek’s love life sucked. And then I also called Kate not being dead because dude, it’s Beacon Hills. Now, I am going to take a few of my what ifs of the season and turn it into legit theories and share them with people across the world (you).
So first things first, Theo. This new (hot) guy shows up attempting to help Scott fight that evil wolf dude and is like “oh hi, can i join your pact?” I am very fearful about trusting new characters because I know Jeff Davis is an evil mastermind and would give us a character to love then make them evil. After the second episode, we know he definitely has a bit of crazy in him. Especially after he showed up in full wolf form at the school when Liam was about to reveal to Mason he’s a werewolf and then he broke his “dads” hand. He is definitely crazy and I have no doubt he’s going to be one of the reasons that Scott “loses” his friends. I think that story he made up about him being bit is totally false because I thought that only people born wolves could become a wolf like that (like the Hales).
You know how they say that you’re stronger with a pact? Well, Scott is hella strong and he has an amazing pact (even if some are humans) and now this new guy wants to join. Since Liam and Stiles already are suspicious of him and we can infer they’re going to lose their connection with Scott by him trusting Theo. As mentioned by Deaton, pact members can steal an alpha’s power, even a true alpha’s and Scott has let this boy into his pack. I think that was Theo’s plan, to come back and destroy Scott. Part of me also came up with a few crazy theories about Theo and since we’re only two episodes in and everything is crazy, what do I have to lose. I was sitting in bed wondering, what if Theo is like Malia’s brother or something and the desert wolf is his momma too. We don’t know about Theo’s parents all we know is he has a sister who “died.” Maybe he is back to get revenge for his sister dying or something? All I know is, I am certain he cannot be trusted and is going to be the reason that Stiles, Liam and all the others friendship fades from Scott.
Usually my theory about new characters who show up in the first 10 minutes is that they’ll be dead by the end of the episode, Tracy defeated my theory. Not only is she alive, but she’s not crazy!!! So these doctors gave her a shot and then her eyes start glowing and we discover she’s a wolf. Say what? These doctors made it clear, they’re after Scott with the werewolf who tried to kill him actually being sent by the doctors. They’re called the doctors and since they had a shot, it makes me wonder, what type of medical procedures are the doing?
Since I am guessing Tracy wasn’t a werewolf before any of this, I’m thinking that the doctors found a way to make a werewolf without giving the bite. And since the person who bites you is your alpha, these doctors are their alphas by completely switching the game. I think it’s too soon to figure out their true tactics but all I can hope for is everything will end in the typical finale way with chaos, winning and a happy(ish) ending.
FINALLY MARRISH IS ALIVE. After seeing the amazing flirtation between these two in episode two and then Parrish hallucinating Lydia while he was injured, my feels are in overload. And if that’s not good enough for you, in the super s5 sneak peek, Parrish teaches her to fight and they laugh as he brings her closer to him. LIKE IS YOUR HEART RACING? I know mine is. They have this chemistry between them when they’re talking and the way Parrish’s eyes kind of glow when they’re talking just makes me wonder, where can I buy a Parrish of my own? And although we still have no idea what he is after 3 weeks of them working together (I wonder if something else rather than researching went on between these two during that time wink wink), we still know he’s something but what? Everyone is thinking phoenix and I agree a little but I feel like if he was, they’d figure that out by now.
Also, these two are totally going to happen. Your argument is invalid.
With Derek Hale not being in S5, there is one character I am loving. Liam is so freaking adorable. I started calling him a puppy dog last year and it’s still true. I love seeing the big brother roles played by Scott and Stiles with him and he just adds comedy to break tension which is perfect. He reminds me of a baby Scott with more sass. And I am totally excited to see how him and Mason work together now that Mason knows. What I’m not excited for, a love interest. As you can tell, there’s a girl in his storyline this year who is really mad and pulled the gum in the chair trick on our little puppy dog. I don’t like her. I guess she’s going to be his girl this season but honestly, I prefer him by himself.
Ladies and gents, we finally have a chance of EVERYONE’S OTP happening. That’s right, Mama McCall and Sheriff Stilinski (our two fave parents) can become an item this season. Melissa Ponzio said that she didn’t think they would happen until he took off the wedding ring and what do you know, he finally took it of. Maybe at the end of s5 and all the chaos that the doctors, Theo, etc brings to Beacon Hills and when Scott and Stiles are back to the best friendship ever, there might be a wedding to attend.
As you can tell, I can only guess and hope but what I’ve learned so far from S5 is this:
- Theo cannot be trusted yet.
- Liam Dunbar is the best thing ever
- Marrish is end game
- These doctors are cray
What do you guys think will happen this season? What are you loving and hating so far?