*beer bad

Every Argument About “Buffy” On The Internet, From 1998 Until Now
Joss Whedon: Inventer Of Feminism Or Literal Hitler?
  • Joss Whedon invented feminism. Before Joss Whedon, every female character on television was crushed to death under the weight of her male co-stars’ heavier paychecks in the second-season finale.
  • Every female character Joss Whedon ever wrote was forcibly impregnated by a demon and brutally murdered, because Joss Whedon hates lesbians.
  • But Warren And The Trio Were –
  • EVERYONE GETS THAT WARREN AND THE TRIO REPRESENTED THE THREAT OF NON-SUPERNATURAL MISOGYNY, YOU DON’T GET CREDIT FOR PICKING UP ON THAT

Joss Whedon Doesn’t Understand What Bisexuality Is

  • Willow Identifies As Gay And You Are Robbing Her Of Self-Determination Because She Doesn’t Have A “Gold Star”
  • I’d Feel More Comfortable With Willow’s Lesbianism If It Weren’t Sometimes Equated With Drug Addiction, Literal Vampirism, And Megalomania
  • But She Was Clearly In Love With Oz
  • Who Are You To Say What Love Is
  • Dark Willow Was Pretty Hot, Though
  • Yeah, Dark Willow Was Super Hot
  • I’d Watch Dark Willow And Doppelgangland-Era Willow Hook Up If It Weren’t A Patriarchal Fantasy

Spuffy Is Problematic

  • Bangel Is A Child’s Delusion Of What Love Is
  • Spuffy Is Literally Assault
  • Okay But He Felt Really Bad About It And Didn’t Have A Soul

Waif-Fu And Thermodynamics: You Can’t Violate The Law Of Conservation Of Momentum

Season Six Felt Like Watching My Friends Get Murdered In Slow Motion Right In Front Of Me

  • It Was Worth It For Once More, With Feeling, Though
  • No, It Wasn’t
  • Doublemeat Palace Cancels Out Once More, With Feeling
  • Doublemeat Palace Cancels Out My Childhood

Xander Is The Only Character Who Retains Their Humanity On The Entire Show

  • Xander Is A Greater Monster Than Angelus And Invented “Nice Guy” Syndrome

Buffy Started To Falter After Angel Premiered

  • No, Buffy Started To Falter After Firefly Premiered
  • No, Buffy Has Never Faltered And Is Still On The Air
  • Buffy Started To Falter When Angel/Faith/Buffy Came Back
  • Buffy Was Better When It Was A Movie With Kristy Swanson

What If Evil?

  • Dark Willow Straight-Up Flayed a Dude!
  • Extremism In the Pursuit of Love Is No Vice
  • If a Dude Had Flayed Willow, Would We Be Cheering?

Everyone Was Too Hard On Dawn For Being A Regular Human Being

  • Don’t You Dare Try To Retroactively Justify Dawn

Oz vs. Tara

  • Oz Was Boring; Tara Was Too Good For This Sinful Earth
  • Tara Was Boring; Oz Was The Greatest Love Interest In Television History; Remember That Animal Crackers Monologue
  • What About Kenned–
  • SHUT UP ABOUT KENNEDY

Jenny Calendar And Race-Bending

Is It Important That Buffy Is Decidedly Not Book Smart?

  • Not Everyone Is Book Smart, That Is Elitist
  • Buffy is the Lady Channing Tatum of being Body Smart and That Is Sufficient
  • It Is a Tremendous Problem and Girls Should Not Watch This Show Or They Will Not Take College Seriously

I Shouldn’t Have To Watch Angel In Order To Appreciate Cordelia’s Growth As A Character

Shaming: Everyone Is Shamed

  • “Beer Bad” Is Slut-Shaming
  • “Beer Bad” Is Substance-Shaming and Preachy
  • “Beer Bad” Is Just a Terrible Episode
  • Angel Losing His Soul After He Has Sex With Buffy is Slut-Shaming
  • THE EPISODE WHERE WILLOW ATTENDS THE WICCAN MEETING IS WICCAN-SHAMING WICCANS ARE REAL WE ARE NOT YOUR PUNCHLINE

KENDRA’S ACCENT THOUGH

  • Was It Irish Sometimes, Or Was That Just Me?
  • Her Accent is Perfect, and Not To Be Questioned

Activating All Potential Slayers Was An Act Of Patriarchal Violence

  • Slaying Is Empowering
  • No, Slayers Were Literally Created When A Woman Of Color Was Forcibly Invaded By A Demonic Essence
  • Oh, Right
  • But Then They Get To Beat Up Everybody
  • Dark Willow Straight-Up Flayed a Dude
AUs

Here are some aus, divided in different themes.

