i’ll save u the gruesome details of addiction and just say this. last year was a terrible year for me, for many many reasons, alcoholism being a big part of it. but also it was a year that taught me a lot. of course i wish it had never happened, but it did, and all i can do is take it all as an experience i can learn from. it was a shitfest, but now i get to live in a kinder, better world. with people who care, and make me laugh and who are sweet and kind and i get to, sometimes, have a little bit of hope in my life. which out of everything, is the craziest thing to come out of all this. 

i would not be here today without the help of those around me online. 2015 was lonely, and crazy, and just a constant barrage of shit from all angles. but 2016 is kinder. 

and, as overly sentimental and dramatic as that sounds, i owe a huge god damn proportion of that to dan and phil. 

in november i was in a psychiatric hospital, on antipsychotics and pretty much at one of the lowest points of my life so far. and while looking on youtube for something to watch to pass the hours away (psych wards are so boring, dont believe the movies), youtube recommended me a video from dan and phil games. as someone who casually watched dnp in 2010 ish, i decided to watch it, thinking i’d watch maybe a couple vids max and move on. and then i didnt. i kept watching. and those videos got me through a lot of very, very very bad times in that hospital. and everything went from there. and i cannot thank those boys enough for those stupid, silly videos for bringing me into a community where i have met some of the most amazing, kind and talented people i have ever had the please to meet. 

so there’s ur soppy inspiration for today. life is shit, believe me, i’ve been dealt a fucking shitty hand by whatever powers may be, but there is so much out there, so many tiny, immaterial, silly things that have the power to bring so much into ur life if you let them.

sometimes to get through the whit knuckles praying and bone breaking anger, all u need is the smallest of ideas, a video, a gesture, a book, a smile, a poem, a fucking … cat. who knows, to see you though to the other side. 

if you live in the dark for a long time, u only need the tiniest spark to bring u back to the light

todays a good day. today marks a day where i have done something more amazing than i ever thought it possible for me to do.

and if anyones still reading this mess, then u can do the same. not all achievements are good jobs and gradation certificates and i love yous and 10/10s. sometimes ur alive, against all odds, ur alive. and thats pretty fucking great