College themed

  1. I’m really passionate about this cause and I will give you this flier if I have to shove it down your throat
  2. My roommate’s boyfriend is staying over so can I please sleep on your floor
  3. We’re studying in the library and there are two people very obviously fucking in the stacks and we keep sharing embarrassed glances
  4. You peed on my car. You were drunk. I was in the car. There will be hell to pay
  5. My friend dragged me to this party and I just saw my ex quick make out with me
  6. It’s 3am, in the dead of winter, some motherfucker pulled/set off the fire alarm and I am being very vocal about how I’m gonna make that fucker pay
  7. I swear I’m wearing this Batman costume because of a dare
  8. Accidentally knocked on the wrong dorm room college au
  9. Heard a scream and thought you were getting killed but it was just a spider
  10. Somehow, we always end up sitting next to each other during the weekly gatherings to watch [Game of Thrones, SVU, Rupaul’s Drag Race, pick a show] in our dorm’s really good TV room 
  11. I took a bunch of free condoms from health services just because i could and they all fell out of my bag at once and now you’re staring at me weirdly

Awkward first meeting themed

  1. “This horrible umbrella won’t extend! Oh shit I just hit you in the stomach/crotch! I’m so sorry!”
  2. “I just tripped and fell face first into your crotch, god end my life now please.”
  3. “I drunkenly tried to fight you and knocked myself out but you were kind enough to take care of me till I woke up.”
  4. Trapped in a bank during a robbery 
  5. “I met you last night when you were drunkenly patting my dog in my backyard at 3 in the morning and when i asked you what the hell you were doing you slurred something about dogs being great and then you threw up on my feet and then fifteen minutes later you were passed out on my couch so that’s why you’re here right now also what the fuck is your name and why were you patting a dog in a stranger’s backyard in the middle of the night”
  6. “Last night was a haze for both of us and somehow we woke up hungover in a bed that isn’t either of ours and also neither of us recognize this apartment we should probably get out of here before someone calls the cops on us”
  7. “You found me hanging by my fingertips from your window and i don’t want to tell you i was trying to rob you but idk how else to explain this and i don’t want to go to jail and also you’re kind of cute we should make out when i’m not clinging onto your window ledge for my life”
  8. ‘you thought i was someone else and started making out with me at a club and you’re really hot so i just went with it and now we’re heading back to your place and idk how to break it to you’
  9. ‘we’re two thirds of the threesome we had last night and we’re walking awkwardly out of the last persons’s apartment together’
  10. ‘i’ve had a really awful day so i started kicking a car out of frustration and it turned out to be your car i’m so sorry’
  11. “I ordered pizza but the pizzeria got my order wrong so now I’m screaming at my really cute pizza delivery boy because I’m angry and very hungry”

Nobility themed

  1. “your country’s trying to take over/annex my country and you’re making it difficult to hate you because you’re so nice and attractive stop it”
  2. “we’ve been engaged to be married since we were three but this is the first time we’ve met and your portraits really don’t do you justice”
  3. “i’m a prince/ss and you’re a servant and we’re not supposed to hang out but we’re gonna fall in love anyways”

Opposites attract themed

  1. a hopeless romantic and a single-but-proud meet at a store on valentine’s day. the latter is buying valentine cards ironically, the former buying them sincerely in hopes of getting a date
  2. a scary-looking person who unintentionally makes kids cry and a daycare volunteer meet at a children-filled park
  3. rebellious teenager who’s failing all their classes is assigned a studious tutor
  4. really distinguished food critic and fast food chef
  5. a hopeless romantic and a horny beast are set up on a blind date

High school themed

  1. “We’re the only ones in detention”
  2. “I desperately need my books but my locker is blocked and you’re the only one in the hall”
  3. “Someone wrote I’m cute in the bathroom stall and your notes match the handwriting”
  4. “I twisted my ankle and you’re the only one here strong enough to carry me to the nurse’s office but we’re both really awkward”
  5. “We were both left out when everyone was picking partners and now we always choose each other when we have classes together”
  6. “I lent you my cool pencil months ago and you still use it”
  7. “I accidentally took your notebook thinking it was mine and you have really nice handwriting and cute doodles”
  8. “You started sitting by me at lunch because I’m alone at my table but we never talk to each other”
  9. “I was really hungry but had no money and you bought me lunch even though I don’t know you”
  10. “I left my phone number on the bathroom stall wall and you text me about your day and your frustrations for a month & it’s really nice and cute but I still don’t know who you are”
  11. “I fell asleep on your couch after a party but you didn’t complain and made breakfast for the both of us”
  12. sharing a textbook and leaving each other notes and answers in page corners
  13. found their phone number in a library book
  14. dancing partners
  15. younger siblings are best friends
  16. playing romantic interests in a play
  17. “yes i understand that it’s may and this classroom is stuffy but why are you taking your shirt off and why aren’t you in trouble (not that i mind)”
  18. “i can’t believe you dropped the frog we’re dissecting on tHE FLOOR WHAT THE FUCK”
  19. “i’m fightin this person and they shoved me into u im sooo sorry- oh hey you’re cute- oH MY GOD UR KICKIN ASS MARRY ME!!! PLEASE!!!!”
  20. “you asked me to prom by filling my locker with ping pong balls that say “prom?” on them but i tripped on one and smacked my head on a locker but thanks for taking me to the nurse!!! i still want to go with you!!”

Ridicously sentence themed

  1. “I’m going to need you to put on some underwear before you say anything else.“ 
  2. "Quick catch that cat it stole my wallet!”
  3. “I hope you know that my name is actually ________.”
  4. “That is the tenth demon summoning this week holy shit.”
  5. “Please put me down it’s just a sprained ankle" 
  6. “Why exactly do you need chloroform at 2AM?”
  7. “I’m like 75% this won’t explode on us.”
  8. “I understand the whole sleep talking thing but what I don’t understand is the princess dragon dream and why I’m in it.”
  9. “I’m sorry that I got way too into playing house and accidentally kissed you passionately.”

Height difference themed

  1. “I’m in a bookshop and I really need that book can you get it for me??? Wait you’ve read that book? let’s have an in depth conversation about it.”
  2. “You were trying to reach for a box of cereal and a whole shelf’s-worth of cereal boxes fell on you here let me help”
  3. “We’re both baristas and sometimes I have trouble reaching for things and I show up to work one day to find a personalized stool with hearts and my name on it i hATE YOU but also thanks”
  4. “You are very tall and I am very short so you run into me all the time and honestly this is getting ridiculous”
  5. I’m in art class and I just opened a cupboard to find a tiny person (you) squished inside and you just looked at and said “shh i’m hiding”
  6. “We’re on the bus and I’m really not trying to take up your space I’m sorry I just have rlly rlly long legs” 
  7. “You’re afraid that you’ll lose me in big crowds so you always hold my hand but now you just hold my hand when there’s only, like, five people around and I’m getting vry suspicious” 

Reincarnation themed

  1. I fell in love with you three lifetimes ago and I’ve been looking for you ever since but I’ve been starting to give up and my friend’s new crush has your eyes and oh god I’m not going to steal someone’s date just because I’m hoping you’re the person I met in a past life
  2. We keep reincarnating as people who speak different languages and it’s kind of pissing me off because I can never initially confirm if it’s you but at least I keep learning a bunch of cool new languages each lifetime

Mythical creatures themed

  1. “i’m a newly-turned werewolf without a pack and i can’t really control myself well on full moon nights yet and you keep finding me passed out naked on your lawn”
  2. “i got cursed and turned into an animal and taken to the shelter and ended up getting adopted by someone who is really hot OH NO”
  3. “i’m a history major and i keep getting into arguments with one of my classmates about things because they keep saying i’m wrong so i finally scream, ‘how would you know?!?’ and they’re like, ‘because i was THERE!’ and that’s how we all find out that there is a centuries-old vampire taking our British history class”

Funny meeting at a party themed

  1. “i was on my balcony and you started loudly quoting romeo and juliet at me”
  2. “spilled my drink down your shirt and then tried to drink it off you”
  3. “we had an impromptu rap duet in the middle of the party”
  4. “you kept asking everyone to play the cha cha slide then proceeded to pass out when the song started”
  5. “you keep shouting “THIS IS MY JAM” at every song that comes on i have a headache the size of nebraska you’re lucky you’re cute”
  6. “whenever you saw me you’d shout ‘WHOOOOOOOOO’ really loudly and then do finger guns at me before walking off to god knows where”
  7. “you thought I was your friend and pulled me up on the table to dance with you now you’re shirtless and grinding on me”
  8. “you got up to the mic and started singing and holy shit you’re really good???”
  9. “you’re really bad at beer pong but you do this really cute dance before you throw the ball so I’m letting you stay on my team”
  10. “our mutual friend dared the two of us to chug a whole pint of beer and I’m not going to let you beat me”
  11. “we both grabbed for the last bottle of the good beer and i’m not saying we’re going to fight for it but we are”

Competitive themed

  1. we’re both ‘team leaders’ at a summer camp for little people and you may be hot but goddammit my collection of twelve-year-olds are going to beat yours into the dust
  2. I used to be the best baker in the neighbourhood but then you showed up at Mrs Appleby’s 80th birthday with a stack of brownies which almost gave me an orgasm my honour is at stake and I’m going all out for the next event
  3. a mutual friend invited us to their laser tag party and we’re the last two alive on opposite teams and goddammit if I’m going down you’re going down with me
  4. you’re going to be at the halloween party and you’ve won best costume for the past three years but this year I am wearing the best costume ever if you defeat me I will eat my - wait you actually look really cute when did you turn hot what the fuck um
  5. we’re always making stupid bets like 'bet you can’t drink this whole bottle of BBQ sauce’ but then you did and now you’re sick and I feel really bad here let me look after you
  6. did you actually just blue shell me on our date you fucker

“We’re bad at dating” themed

  1. I can’t tell whether this is a date because you asked to see a movie but I’m still not sure you’re queer, and I’m toeing the line because maybe you’re just trying to make friends
  2. I decided to flip a coin about every decision in my life for a week and that’s how we ended up on a date
  3. We’re both meant to be going on blind dates with other people but we sat down at the wrong table and got our hopes up
  4. We had one really bad date and never spoke again and now our friends have set us up on a blind date
  5. We’re going on a blind date - but wait a moment, aren’t you that went down on me in a back alley behind a club year ago? … what do you mean “which one”?
  6. You’re my waiter and I’m on a really crappy date with an asshole